20. Endure #2
The moment my boots hit the ground I set her aside and made certain she was steady on her feet, then let go of her like she burned, turning so my body faced Kham and she could only see my back.
“Thank y—”
“It’s fine,” I muttered. “I need to unharness Kham. You should go with Koa. Find a place to relieve yourself and get a drink of water. If you see a nice hollow for a fire near the water, make a seat there. I’ll bring food for you soon. But first I have to, um, take care of him,” I ended lamely.
I could feel her gaze burning on the back of my neck, but I couldn’t turn to meet it. I couldn’t.
“Vane—”
“I’d really like a moment alone with my dragon.”
She hesitated and I almost turned. When she spoke, the hurt was evident in her tone and my chest pinched.
“Yes. Yes, of course. Good idea. I’ll take Koa and see you when you’re finished.”
I placed one palm flat on Kham’s leg and nodded. I couldn’t move. If I did, I’d break loose and grab her up. My body trembled with need and frustrated hunger. And she looked so soft and—
I cursed and raked a hand through my hair, curling my fingers into Kham’s scaled leg.
‘Voski… breathe.’
I nodded, but didn’t move. Just listened to the footsteps of Koa and the soft murmur of Grace’s voice as she spoke to her quietly.
“Are they out of sight?” I asked Kham eventually.
‘Yes.’
Blowing out a breath, I turned slowly to look and make sure he wasn’t teasing me. But, no. A large shadow moved beyond the trees, which would be Koa. I couldn’t see Grace at all.
Thank God.
Walking stiffly because my body refused to relax, I hurried around Kham, unbuckling and unstrapping, finally rolling his harness up and walking it over to the trees where I could leave it until we flew again in a few hours.
By the time he was free and I had the harness off, my body had finally eased—but only so that my need was no longer visible.
That humming behind my navel heralded the immediate return of arousal if I saw her, or heard her, or smelled her.
I threw the bag over one shoulder, but when I took a step, the ache that rolled through me threatened to take me off my feet. I stopped walking and just stood there. Helpless as my body trembled.
How was I going to do this for the five or six days it would take us to travel back? She couldn’t fly for twelve hours at a stretch like Gil and I had done on the way here to travel more quickly than that. I might wish I was alone, but I didn’t want to kill her.
And yet, we were only a few hours in and I was already walking the line of my control.
How the hell was I going to do this for a week?
‘You need to work together. Unify in purpose. Ease the battle. And for the Creator’s sake, tell her your name. A mate should not be unclear on such details.’
‘She isn’t my mate unless I accept—’
‘You must soften, Voski. Your rigidity will only create further problems.’
“My rigidity is the problem,” I muttered back, spluttering a humorless laugh.
But Kham didn’t entertain my attempt to deflect his wisdom. ‘Voski…’
It was so unlike my dragon to hesitate, I turned to look at him in shock. ‘What? What’s wrong?’
Kham sighed. ‘I know your pain. And your fear. I understand why she reminds you of—’
“No. Not now. I’m not talking about it.”
‘We’ve spoken before about the ways the Creator brings us people and events to peel back the curtain on our hearts,’ he continued—too kindly. It set my teeth.
‘I said, no!’ I scowled at him. ‘I don’t have the energy to deal with this fight. I’m not wrestling with those demons as well. Not now. One problem at a time, please.’
Kham snorted. ‘Finding your mate isn’t a problem. It’s a gift.’
‘Would you please stop referring to her—’
‘You wish me to lie?’
‘No! I want you on my side!’
Kham turned his head and met my eyes without a word, and the clouds in that beautiful gaze, the wave of hurt that reached me in the bond made me ashamed.
‘I’m sorry,’ I conceded. ‘I didn’t mean that.’
‘Yes, you did. But I forgive you. This presses you to your limit. No one understands that better than me. But you have two choices: To endure. Or to surrender. Anything else will break you.’
‘Then I’ll endure.’
He sighed heavily. ‘I really believed you would see the truth.’
‘I have. That’s why I’m resisting.’
He shook his head, then his whole body, like a massive dog.
It was dragon-speak for releasing tension.
He pointed his nose in the direction Grace and Koa had disappeared and started to walk—slowly, but without looking back.
‘To deny a matebond is akin to denying the Creator Himself,’ he sent softly.
‘Think carefully about this choice, Voski. Very carefully.’
‘If we couldn’t deny it, there would be no need to accept it in the first place,’ I argued as I followed him.
‘I said nothing of being unable to deny a bond. You can do anything you set your stubborn will to.’
I shot him a look. ‘You always talk about my free will, and how you won’t play God—’
‘I am not the one attempting to play God.’
That blow landed. But as I scrambled for a response, some way to make him see how impossible this was, Kham turned his long neck and looked me in the eye again.
‘The choice is yours,’ he sent reluctantly.
‘But the consequence of that also belongs to you. If you choose to deny, it leaves you no room for anger at her, or cruelty in your treatment of her. You are a leader of men—and women, now. You must take responsibility for the choice no one else has made for you, and act like it. And for the Creator’s sake—do so in courage and honesty.
Tell her the correct name. Tell her about the bond and why you reject it. Own your decisions.’
Then he walked on, leaving me to follow in his dust, and think on his words.
And the truth was, I couldn’t disagree.
I didn’t know how the fuck to do it. But he was right. It was the only choice.
I just needed to get her back to Vosgaarde as quickly as possible. Then I could pass her off to whoever was her actual leader.
I took a deep breath as I imagined handing her over to someone else. And even though that mental image pinched, I nodded. That was the answer.
I’d distract myself with something useful. What I’d done dozens of times: Train her as I would any male Flameborne. Then put her in the capable hands of whoever her wing leader would be, already half-prepared for her own success.
I had no doubt that she and Koa would be Acknowledged. My squad sister, Bren, was already a pinned Furyknight. Grace wouldn’t be rejected.
Endure. Kham’s words echoed in my head. Endure, or surrender.
There was really only one choice.