Chapter 20
Chapter Twenty
Zara fell asleep about two hours ago. I haven’t moved. I don’t want to wake her. Honestly, I like having her draped over me, being able to hold her close without her pushing away or trying to cut the connection that’s always tethered us to each other.
I’ve been guilty of denying it too, but I’m done fighting this thing.
I’ve decided I’m going all in. We’re going to do this life together, and she is going to have to get onboard with the idea of us being an us.
I will fight for it for the rest of my life if I have to.
I will fight for her even when she doesn’t want to fight anymore.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared of what’s in her head. I need to figure out a way to get her to agree to talk to one of the doctors my dad found. I know she’s going to argue about it. She thinks she’s beyond repair. I wish she could see herself through my eyes, even for just a minute.
The tips of my fingers aimlessly twirl through the ends of her hair. It’s always so soft and smells like something fruity. There’s a pink bow holding the top half up. I wonder how many of these bows she owns.
Picking up my phone, I scroll through my missed messages. I should wake her up and take her home. There’s a message from Spencer. I open that one first.
Spencer:
You good? I missed all the action.
Me:
Good. Everything okay?
Spencer:
Usual shit. Mum was on a binger.
Me:
If you need anything, I’ve got you.
I’ve offered to get his mother into rehab, lock her up, and not let her leave until she was clean. He refuses to take any help from anyone. Stubborn asshole. I open the group chat with all three of my friends next.
Dan:
Epic party. Who was that hot friend of yours, Ares?
James:
I second that question…
Spencer:
Does Cynthia know you were checking out another chick?
James:
Fuck Cynthia. I’m done with her.
Dan:
Until tomorrow.
Spencer:
Or tonight.
James:
Fuck you all.
Me:
That hot chick has a boyfriend who would slice your eyes out just for looking at her.
Spencer:
Worth it.
Dan:
Tomorrow, Ares’s house.
Me:
Not before 3pm.
I close out of the chat, and then open the text from my dad.
Dad:
I’m assuming you have Zara at the apartment on Bourke.
Me:
Yes.
He reads my message and the little bubbles pop up showing he’s writing a reply.
Dad:
She okay?
The answer to that is no. She’s really not okay, and I’m in over my fucking head.
Me:
She’s asleep. I don’t want to wake her.
Dad:
Bring her here in the morning. I’ve told her mother she’s sleeping over with Cara. Don’t do anything you can’t undo, Ares.
Me:
Thanks, Dad.
Putting my phone down, I relax a little more and close my eyes. My mind is on overdrive trying to figure out ways to help Zara, ways to make sure she’s going to be okay.
I wake up cold and alone. I look around the room and don’t see any sign of Zara. Where the hell is she?
Getting up, I open the bathroom door. She’s not in there. I head out to the living room and that’s where I find her.
My heart fucking breaks at the sight. She’s sitting on the sofa, the blanket from the bed wrapped around her. Her knees are drawn up to her chest and she’s rocking back and forth as tears silently fall down her face. She’s staring off into the distance and doesn’t notice me.
Sitting next to her, I reach out, pick her up, and set her on my lap. Then I wrap my arms around her as tight as I can. “What happened?” I ask her.
Zara lifts her head, her watery blue eyes meeting mine. “I’m sorry,” she says.
“I don’t need you to be sorry, Zara. What happened?”
“Nothing happened.”
“Are you sure?”
“I just… woke up and you were there and then I remembered that I… I can’t stop crying. It starts and then I just can’t seem to stop.” She shakes her head.
“You remembered what?” I urge her to continue.
“That I’m not enough for you. I want to be, but I’m just not and I don’t think I ever will be. You’re being so…perfect, Ares, and you deserve to be with someone who’s not broken. Not that I think that’s what we are. I mean, we’re not together or anything.”
“Zara, stop.” My voice comes out harsher than I intended, and she flinches.
“First, we are as together as together gets. You and me are an us. Second, you are enough. You are beautiful, kind, smart, funny sometimes, and you are strong.” Bringing my hand up to her face, I wipe her wet cheeks with my thumb.
“When I look at you, P, I don’t see anything broken. ”
Zara buries her head into the crook of my neck. Her fingers cling to the fabric of my shirt as she cries.
“You can cry as much as you need to. I’ve got you,” I tell her, swallowing the lump in my throat. I hate seeing her like this. I want to be able to help her, and I can’t.
It takes almost an hour before she stops, lifts her head, and stares at me. “I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t tell me you’re sorry. I’m glad you can cry with me.”
“More like cry on you.”
“I want to be that person for you, Zara. Whenever you need anyone to cry on, I’ll be there,” I tell her.
“Why?”
“Because you’re my person.”
“I should go home,” she says. “My parents are probably losing their minds.”
“Your mum thinks you slept over with Cara,” I explain.
Zara’s eyebrows draw down. “Why?”
“My dad told her you were.”
“Why would he do that?”
“He saw me leave with you, knew I came here, and asked if you were with me. I told him you fell asleep and I wasn’t going to wake you up.”
“Your dad just lies for you so that you can have sleepovers with girls?” Zara smirks.
“You’re the first girl I’ve ever had a sleepover with.” I smirk back at her.
“Mhmm.” The look on Zara’s face tells me she doesn’t believe me. When she tries to move off my lap, I hold her tighter. I don’t say anything. “What are you thinking about?” she asks.
“I want you to kiss me.”
“What?”
“I want you to kiss me. I want you to want to kiss me,” I tell her.
“You’ve never kissed me,” she points out.
“Because I’m waiting for you to admit you want this. That you want me.”
Zara frowns. “Wanting you isn’t the problem, Ares. I want this more than anything. But I’m only going to end up hurting you.”
“I’ll take my chances,” I assure her. “Kiss me, P.”
Zara presses her lips against mine, so softly. My hands cup each side of her face, and I take everything from her. My tongue pushes through her closed lips. Seeking, learning. I make a mental note of what she tastes like, what she feels like.
She shifts until the blanket is gone from around her shoulders, and she’s straddling me. Fuck, I really didn’t think this through. I want her, more than I’ve wanted anyone, but I’m not going to be that guy. The one that takes advantage of a sad girl just to get his dick wet.
My hands move to her hips, stopping her when she grinds down on me. My dick is hard. I groan as I deepen the kiss, my fingers digging into the flesh of her ass as I pull her against me as hard as I can. Zara lets out a little moan. I sigh. I want to hear more of that. I want to make her feel good.
“We should stop,” I tell her.
“I don’t want to stop,” she says.
I stand, pick her up, and start walking back to the bedroom. Pausing at the end of the bed, I lay her down, then cover her body with mine. “I’m not fucking you today, Zara,” I tell her.
“Okay… I don’t… I mean… you don’t have to if you don’t want to.”
“Oh, I want to. So fucking much,” I grunt. “I am going to make you feel good though. Do you want that? Do you want me to make you feel good?” I sit up on my knees and drag my fingers up her bare legs.
Zara nods her head. “I want you to do whatever you want to me, Ares.”
“That’s a dangerous thing to say, because I want to do a lot of depraved things with this body of yours.” The thoughts I’ve had about her…
Fuck, I can feel my dick leaking at the images of her naked and spread out just for me.
“Like what?” she asks.
“Right now, I want to taste you.”
“You want to…?” Zara’s eyes widen. “Oh. Um…”
“You can say no. The choice is yours. I’m still going to be right here. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, Zara. I’m not leaving.” I need her to know that she doesn’t owe me this. She doesn’t need to do anything for me.
“I want to,” she says. “Please make me forget the world exists outside of you and me.”
My lips tip up. “Challenge accepted.”