71. It Gets Deeper
SOUNDTRACK: Shallow by Tommee Profitt and Fleurie.
~ VOSKI ~
It wasn’t often I was glad for the walk to the solitude. But today, with my mind closed, and my heart thumping, moving was needed. If only my fucking blood would stop boiling in my veins, perhaps my skin would cease its smarting, and I might be able to rest.
But halfway into this walk, something had happened. My tension grew, rather than eased.
Normally, I would have reached for Kham, but he’d been so frustrated with me earlier, I couldn’t stomach another lecture.
Minutes later, drawing close to the solitude, I caught myself panting, and grew alarmed. I was beginning to sweat. I wiped my brow with my sleeve and scanned the forest around me. The air was cool. The sky was mostly gray, but with the high, light clouds that wouldn’t turn to rain.
My stomach churned, nerves bubbling into my chest until it felt like I walked the halls of my childhood home, waiting the fall of the proverbial guillotine.
What the hell was wrong with me?
I loosened the cravat at my throat and opened the top buttons of my formal shirt, brimming with agitated energy, my body twisted with torment, blood simmering. I hadn’t felt this way since Koa’s heat.
Shit. Shit, no.
Panicking, I started to run, praying I’d burn off the energy, but already my mind turned back to Grace. Back at the castle with all the men, resplendent in that gown, her hair tickling her neck.
The way their eyes followed her. The way she smiled and welcomed them.
The way she smiled at me.
And then Kham’s words, each falling with the thud of a drum.
A mate is a gift. A divine blessing. Only a fool would resist her.
My breath broke in my throat with the same tormented groan I’d suffered during Koa’s heat. I broke through the trees and into that clearing, so close to the treehouse. My solitude. My sanctuary.
My… my… mate.
Mine.
No.
I yanked at the cravat as I strode across the clearing, but I only succeeded in tightening the knot. I cursed and brought both hands up to fiddle with it.
If I could get it off, I’d wash in the creek. Its chill would soothe the burn in my skin and douse the fire.
Tend the flame.
Shit.
I picked up my pace and started praying as my body pressed. Drove me forward. Demanded her.
“Please,” I prayed.
I couldn’t do this. Not now. Not when she was so vulnerable. Not when I was so shaky.
My heart has taken a body and now walks on its own, outside of my chest…
She is beauty, fierce joy, bolstering strength.
She is my delight.
Nausea surged in my stomach, and I truly thought I might lose my sanity. Tossing my pride aside as surely as I would a dirty shit, I opened my mind and reached for Kham.
‘Kham? Kham, what’s—’
I grunted, and flinched, my chest slammed like it had been punched. My heart flipping and pounding, threatening to tear itself from my chest.
‘Voski, Grace is coming.’
My eyes widened. ‘What? What did you—’
I turned to face him, instinctively reaching out, stretching, searching—and instead finding her.
Another blow to my heart that stole my breath. She was near. She was here.
‘How? How did she find me?’
Before he could answer, movement between the trees caught my gaze.
I stood there, half-hunched against the pain in my chest, watching as a small, golden, furious woman appeared, dressed in leathers, though the jacket was unbuttoned to reveal the white linen shirt underneath and she had that cloak thrown over her shoulders.
The moment our eyes locked, hers narrowed and bile rose in my throat.
‘Kham? Kham, what’s happened?’
But he didn’t answer.
“Grace,” I croaked as she reached me. “What’s wrong? What are you doing here?”
Her lips peeled back from her teeth and her hand shot out.
The crack of her palm on my cheek echoed over the trees, and startled a pair of birds over our heads. A second too late, I flinched, then grabbed for my cheek and straightened, gaping.
“You didn’t tell me. Why didn’t you tell me?!” she hissed.
“I… what—what are you—”
“You said I could trust you!”
My heart flipped. “You can!”
“You said you’d tell me the truth—you told me to listen!”
“I do! You should!”
Her hands balled up at her sides and she screwed her eyes shut as she screamed. “You said you would help!”
“Grace, I am! Aren’t I? What happened—”
“Why do you deny me? What did I ever do? Why did you leave me ignorant? Why didn’t you tell me we were mates?”
My jaw dropped.
She opened her eyes, and there were tears there—which pierced my heart as surely as any arrow.
“Grace,” I breathed.
“No. No! Don’t pity me. Don’t be sorry for me. Answer my question!”
“I…”
“I followed you. I admired you. I wanted you! And you made me feel stupid! Like a child! You despised me from the moment we met.”
“I never despised—”
“I thought I was crazy! I thought there was something wrong with me!”
Oh, God. I slumped. “Grace, there is nothing wrong with you.”
Her mouth fell open. “Nothing wrong? Nothing wrong?”
“No,” I said firmly, clawing a hand through my hair. “My problems are my problems. They have nothing to do with you.”
“You think I’m an idiot? We are mates. If there was nothing wrong with me, you’d have no reason to hide that!”
“What? No! I’m saying—”
“You’ve treated me like the enemy. You’ve cast doubt on my loyalty. You’ve made me feel so small!”
Regret and shame roiled within me. “I’m sorry.”
“Then tell me the truth!”
“I have.”
“No, you haven’t!” she hissed. “You never told me that the dragon bond was a part of us. I thought my desire for you came from Koa’s for Kham. You never told me we were tied together. You never told me I was your mate.” Her voice cracked and I wanted to weep. “Why? Why?”
I swallowed nausea, clenching my hands so I wouldn’t reach for her. “I thought if I denied the bond it would fade away. I thought if we never completed it, it wouldn’t affect us.”
“Why? What is it about me that is so abhorrent that you cannot stomach the idea of me? Why don’t you want me?!”
The words speared through me, igniting the fire that had been burning behind my navel since the moment I’d discovered her following me. There was a fierce struggle in my will—a battle of anger and grief.
Anger won. Anger always won when it came to her.
“Don’t want you?” I rasped. “Don’t want you?!” I cursed colorfully, but she didn’t even flinch as I stood over her, snarling. “Are you fucking joking?!”