50. State of the #3
We’d worked together. I respected him, and believed he respected me. He made it clear he anticipated change. I anticipated the loss of this life as I knew it if we didn’t sort this shit out.
I would have waited for him to acknowledge me, as was appropriate, but to my relief, though he frowned as he saw me approaching, it was with concern. He didn’t make me wait to address him.
“What is it?” he asked quietly.
“I think you should send me back to Fyrehold to hunt down the traitors who were—”
“No.”
I gritted my teeth. I’d expected resistance, but I’d thought he’d at least listen to my proposal!
“Sir, I already know the palace and grounds in Fyrehold, and if you’re sending a team, I could lead it.” Get free of Grace’s constant presence, and save the life I knew. “Sir, I’d welcome the chance to—”
“No. You’re needed here. There’s so much change coming, Voski. We need as little upheaval among the ranks as possible. But, don’t worry, you already proved your mettle in Fyrehold. You’re up for promotion.”
“I don’t want a promotion. I want to work,” I hissed.
I wanted out. I wanted away. I wanted to stop looking over my shoulder. To stop feeling haunted at every step and—
“Good. Then work. Here. The Furyknights—including Shadowfang—need to keep their leaders close until everyone feels more secure. You’ll be an important part of that—unless you plan to leave entirely? Everyone has the choice—”
“No! Of course not. I go where you go, sir. Only, we have to find the men who stole from us in Fyrehold, not to mention Draeventhall—”
“We cannot enforce rule in another kingdom. We aren’t even sure if those rulers knew about the scheme. Only that there were men within their kingdoms working with our traitors.”
“So, let me be on the team who moves to find out! You know I am adept at subterfuge—”
“I do, which is why there’s much more important work for you here. We don’t even know yet if those involved in Fyrehold and Draeventhall knew the breadth of what was being planned. But regardless, we’ll find anyone involved and guard our borders against them.”
“The best protection I know is to remove the threat,” I insisted, but caught myself as Gil and Bren approached, still talking quietly, but eyes on us.
I beckoned them closer, growing desperate to make the man see that this would suit everyone.
Especially me. “Gil could come with me—he’s willing. Between us we could—”
“Voski, hear me: The answer is no.” He was so firm, so unwavering, it would have been an act of outright disrespect to argue.
But that thread of hope that I could both flee the issues here, and do some good to protect this kingdom and these men I loved, began to die in my chest. “What I will do is keep your name on the list for those we’re using here in Vosgaarde.
I’m certain there are more people involved than the queen uncovered before the king’s death.
I’ll consider both of you for that team. ”
Gil grinned, but I scowled at him. Bren sidled up to the general, whose attention immediately shifted to her and the way they looked at each other made my chest constrict.
A thought came unbidden. If Grace was here, I could have a warm smile like that. A soft body to find comfort—
A shiver skated up my spine as my insides ripped in two—half of me envious and aching for the love those two shared.
Half terrified and furious that I could be so easily distracted from a very important purpose.
But before I could find a way to continue the conversation without offending my general, he ended the opportunity.
“Now, I have to speak to the captains, so I’ll say farewell. Bren—I’ll see you at home?”
She smiled and squeezed his hand, then slipped back between Gil and me as he strode away, leaving me there, still dangling my heart in hope of a rash plan that he’d shot down faster than a ballista bolt.
Reluctantly, I followed my brother and sister out of the cavern and into the tunnels. I almost left them when I realized Gil wanted to tease her about the sparkling eyes of our general, and how obviously in love he was.
Gil teased her about him incessantly. And she loved it.
I followed them, miserable. Because for just a moment there, I’d thought perhaps I’d seen a glimmer of hope.
If I could have left Vosgaarde, left the conflicts of denying this bond, left the big, round eyes following me—but for a purpose. To protect…
But Donavyn wasn’t a man to speak lightly. And his refusal had been emphatic.
I was stuck.
Stuck being haunted, and hounded.
Stuck feeling my dragon be so fucking happy.
Stuck waiting to watch my kingdom crumble, and take with it the only sense of family and safety that I knew.
Please, God, there has to be something more. There has to be something better. It can’t stay like this forever.
“You’re just jealous,” Bren giggled at Gil, though there were high points of pink on her cheeks.
No, I’m not!
I swallowed the words, the sullen protest, recognizing it for what it was, but panicking, because she hadn’t even been speaking to me.
Still. The sentiment remained. I wasn’t jealous.
I couldn’t be.
I was the one who’d denied this bond!