67. Fresh Eyes #2
He huffed. “It’s everything,” he said simply.
“She’s in my head. In my chest. Within me.
A piece of me. It feels like my heart has taken a body—a beautiful, desirable body—and now walks on its own, outside of my chest,” he said.
But not with the dark, frustrated tone I would have expected.
He said the words warmly. “She is beauty. And fierce joy. Bolstering strength. She is my delight. While my heart walks outside of me, it is also full. That place behind my ribs where she resides, it glows. And she feels the same—all of it. She wants me as deeply as I want her, and she needs me with the same single-mindedness. This isn’t an imbalance, Voski. The bond is unity.”
Grace’s eyes widened. “Voski…” she whispered. “Why do I need you?”
I flinched and Donavyn paused, his sparkling gaze turning worried. “I’ve sent you into a den of men who would kill you in a breath and didn’t see you flinch like that. What’s happened, man? Why do you look afraid?”
Fear shrieked. I backed away, shaking my head. “That is not… I’ve never… that’s not what I’m experiencing,” I insisted. “That’s not what’s happening.”
Donavyn frowned harder. “So, you consummated, but the bond didn’t take?”
“No!” I snarled. “Why does everyone just assume—”
“Because I know the fucking drive—no pun intended—that happens when your dragons bond. And your dragons are bonded, yes?”
“Yes, but—”
“Was Koa in heat?”
“Yes, but we—”
“Then don’t tell me you felt nothing!”
“I didn’t feel nothing—but I don’t feel that!” I barked back at him.
Donavyn’s head snapped back and I remembered who I was speaking to. I swallowed hard and lifted my hands in surrender.
“Sir, I am sorry,” I breathed. “But, please, the things that are happening aren’t what you just described.”
“If there’s no bond, why did you disappear with her last night?”
I swallowed. To tell him? He’d be responsible for investigating, ensuring the death was warranted. And even though I was sure he’d find in her favor eventually, the questions it would raise, the impacts that could have on her when she was already struggling. I couldn’t risk it.
“I give you my word, I didn’t touch Grace last night,” I responded carefully.
“Not like that. I helped her. As a brother. A mentor. I’ve been with her since the beginning and she trusts me.
She’s confided in me. This is where I excel.
I understand what she needs. She’s struggling, and she needed someone.
Whatever lays between us because of our dragons, it isn’t that.
Whatever is meant to be, the dragons will sort it out. ”
Donavyn looked at me thoughtfully, rubbing his chin. “I’ll admit, we don’t know how this works for others, only how it worked for us. But, even Ronen’s observed that you watch her, Voski.”
“I watch her because she bears watching,” I said flatly.
“Hiding a bond isn’t healthy. I know how difficult it is. The internal struggle. The dual pull of responsibility for men, when your very being demands you focus on her. If you even think it’s a possibility, let me help you. I’ve walked this road. I can help you.”
The echoes of my words to Grace, lingered. I swallowed hard. Donavyn watched me closely, but he continued.
“We already discuss dispensations among the commanders, assuming this kind of bond will occur more and more often as greater numbers of women are Chosen. We’ve already discussed it with the queen.
We have plans in place. Please. Voski. I know it’s awkward to be the first, but, you don’t have to hide this.
And I would say, man to man, you know that I trust you.
I believe I’ve proven myself to you, as well. ”
“You have, sir,” I nodded. “My vow stands. I returned here uncertain what I’d find. I’m relieved that it’s you.”
Donavyn nodded and clapped my shoulder. “See? Talk to me. Let me help you, son.”
The words sat there, on the tip of my tongue, begging for release.
The temptation was suddenly overwhelming.
To tell him all of it. To describe the torment.
The fear. The need. That torture of resisting her.
To explain why it terrified me. To purge the fear, and ask the questions about how much control must be lost. To hope.
But even Grace didn’t know why I’d resisted this. And she was so fragile, I couldn’t put that on her now. I couldn’t leap on her suddenly, after everything that had passed. I couldn’t ask her to figure this out with me when she was already reeling.
I also couldn’t deny that, in that moment, I wished it were different. For the first time, the thought of the bond didn’t make me ill.
Merely abject terror.
I closed my mouth and took a step back. “Thank you, sir. If things change, I’ll come to you. I’m humbled that you’re willing. And if anything develops, I will talk to you.”
It was a strange moment. I’d lived through things with this man that brought us close and built trust. Yet, we were not peers.
We didn’t jest. He was a leader. One I admired.
I felt pride when he entrusted me with important roles.
He was a man I wished to emulate. So, it pinched when he looked at me with concern.
“Voski, there’s something I haven’t had reason to speak before, but perhaps might be helpful here: It is clear to me that God brought me a mate not just for the joy of it.
But because she balances me. And I balance her.
She does not take His place in my heart, but she opens me, draws out pieces of myself I don’t recognize.
I won’t say it isn’t challenging, but I am better for it.
And she would say the same. We heal each other,” he said carefully.
I swallowed. It was hard to breathe. “I’m very happy for you both,” I mumbled.
His lips thinned. “I didn’t tell you this so you’d congratulate me. I want to assure you—”
“I’m telling the truth, sir,” I said quickly. “The dragons are bonded. We are not. Last night I helped her because she needed it. I would have done the same for any of my brothers.”
Donavyn’s chin dropped and he sighed. Then he shoved his hands in his pockets and shrugged. “If you have no other questions, you’re dismissed, I suppose.”
“Thank you, sir,” I murmured some further apology as I turned for the door, but he only grunted.
The moment I was in the hallway, I fled.
Out of the building, back down the path toward the stables, not even considering where I headed, or why.
I just had to move, to get out from under his measuring gaze.
It felt like he peeled back my skin to reveal things I didn’t want to see.
My heart pounded in my chest, and my pulse hammered in my ears.
It feels like my heart has taken a body—a beautiful, desirable body—and now walks on its own, outside of my chest. She is beauty. And fierce joy. Bolstering strength. She is my delight. While my heart walks outside of me, it is also full. That place behind my ribs where she resides, it glows.
I rounded a corner just in time to find Bren and Grace walking out of the stable with Gil and Jhoare—who roared with laughter.
By instinct, I slipped silently into the shadows of the trees that lined the path before they’d seen me, sinking into the dark without a sound, heart pounding in my chest.
But, as the foursome passed, I couldn’t take my eyes from her.
She beamed, staring up at Gil, giggling in that childish way she had. And though there were dark circles under her eyes, and shadows still behind them, her smile was real.
She would heal.
She would be well.
And she could be happy.
—my heart has taken a body—a beautiful, desirable body—and now walks on its own, outside of my chest… She is beauty. And fierce joy. Bolstering strength. She is my delight—
I flinched, but made no sound. The four of them continued up the path, Bren shoving Jhoare who’d made some joke about sleeping with power, and my chest caved in.
Because Grace, despite the distraction, turned her head, her expression confused and uncertain. She scanned the trees where I was hidden, frowning.
I tensed. Had she seen me after all? Would she think I was spying? Determine that I hadn’t been honorable?
Luckily they’d already moved past me, and she followed, frowning as they disappeared around the corner from which I’d just emerged. Then they were gone.
I slumped back against a tree with relief, closing my eyes and making myself breathe.
Focus.
But, centering on my body only reminded me that I could sense her. Feel her in my chest. The tightness. The dark weight. All of it underlined with a glimmer of both fear and hope.
And I could feel her drawing away.
Sense her growing more distant with every step.
Something inside me twisted and another brick that shored up my heart, fell away.
A cold wind slipped behind the wall I’d built to protect myself. But with it, hope. Fresh air. Questions.
As instinctively as I’d slipped into the dark to hide from her, I bolted after her.