. . . a reveal
‘You are so lucky,’ Noah says, scrolling through Lina’s feed on my phone.
I don’t want to say I stalked her obsessively when I added her .
. . But I also don’t want to lie. Her feed is gorgeous.
She is gorgeous, and witty, and perfect.
She has solid friends, goes on hikes and bartends to make extra money alongside her degree.
And she’s doing a masters in behavioural psychology because she’s super passionate about helping people better themselves.
That part I didn’t learn from Instagram, that part I learnt from her LinkedIn once I was done with her Instagram and decided to do a deeper dive.
I’m not saying I’m obsessive, because I’m not. Not usually, anyway. But she was so chic and mysterious when we met that I just had to know more. Now here I am, getting dressed and bragging about her so hard that Noah had to take a look for himself.
‘And she has a dog at her family home. She’s called Schnitzel. Do you think I’ll get to meet her?’ I ask.
‘On your first date? Probably not,’ he says, a small twinge of something in his voice.
I pause. ‘You’re right. Okay, I’m getting carried away.’
I turn to face him – see if I’ve bored him – but he shakes it off as soon as I turn.
‘Nah, it’s cute – you’re excited!’ He drops his eyes as he lies back against his headboard and fiddles with his duvet. ‘I haven’t seen you like this before . . . you must really like her.’
‘She was just . . . different, I don’t know.’ I shrug.
Our small conversation has been running on a loop in my brain. Maybe it was the vibe, or the wine, or the terrible ‘dates’ that preceded it, but I haven’t felt that strong a vibe since . . . Well, since Noah.
‘What about you? Are you out with Joanna again?’ I ask, playing it as cool as I can.
Joanna and Noah were apparently love at first sight when they sat across from each other at speed dating.
I could hear their laughter from across the room; it was incredibly distracting and didn’t exactly help with my time.
After chatting with Lina, I went to squeal to Noah only to read a text to say he was leaving.
He and Joanna immediately embarked on a romantic date.
So romantic that he was out until the early hours of the morning.
I’m so glad we didn’t end up making that wager after all.
I glance up as he bows his head bashfully.
‘She’s busy tonight, but we’re going on a hike tomorrow,’ he says.
I bite my tongue and suck my cheeks in to keep my face neutral.
‘You don’t hike,’ I say.
We’ve never gone on a hike. He’s never once mentioned wanting to go on hikes.
‘No, you don’t hike,’ he corrects me. ‘I have time for a hike, I just never thought to bring one up around you.’
‘I would hike with you,’ I say firmly.
He looks up at me confused, brow creasing as he scans my face.
Shit. Unfortunately, I’m at a stage where I would do anything with him.
And while I don’t need him to know that much, I apparently feel compelled enough to fight for the fact he could do anything Joanna wants with me.
I swallow and glance at the floor, begging my feelings to stay hidden beneath the surface.
Eventually I’m able to contort my face into a blank, emotionless stare.
I aim it his way and he readjusts, relaxing again.
‘Save your forced hikes for your dates,’ he says cheekily. ‘What time do you have to be there?’
I check my phone. ‘Thirty minutes from now. Google says it’s like a seventeen-minute walk.’
‘I’ll walk with you.’
‘Nah, it’s still light outside, I’ll be fine,’ I say.
Plus, after Mala, I can’t risk showing up with Noah again.
Lina’s too good to lose over a case of misplaced feelings, so I need Noah as far away from this situation as possible.
I take one more look at my outfit – my now-clean pair of jeans, an orange strapless top and my trusty Converse, with one of Noah’s white shirts thrown over the top to account for the chilly breeze we keep getting.
The second I get to the beer garden I take in the sea of overflowing tables, raucous laughter and floating waiters all framed under a golden canopy of trees. Lina runs towards me, throwing her arms around me and squeezing before firmly taking my hand in hers.
We skate past table upon table before stopping in front of a large group of at least fifteen, all staring expectantly.
‘Friends, this is Amorie. Amorie, friends!’ she says proudly.
A rush of welcomes flies my way before they quickly rejig the seating.
Within a few seconds, two seats have opened up and Lina and I awkwardly shuffle around to them.
It’s a tight squeeze among all of us – I’m touching more knees than I can count – but none of them seem to care as they continue their merriment.
I sit and stare in silence, eyes darting between the main players as they tipsily shout across the table in German.
Occasionally they’ll all laugh at something, spot my silence and quickly switch to English purely to explain the joke.
But then they’ll revert back to German, getting too lost in the flow to bother to remember that I’m there.
That’s fine with me. I need a second to recuperate and come to terms with the fact that my assumed one-on-one date is actually a group hang.
Lina leans over, bringing her lips to my ear to run through each woman, their name and a condensed friend-led bio.
I do my best to commit it to memory, but it proves incredibly difficult due to the deep distraction that comes from her breath so close to my neck.
My hairs stand up and my mouth loses moisture with each second she continues to whisper to me.
It takes everything in me not to turn my head left and let our mouths meet for good, but it’s too soon and far too public.
‘Do I know you?’ A voice cuts through the chatter.
I believe her name’s Tini, from what I could make out from Lina.
I stare closer at her on the off-chance that she’s right, taking in her oversized tee and short, black curly hair.
She has a stare that could kill and it’s directed at me as she awaits my answer.
I shrug, hoping to break the rising tension.
‘I don’t think so,’ I say, a small shake in my voice.
They’re all silent now, eyes flitting between me and Tini in the anticipation of drama. I hold my breath and look to Lina. She is just as confused, but breaks the silence with a soft, tinkling laugh.
‘Have you two met?’ Lina asks.
I shake my head, but Tini squints harder.
‘I don’t think so . . .’ she says, but she does not look convinced.
A murmur builds again between the group, allowing me to exhale and retreat back to my position as a fly on the wall. I try to rack my brain for Tini’s face, just in case she was in fact right, but I see nothing. I don’t know her. I should not feel this uneasy.
‘So, how did you two meet?’ another girl, Emilia asks.
Lina’s smile springs to life and she squeezes my arm in excitement. The feeling lingers even after she loosens her grip. It beats like a pulse, almost drowning out her voice as she recounts the story.
‘At the bar! I saved her from a string of terrible speed dates,’ she says.
The group bursts into laughter, soft applause and a couple of coos, as I nod emphatically in agreement.
‘Don’t know what I would have done without her.’ I add this to more fanfare.
We risk a glance into each other’s eyes, pausing there for a moment.
The sun seeps through the leaves, dotting tendrils of light across her face that frame her almond-shaped eyes and button nose even more beautifully than before.
I debate leaning in, seizing this moment while the girls around us are distracted and finally learning what her lips taste like.
But it’s not right. She deserves the best and this wouldn’t be it.
For now, I’ll bask in this small moment with just us and our stares.
Tini cheers, slapping the table in triumph. ‘That’s where I know you! You’re that girl! The dating girl! My friend sends me your videos!’
My heart sinks into the pit of my chest, my jaw tightening as the group erupts into chatter. I don’t dare look Lina’s way. This wasn’t how she was supposed to find out. She wasn’t supposed to find out at all.
An excited line of questioning breaks through the chatter, none of which appears to be directed at me.
I try to think of something to say to shut it down, but Tini’s already fishing out her phone as a couple of girls excitedly gather around her screen.
Within a few seconds I hear my voice spitting back at them as they scroll through my videos and pass comments.
My whole body goes stiff under the weight of this new cringe, lightened only by the fact that Lina’s not watching with them.
She hasn’t moved from the seat next to me and continues to keep her eyes on my face.
‘What’s this about?’ she asks, a soft but intrigued smile spreading across her pursed lips.
‘Oh, I—’
‘She is going around Europe dating everyone in the name of “research”,’ Tini says.
‘Are you now?’ Lina asks.
While slightly teasing in tone, she does not look even remotely put off. Her eyes twinkle as she shuffles even closer and softly places her hand over my knee.
‘What number is Lina?’ one girl (Beth? Heather? Jessica? Maybe?) asks.
Tini looks up from her phone to stare me down, eyebrows raised in challenge.
‘Oh, they’re numbered?’ Lina asks.
‘And rated,’ Tini says.
‘Well, now, I really must know more.’ Lina grins.
She squeezes my arm, wrapping her body around it, and I look down at her warm and still-welcoming face. She has the prettiest smile. I could get lost in it. It makes the tension release from the tops of my shoulders.
‘Go on. What number am I?’ she says, pushing softly.
Her eyes lock into mine and again, we’re the only two at the table. As I meet them, I hasten to believe her. Nothing else matters but her and I in this moment.
‘You really want to know?’ I ask gently.
She nods at me, smiling. I feel my heart flutter faster each moment she stares.
‘Come on, tell us!’ Tini interjects with full bravado.
Just like that, the glass shatters and the pit in my stomach reopens. I look across at the bunched-up field of questioning eyes, Tini sitting smugly in charge at the centre. There is no ignoring it.
‘This is my twentieth date,’ I say as plainly as I can.
It’s clearly not plain enough; the group giggles and hollers.
‘Wow, Lina, number twenty! How lucky are you?’ Tini exclaims, clasping her hands together.
Despite the obvious sarcasm, Lina seems unaffected. She swivels her head to face me.
‘And where do I rank in this twenty?’
Her lip curls teasingly, eyes glittering with the challenge of her question. It makes my face flood with heat.
‘Number one, for sure,’ I say.
She breaks into a grin before she can help it. ‘Good, let’s keep it that way.’
The rest of the night with them seems easier with Lina by my side, no matter what snide digs her friends throw my way. They ask a few more horrendous questions and read some of my sentences aloud, but they eventually grow tired and my dates become old news.
The night grows darker and colder as the hours pass by, but we talk and drink through them nonetheless.
By 10 p.m., we’re lit only by the streetlights and Lina’s cuddled so tightly under my arm that I find myself holding my breath to stop from moving.
People drop off in dribs and drabs over time and, after a while, her final remaining friends bid us farewell.
Then it’s just me and Lina, sat alone, cuddling in the cold night air.
‘This is nice,’ she whispers into my chest.
I can’t recall the moment that we progressed from a light arm around her shoulder to a full-blown cuddle, but I thank it profusely. She looks so precious, feet at the edge of the seat and knees tucked neatly under her chin.
I nod. ‘Yes, it is.’
She looks up at me, her hair rustling against my chin as she moves.
‘I’ve had fun. Have you had fun?’ she asks softly.
‘It’s been amazing,’ I say.
Her smile grows wider as her eyes flit from my face, then to the moon, then to her watch.
‘We should go,’ she sighs groggily.
The leather of her jacket brushes against my shirt as she attempts to pull away. Absolutely not. I bring my arm closer, trapping her in it, to which she instantly surrenders, giggling softly.
‘Why ruin this?’ I say in a whisper.
‘Who said anything about ruining it?’ She springs from my arms this time, effervescent as she stares back at me. ‘Walk me home?’
There’s a new twinkle in her eye. Less endearing and more dangerous. I grab my bag and we go.