Chapter 20
Miles stood beside the barn and watched the car pull into the drive.
According to Norma Jean, the new pastor and some woman were supposed to be coming to do the Bible study Miss Vera normally did.
Miles shoved a hand in his pocket and wished his disappointment was just as easy to shove down.
His wife had actually been acting more like a wife - relative - since Vera had started doing her Bible study. Miles had hope that their marriage might survive after all.
But, with Vera off having twins, he didn't hold too much hope that these two were going to continue down the same path. Vera had been teaching his wife actual Biblical precepts. Not some modern mumbo jumbo that encouraged her to live her truth or worry about her self-esteem, or want him to be a pansy.
He wouldn't have proposed a marriage of convenience with Norma Jean if he hadn't thought they could eventually make a go of it, but he hadn't expected it to be so hard. Originally he wanted a mom for his daughter, and Norma had her own ulterior motives.
Of course, if he'd known that those motives were to make another man jealous, he might have been a little less eager to shackle himself to her.
He straightened as the man, who had been chatting with Norma Jean in the doorway of their house, turned and headed toward the barn where Miles stood, while the woman walked into the house.
So...maybe it wasn't the new pastor, or almost-pastor, after all. They hadn't made it to church on Sunday and he didn't know what the man looked like.
This dude looked a little too rugged, too...not like a preacher to be a preacher.
Miles pushed off the post where he'd been leaning just inside the barn doorway. Too late to try to make it look like he'd been working.
"You must be Miles," the man said as he entered the barn with his hand out, a friendly smile on his face.
He gave Miles the feeling that he could be trusted. He wasn’t sure what it was about the man that made him feel like he was already a friend, before Miles had even said a word. He took the proffered hand and shook it.
"Yep, that's me. You're the new pastor?" He took a guess.
"Not yet. I still have another sermon to give, then the congregation will vote on me. That's this coming Sunday."
The guy didn't look nervous or anxious. It was like he didn't care whether he was voted in or not.
Didn't care...or had faith that God was going to work everything out. Miles figured it was the latter. He liked a pastor who lived what he preached. His opinion of the man, already abnormally high for a stranger, just went up a few more notches.
"I met a lot of people in church on Sunday. Forgive me for not remembering you."
"I wasn't there." He didn't elaborate. There was no reason or excuse. He...just hadn't felt that close to the Lord in recent weeks.
"My...friend, Mertie Jerdine, is inside chatting with your wife."
"It was my understanding that you were going to take Vera's place in her weekly Bible study."
"Well," the man ran a hand over his head. "That was the idea. Only, Mertie has her own ministry as a Christian speaker and author and I figured she was more equipped than I to speak to Norma Jean, so I asked her to do it while I came out here to see if you'd be interested in a little manly study."
Miles almost sighed out loud. He didn't really want to do a study with the new pastor, but his work was not pressing and a little voice told him that maybe he shouldn't be placing the entire burden of their marriage on Norma Jean. Just because he felt a little angry - make that hurt and betrayed because she'd married him to make another man jealous, even if it was supposed to be a marriage of convenience.
"Sure. My physical Bible is in the house, but I have one downloaded on my phone."
"That'll work." Garnet looked indescribably pleased.
"We could sit over there," Miles said, nodding toward a few hay bales on the sunny side of the barn. It wasn't so hot that they needed shade, and he'd rather be on the side of the barn away from the house. For some reason, he didn't want Norma Jean to look out and see him sitting with the pastor. He wasn't sure why and didn't question it.
They walked around the side of the barn, the smell of freshly made hay filling the air with its down home goodness. He'd never get tired of the scents of the farm. They reminded him of home and made him feel good the whole way to his soul.
When Norma Jean had suggested they sell the farm and move to town, he'd almost told her she could leave and good riddance. Not that he hated her, but after she admitted that she'd been trying to impress another man, married him out of spite and to induce jealousy and then she didn't even love the home of his heart like she'd pretended to...yeah. He still found her attractive, but wasn't sure he'd not made the biggest mistake of his life by marrying her.
The pastor settled himself and prayed, while Miles wondered if he was going to get dismissed before noon. He hadn't thought that the man was going to keep him for hours, but he seemed to be settling in like it was going to be a while.
"Is there any part of your marriage that you'd like to talk about? Not to pry, but I figured I'd ask first, before I started in with something that might not be as helpful or relevant to any issues you're having."
"No." Miles knew his word was short, but even though he liked the man right away, he didn't want to talk about his marriage with him.
Why not?
The little voice was soft, but insistent in his head.
Why not, indeed. If his wife was taking the time to meet with ladies who were trying to help her, he could put forth the same kind of effort, couldn't he?
He thought of Holly, his daughter who had already lost her mother. She deserved his best effort. She had warmed to Norma Jean and a divorce would rip apart her world.
"Sometimes I resent my wife."
The pastor's brows went up, but he didn't look shocked. Rather, he seemed thoughtful.
"Why?"
"She lied when she married me." He didn’t put the hurt in his heart in those words. They seemed kind of cold, even though that was the farthest thing from what he felt.
"Oh."
He thought he would have to explain what the lie was and all of that, but, to his surprise, the pastor didn't ask. Rather he said, "Have you ever lied?"
"I have," he said. "But I couldn't tell you the last time."
"I see. Do you want God to forgive you for your lies?"
"Of course." That was common sense.
"If you want God to forgive you, shouldn’t you forgive your wife?"
Miles stared at the pastor, thoughtful. He knew he needed to forgive his wife. But, "Don't you want to know what she lied about?"
"It doesn't matter."
"But it has to do with why she married me."
"You're married now. How you got that way doesn't matter.” The pastor twirled the haystem he held in his hand. “You can't hold on to the past."
"But she might do it again."
"She might. Have you ever sinned twice with the same thing?"
"Of course." There were a few sins he struggled with on a daily, sometimes, hourly, basis.
"Does God give you a hard time because you did it again? Does He refuse to forgive you because He's afraid that since you did it twice, you might do it a third time?"
Miles took a breath. It was more like since he'd done it ten thousand times, and he might do it ten thousand one.
"No." He didn’t want to speak the truth, but any other answer would be a lie.
"Forgiveness is hard, I know. But your responsibility as a husband is to love your wife, provide for her, and know her as best you can, giving yourself for her as Christ gave himself for the church. It doesn't really matter what she does."
What? It didn't matter what his wife did?
Maybe the pastor saw the look on his face. "What? Did I say something you can refute with a Bible verse?"
Oh, boy. Of course he could. But as he sat there thinking, he realized that, no, he couldn't think of a single verse that said that his wife had to ask for forgiveness and be remorseful and start to love him before he did what he had been commanded to do. Ouch.
"I know. It's hard. Believe me, I looked for an out for a long time after I first heard that. I grew up hearing that marriage is a partnership and each partner has to do the work and it's 50-50 or 100-100, but the basic idea was that what you do depends on what she does, and if she doesn't do what she's supposed to, then you don't have to stay with her, because how can you be "happy" with someone who doesn't try to be a good wife?"
The whole thing was just...absurd. Miles couldn't figure out what was so wrong about it, but he knew that something was. It couldn't be true that his marriage was all his responsibility.
"Doesn't she have to do anything?" he asked, trying not to sound desperate and angry.
"She has her own commands from the Lord, ones she has to obey, whether or not you obey yours, but it's not your job to hold her to them, regulate her, or make sure she is doing what she's supposed to. It's your job to do you. To love her, to protect and provide for her, to know her, as well as a man can know a woman, and to give yourself for her as Christ gave himself for the church. He gave himself for the church long before anyone started to follow Him or love Him. It was His example, after all, that drew us to Him."
Everything the pastor said made sense. He couldn’t argue, although he wanted to. He huffed out a breath. "You don't mess around with bottle feeding. You just throw big hunks of meat at people."
The pastor laughed at his half-hearted attempt to paraphrase the Bible. But he was serious. Pastor Garnet had just given him a huge chunk to chew on.
"Alright, I didn't want to keep you from your work. Is there something I can help you with until the ladies are done?"
And just like that, they stood up from the bales and the new almost-pastor started tossing fifty pound seed bags from the pallet where they'd been sitting to the back corner of the barn where he wanted to store them for winter.
The guy wasn't half bad, and, while he wasn't sure about what he'd said, he was going to check out his Bible and see if he could find somewhere it contradicted everything the pastor had laid out. He hoped so, but somehow he doubted it.