. . . a rude awakening
We still good for tomorrow?
Earth to Amorie?!
Just searching for signs of life . . .
I pick my phone up after the fourth incessant buzz before it wakes the sleeping woman next to me, and shudder at the light that emanates from it, even at the lowest brightness setting. I quickly reply to Noah.
You can have 3
And ofc we’re good for tomorrow!
Will be back later today – gotta pack x
He replies within seconds.
That’s what you said yesterday . . . and the day before that . . . and the day before that . . .
I roll my eyes.
This time it’s different, we have to check out!
I gasp hastily as the phone erupts to life in my hand, Noah’s self-imposed display picture filling the screen.
Thank God I never take my phone off silent; he could have woken Lina.
The vibrate alone is already loud enough.
I click the volume button, letting it ring out in silence as I creep out of bed and search the room for any sign of my clothes.
Nothing. At least, not in this darkness.
It’s no use, I make a beeline for the bathroom naked instead.
‘Hello?’ I say in a whisper, locking the bathroom door behind me.
I catch sight of my naked body in the mirror and feel guilt prick over me for answering the phone. Even though it’s a phone call, not a FaceTime, it still feels somewhat wrong to be talking to Noah stark naked like this.
‘She lives!’ he says jovially over the line. ‘And it only took five messages and three phone calls for you to finally grace me with your virtual presence.’
‘You sound just like my sisters,’ I say.
I lean my free hand against the sink and take a closer look at my face. I jump back in shock. The view is atrocious. I whack the tap on full and attempt to refresh my curls with one hand.
‘Am I interrupting something?’ Noah asks, I assume as a result of the running water.
‘Just freshening up.’
He cheers gleefully. ‘Yeah, you are.’
‘I am not doing the lad thing with you,’ I say.
‘Aw, you’re no fun,’ he tuts, but I can still hear the smile in his voice.
I’d be lying if I said I haven’t missed his smile a little over the last few days. There have been times I’ve thought to text him – catch him up on my days or share a funny joke that I have encountered. But then I get lost in Lina; in her eyes and her smile, and I forget my phone even exists.
‘How’s it been over there? Still enjoying yourself?’ he asks.
‘It’s a hoot,’ I say, splashing some water on my face. ‘We went on a Sound of Music tour yesterday and on Monday we had these amazing falafel wraps – you have to try them. I think I took a photo of the place. You probably still have time to get there today before we go. Take Joanna!’
‘Joanna’s no more.’ He sighs desolately.
‘Why? What happened?’
‘It just wasn’t meant to be,’ he says guardedly. ‘You know, we can push Vienna back if you’re having too much fun. I’ll have to check out of the Palais tonight, but I’m sure I can find a cheaper place to crash while you’re otherwise occupied.’
‘No, don’t be silly, we travel together,’ I tut, pulling at my cheeks and attempting to slap some elasticity back into them. ‘Plus, this is my fifth day with her and technically the rule is two dates unless . . .’
‘I deem it narratively interesting. And I do. Fill your boots,’ he says. ‘I feel like she’s the first person you’ve properly clicked with. Other than me, of course, but that’s a whole other thing.’
‘And what kind of thing would that be?’ I can’t help myself from asking.
He goes silent. I hold my breath.
‘You and I are something far too special for words.’
I hate how my heart flutters.
‘That felt like flirting,’ I scold him.
‘While you’re in the bathroom of your four-night-stand’s apartment? Never! Anyway, I won’t keep you. I have stuff to do too, I just wanted to make sure you’re still boarding the train tomorrow.’
‘I will be there. This afternoon. To pack my bags,’ I say.
‘If you say so,’ he says. ‘Tell Lina I say hi.’
‘I won’t.’
He hangs up pretty quickly, leaving me to my ever-so-slightly improved reflection.
I fumble around the cupboards for Lina’s toothpaste and finish the last of my freshening up before heading back out to see her sprawled across the entire bed, her light, wispy hair gently tousled from the night’s sleep.
‘I worried you left,’ she says sleepily.
‘Without telling you? I could never.’
She moves over as I shuffle back under the covers.
Within a second her hands are on me, stroking my skin, tracing my curves as she pulls me in for a morning kiss.
My lips part instantly, her tongue tracing over my teeth until they part for her as well.
I start to writhe against her. She moves back, the small moan that leaves her mouth sending shockwaves through my body and against my lips.
‘Good morning,’ she says in a whisper once we finally come up for air. ‘Did you sleep well?’
‘Fantastically. You?’
‘Yeah, I slept great. You really wore me out last night.’ She taps my nose lightly with her finger.
‘Says you! These last few days have been . . .’
I can’t fathom the words to describe how amazing my time with her has been. Just the thought of trying fills me with an unmistakable shyness. It’s terrifying how much I long to give her all of me.
‘These last few days have been beautiful.’ Her thin lips spread into a smile. ‘But I am going to have to get back to my life at some point today.’
I nod with understanding. After all, I came back home with her five days ago and have shaken up her schedule ever since.
We spent the whole day in bed together Sunday, hung out with her friends on Monday, and she cancelled yesterday’s shift to take me on the tour since I love The Sound of Music.
We have been consumed by each other since our first kiss.
My obsession arguably started even earlier, after I met her at speed dating.
From the second we touched we have been inseparable, and I have had a little pit in my stomach filled with dread at the thought of its impending end.
‘Do you have to go right now?’ I ask.
The truth is, once I walk out that door, I’ll have to accept that I’m leaving her behind in Salzburg. I softly trace the skin of her side and imagine life without her. A sadder, greyer, less vivid place.
‘My shift starts at twelve. I suppose if we were really quick, we could . . .’
Her hand reaches around me, pulling me in closer for a kiss. Our tongues meet violently and she grabs me tighter before pinning me onto my back and straddling me.
I love her weight on top of me. I love the way that she kisses. She’s this ball of light and laughter, and makes everything so easy. I melt back into the bed as she bends down to kiss me once more, her hair falling like a curtain around my face.
Later on, I sigh as we cuddle and catch our breath. ‘I could stay here all day.’
‘I’ll cancel my shift.’ She declares this unabashedly.
I pull her closer and give her a kiss on the head. ‘You are adorable. But don’t cancel. I need to leave at some point. We go to Vienna tomorrow.’
She pulls back. ‘Oh. That’s tomorrow?’
I sigh again. ‘Yeah, I feel like the last few days flew past.’
‘I’ll grab your clothes,’ she says woodenly.
She hops out of bed instantly, shuffling over to her wardrobe and pulling out my jeans and top.
I have no idea when she folded them in there in the first place, but that’s not surprising given how lost in her I’ve been these past few days.
I give a smile of thanks as she comes back over and presents me with the neatly folded pile, then start to shimmy my underwear on from under the covers while she picks out her own clothes.
I take a moment to watch her. Even while doing the mundane, she is one of the most captivating women I’ve ever seen. I feel myself being pulled to her, craving her. I don’t want this to end. There’s a tingling in my stomach that tells me that we could be something.
‘So, I was thinking . . .’ I say.
She pauses dressing to face me, lips parted in anticipation. I feel my stomach twist at the thought of opening up so fast, but the whole point of this adventure was to be more open.
‘What do you think about us maybe staying in touch?’ I say slowly.
‘I don’t know, maybe I could come back to Salzburg and we could .
. .’ I feel my breath catch, but I have to power through it.
This is worth it; she’s worth it. ‘I mean, Salzburg’s not that far from London on the plane and with social media . . .’
Her eyebrows raise the second she sees where I’m going.
She rushes over instantly, crouching over me to put an end to my nervous ramblings with a kiss.
It quickly becomes two kisses, three kisses, four, but then she pulls away, still nose to nose, and smiles softly back at me.
My stomach sinks. This is not the soft smile I’m used to.
There’s something more melancholic about it.
‘We can’t do that,’ she says, before turning and going back to getting dressed.
I sit up straight against the headboard, my body jolted by its confusion.
‘Why?’ I ask briskly.
‘Because it makes no sense, given your journey. What happens? You go on sixty more dates and then come back to me? And I just sit here and wait while you do?’
Her back is to me as she says it, not even bothering to stop pulling on her work trousers as she delivers the blow. As casual as her delivery is, it does nothing to mask the fact that it feels like a knife to the heart.
‘I-I’m sorry, I thought you were cool with the date thing,’ I say, lost.
Nothing about our interactions have ever indicated that my column was an issue. She’s asked me questions, laughed about it, cringed at some of my stories and praised the honesty and emotion in my writing. She made me see it as a badge of honour, rather than a scarlet letter.
She turns to face me again as she buttons up her shirt.
‘I am cool with it; I think it’s a fun adventure. But you can’t be serious about me while you do it.’ She tucks in her shirt and makes a start on her hair, turning back to the mirror. ‘You can’t be serious about anyone. Not when you’ve got such a long line of people to date.’
The weight of her words hits the badge of honour and plunges it through my chest into the depths of my heart.
I pull the covers up higher, as if that will stop me from shrinking into myself.
I thought Lina was different. She felt different.
I thought we had a foundation we could build into something stronger.
She really seemed like she saw past the girl in the column, but, as her words play back to me, I realise just how wrong I was.
‘You’ve got such a long line of people to date.’
The connotations are blatant. I felt the shame from them the moment she said it.
She spots me spiralling and tuts, creeping closer until she’s towering over me on her side of the bed.
She doesn’t bother to get in – not while she’s fully dressed and not after she’s just ripped out a chunk of my heart.
Instead, she reaches over and cups my chin in her hand before lifting my mouth to her lips for one final, tender peck.
‘I did like you, Amorie. And I’ve had so much fun, but fun is all it can be.’ She shrugs. ‘You knew that when you chose to date me. It’s why you made me one of your eighty.’
Why I made her one of my eighty, as if it’s a curse I inflicted upon her.
I look into her eyes, past the bravado, and see a flicker of hurt, and then for the first time I’m able to see myself from her point of view.
I saw a beautiful woman who asked me out and then proceeded to be everything I needed while I was here.
She sees a woman who knew this could never be anything from the start, but neglected to tell her until her friend brought it up.
Except I didn’t do it on purpose – I didn’t try to use her and I’m still not convinced that I actually have.
I like Lina. More than I care to admit. I might even see a future with her.
I never intended to make her feel like one of many in a pool of eighty dates.
I haven’t intended that for anyone. I don’t use people.
I guess I just hadn’t considered how it would feel from the other side.
What am I doing? What is the point of this all if I just keep moving from person to person? Surely you date to see how things go, but I’m cursed to already know. Everything just moves on to the next person.
I throw my head back against the pillow and stare at the ceiling, listening to her feet shuffle around the room. The longer I lie there, the more one question lingers in my mind.
Who else will I break if I continue this way?