BECKETT #3
“And so, it’s my birthday and all the other kids are there, and they’re having the best time ever.
They’re jumping in the pool, devouring the infinite supply of hotdogs that Dad was grilling, running up to my mom for more fizzy drinks and cookies.
And all that time, I sat next to a mountain of gifts I’d gotten but hadn’t unwrapped yet.
I was waiting for him, but he wasn’t there.
And I felt like the stupidest boy in the world that I could even hope that he would take the time to come to my party.
But,two hours into my party, the doorbell rang and I knew — I knew — I shouldn’t show all my excitement.
I didn’t know why, but I knew I needed to stay cool.
Even so, I nearly crashed into my mom carrying a punch bowl, but I didn’t slow down.
I ran to the door, pulled it open, and there he was.
Alexander. Not Alex. Never Alex. He had the biggest smile, his front teeth larger than the rest and I thought it was the coolest thing ever.
I wanted bigger teeth because of him. I’ll never forget, he wore denim shorts and a bright checkered shirt and he carried the biggest box wrapped in gift paper I had ever seen.
He marched right in, handed me the box, politely greeted my mom, who had just reached us, and waited for her to take the box from me before he could hug me.
My heart leaped so hard I thought I would die.
Beckett, that was the most fun I had ever had up until that point.
Alexander was impatient to get into the pool, so I took him straight there, feeling like one of the cool kids because I had a pool in my backyard.
And when he changed into his swim trunks, I knew without a doubt that I was in love with him.
I think I ignored all the other kids that day.
And if someone wanted to hang out with Alexander, I would be fuming with jealousy and I would find a way to distract him.
For hours, I showed him every trick in the pool I could think of, then made up some of my own.
Then, when I ran out of ideas, I showed him my room and revealed my hockey obsession, even though I was only going to hockey practice once a week at that time and just getting the hang of it. ”
Caden fell silent for a while. I hadn’t heard so many words from him in the entirety of our relationship.
When you put them all together, they probably fell short of his story tonight.
I was sucked in and on the edge of my seat.
“What happened then?” I asked and found his hand on my chest, then covered it with mine.
Caden was quiet for a little while. Then, as if it were nothing, he said, “I cried myself to sleep that night.” After a beat of silence, he explained.
“Not because I realized I was in love with a boy, but because my birthday ended. I wouldn’t have another for a whole year.
And I didn’t dare hope Alexander would have the time for me before then.
” He laughed at that. “I was wrong. We were friends after that. Practically inseparable for some time. But it was the most painful friendship I ever had. I was pining and he had no idea. He couldn’t know.
He wasn’t like me. So the pining slowly turned into resentment and resentment became self-hatred that I would even be so stupid as to fall in love with him. I had to cut him off.”
“Tss. I’m sorry.” I didn’t know what else to say.
Caden laughed at that. “Please. First crush. When does that ever end any other way?”
We were quiet for a time, then I remembered why I had even asked him any questions in the first place. “But when did you come out?”
“Oh.” Caden took a breath. “I have this aunt, my mom’s sister, living in California.
She visited once a year, sometimes less.
She’s a big-deal inheritance lawyer in Santa Barbara.
With my parents, she was always the most adult person, but when she took me out for a treat — a provincial kid like me with an aunt who wanted to buy him stuff, how could I resist?
— she always became that cool aunt other kids had.
So one day, she took me to the mall and noticed me glancing at a group of other kids my age.
I was maybe sixteen, so it wasn’t a stretch when she asked if I liked the girl.
‘She’s cute,’ she told me. And when I blushed, she just smiled.
‘Or maybe it’s that boy,’ she had said to me pretty softly and she wrapped her arm around my shoulders.
She went on to tell me, ‘And that’s absolutely fine.
And your parents will tell you the same thing if that worries you.
’ She let me deny it lamely for a heartbeat or two, then took my stumbling and abrupt silence for a confirmation.
She winked at me and then said, ‘Your cousin Hudson’s been dropping hints.
Don’t tell him I know. I’m waiting for him to decide he’s ready to say it.
And I know that your parents will be patient, too, so you take your time.
’ Mind you, I hadn’t seen my Cousin Hudson since I was nine and I still haven’t.
I know he came out soon after because my aunt told me so one day when we were texting.
And that made all the difference. I had a friend.
I had an ally. And she was right about my parents. ”
“Man, that sounds really cool,” I told him. “Why did you…hide that when you came here?”
Caden snorted. “A house full of hockey players? Straight guys are notoriously uncomfortable with gay roommates. I didn’t want to cause that.”
I felt a wave of guilt wash over me. “Sorry about that.”
“I’d say we’re even,” Caden teased, thrusting his hips to press his crotch harder against my ass.
“Then I realized my roommate was openly gay and our keeper was bisexual, and we have two clueless guys groping jokingly all the time, even if they are straight. And frankly, I was shy until not that long ago. But it’s not as terrible as I imagined. ”
“No. No, it’s not,” I admitted. It was more a reminder to myself than anything else. Maybe, maybe…
But anxiety zinged in me before I could even follow that thought. Fear gripped my heart. My muscles tensed.
“Hush,” Caden whispered over my neck. He held me for no other reason than to be there. He held me with no intention or attempt to rip my clothes off. I even wished he would so I wouldn’t have to face my thoughts and fears. But he held me all the same and we slowly drifted to sleep.
My biological clock — or, more likely, my anxiety — woke me up at dawn.
We had slept through the night and I needed to get back to my room.
I got up quietly, listening to Caden’s murmurs of protest, then snores of falling deeper back into sleep.
I pulled a cover over his bare torso, then kissed his cheek.
I didn’t know why I did that. It just felt like a thing I really wanted to do just then.
And when I kissed him, it didn’t disappoint.
My heart tittered. I was happy when I put on my shoes and jacket and went back to my room.
Jordan was fast asleep, as I’d expected, and I undressed quietly to sleep in my own bed.
But as I did, my head was full of Caden.