Chapter 19
“I had fun,” Dabney said as she practically skipped along beside Mertie.
“I’m glad Mertie thought to ask you if you wanted to come. I’m not sure I would have,” Garnet said, meeting Mertie’s eyes over the top of Dabney’s head.
Dabney was just a couple of inches shorter than Mertie and almost certainly would be taller than her once she was done growing.
Mertie smiled, thinking that inviting Dabney to come help watch the children had been a stroke of brilliance on her part, although it had just been a last-minute thought as they were walking out the door.
But Dabney had obviously loved working with the children, and after seeing them in church, she was familiar with their names and had been a big help.
Mrs. Higginbotham had come several hours later than what they were expecting, but it hadn’t mattered at all. They’d all been enjoying themselves, and Mertie thought that it had bonded them together in a way that recreation couldn’t. When people were doing a job, a job that had meaning and that they believed in, when they were pulling together for the same goal, keeping kids alive, that had been Mertie’s goal anyway, it did seem to bond them. And that’s what she needed with Dabney, something that bonded her to the girl.
“I hope it was okay that when I texted Vera and told her that Mrs. Higginbotham was there and was taking over, Dominic asked me if we would be interested in watching the children any other time this week. I... I might have said yes.”
Mertie laughed.
“Yay! You mean we’re going back?” Dabney said as she took a couple of skipping steps, acting like she was truly happy. Some people really were good with children, had a natural affinity for them, and really loved them. Dabney seemed like that type of person, and Mertie figured she got it from her dad. Although... Mertie hadn’t hated this evening. She’d done better than she expected. She always thought that she was the kind of person who related better to adults, but watching the kids had been fun.
Maybe it was because she was doing it with Garnet and Dabney.
“I told him I thought we could, but I needed to talk to the two of you first.”
“I’ll do it!” Dabney said, then she looked at Mertie. Mertie couldn’t have said no if her life depended on it.
“I’d love to.” She found those words were absolutely true. Even though she wouldn’t be spending one-on-one time with Garnet, and taking care of four kids was not exactly a walk in the park, it was a ministry. Not the kind of ministry that she was used to, but the kind of servant ministry that Jesus called Christians to.
There were no accolades, and no one saw her. It wasn’t a bit like her speaking ministry where she had the rapt attention of hundreds of adults in the room, or her book ministry where hundreds of thousands if not millions of people were reached. This was small, unknown, unloved, and mostly unappreciated, but it was perfect. God knew what she needed was not more accolades, but a purpose, a ministry that she could do with her daughter, and...Garnet. Whatever he was to her. Her friend?
“I’ll go ahead and text Dominic. Are there any times that don’t suit you? Just in case he asks.”
“I should be able to do it anytime. I’m off, all I have to do is help get the house ready, but we’re doing what we can until Olive comes, so there’s no pressure there.”
Maybe the Lord had ordained that too. Funny how things were working out. Of course, she should know by now that God always worked things out. She’d seen it time and time again.
“Do you work with kids in your regular job?” Dabney asked as they walked along, Garnet working on tapping the message on his phone.
“I actually don’t. I hardly ever work with children. This was a new and eye-opening experience.” She decided she could be honest. “I wasn’t sure I was going to like them.”
“It seemed like you had a good time. While we were playing hide-and-seek, you were laughing as much as anyone.”
“I think your dad and you have the edge on that, because I’m pretty sure you guys have played hide-and-seek before together.”
“It was my favorite game growing up. And Dad always played with me. I didn’t realize it when I was little, but the older I get, the more I realize he’s pretty awesome.”
It seemed like a wise statement for a 14-year-old, but Garnet had said she was mature for her age.
“I can see why it was your favorite game. I’ve actually never played it before, but I enjoyed it.”
“You never played it when you were a kid?” She sounded aghast.
“No. Not even when I was a kid. We didn’t really play games at my house. Particularly after my parents started a business together. They were busy.”
“Dad works hard, but he always has time for me. When I talked to my friends about it, they admitted they have dads who don’t really spend much time with them at all. I felt bad for them, but it made me realize how good Dad is.”
“He kind of has to be mom and dad for you, doesn’t he?” Mertie said, and she hoped she wasn’t skating too close to what she really wanted to talk about, which was Dabney and how she felt about having a mom.
“He tries. I don’t want to say it too often, especially as I’ve gotten older, how much I wish I had a mom, because I know Dad has done the best he can.” She looked over her shoulder at Garnet, who was following a couple of steps behind, since his phone had rung and he had answered it, and it sounded like he was talking to Dominic. It sounded like the twins had been born and they were healthy. But Mertie was mostly focusing on the girl in front of her. Her daughter.
“That’s very thoughtful of you. I don’t think that most children your age are quite that thoughtful.”
“Well, for a long time it was just Daddy and me. I heard my homeschool teachers sometimes say that when kids spend a lot of time with adults, they have a tendency to mature more quickly, because that’s their role model. When they spend a lot of time with other kids in the classroom, they all kind of hold each other back, because they imitate their peers rather than the adults because that’s who they spend their time with.”
Her daughter sounded so intelligent. But she was probably absolutely right, although Mertie had never really thought about it.
“I’m glad your dad homeschooled you.”
“I’m glad he did too. I don’t think he really did it because he wanted to, but I think he did it because he was afraid of the things I might learn if he sent me to school.”
“There are a lot of schools and teachers who are really good,” Mertie started. “But the chance that you might get someone who’s not gets bigger and bigger every year.”
“I think Dad said something to that effect, but I just know I would rather be with Dad than be in a whole classroom full of kids who aren’t interested in learning, with a teacher who wants to teach me things that aren’t true.”
“The twins were born, and they’re healthy.” Garnet took a couple running steps to catch back up with them. “Dominic sounds like a proud father, although I think he’s a little overwhelmed. They have six children now, and he couldn’t quite get over that.”
“They’ll be a little crazy,” Mertie said, heartfelt. She couldn’t imagine having six kids. Couldn’t begin to imagine. She felt a little overwhelmed sometimes when she remembered that she had a daughter who was fourteen. What if she had six kids she had to get to know?
She shivered at the thought.
“That would be awesome. To be in a family of six kids. I wish that were our family.” Dabney spoke softly, almost as though she knew her words might upset her dad, but she couldn’t keep from saying them.
“You want siblings?” Mertie asked, hearing the longing in her voice.
“Oh, I do. So much. Dad is awesome.” She beamed up a smile at Garnet, who returned it, but it wasn’t hard to see the consternation on his face that he hadn’t been able to give his daughter the things she most wanted. “But I wouldn’t want to have a whole bunch of siblings who didn’t have a mom. It stinks.”
One more thing Garnet couldn’t give her, but Mertie could.
Of course, Garnet could get married, but he wouldn’t want just anyone to be Dabney’s mother. He would be particular. Careful. And if Dabney wasn’t interested, Garnet would walk away.
Mertie was sure of that with her whole heart.
“You know, sometimes God has a way of giving us the things that we most want.” Mertie heard the words coming out of her mouth, but she wasn’t quite sure why she was saying them. It wasn’t like she was going to do anything to change the situation. At least not with siblings. Except... She wasn’t too old to have children.
They made it down to the main street of Raspberry Ridge and turned right up the street, heading toward Garnet’s parents’ house.
No one said anything much, and when they got to the house, Dabney hurried in, calling out to her gram and starting into a story about what they had done.
Garnet had stopped on the porch, and Mertie stopped with him.
“Can I walk you home?” he asked softly.
She hadn’t even thought about that. She should have walked to her own house instead of walking to his, but the conversation with Dabney had been so interesting, the evening so perfect, she hadn’t even thought about going home.
“Your parents and your daughter might need you.” She didn’t want to take him away from his responsibilities.
“I’ll let them know where I’m going. It won’t take long.”
He was right about that, so she waited on the porch while he called in that he was going to walk her home, and then the door closed softly behind him as his hand slipped into hers, and they walked off the porch together.
She wanted to make a comment that he was holding her hand now but hadn’t done it in front of Dabney, but she didn’t know what it meant and didn’t know whether it was something that he would be sensitive about. She didn’t want to tease him about anything that might make him self-conscious or feel bad. That wasn’t her goal in life.
“I had such a good time tonight, and I think you can see that Dabney did too.”
“Yeah. And I think you saw that I did as well.”
“I thought you were, but I wasn’t sure if that was your happy face or if that was you truly having a good time.”
“That was me truly having a good time.”
“I’m happy to hear it.”
“Are we still on for tomorrow?” she asked, knowing that she needed to get to bed, because they had to be at Norma Jean’s house at nine o’clock the next morning. It was going to be a short night. And she needed to talk to her sister, to let her know what was going on. She hadn’t talked to her since Amara had left church without her.
“Is that going to be too much for you? I can do it if you don’t want to.”
“It’s kind of my thing. I’m happy to help, if I can.”
“I don’t know if her husband will be there, but I thought you might be able to handle Norma Jean, Dabney might be able to watch her daughter, Holly, and I could talk to her husband, Miles. We’d be killing three birds with...three stones, I guess.”
“One visit. That can be one stone.”
“There you go. The three of us can just do a multidirectional attack.”
“We’re in a battle, I suppose.”
“We sure are.” His voice trailed off, as though that was something that weighed on his mind. As a pastor, called to preach God’s word, she would assume that that probably was something that he thought about quite often.
They walked a few more steps in the dark, their hands linked between them, and she was tempted to ask him what exactly that meant, but she was afraid she didn’t want to know, or maybe wasn’t ready for, the answer.
“Have you thought about whether or not you want Dabney to know that you’re her mother? And how it might look when you tell her?”
His words came out on the air and landed heavy and hard on her ears. Even though he said them gently. She just...knew she needed to, but... “I haven’t thought about it at all.”
“Okay.” There was disappointment in his tone.
“Telling her. I haven’t thought about telling her. All I can think about is being her mom and what a great dad you are. You were on the phone, but she was telling me how awesome you were, how she knew from the other kids she talked to that having a dad like you was unusual.”
“Really?” he asked, surprise and hope in his tone.
“Yeah. It’s kind of a mature sentiment from a fourteen-year-old. They’re supposed to be rebelling against their parents, not talking about how wonderful they are, but she is mature for her age.”
“It’s because we—”
“Homeschool.” She laughed. “Dabney told me all about how superior homeschooling is to other forms of schooling.”
“Sorry.”
“It’s okay. I wasn’t offended, I just know there are good teachers, but also homeschool is probably best. I don’t know that I could have done it though. I admire you.”
“I couldn’t have done it, except God helped. That’s pretty much the story of my life. God did it, and I just kind of held on and did my best.”
That was the best kind of life. It truly was. A life that was completely surrendered to the Lord, where He guided it, and she would just work as hard as she could at whatever He put in front of her. Whether that was speaking engagements in front of hundreds of people or babysitting for adopted children while their mother had twins at the hospital.
“Thank you for tonight.”
“I think that might be the first time in the history of the world that anyone has ever thanked anyone else for dragging them along to babysit four children.”
“I meant it. I enjoyed spending time with you and Dabney. You have a bond, and it’s special. I’m not sure I would fit in.”
“You would.”
“Are you trying to convince yourself or me?”
“We can ask Dabney.”
She had a feeling he might be right about that. She might see that she would fit in.
“You just have a way about you. Just... You belong in our family. I don’t think Dabney could miss it if she tried. I certainly haven’t.”
“I don’t want to upset anything. She obviously loves and respects you very much. And you love and respect her. Bringing a third person in could upset things.”
“You could end up having more children.”
She stopped abruptly, almost choking on her saliva as his words seemed to ring out in the night air. “You’re not talking about just visiting occasionally.”
“Did you misunderstand what I’ve been saying?”
She didn’t say anything. She had really misunderstood.
He held up their joined hands. “This isn’t something I do with my friends.”
She felt faint. Her breath came fast.
“You don’t have to make a decision right now. I’m not pressuring you for anything. But I wasn’t really thinking about visits. I was thinking about...how back when we were friends, it was never quite enough for me, but we were young, and I didn’t really think about doing more until after you left. Then when you came back with your baby, I was...jealous. But you didn’t have to ask me twice.”
“You took her right away. Never questioned anything. I felt like you didn’t mind at all. Although, at the time I really did think you were putting her up for adoption.”
“I did.”
“You know what I mean.”
“Yeah. It’s okay if you don’t feel it. I just know where I stand.”
“I didn’t say I didn’t feel anything.” She couldn’t say more. She couldn’t explain what she felt. She wasn’t even sure she knew.
They had reached the bottom of the steps that went up to her house, and she hesitated for just a moment before pulling her hand from his.
“I can make it from here. Thank you. I’ll see you in the morning.”
She didn’t wait for him to answer before she turned and started walking up the steps. She wasn’t desperate to get away from him, she was just desperate to think, to figure it out. She hated it when things felt like they weren’t in her control. She wanted her life to be well ordered, where she knew exactly what was happening, how she felt about it, what she was going to do. None of it felt like it was in her control right now.
“Good night, Mertie.”
She closed her eyes, slowing but not stopping. His words sent shivers down her spine, and she wanted to stop, turn around, run to him. Was that what she was supposed to do? Because if it was, there was no way she could say yes to Zebedee Clinger. Sure, she could work, but she didn’t want to do that when she was married. She’d heard too many Christian marriages breaking apart because one of the partners got a little too chummy with the person they were working with. She didn’t want that to be her. Plus, if she got married, she wanted to be a wife, a mother, and if Garnet got the pastorate, she would be a pastor’s wife, someone who helped out in the church, stood beside her husband, did what she could to be a helper to him.
She didn’t want to spend days away from her family, speaking and doing all the things that she would need to do, somewhere other than Raspberry Ridge. She just couldn’t reconcile the two.
She took two more slow steps before she said, “Good night, Garnet.”