Chapter 8
8
Sienna
I sat at the small table in the break room, still sort of shaking while trying to eat my packed lunch. At least I was able to freak out in private. Sam was helping Doctor Beshcroft in the surgery suite and Lisa and the other associate vet, Doctor Melbern, were waiting for some test results. They’d given me weird looks in passing but fortunately everyone got busy, so my mental crisis wasn’t important. I was just the girl who answered the phones, did the computer stuff, and ordered supplies for the last three years. We were all friendly, but we weren’t pals.
The good part was if I absolutely lost my mind, the stacks of paper towels and boxes of sterile surgery drapes surrounding me would block out my internal hysterics. I tore open the Ziplock bag and stared at my sandwich.
Asher Hayes.
It didn’t fully register with me at first when he’d said his name, but now… it felt like every nerve in my body was in shock. This. Was. IMPOSSIBLE! How…?
It was his eyes… the closer I’d looked, the more it all clicked. He was right. That pull between us I’d been feeling wasn’t just from the moment he carried me out of danger. Or from me clinging onto a stranger rescuing me from nearly getting blown up.
I recognized those eyes—the distinct color that reminded me of the honeycomb of the bee’s nest we’d studied in grade school. A golden brown, with flecks of dark brown and black with tiny lightning rays of spun silver. My heart went into overdrive. It was like a thousand tiny balls rolling down a rail as my mind made all the connections.
It had been years ago. The girl hired to babysit me. Her boyfriend who lived right next door to my house, her boyfriend’s brother who he’d often been fighting with, drama about motorcycles.
Asher Hayes.
Arizona.
My mind felt as if it might burst. This was bad. Bad. Bad. Bad.
I didn’t know if it was all an act with him not knowing me or intentional. I was so young back then, and if my memories served me correctly, he was about ten or eleven years older than me.
I’ve also changed. I don’t look the same anymore. My hair is different—all part of my disguise that apparently was working. Two weeks ago, he was my knight in shining armor, and today... Asher Hayes is a tie to my past. One I hoped would stay just that—my past.
I did the math in my head. It's been seventeen, eighteen, no nineteen years since I’d seen Asher. Gone was the innocent seven-year-old girl who lived next door to the handsome, skinny eighteen-year-old boy in love with my babysitter, Jillian. In his place stood a man. A breathtakingly handsome, well-built man.
His face was fuller now, but those kind eyes remained, only now they were tucked away behind distrust and curiosity. I hadn’t recognized it at first, but now, with the name and the face, it was my past coming back to haunt me.
Nineteen years ago …
I ran to the door when I heard the bell ring. I slid the curtain aside to see who it was. My heart sang when I saw him.
I flung the door open. “Hey Asher Basher!”
He looked so sad. “Hey, Berry. Is Jillian here?”
I brushed the red bump on my neck.
My babysitter placed her hand on my shoulder and gave it a squeeze. “It’s okay, Syla. Go back and watch TV.”
My fingers drifted across the plaster wall as I reluctantly walked away. Bash was my friend too. When I turned around to get one last look at him, I saw he was crying. His face was red, the same way mine looked when I would bawl my eyes out.
Jillian pulled him into her arms and held him, and I remember feeling sad for him when I left the room. Asher had been to my house several times before, only Jillian thought I had been asleep when she’d let him in. I never told anyone about what I’d seen them do when they thought they were alone. Tonight, though, I hadn’t gone to my room. I laid in front of the television and tuned out what was playing so I could overhear what they were saying on the couch behind me.
“She’s dying,” Asher told Jillian. “She has a brain tumor, and they didn’t catch it in time. It’s spread so fast that Mom told Dad she had only months to live. They can’t operate ’cause it’ll kill her.”
Jillian wrapped her arms tighter around Asher and held him as he cried more. “It’s going to be okay. I’m here for you.”
“It’s not,” Asher snapped. “You know how my dad favors Liam over me. He’s never home and if he saw me crying now, he’d cuff me in the head and say ‘soldiers don’t cry.’ Once she’s gone, I’ll have nobody. He’ll make this out to be my fault somehow; I just know it.”
I felt sorry for Asher that day. The child in me couldn’t have imagined what it would be like to lose a parent.
I took another bite of my sandwich. So naive, I thought to myself. It was about twelve years later when my own mother passed after a long illness, so I got to experience that same excruciating heartbreak firsthand.
Cold liquid splashed out of the can as I raised it to my lips. I hadn’t realized my hands were trembling until then. How did Asher end up here in Nashville? The question repeated in my mind as I finished my lunch. No matter how many deep breaths I took, my heart thumped faster and faster. Everything was too coincidental. What felt like yesterday. Today. My past. My present. It was all running together.
With every breath I took, it got harder and harder for my lungs to expand. I could no longer slow my mind enough to clear it. I only had twenty minutes left to pull myself back together before my lunch break was over. I decided to call Candace. The phone rang several times, and she picked up just when I thought it would go to voicemail.
“You don’t normally call during work hours. Everything alright?”
“No. Far from it. I’m freaking out, Candace. I can’t… Sorry, I don’t mean to bother you, I just need… I need to control my thoughts before I lose my shit,” I whispered into the phone.
“Okay. Okay.” Candace’s calm voice echoed in my ear. “Tell me what’s wrong. I promise it will be alright.”
“You don’t know that,” I snapped, then slapped my hand over my mouth and took a few breaths before quietly continuing. “I’m sorry. I’m just going out of my mind. Remember the fireman I told you about that carried me to the ambulance? He was here today, Candace. He. Was. Here . He brought his dog in. I remember him, Candace. And I think he remembers me too.”
“Explain yourself,” she ordered.
I quickly told her about my childhood in Arizona and how Asher grew up next door to me and was my babysitter’s boyfriend. How he had a twin who ended up being part of a motorcycle club that I knew was a rival club to Diesel’s. “This is all a setup, right? It has to be, and with Diesel’s release in a few months, it would all make sense. They’re looking for me.”
“Calm down, Sienna. Firemen in Nashville aren’t motorcycle club members. They’re just firemen. And it’s been years, and no one has bothered you. You said he asked if the two of you have met before. Maybe he’s not the same guy you knew back home. He could be someone completely different. Maybe there is more than one guy on the planet with that same name.”
I strongly disagreed. My head shaking so hard was giving me a headache. “It’s him. I know it.”
“Okay, then maybe he’s truly not aware of who you are. He’s changed, and so have you. You guys are a lot older now. He may have an inkling, but he doesn’t have any solid evidence to confirm his suspicions. My suggestion is to talk to him if he comes back later to get his dog. See what he knows and what he thinks he knows.”
“I can’t do that. I’ll be outing myself.”
“You’re not outing yourself. Try being friendly and get to know this Asher guy. Men are simple creatures; they’re not all diabolical. He thinks he knows you and is looking for confirmation. Give him a plausible reason if that makes you more comfortable. Maybe you’ve run into him at the grocery store or something. Once you’ve removed the question, he’ll settle down and move on.”
By the time I finished my call, my heart had slowed to a manageable pace. I was strong; I’d been through worse. Speaking with Asher Hayes was something I could do.
Three o’clock on the dot, the front door to the practice opened. The moment Asher stepped foot inside, his gaze landed right on me. My heart tripped in my chest.
I tried to contain myself; after all, he was just here to pick up his dog. Too bad my silly pulse didn’t know the difference, rushing hard through my veins. It was the same reaction he used to inflict on me every time he stepped foot in my old house, only now I was appreciating him in so many new ways.
I took a moment to absorb everything new about him. He was over six feet of solid, walking muscle. His light brown hair was trimmed at the sides but messy on top. A light beard framed his strong jawline. He’d shed the blue hoodie he’d worn earlier this morning and now was in a black tank that stretched across his chiseled body.
His upper arms were tattooed with tribal designs, connecting to the swirled letters that were inked across his chest. And those jeans… I was transfixed.
“Hi, me again.” He smiled, but it wasn’t as open and friendly as it was this morning. He was all business now. “I got a call saying Oscar was ready for pick up.”
Asher avoided me, like I’d wronged him somehow. I could see the wheels turning in his head again as he tugged at his pocket for his wallet.
It was now or never. “I think I’ve seen your dog at the local dog park. Maybe that’s where we’ve met.”
He spared me a quick glance. “What?”
“Earlier, you said you thought we knew each other. Maybe it’s from the dog park.”
“Oh”—his eyes squinted—“I don’t think so. He’s never been there. And Oscar’s not my dog. He belongs to fire station.” He thumbed through his wallet. “We adopted him from the lady that lives across the street.”
I slipped the credit card from his hand and pulled up the account on the computer. Of course, he didn’t remember me. Why would he? I was just the bratty kid next door—long forgotten. Nothing more. That secret crush I’d had on him, dreaming about him being my boyfriend instead of Jillian’s, was nothing more than a childhood fantasy. He’d left for the Army soon after graduation. I remember because Jillian had cried for weeks over it. And now he was busy rescuing grown women too frozen by fear and her own shadow to be bothered with the likes of someone like me.
Diesel was right. He’d ruined me for all other men.
I hated how easily I was forgotten. How I’d let someone like Diesel twist me up so much I could barely allow myself to feel attraction to someone else. Or to think I may be attractive to another man.
Someone like Asher didn’t need to hit a woman to feel like a man. Heck, he ran into an explosion to get me, for goodness’ sake.
I ran his card through the machine, waiting for it all to register in the computer system.
And that girl that came in with him earlier… was that his girlfriend or his daughter? Or his girlfriend’s daughter? All signs pointed to him having a happy life a million miles away from Arizona with someone other than the likes of me in it. I’d spent the last five years looking over my shoulder every twelve seconds. Flinching at every sound. Crumbling instead of dealing with the shit that my choices had brought me.
Asher was no longer chatty. I could have been just another poster on the wall for the way he was avoiding me. Syla—the dead girl, who blended into the background of life.
I pushed away from the desk and went to the printer to get his paper receipt that he needed to sign. My earlier freak out on the phone with Candace made me feel foolish. I no longer had to worry about him leaving me alone. I made that happen all on my own. I handed a pen to him. “Let me tell the technician that you’re here for Oscar.”
“Sienna, wait.”
Asher leaned on the tall counter, quickly glancing around before motioning for me to come back.
I stepped back to the desk. Waiting. Waiting for him to say something. Anything beyond him crinkling his eyes at me.
“Something’s not right. What happened at the festival… I thought you worked for the florist.”
I shook my head. “No. My friend Candace owns it. I was just helping her.”
Asher nodded as if the pieces were fitting together for him, but the words to convey it were having trouble coming out.
“What you went through—that day—I just want you to know I understand it. If you ever want to talk about it…” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I know people don’t often want to talk about the bad parts. I know I don’t… I don’t talk about it, but I know it’s not good to hold it in. Anyway, I just wanted to offer”—he motioned between us—“if you need someone to talk to, I’m here, okay? That explosion was pretty major.”
The deafening memories of that day seemed to lessen by just standing here with him. I hadn’t given much thought to how people like him—or Asher specifically—dealt with picking up the shattered pieces of other people’s lives.
That must be huge to carry. How much of it did he shoulder? After all he’d been through, standing here before a girl he didn’t remember, asking her if she needed help? I wanted to cry.
“Thank you, Asher. That’s so sweet.”
His eyes narrowed on me. I dropped my hand from my neck.
A loud bark echoed out behind me, making me flinch. Sam was being drug around the corner by Oscar, who was scraping the walls trying to walk with that big, plastic cone around his neck.
Sam took over, reviewing the instructions of “Do’s and Don’ts” for aftercare, discussing how long Oscar had to wear the cone so he didn’t lick at his sutures… all of that.
Oscar wanted out. He practically drug Asher to the door. Asher was so patient with the dog, talking to him calmly like the two of them were best friends. Telling Oscar that some woman named Skye had steak for him.
It made me smile while another part of me died. He’d offered to counsel me—nothing more. I was still a victim, and life was making sure I hadn’t forgotten it. I put on my brave face, waving goodbye to a ghost of my past as it headed to the door.
Maybe this was just another life lesson. Then why did it feel so soul crushing?
I couldn’t bear to watch him go. A million memories warred with these new feelings—feelings I couldn’t allow to continue. I still had a job to do, even though it would soon be coming to an end. I’d gotten too comfortable.
“Sienna.” Asher bit at his bottom lip as he wrangled Oscar back to the counter. “I wanted to ask you. We’re having a firemen’s picnic on Saturday in Elmwood Park. It’s the park right next to the station. It’s like a family barbecue actually, but it’s also for friends and anyone who helps out. Anyway, I know we don’t really know each other but I wanted to ask you if you’d like to come?”
He was right. We really didn’t know each other. Not anymore. His question still took me by surprise. Family barbecue? Open park. Lot’s of people… But then visions of me wandering in there like a completely clueless fool, only to be introduced to his family, crept in. “Honey, this is the girl I rescued the other day. Isn’t she naive?” For all I knew, maybe he'd gotten back with Jillian after all these years, and they were living here now.
“I don’t know…”
Asher held up his hand. “I know you don’t know the crew, but it’ll be fun. Great food. Music. A vicious game of volleyball with the gang. That is if you’re not doing anything.”
I scanned his hand, looking for signs. He was in his mid-thirty’s by now. Surely, he wasn’t single. “Gang?” The word sent a shiver through me.
“Yeah, our crew. All the people that work at the station house, wives, kids. And Oscar, of course. Plus, a few of the local neighbors around the station who help out with events and stuff. We do this a couple of times a year.”
“Won’t your wife have issues with that?”
The smile that curled his lips was downright wicked. “I’m not married. And before you wonder, I’m single. I wanted to ask you out on a date this morning, but I got the feeling you weren’t interested. That is if you’re not already seeing someone. Or married. Geez, sorry. You’re probably married.”
Interested? I wanted to laugh. “No. I was just in shock. I mean, from seeing you again.”
His gaze froze me in place. “I know the feeling.”
My heart did a complete somersault, taking most of my air and rational thought with it.
“So, are you married?” He actually looked hopeful. Asher Hayes, looking at me all hopeful? My knees felt like they were going to give away; drop me to the ground like a sack of potatoes. I wished I had my camera.
I shook my head no while putting my hands on display.
He smiled wider. “What do you say? Saturday? Barbecue? No strings. I promise.”
I couldn’t take my eyes off his. They looked so sincere, as if he was truly seeing me, anticipating something more than just checking to see if I was okay. He’d only offered to talk about my trauma. Was I still a victim in his mind?
“I’m okay. I know the thing at the mall was a lot, but I’m really okay.” I didn’t need his pity. “You don’t have to do that.”
“Do what?” He stepped closer. “Ask a girl I’m interested in if she wants to come spend some time with me?”
Was I hearing things? Asher Hayes, interested in me ?
I heard Candace’s voice in my head: This is your opportunity. Say yes, dummy. Ask questions and get some answers . Could I control my anxiety enough to be around a lot of people? The last barbecue I attended was at the Double Dagger’s clubhouse. Half-naked, skanky women, bikes doing burnouts. Beer, whiskey, and drugs everywhere. Diesel disappearing on me, only finding him coming out of the back storage room fixing his jeans while that bitch Tammy stumbled behind him.
Surely, this would be completely different. Stop overthinking this and just say yes. “If I come, would you mind if a brought a friend?”
Asher’s smile fell. “Yeah, of course. The more, the merrier.” He scribbled his name on our copy of his receipt and set the pen down. He shoved back from the counter and fussed with the dog leash in his hand. “Okay, I’ll see ya. Have a good day.”
Maybe I could do this. Candace would be my strength. “Asher? My friend, Candace, and I will see you Saturday.”
Asher stopped at the door, hand on the knob. His head dropped briefly before he looked back at me. That dazzling smile was back. So was that sparkle in those amazing, honeycomb eyes. “Noon. Don’t be late. I’ll be waiting for you.”
As I watched him leave with Oscar, a new feeling came over me—something I hadn’t allowed myself to feel for a long time: hope.