BECKETT #2
I had been careless. I had nearly gotten caught.
Again. There was no telling how Jordan would have taken it.
And I had no intention of outing myself by accident.
Especially not until I knew who the hell I was.
A straight dude with a taste for a single dick?
That didn’t sound quite right. But if that was the case, then I was still straight.
Right? No other guy got close to sparking my curiosity, let alone the levels of lust Caden provoked by simply existing.
But there was a flipside to this. Since the night I had kissed him behind the Thirsty Thinker, not one girl drew my attention, either. I was only straight because of the history of my dating preferences. Since the Thinker, I was resolutely a Caden-sexual, and it made my mind spin.
“Have you ever believed in soulmates?” I whispered. As soon as I said the words, I tensed. It was too close to sounding like I suggested we were soulmates. We definitely were not if our past encounters were any measure. If anything, we were the opposite of soulmates.
He must have felt the tension in my muscles. His hand traveled down my arm, caressing me gently. “Where’s this coming from?”
I sucked my teeth and thought about it. “I feel like hockey’s been my childhood sweetheart. It’s always been a marriage, but I got to screw around, you know?” I chuckled. It was hard to put these things into words. “I never dated anyone, Caden.”
He drew a deep breath of air, held it, and then exhaled against my neck. “I never dated anyone, either.”
“I mean, I’ve hooked up countless times. Hell, I even led some of them on, although I had no idea that was what I was doing at the time. I didn’t realize she was falling for me. I wouldn’t have encouraged it if I knew.” I sighed. “But it was never anything like this.”
We were quiet for a time. I enjoyed his proximity.
His strong arm reached around my body again and then pulled me closer.
It made me so comfortable that I couldn’t imagine a better place to be.
Maybe some Christmas Eve from my childhood, when Uncle Nate and my mom and grandparents were around me, trying — and, frankly, succeeding for a night — to stuff the presents in the gap left by my father.
“All I ever knew were hockey drills, conditioning, and hooking up. I’m shit at everything else. ”
Caden’s palm pressed the middle of my chest, fingers spreading over my heart. “That makes two of us.” His voice was a low rumble against my bare neck. I wanted his lips on my ears. I wanted his breath over my mouth. I wanted our bodies to connect.
I didn’t have the heart to tell him how frightened I was when I saw Jordan with my pills. I’d thought I’d gotten discovered. An unreasonable shame had filled me and traces of it lingered in my heart.
Why was I ashamed of this guy’s hand soothing every pain in my soul?
“What was it like?” I asked. “Coming out.”
Caden released a sigh. “Do you have all night?”
“You know the answer,” I said.
Several nights in a row, I had been here until dawn.
It had gotten easier with Jordan’s preoccupation with his stepbrother’s life.
And I always pretended to be leaving the house, although I was only a few doors down from my room.
We would fuck, then sleep until the early hours, and I would return to my room while Jordan was still fast asleep.
Caden mused for a short while, then sucked his teeth.
“I can’t tell you when I first knew. Looking back, even at six years old, I had this weird fascination with Samurai Jack.
The six-pack on that guy, man. I used to draw him, but some instinct told me to keep it a secret.
I don’t know if my parents ever saw those drawings.
I thought I was good at hiding them back then, but what did I know?
I was six. Later, when I was maybe eight or nine, I had my first real crush.
Again, I didn’t realize that was what it was.
I saw Peter Pan with that Jeremy kid. Kid…
He’s older than me.” He laughed a little.
“But I spent days dreaming about Peter coming to me at night, making me one of his Lost Boys. At that age, I only wanted to be friends with him forever. Now I realize I was so freaking in love with him. I couldn’t eat.
I couldn’t sleep. He was on my mind non-stop.
Half the time, I just wanted to cry because he wasn’t real and I was stuck in the real world. ”
I frowned. There was nothing even similar in my experience. My fascination grew sky-high. “When did you realize, though?” I asked.
“Oh, um, on my twelfth birthday. I’d invited some kids from school to my place because Mom and Dad wanted to throw me a party.
I’m a summer child; swimming pool, barbecue, you know the drill.
Most kids were my school friends, but I invited a boy with whom I only had one class.
I used to sit behind him and watch him play with a lock of hair on the back of his head all the time.
He had this thing; he would twist that lock around his index finger and would just twist and twist. Sometimes, when he had a fresh haircut, it was too short, but he kept trying even if there wasn’t enough length for him to turn it around his finger.
All of his hair was straight, but he made that lock curly, so it stayed curly even when he didn’t play with it.
I swear, I could have watched him do that all day.
He’s half the reason I suck at math. I couldn’t pay attention to anything the teacher was saying.
” His hands rubbed the middle of my chest caringly and my heart throbbed.
“So, I figured I might as well invite him to hang out.
My birthday was a great excuse for that.
Mind you, I had no idea I was crushing on him.
Like before, I just wanted to be friends and that wish kept me up at night.