66. Not Alone
~ GRACE ~
Awareness came slowly. Chest tight. Eyes aching. Stomach sick and a pit of dread yawning, demanding attention.
I slowly remembered the nightmares—more than one. Always of running in the dark, of my hands covered in blood, of terrible, nameless things happening in the shadows behind me. And every time, I screamed for Voski. And every time, he appeared from nowhere to drag me to safety.
I was very warm. The blankets heavy and breath on my neck, fluttering in my hair.
I blinked my aching eyes open. I was lying on my side, so could see the room and the ladder leading down the stable, all beginning to glow with the warm spears of light through the slats from the aisles below.
I didn’t move or speak, but there was a weight on my side. My stinging eyes caught on the strong, masculine hand resting on the covers in front of me.
Voski.
I inhaled sharply, but didn’t move.
His arm was wrapped around me, his large hand rested on the bed in front of me.
His body warmed me from neck to knees. And even though the memories of the night before hadn’t left me, even though something inside me still felt horribly fragile, having him there soothed an ache I’d carried since the day Koa chose me.
Pushing away dark thoughts, I closed my eyes and sank into the curve of his chest, inhaling the rugged scent of cedar and salt and man. My heart raced.
I’d considered what it would feel like the first time I woke up in the arms of a man. Yet, in my mind, that moment had always been fascinating, but awkward and uncertain. It had never looked like this. It never felt soft. And so, so safe.
My eyes pinched, but I pushed the urge for tears away. There’d been enough of that last night.
Last night. Voski staring at me across the table. His dark eyes intent.
Voski leaving.
The alleyway, and that kiss…
And then it all went wrong. And instead of fleeing, instead of dismissing me, he’d held me. He’d helped. I’d thrown myself into his chest and sobbed like a baby, and he just held me. And whispered to me. And washed me and oh, no, no, no, no!
I pushed up to sit, intending to throw myself out of the bed, but then realized I wore nothing but a thin cotton shirt that was sheer enough to show my nipples and Voski was right there.
I squeaked and grabbed at the blanket, pulling it up to cover my chest as he blinked awake, frowning, leaning up on one elbow, pushing back the hair that fell over his forehead—then went still.
His eyes snapped up to mine. “Grace? Did you have another nightmare?”
Only the one where you saw me naked because I lost my mind for a few hours and embarrassed myself like a child.
“No.”
He blew out a breath and let himself sink back to the pillow.
“It’s okay if you did. It happens. Especially the first few weeks.
But they will fade. Don’t worry.” He lay on his back, one hand resting on his chest, and his eyes—with bags, and dark circles under them—closed slowly.
“Lay back down. Sleep again if you can.”
I gaped at him. Thrilled that he was there, and being kind. Terrified that he was there, and being kind.
Wondering what had happened the night before that I didn’t remember, because so much of it was a blur. But everything I could recall? Through all of it, he’d been there.
His eyes opened and he caught me staring at him. I snapped my head front, staring at the wall instead, swallowing hard.
My stomach was sick with dread, and dark memories of that alleyway kept skittering into the back of my mind. Noises. Smells.
I didn’t want to think about that.
“Hey, hey,” he said softly, sitting up and putting a hand to my hair. “Just breathe and give yourself time. You’re safe, Grace. I promise.”
Swallowing hard, I stared at the base of the bed.
How would I ever face him again?
“Grace, can you hear me?”
“Of course I can hear you,” I whispered. “I’m just embarrassed.”
“You have nothing to be embarrassed about.”
I snorted. It was something my mother abhorred. But my squad brothers did it constantly, and Bren quite often. It seemed appropriate just now.
He saw my body and he’s not my husband. Snort.
Nothing to be embarrassed about. Snort.
You’re safe. Snort.
I pulled the blankets tighter to my chest, but they didn’t want to move out from under his weight. Voski gave a little grunt, then sat all the way up, jerking the quilts out from under himself.
He was still fully clothed.
He’d washed me.
He was still clothed.
Oh, and I killed a man.
A vision of my hands, covered in blood, loomed in my head and my breath rushed out of me.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa… don’t.”
“Don’t what?” I asked tightly.
“Whatever you just thought about. Don’t.”
I gaped at him.
He frowned. “Can you understand what I’m saying?”
I glared. “I’m embarrassed. Not stupid.”
His lips twitched up on one side and he looked so handsome and oh heavens he saw me with no clothes on and—
“Grace, please, don’t worry. We are… well, brothers-in-arms, I suppose.
I have seen my brothers in every ignoble, humiliating, compromising position you can imagine—and then some.
And they’ve all seen me in the same. You have nothing to worry about.
This is what we do. When crisis hits, we stay close. We support. We help. We’re family.”
Everything he said was warming, comforting. Except that last word.
My feelings must have shown on my face, because he frowned. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, I’m very grateful. Of course I am. I was a horrid mess last night. Thank you for your help,” I hushed, bowing my head at him so I wouldn’t have to keep meeting his eyes. “I just didn’t expect this kindness and I’m not really sure…”
He grimaced and ran those long fingers through his hair, that was mussed and sticking out behind his ears and falling into his eyes. “Admittedly, I haven’t given you reason to expect that—so now, I’m sorry. But you need to know…”
I wasn’t quite looking at him. Had my head turned, but stared at the wall beyond his hip because I couldn’t meet his eyes. He trailed off and went quiet, and I frowned. Was he changing his mind?
I startled when his fingers gripped my chin and he turned me, forcing me to meet his solemn gaze.
“Listen to me. I understand. And others among our squad will as well, when the time is right to tell them. I’m here and willing to help. But if you’d rather speak with someone else, I know who to ask. Who’s been through this. If you don’t feel comfortable—”
“No, I do!” I gasped. “I need you!” Then I clapped a hand over my mouth, because this was precisely the thing that got me into trouble.
But Voski slumped, looking relieved, as if he’d been afraid I’d say otherwise.
That couldn’t be right. I wished I was better at reading men.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I didn’t mean need you. I only meant—”
“You’re fine, Grace. I need you, as well.”
The words were stark, startling, so wholly unexpected, I locked eyes with him, speechless.
And he stared right back, a wary edge in his gaze. But he never turned. Didn’t back away or run.
“Wh-what did you say?” I breathed.
He cleared his throat, then swallowed audibly. But his eyes never left mine. “I couldn’t let you face that alone. Because I’ve been through it. And I’d never let anyone go through that without help.”
All the warm, fizzing feelings that had rushed around the edges of that sick dread, bubbled out of my chest, to my skin, to dissipate into the air.
He’d stayed on purpose. He wanted to help.
He would have done that for anyone.
Because we were all family.
My stomach twisted in protest, but I tried to smile. “Well, thank you. It was difficult. But easier to endure because you were here,” I said as properly as I could. He smiled and I tore my gaze from him to look around the room. “I need to get dressed. I need to harness Koa and…”
I could finally fly alone. And suddenly didn’t want to be alone at all.
All the lovely, warm feelings I’d had the day before—the excitement, the pride, the anticipation—had turned to cold rocks in my belly.
I slumped. I had passed the flight assessment, even when another man didn’t. I could ride Koa alone. I tried to conjure the anticipation I’d had the day before. I’d been so looking forward to this. But now it just felt—
Voski caught my chin again and turned me to face him, shaking his head.
“The joy will come back, Grace,” he said quietly.
“The fun. It hasn’t gone forever. But these other feelings, they’ll come back sometimes, too—and without warning.
That’s normal, you understand? And when that happens, you should talk to me.
Or, others if you’d feel more comfortable. ”
“Bren?” I asked in a voice much more shrill than I’d intended.
Voski frowned. “She hasn’t been through this, that I know of.
But I know she wants to help you. Only this kind of thing eats you up unless you hear reassurance from someone who’s been through it.
I’ve learned, we don’t always tell ourselves the truth about it.
So, come to me. Or Ronen. Or Gil. Even Einar, or Jhoare. Any of us can help.”
I swallowed. “Thank you.”
We both stared. He let go of my chin, but I was locked in that gaze—his eyes so dark they looked black in the dim, morning light that filtered through the gaps in the slats.
I didn’t want him to leave. I didn’t want to leave. But he must be ready to get back to his life?
I stared into his eyes, each moment telling myself that I needed to break that gaze. To look away. To move away. But I couldn’t.
He stared back, his expression strange. Suddenly, he blinked, then jerkily scooted himself off the end of the bed.
“Sorry, sorry,” he said like I’d chastised him.
“Of course, you need to get dressed. I’ll go down.
I’ll wait for you. We can get breakfast. Food will help.
Anything normal—that’s what you should focus on today.
Do normal things. With normal people. Anyone who can smile.
But don’t pretend. If you’re struggling, come find me, or Gil, or Ronen. ”
“Did you tell them?” I gasped.
“No, no!” he stood at the end of the bed now, and raised his palms to reassure me. “No, they don’t know. But you can trust them. And if you tell them, they won’t judge.”
“Voski, I murdered a man. They should judge.”
His expression grew stern then. He took the two strides around the bed to reach my side, then squatted down next to me, his expression grim. “You did no such thing.”
“He’s dead!” I hissed, my eyes stinging with unshed tears again.
He nodded once, but his expression went hard. “And if you hadn’t done what you did, I’d be dead, and you’d probably be dead—or worse. That isn’t murder, Grace. That’s self-defense. And even God allows that.”
I took a breath and turned away again, chewing that over. But he caught my chin and turned me back to face him. “Hear me. This is a moment in your life. A dark moment, to be sure. But it isn’t who you are. It’s something that happened to you. You showed skill, and instinct, and courage.”
“I wept like a baby.”
“I’ve done the same,” he said without shame. “And my dragon still chose me. And my brothers still stand by me. And now I’m standing by you. You did the right thing. It was him who was dark.”
I inhaled, then exhaled deeply. “Thank you.” I wasn’t sure I believed him, but having his eyes on me, his tone kind, and protective, helped. “Thank you, Voski.”
“I’m here. I’ll remain here. You are not alone. Do you hear me?”
I nodded.
“Good. Then I’ll go downstairs. You dress, then find me in Kham’s stable when you’re ready.”
To my shock, he leaned forward and laid a sweet kiss on my forehead, then he was on his feet, and down the ladder, leaving me there, with the blankets still gripped to my chest.
Gaping.
And my stomach bubbling again, with dread, and with dreadful hope.