70. Impossible
SOUNDTRACK: Dancing with My Demons by LYRYXX
~ GRACE ~
Bren’s wedding day was beautiful. Sharing the days leading up to that precious event with her was a singular joy.
It was also the first time I’d been alongside a woman about to be married who never even mentioned her husband-to-be’s status, or wealth.
All Bren could talk about was being alone with Donavyn, wishing her mother could see it, and her excitement for the future.
She was living everything I’d ever hoped for, and at times, my chest pinched with envy. But I always pushed the uncharitable thought away.
I had no desire for Donavyn. The gruff general was a wonderful man, and I’d appreciated his help back in Fyrehold when we met. And loved watching his devotion to Bren. But Donavyn was not the man who set my heart thumping, or lit fire in my blood.
No, that peculiar sensation was reserved for one man.
One dark, lithe, handsome, enigmatic man that I was supposed to call brother.
The man who spent every day treating me as if he were merely my superior during training.
Yet, every night, when my body tensed and the nightmares consumed me, he was there.
He whispered reassurance. Held me with strength. Wiped my tears. Soothed my fear. And never touched me beyond comfort.
Each new morning I vowed the next night I would make it without crying. Then felt sick at the idea of losing him. The first time he appeared in my loft before I needed him, a tiny, tight thread of hope pierced my heart when I woke to find him already there.
Yet, we never spoke of it. Each morning he left as silently as he arrived, leaving me to wash and dress in privacy. And when we next met, others were always present. He was once again brother. Once again mentor. Once again, busy.
But the first morning I woke in his arms, having slept through the night without entering the dark in my mind, that thread of hope grew cold and twisted. Because, surely, he only came to comfort me in my pain? And if the pain passed, then I became yet another job well done?
I waited, tense and unable to sleep the following night—slumping with relief when his hand appeared at the top of the ladder, and moments later, he curled against my back and pulled me to his chest.
I caught myself wishing for a nightmare, if only to keep him coming. It was a stupid, foolish thing to wish for, and told myself such.
“To the happy couple!”
A cheer went up around me, and I blinked, jerked back to the present, the wedding, as a toast was presented, and everyone in the ballroom applauded, then took a drink.
A Vosgaardian wedding was quite different to a Fyrehold affaire—far less formal. Much shorter, though still beautiful. And now we were all to attend a reception and dance afterward.
Bren and Donavyn would fly off together this evening.
She was dressed in the most beautiful gown I’d ever seen.
My heart ached looking at it, my mind conjuring how it might be to walk down an aisle strung with flowers, to a man as tall, but trimmer, dressed in uniform, black hair falling into his eyes, his chin tilted down, and that suggestive half-smile pulling lines into his cheek—
“She’ll only be gone a few days, Grace. Don’t worry. We’ll take care of you.”
Gil’s cheeks were reddened. He’d already had three ales, and his voice was louder than usual as he tucked me under his arm and squeezed me close.
I gave a shaky laugh as Jhoare stepped up to my other side. “I know we don’t have Bren’s refinement, but we won’t let you be lonely,” he smirked.
I smiled up at both of them. I hadn’t asked Voski if he’d told them.
And they hadn’t mentioned anything. But he’d named both of them as men who could help me overcome the events of that dreadful night.
And ever since the first day, they’d drawn closer.
Their easy friendship was a balm. Particularly when Voski was distant.
If they knew what had happened, they’d remained discreet, and I was grateful for it. If they didn’t… well, I enjoyed them. Their funny camaraderie. Their incessant teasing, mainly of each other. And their strength.
I loved riding Koa alone, and growing in skill. But something cold and uneasy still rode the pit of my stomach every waking hour—and half the sleeping ones, as well. I was grateful that they’d taken an interest in me. It felt safer.
“Two brass coins says you’ll both make fools of yourselves tonight,” a low, dark voice muttered to my right.
I leaned past Gil to see Voski, standing on his other side, lifting a tumbler to his lips, watching Bren and Donavyn, who stood at the edge of the open floor at the front of the room, alongside the queen, while the rest of us watched on.
There was talk of music and dancing. I was thrilled. This, finally, was a place in which I could excel.
I was quite a good dancer.
And I quietly hoped Voski might ask.
I silently prayed that he would.
If only so I could feel those steel arms around me in daylight.
~ VOSKI ~
My skin felt too tight. I was starting to itch.
On one side of the room, Donavyn stared at Bren as if she were the Creator’s gift—which I supposed, he considered her to be.
The two of them had eyes for no one else, and his words about the bond, about a mate, about the feelings, wouldn’t leave me.
They circled my skull like a vulture over a carcass.
My heart has taken a body and now walks on its own, outside of my chest…
She is beauty, fierce joy, bolstering strength.
She is my delight.
My heart has taken a body…
For the dozenth time that day, I cursed and turned away from the happy couple, only to find myself drinking in the sight of Grace.
Beautiful, pink-cheeked, giggling Grace. With Gil on one side, and Jhoare on the other. The two of them had taken a particular interest in her since her assessment, and it threatened my limits.
Gil, with the flirtatious, knowing smirk.
Jhoare with that smile women always returned, and the fucking flexing he thought no one noticed.
I would have rolled my eyes, but whenever I caught sight of Grace’s sparkling gaze on either of them, I wanted to breathe fire.
I knew Gil was taunting me. Pressing. Making a point.
Jhoare just loved to flirt, and Grace made an easy target, who wouldn’t hold him to his words.
She took every advance as a joke. And every compliment the same.
And she let them touch her. Only simple gestures. Harmless affections. But still, it burned.
I cursed both Donavyn, and Kham, for planting ideas in my head. Making acceptance of the bond seem possible. Even right. Because now, the idea clawed at me.
Normally, as we walked through our days of training, meals, and patrols, I could bear to watch Grace be touched and smiled at by my brothers. I knew they’d never harm her. I could turn away. Ignore it, though it burned behind my ribs.
But today Grace was the Grace I’d seen in the castle at Fyrehold.
The lady. She wore a simple, but luxurious blue gown that made her eyes seem like even deeper pools.
Her hair was coiled high, and while the curls that tumbled down to brush her collarbones were not as refined as those she’d sported in Fyrehold, she was, without question, the most beautiful woman in the room.
All the men could see it. Whether they wanted her, or not.
They stared, and smiled, and teased.
There was a very real risk that I would punch someone soon.
I tore my gaze from her and returned it to the room, only to once again collide with the impenetrable happiness of Donavyn and Bren.
I actually groaned.
“Too many sweets?” Gil asked slyly.
I turned to retort at the same moment Jhoare leaned into Grace’s ear and pointed at something. The tendril of her hair fluttered from his breath, and the urge to plow a fist into his face was so overwhelming, I cursed and turned on my heel.
“Worse than that,” I said, uncaring if Gil decided to tell everyone I’d shit myself. I had to get out of here. I had to leave. If I tried to stay hours longer, I was going to hurt someone.
Probably Grace.
My brothers stared at me, stunned, as I marched for the door, boots clicking on the slate floor, heart thudding in my chest.
‘What’s happened?’ Kham interrupted me before I’d even left the hallway outside the ballroom.
‘Nothing, I just couldn’t stay in that room.’
‘I can feel your disquiet.’
‘I’ll be fine if I can just get some fucking silence and solitude.’
‘But, Grace—’
‘I know, Kham! I said, I’ll be fine. You stay with Koa, and watch over Grace here. I’ll walk out. I’ve eaten until I’m stuffed. Pick me up after the dinner hour. I’ll still sleep in the stable.’
Kham sighed. ‘Are you certain?’
‘Yes.’
Then I closed my mind to get some fucking peace.
~ GRACE ~
Voski stalked out of the room like he was offended. No farewell. No explanation. Just gone. He’d greeted me briefly at the wedding, and stared at times. But avoided me, then barely spoken all day.
It felt like my heart followed him out the door. And the dancing hadn’t even started.
The moment he was out of reach, that drumming began in my chest again. The ache. The longing.
I shouldn’t have drunk wine. I’d only had one glass, but I hadn’t eaten and there was no other explanation for the sudden thundering in my heart, the sheer desperation.
I tried to watch Bren and Donavyn. Tried to remain in my joy for them. But my eyes began to pinch, and my breath was too short and shallow.
I couldn’t stop thinking of Voski. And the pressure that had squeezed my heart since the moment Koa chose me, became a tug. And then, as panic fluttered in my lungs, like the draft horses that drew the heaviest carriages, it grew in a slow, inexorable pull.
I wanted to wail. Why did he always flee my presence in sunlight? Yet showed such tenderness and care in the dark?
Then I wanted to slap myself. The man had every right to want to be alone! He was probably sick of my presence. Sick of broken sleep, and having to offer soothing words to a weak trainee. Sick of sleeping in the uncomfortable, narrow bed.
He left specifically to escape me.
No doubt, when he stared at me, it was because he saw a child. A little sister whom he must watch over. And here, finally, he could leave me to the protection of others.
Dear God, why couldn’t I let him?
I tried. But that pulling in my chest grew, until it became insistent.
I was soon shifting on my feet, no longer able to focus on the banter between Gil and Jhoare.
No longer following the speeches. Unaware of how much I drank in an effort to soothe my heart and drown the frantic need, screaming at me to leave. To find him.
What was wrong with me?
Agitation rode my blood, and I stood on the balls of my feet, ready to flee. Aching to follow him. But I could imagine what he’d think. He’d been so patient lately, but surely it would be the last straw if I went darting after him, calling to him, not giving even a moment to himself—
“I need to visit the privy,” Gil commented, putting his glass down on the table.
“And me as well!” I said, overly brightly, striding for the door before Gil had even taken a step.
Behind me the music finally began, and the dancing with it.
But I was out the door and striding along the wide corridor, wondering what I would say when I found him, and why couldn’t I just let the poor man be?
My skin thrummed with something I could no longer deny. Perhaps it was time to make an advance? My cheeks heated at the mere thought, but my heart leaped.
‘Koa, what is wrong with me? Is this the wine? I only had one glass.’
Koa sent a rush of love through the cord that bound our hearts together. ‘Perhaps heat begins? It is the first sign.’
I spluttered a laugh, and stifled it quickly when one of the queen’s Guard, posted along the corridors, raised a brow at me.
‘I don’t have a heat, Koa,’ I sent. ‘But thank you for the laughter.’
‘Your heat comes as souls soften.’
I frowned and turned the corner, looking for the exit of the castle. ‘My brothers are very sweet, and their souls quite soft. But we are not—’
‘Not the brothers. Your mate.’ She sent an image of Voski and my cheeks went hot.
‘Yes, I appreciate him, Koa. But he isn’t my mate. He’s just Kham’s rider. I don’t understand why I want him. Unless it’s part of your bond? He’s given me no reason—’
‘What reason does the mate need?’ She sounded genuinely perplexed.
I tried to consider how I could show her in images, the difference between her bond with Kham, and how our human relationships worked.
When she struggled with words, images worked better.
She always seemed to come back to Voski, because he was Kham’s.
But I wasn’t sure I’d ever been able to clarify for her that my relationship with Voski was very different to hers with Kham. But then, she was back.
‘I have used wrong words. Human names, titles are different. Yet, Kham says you use ours. The mate,’ she said confidently. ‘Your heat for the mate grows. When denied so long, it will burn.’
I sighed. ‘Koa, Voski isn’t my mate. We don’t have what you and Kham have.’
She hesitated, confused again. ‘But you do? Only, you both resist. It slows the growth.’ She sent an image of a green shoot, pressing through the earth, but finding no sunlight.
I swallowed. God, that would be beautiful, wouldn’t it?
If only. I felt terrible, because for a moment, I was angry with her.
I didn’t want to have to explain this. I didn’t want to have to emphasize to her how Voski did not want me.
That we didn’t share their connection—especially when the mere thought sent my pulse thrumming in my skin again.
‘No, Koa,’ I sighed, lifting my skirts and picking up my pace as I ached to be outside and alone. I’d go to the stable and see her and explain it better when we were closer. ‘It’s just not like that for us.’
‘But it is, Grace.’
And then she showed me something I’d never seen before.
And the horror of what it could mean, of what it must mean, smacked me like a boulder bouncing down a hill.
I staggered to a halt right there in the corridor. ‘Koa, that… that cannot… it isn’t—’
‘Yes, it is.’ For the first time ever, she sounded frustrated with me. ‘I do not have words. But Kham says yes. Mate is correct. Voski is mate for you. And to resist is poison.’ She hesitated, as always, kind. And concerned about hurting me. But then she pressed. ‘Why do you resist, Grace?’