Chapter 19
Chapter Nineteen
What have I done? I close my eyes and see George’s battered face, his lifeless body on the ground.
All because I wanted to prove a point to Ares.
I’m an idiot. What was I even thinking? The worst bit?
As I was watching Aurora’s boyfriend smash George’s head in with a rock, I wasn’t thinking about George.
I was wondering what it would feel like if I were the one on the ground having my skull beat in.
George is dead because of me. It should have been me. Not him. I’m the one who doesn’t deserve to be here. Was George a dick? Yes. And he hit my friend, which he deserved to get beaten up for. But dead? I don’t think anyone deserves that.
I’m sitting in Ares’s car. He hasn’t said a word to me since he started driving. It’s so silent, other than my own intrusive thoughts. Why am I like this? Why am I sabotaging whatever is building between Ares and me?
Because in the end, I’m only going to hurt him. That’s why. And the thought of hurting him doesn’t sit well with me. I don’t want to do something that will get him injured or worse. I don’t want to be the reason he’s hurt.
The tear slips down my cheek before I can stop it. I swat it away with my hand but I’m not quick enough. Ares sees it.
The car swerves to the side of the road. He puts it in park and turns to me, gripping my chin between his fingers. His eyes search mine for a minute, neither of us saying a word, and so much being spoken at the same time.
“You’re going to be okay,” he finally breathes out.
I don’t believe him. I know I’m a lost cause. I know it’s a matter of time before the darkness inside me wins. I only have so much strength to fight it, and I’m tired of fighting.
“I don’t think I am,” I whisper. I’ve never admitted to anyone other than Ares that I’m not okay. It’s really not fair to burden him with my issues.
“I’m going to make sure you are.”
“I’m not your problem to fix, Ares. You don’t need to worry about me.”
Ares drops his fingers from my jaw. “I don’t need to worry about you, P. But I do anyway, and I’m not just going to stop because you tell me to.” He starts the car again and pulls out into traffic.
“I don’t want to go home,” I tell him.
“Where do you want to go?”
“I don’t know.”
He looks over at me and nods his head. I know it’s really selfish of me to ask him to spend more time with me. I’m not ready to let go yet. I need him for a little bit longer.
“It’s my fault,” I say quietly.
“What is?”
“George. He’s dead because of me.”
“George? The fucking asshole you brought to that party?” Ares hisses out.
“Yes.”
“He’s not dead because of you, Zara. He’s dead because he hit Aurora. If her boyfriend didn’t kill him, Aurora would have.”
I turn in my seat. “Do you like her?”
“Who?”
“Aurora?”
“She’s our friend.” Ares shrugs.
“No. Do you like, like her?” I sound pathetic, but how much lower can I look to him? He’s already seen me at my worst and he’s still here.
Ares laughs and shakes his head. “No.”
“I thought you did,” I admit. “It’s why I invited her. I thought maybe if she were there, you’d focus on her and not me.”
Ares looks at me again. “There is no one you could have brought to that party to take my focus off you.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know why. But you’re under my skin. You’re stuck with me, Zara,” he says.
“You can be friends with anyone, Ares. You don’t need to be my friend,” I tell him.
“I don’t usually let my friends kiss and dry-hump me in libraries, Zara.”
My cheeks flame at the memory. It was a really good kiss. I haven’t touched him since. “It was a momentary lapse of judgement. It shouldn’t have happened,” I say, not believing a single word.
“Sure.” Ares smirks. “I don’t mind, you know. If you want to use me like that, I’ll be a willing participant.”
“Good to know. Where are we?” I glance around the garage we just drove into.
“We have an apartment here. No one uses it. Come on, we can watch a movie or something until you want to go home.”
This is wrong. So, so wrong. And still, I open the door and climb out of his car. I let Ares take hold of my hand and lead me over to the lift.
I follow him into an apartment and then down a hall into a bedroom. He turns on the lights and dims them before picking up a controller and flicking on the television. “Pick something. I’m going to get you a drink.”
I take the remote and sit on the edge of the bed. I have no idea what I’m supposed to do here. Where am I supposed to sit? I’m in an empty apartment with Ares De Bellis.
I’m suddenly nervous and even more self-conscious than I usually am. I look down at what I’m wearing, a pink-and-white striped skirt that ends mid-thigh and a white blouse. I kick off my ballet flats and then stop.
What am I doing? I can’t get comfortable here.
Ares returns with two glasses. “Water or orange juice?” he asks.
“Cinque would be better.” I smile.
He blinks at me. “I’m not giving you alcohol, Zara.”
“Why?”
“Because you don’t need it.”
“How would you know what I do or don’t need? I’m capable of making choices for myself, Ares.”
“Yeah? Like driving head-first into a fucking tree? Those kinds of choices, Zara?” he yells at me.
I blink, fighting the tears. I will not cry right now. “Yes, those choices.”
“No.” He shakes his head.
“What do you mean no?”
“Exactly that—no. That’s not your choice to make.
Your life isn’t just yours anymore, Zara McKinley.
It’s also mine, and I’m not letting you or anyone else fucking take it away.
So, no, you don’t get to drink. You don’t get to use drugs either.
Get used to it, because we’re going to deal with whatever this is together from now on. You are not alone.”
I’m speechless. What do I even say to that? When did my life become his? Why is he so concerned about what I do? I don’t get it.
Ares pulls the covers back on the bed and climbs on top. “Come on, let’s find a movie to watch,” he says, patting the empty half of the bed as if we weren’t just yelling at each other. As if he didn’t just call me out for having issues.
My body doesn’t get the memo that we’re not happy with Ares, because I find myself sitting next to him, my back resting against the headboard. “I don’t understand what you want from me, Ares.”
“I want you to fight, Zara.”
“I’m trying to…”
“Good.” He wraps his arm around me and pulls my body down towards his until my head is resting on his shoulder and his arm is wrapped around my back, holding me tight. “I want you to stop trying to push me away, though.”
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Then don’t. I also want you to never parade another guy around in front of me, because I will kill him,” he says.
“What’s going to happen? To George? What do I tell his sister?”
“Nothing, P. It’s not your problem. You say nothing. You saw nothing. You know nothing.”
“Okay.”
Ares takes the controller from my hands and puts on a movie. “Whenever you want to go home, let me know. I will take you.”
“What if I want to just stay here? Like this?”
“Then we’ll stay here, just like this. You and me, P. I’m not going anywhere.”
“Why do you call me that? P? I’m not a princess, Ares.”
“You think P stands for princess?” He chuckles.
“Doesn’t it?”
“No. It’s for papillon.”
“What does that mean?”
“It’s French, for butterfly. My mom had Cara and I learn some French when we were younger before we went on holiday. And when I heard that one, I saw you the next day and it just fit.”
“You think I’m like a butterfly?”
“Butterflies are beautiful. So are you. And the world is literally at your feet, P. You just have to spread those wings and fly.”
“I don’t know how to fly.”
“Don’t worry. I’ll help you learn.” I feel his lips press onto the top of my head, and I think I melt a little bit.
“When I’m with you, the darkness fades away,” I whisper.
“I shouldn’t be anyone’s light. I’m not a good person,” Ares tells me.
“You are to me.” I wrap my arm around his torso, hugging him and wishing I really could just stay in this moment forever.