68. Your Best Purpose
SOUNDTRACK: Creep (in the style of Deftones) by Anthony Vincent
~ VOSKI ~
A few strides from reaching my friends, my courage failed me.
What was I doing? What would I say? But that twisting in my guts wouldn’t ease. And the hollow in my chest didn’t stop aching. I couldn’t walk away. I couldn’t stay in the shadows. I had to see her. Had to meet eyes and ask—
“The queen is attending your wedding?” Grace asked Bren, awe and alarm mingled in her tone.
I’d just reached them, and stumbled on the word wedding, because that one sentence brought everything rushing back.
Noblewoman.
Betrothed to a foreign lord.
How the hell had I lost sight of that? I was a fucking spy. I didn’t forget holes in an ally’s defense.
Gil turned, surprised that I’d appeared, but used to me approaching without attention, so he just shook his head and huffed. “Sneaky bastard.”
I didn’t answer him, just shrugged, trying to keep my expression blank, though my pulse thundered. Jhoare tipped his chin at me, but the girls were talking. And my heart pounded in my skin.
Grace glanced over her shoulder. Her eyes widened a hair when she saw me, but she smiled. My chest grew hot.
As Bren babbled on about their plans for the wedding, and reassured Grace that the queen supported their union, my head spun.
I had mentioned her betrothal to Ronen when we landed, but with everything else, it had fallen to the wayside. I had to discuss it with Ronen. Fill Donavyn in. How the hell had I lost sight of such a critical piece of information.
Suddenly, my failings stacked up: Unable to sense Grace. Hard on Kham. Losing control and laying hands on Gil. Forgetting crucial obstacles…
Was I losing my skill? Losing my mind?
But since I’d only just joined my friends, if I ran off again, they’d be suspicious.
Grace kept glancing back at me, and my senses kicked in.
She was growing shaky again.
Which, when I looked around, made sense. It was nearly dark. Of course she’d be reminded of the events of the evening before as night descended.
I watched her carefully, measuring her for returning shock. But she focused on Bren, and though I could sense her fragility, she kept herself composed.
I was breathless with admiration. She’d been through hell, but she’d walked through this day bold, and beautiful. She carried herself like a noble and a Furyknight—chin high, shoulders back, striding into whatever would come.
Fragile? Yes. Fearless, also.
She was incredible.
My breath came too fast and shallow, and my heart pumped like I’d been running. But that wasn’t what made me feel breathless.
“I hope someone’s making sure Donavyn has a nice dress for the occasion,” Jhoare interjected, with a grin. It took a moment to remember he spoke of the wedding.
Gil snorted, and Bren cackled. Grace smiled, and looked at me over her shoulder again. And, holy fuck. I wanted to make her do that again.
Smile. Smile for me. Let your eyes sparkle again. The world is dark, but there’s light here, too. And beauty. And—
I stumbled again.
Dear God. I was losing my mind.
“You sick, bro?” Gil asked, surprised, staring at me like he was truly concerned.
I rolled my eyes. “I’m fine. Just tired. I didn’t sleep well last night.”
It was the wrong thing to say. Every person in that conversation had a different theory on why I hadn’t slept well.
Jhoare smiled knowingly.
Bren shot me a look.
Gil smirked and looked at Grace, whose smile fell to earth and shattered.
I stared at her, silently pleading for forgiveness. It had been a thoughtless comment, but my wits had abandoned me. I didn’t have a pithy answer to brush them all off.
“I’m sure we can all use a better rest tonight,” Bren said breezily. “Grace wasn’t the only one who drank too much last night.” She sent pointed looks at both of my brothers, and as they leaped to their own defense, I could have kissed her for the distraction.
Conversation turned to the coming days, and patrols, and Grace’s training.
“I’ll take the slot to help tomorrow,” I hurriedly offered. “I’m not on patrol until evening.”
Gil nodded. “Good man.”
It turned out they’d all been to check on their dragons and were now headed to the barracks. Bren wanted to show Grace the lounge, while Gil and Jhoare planned to start a card game.
I thought of staring at Grace over cards for the next three hours, watching the others make her laugh and touching her and fell over myself, making excuses. It would be a good distraction for her. But, she wouldn’t be alone. I couldn’t talk to her. And what would I have said if I could?
Why was I so flustered? I prayed it didn’t show on my face.
“Well, I had a meeting. I haven’t seen Kham yet. And I have to mend his harness. You guys go. Maybe I’ll find you later if I get done in time.”
“You sleeping out tonight?” Gil asked casually. Did he want the solitude, or was it just a question?
“I planned to,” I said, because I had.
An ache rolled through my chest. I felt Grace’s eyes on the side of my face as I clasped hands with Gil, then Jhoare. She was still staring when I turned back.
“Are you—”
“She’ll be fine,” Bren cut in, an edge in her voice I didn’t like. I had to fight not to glare when I forced myself to turn to her. “I’ll get her back to her loft. Safe and sound.”
Was she offering mercy, telling me Grace wouldn’t be accompanied by one of the men? Or making a point to tell me I wasn’t needed?
“That’s good.”
Bren nodded quickly.
It felt momentous to turn to Grace. My ribs creaked with the ache that sang in the hollow of my chest. “Have a good night. Don’t let Gil wager with you. He’ll keep pushing for another, then never let it go once he loses,” I said, trying to smile, but not succeeding, even when Gil cursed at me.
“Oh, I don’t gamble,” Grace said, then swallowed. “But, thank you.”
I nodded and stopped walking because we’d reached the intersection of paths. I found a reason to tease Jhoare for a moment longer, walking backward, away from them, watching.
But Grace never turned around. She kept her eyes on her feet, or on Bren. And as the twilight swallowed them up, I was forced to walk away, back to the stable, and to Kham.
Kham, who hadn’t spoken in my head, but who must have heard all of it. Kham, who knew that I didn’t need to check on him. And that I’d never allow a harness strap to take damage.
Kham, whose head was extended into the aisle as I trudged back to the stable, because he watched for me. Both he and Koa greeted me when I was close, and that surprised and warmed me.
‘Please tell Koa I’m blessed by her,’ I told him. ‘I’ve been so distracted. I haven’t told her how well she’s doing, adjusting to our life here.’
‘I’ve told her,’ Kham sent with pride, crooning at Koa, who tossed her head and bugled.
Watching them, the sweet unity between them, the casual intimacy, made that ache in my chest intensify. And brought the echo of Donavyn’s words again.
My heart has taken a body—a beautiful, desirable body—and now walks on its own, outside of my chest… She is beauty. And fierce joy. Bolstering strength. She is my delight—
I stopped at Kham’s side, scratching his eye-ridges because he’d lowered his head to my level. He snorted and groaned, turning his head into the touch.
‘Is that what it’s like for you, Kham?’ I asked warily.
‘The words are insufficient, but true,’ he responded.
‘Insufficient?’
‘They do not paint all the colors, in all their glory.’
I swallowed hard.
‘They seem like very colorful pictures to me,’ I sent warily.
Kham huffed. ‘Because you have not allowed yourself the experience of the fullness,’ he sent softly.
I shuddered. ‘But Kham… I can’t.’
‘Not true. You won’t. Which is different.’
‘I can’t,’ I insisted. ‘You know me. You know my weaknesses. If I gave in to that fire, I’d lose my self-control. I might harm her and—’
‘You will not harm your mate,’ he intoned, as if saying the words could make them true.
‘You can’t know that! I can’t know that!’
‘I know the bond. I know the Creator who gave it to us. And I know you,’ he added firmly.
I stared at him. ‘Yes, you do. And you can’t deny the risks. Free will, remember? You taught me that. I can step into the best of myself, or the worst. I have the choice. The Creator gives me the choice, and so do you.’
‘And you will.’
‘That’s exactly what I’m afraid of.’
He huffed, and not with laughter. ‘Voski, the bond is what we are meant for. It is a reflection of the Creator’s heart, a gift given to us to offer and enjoy. It was given for your blessing, not your curse.’
‘The cursed parts of me receive it just as much as the good.’
‘But it does not feed those parts of your soul that still fight the dark.’
I gave him a look. ‘Yes, it does. I felt it, Kham. I feel it. Last night she was in crisis and at one point my body took my mind to taking her. It was sick!’
‘To want your mate is not sick. It is good. And right. And so much more than physical union.’
‘I’m sure that’s true when it’s done right.’ I was muttering, even in the link. ‘But I don’t trust myself. I can’t. That’s the light in me, Kham. Remember that. It’s the good part of me that is wary—on her behalf.’
‘You confuse your drive to protect, with the depth of the need. The two are created to co-exist.’
‘One will always win.’
‘Yes. The right one. As the Creator intended. Or, do you accuse Him of wanting to trip you up? Of bringing you a test you cannot pass just so He might condemn you?’
‘No. I know what he would want from me, and I know myself. I’m not capable of it, Kham. Whatever the intent of a bond might be, I am weak and flawed. Look how I’ve hurt her already!’
‘You hurt her by fighting the deepest part of your purpose with her. You hurt yourself in that, as well.’
I wanted to argue. Wanted to insist that he acknowledge what he knew. But thinking of her made me anxious to be certain she was safe. And that desire to be close to her built the fire in my belly to have her.
It was just proof that I was right. But, of course, my dragon saw all those thoughts in my head.
‘Voski, you were made for this. If the Creator made her for you, he made you able to love her.’
I recoiled at that word, even as my heart exploded with nerves and fizzing hope.
‘The conversation is pointless. I couldn’t touch her while she was dealing with this,’ I sent, nodding because I was sure of that much.
Even if I could let go of the rest, I knew that.
‘Not until she’s feeling safe in her skin.
God, I couldn’t risk mixing up her fear with that.
I’d need to wait until she was back in a steady place so she could receive me without confusion—’
Kham rumbled pleasantly and I realized what I’d just said. ‘That was a philosophical answer!’ I sent hurriedly. ‘I wasn’t saying I would—’
‘Have you considered, that intimacy, and safety with you, might be precisely what she needs to find her steadiness?’ he asked carefully.
‘Her heart yearns for safety. Everything is new, and now she’s suffered a true blow.
What if what she needs most right now, in order to heal and face this new world, is you?
What if your denial makes her pain worse? ’
I was startled. The thought had never occurred to me.
That space in my chest, the hollow that had opened from the first moment the dragons bonded, it sang. Fluttered. Thrilled at that idea.
I imagined going to her, finding her in the barracks, catching her eye across the room and summoning her to me, pulling her away, sinking into the shadows together, plunging my hands into her hair, taking her mouth and—
‘Kham! Stop!’
My dragon growled, though he wasn’t angry. ‘Stubborn, stubborn, stubborn,’ he hissed in my head.
‘That wasn’t fair.’
‘Your resistance of the bond that weaves between all of us is what is not fair,’ he muttered.
I blinked. “But you and Koa are already—”
‘Do you really believe your denial has no impact on us? Do you tell yourself I would push you to anything I do not believe is for your best?’
‘Do you really believe I would resist something I thought would be good for me? For her?’ I asked him with equal gravity.
Kham groaned a sigh and dropped his head again, nudging me with his snout. ‘One day,’ he sent quietly, his tone resigned. ‘One day you will look back and see that I led you well.’
‘I already do,’ I said, scratching his face again. ‘It’s how I know that I have to take special care with her right now. You taught me that. You showed me how to walk another soul through this.’
‘And yet, you do not follow my example with your mate. The most precious of all.’
I shook my head. As Koa whistled at Kham, I slapped his neck, then walked into the stable, to the back, the corner where I left my things, and stood there, staring at it.
Usually, on a night like this, when I didn’t have responsibility until the following afternoon, I would go to the solitude. I’d sleep out there, alone, in the quiet. Then I’d return refreshed.
I itched to leave. Something inside driving me to that selfish place. But I shook my head.
Not until I knew she was safe.
Not until I knew she could sleep without the nightmares.
And yet, even as I unfolded my cot and began setting up for the night, my mind tripped back to those images Kham had sent of going after her, of bringing her to me in the dark, of touching her…
It was torment.
And I wasn’t sure how much longer I could endure it.