Chapter 12
12
Sienna
The eighteen-year-old version of Asher had been sweet, but the older version of this man was amazing, and we hadn’t even gotten to the restaurant yet.
The air between us crackled with electricity, as if every look and smile held a million different meanings. Asher didn’t need words; those eyes said a lot. It had been a long time since I’d felt anything this close to being the object of someone’s desires.
Asher didn’t hide it. And when he held out his hand, helping me down from his truck, I felt it too.
I hated the thoughts that slithered through the good—those memories of how Diesel had treated me. I’d learned quickly not to expect anything good after a while. At first, he had treated me great, paying attention to me. Giving me wild times and orgasms. I felt crazy and free.
But as soon as I had moved into his house, things changed. He started coming home drunk, or high, or a lot of both, and slowly turned all that good into ugly darkness. I wanted to believe Asher wasn’t like any of that. He had friends who loved him. That was easy to see. Good people who teased him while keeping an eye on him to make sure he was happy.
Diesel’s friends weren’t friends . They called it “brotherhood,” but it was nothing more than acquaintances who either needed something or used you. Most feared him. Asher’s friends didn’t live under those terms—they were friends because that’s what good people do. They care from the heart.
Problem was I didn’t quite know how to handle it all. I’d gotten accustomed to low expectations and an angry response, which had turned me into a quivering mess. It’s amazing how easily someone can take all the joy in you and twist it in their fist, until you feel nearly dead inside.
I hadn’t realized I’d been there, drowning in that existence, until Asher held my hand as we walked down the sidewalk and into the Stratus Hotel, which was smack dab in the heart of the city. Surely, he wasn’t just taking me to some room he’d booked.
“Um, Ash?”
Asher just kept walking, leading us through the lobby, never letting go of my hand.
We turned the corner and stopped at the elevators. He pressed the button and then gave my hand a reassuring squeeze. “Restaurant is on the rooftop.”
“Fancy,” I whispered.
It was difficult to ignore our reflection in the shiny, gold door while we waited. I hadn’t had a clear picture in my mind of what we’d look like together until now. When I closed my eyes at night, I tried to see it, to imagine it, but the poison I’d been infected with had been too strong. The person I’d tried to ignore in my mirror had been the side of me that Diesel had created. The stupid girl. The dumb girl. The bitch. The whore.
I hadn’t been any of those things until he’d told me I was. Screamed it in my face. After a while, I believed him.
But now a new picture was taking hold. I didn’t want to look because if I stared too long, I was afraid I would wake up and realize this was all just a silly dream.
Asher tugged me in front of him when the elevator doors opened so the people inside wouldn’t bump into me. His hands slid to my waist, searing their mark right through my dress. The heat of his chest pressed into my spine. Solid. An anchor in the unknown. I wanted to rest upon his strength. Fall into all the possibilities while he whispered his darkest desires from those soft lips.
He let me step inside first, which caught me a little off guard. Taking the lead was never something I was allowed to do.
Once inside, he wrapped his warm hand around mine again and leaned down to whisper, “You look amazing.”
His words tickled my ear and sent shivers down my spine.
The restaurant was simply breathtaking—a far cry from my waitressing days at the Waffle House. I wished I had my camera with me. The hostess led us past a long bar and through a wall of glass to the outside patio, to a table for four near the edge of the roof. The entire outdoor area was encased in a clear, glass railing, making the view unobstructed.
I took a moment to catch my breath because the lights and action of downtown Nashville overwhelmed me. I’d never seen the city from this angle.
“Amazing, isn’t it?” Asher said beside me.
The sun was just beginning to set, covering everything in a golden kiss of light and shadow. “It’s beyond amazing.”
It played a strong second to seeing his smile. That look on his face took even more of my breath away.
He held a chair out for me, but a twinge of panic froze me in place. “I need to sit over there.” I pointed to the chair opposite of the one in his hands.
Asher froze too, warring with my choice, it seemed. I guess neither of us liked our back facing the unknown.
“I tell ya what,” he started, pulling out the chair on the side. “How about we sit this way so we can both see what’s coming. That okay with you?”
I felt silly. “I’m sorry. I just don’t like people sneaking up on me.”
“Neither do I.” He gave me an encouraging nod to sit down and then helped me sit closer to the table. Diesel had never done that for me— any of this for me.
The hostess set two menus down, giving us a minute to decide. And then I saw the prices. My nerves made it hard to swallow. If he was expecting me to split the tab, I was in a little trouble. After dealing with some unexpected car repairs and buying a new microwave, extra cash was a little tight.
I’d spent part of my “Rainy Day” fund on this dress. Candace had gone shopping with me because I didn’t own a lot of dressy clothes. I’d packed up what I could carry out of Diesel’s house, and that wasn’t much. A few pair of jeans and T-shirts.
Everything else I had was from the Thrift Store. Candace had stated unequivocally that I needed to wear something pretty that wasn’t pre-owned. I hadn’t agreed but I followed her decree, and we went on a hunt for my date dress. It had been a small struggle, but I didn’t want her to pay for it, even though she’d offered until she was blue in the face.
I’d caved in when she had insisted on buying me these shoes. I didn’t want them—and certainly not shoes from the mall . I couldn’t see spending the money on them since I’d only wear them once. But Candace had won that battle, stating that I deserved them as she whipped out her bank card.
I didn’t deserve anything, especially since she’d been so kind all these years, pulling me out of the mess my life had become. She even helped me find a doctor when the scar tissue in my shoulder had turned into a problem.
That’s why I’d spent the entire evening yesterday weeding her garden beds and all of the landscaping.
Our waitress introduced herself and then ran through the short list of dinner specials. I was only looking at the appetizers, which were the least expensive things on the menu but still alarming. Even a salad cost more than I made working an hour at my job.
Asher was scanning the wine menu. “Sienna, what do you want to drink? They have sangria.”
Sangria was expensive; even the salad was expensive. “I’ll have a water please. Thank you.”
Asher ordered a beer and then sat there, staring at me. “Have you decided? I’m feeling the surf and turf.”
They had chips and salsa for fifteen dollars. I knew he’d picked this place, but what if he was regretting it? I mean this date was going to cost a lot. A family of four could have eaten at the Waffle House for what one platter cost here. There was a reason I didn’t do fancy; fancy was out of my price range.
“Sienna?”
I shook my head. “I don’t know. I’m not that hungry.” The urge to get back on the elevator was making my legs twitch. It was only maybe sixty feet away.
“Hey, look at me.” As soon as I did, he said, “What’s wrong?”
I shrugged, trying to find the words. “Fancy is really expensive, Asher. I’m feeling a little uncomfortable.”
He took a minute to soak in my reply, tilting his head as if I was some sort of crazy person sitting across from him. I didn’t know his financial situation, and I sure as hell wasn’t going to ask, but I knew I couldn’t afford this. Any of it. Not even this dumb dress.
He leaned closer. “I don’t want you to feel that way. I just wanted to make this special. Order whatever you want, okay?”
I relaxed a bit, daring another look at the right side of the menu. Asher probably thought I was being weird. He probably never had to go hungry, digging in the garbage to survive. That was a time in my life I never wanted to revisit, but it was also something that was hard to forget. When you don’t even have a nickel in your pocket, on the verge of starvation, your morals sink to new levels. I’d thought of calling my dad for help back then, but then he’d know how badly I’d allowed myself to deteriorate and sending money would leave a paper trail.
I couldn’t risk Diesel finding me. Maybe I was just another bitch in his rearview mirror, long forgotten, and all this paranoia was just in my head. I hadn’t been memorable to him when we were sharing a bed, so why would he even cast me a second thought now?
Asher looked so damn good in his nice blue dress shirt and black pants. The color matched the tiny cornflower print on my dress. He’d trimmed his beard and even got a haircut for this date. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d dressed up. I’d worn a black dress for my mom’s funeral. That was probably the last time I’d even worn nice shoes.
The waitress came back, looking all eager to get our orders. I knew the feeling all too well. Waitressing sucked.
“Sienna?”
I still couldn’t pick. The chicken was the cheapest entree, but it came with a lemon sauce that would be problematic later. Even the mashed potatoes were extra. I searched the appetizers again.
“How about the lobster rolls?” he asked, waiting. “Sound good?”
Maybe I could share that with him. My brain kept circling the price. I could eat for three days on what they cost. Would there be an additional price to pay for this kindness? Visions of a tattooed hand squeezing my neck while the former jerk had taken his payment blurred the menu. I rubbed over the memory.
A small sigh came out of him. “We’ll start with the lobster rolls. And then we’ll have two of the steak and lobster specials, and can you bring her a glass of sangria?”
My eyes slid closed. Surely, he’d never call me again after forking out this kind of money to feed the idiot he took a chance on. Asher had grown up next door to my parents’ house. We both didn’t come from any substantial money, though our parents tried to make the best lives for us.
I told her how I’d like mine cooked and handed my menu to her, feeling silly. She probably thought I was a waste of space being with someone as gorgeous at Asher.
“I don’t know if I can eat that much,” I whispered to him.
He leaned up on the table. “When I was in Ranger School, they used to basically starve us, so now, I don’t deny myself any opportunity to eat well.”
His statement shocked me. “You were starved too?”
His eyes narrowed on me. And then just as quickly, he took another swig of his beer and continued, “It wasn’t a fun time, that’s for sure. I remember the day when mail had come. Guys were getting packages from their families full of junk food. Chips. Cookies. Those cream-filled cupcake things. We’d been there for about five or six weeks in this constant, endless, sleep-deprived haze, which was a hell of a lot worse than the starvation they’d put us through. But when you go without eating for a few days, an MRE in the dirt sounds delicious.”
Did he know about me? My hands felt clammy. “What’s an MRE?”
“It’s a meal ready-to-eat. It’s like a complete meal in a box that you can eat when you’re in theater on deployment.”
I kind of wished I would’ve had a few of those emergency meals stashed in my car when I fled Arizona. “They starved you?” I asked again. I was no stranger to that hollow feeling, picturing him with me behind the Dollar Store, searching for stale bread.
“Oh yeah.” He nodded. “I lost like twenty-two pounds. Even my boots felt too big after a while. Eating was a luxury sometimes. But I remember the time the guy I’d done my buddy run with, J.T., his mom had sent a box, and I mean box of food.” He held his hands wide. “We just absolutely gorged ourselves. Chocolate. Doritos. Like we were sick on sugar and carbs to the point that I passed out.”
It all sounded awful and fascinating. I’d wondered what had happened to him back then, back when Jillian had been in a constant state of sadness.
“And then our R.I. confiscated everything and smoked us. We had to do a twenty-mile run with full packs. It was horrible.”
“Smoked you?” I didn’t understand.
“Yeah, sorry. It’s just what we called the torture. Our ranger instructors would run us to the point beyond absolute exhaustion.”
The waitress came back with a huge glass of sangria for me and a full basket of bread. Asher dug right in, making a meal out of a fluffy roll. His life probably burned a lot of calories to be in the fantastic shape he was in.
I took a sip and then another, feeling my nerves uncurl a bit more. He told me more stories of how they were soaking wet and exhausted and had to rappel down a mountain. His life had been full of adventure.
“The only time I’d been that adventurous was when we hiked up at the Seven Sacred Pools.”
Asher froze mid chew. “You’ve been to the Seven Sacred Pools?”
I took another big swallow of sangria, forgetting to watch my words. I’d been so careful and here I was, opening my big mouth. “You’ve heard of it?”
“Yeah. I know it well. It’s in Sedona.” Asher smiled. “I grew up near there. It’s a popular place.” He took a swig of beer. “I can’t believe you were so close. Small world.”
I searched my brain, quickly covering my gaff. “My best friend Kelly went to Arizona State after graduation. We took a weekend to just go have fun.” It wasn’t a lie. Kelly did go off to college while I stayed home to care for my mom as the life slowly slipped out of her. Kelly, Alexis, and I had gone on a quick hiking trip with a few boys after we all graduated.
I stuffed a piece of dinner roll in my mouth. If he only knew how close we’d been, he’d probably shove off the table and head for that elevator that was still looking quite tempting.
Fortunately, our dinner showed up. Asher got right into cutting his steak. I wasn’t sure how to handle the piece of lobster. It wasn’t something we ate a lot growing up, and Diesel wouldn’t know what a lobster was if it bit him in the ass. So, I watched Asher, mimicking how he was taking it out of the shell. It tasted divine, especially dipped in the hot butter cup above the tiny candle stand she’d set in front of me. I caught a drip of butter off my chin, hoping he didn’t see me eating like a slob.
Unfortunately, Asher didn’t miss it. His eyes narrowed, while something resembling irritation and hunger flashed over his face. I wiped my chin with the fabric napkin. “Sorry.” I hoped he wouldn’t get mad by me embarrassing him like that.
Asher shook it off. “It’s good, right?” He took another bite, smiling to himself. “So, what do you do for fun?” he asked. “I know you work at the vet’s office and you’re a brilliant photographer.” He cut into his steak. “What else are you into?”
I shoved a big piece of meat in my mouth, using it as an excuse because I really didn’t have much of an answer. Candace’s basement was safe. I went to work, and then I went home. I searched my mind because just telling him I liked finding moments to photograph didn’t seem enough. Asher had a life. He had friends. What did I have?
I squeezed the steak knife in my hand as the last four years passed through my mind. The people I worked with at the veterinary office were great people, but everyone had their own lives to attend to at the end of the day. That was fine by me. Friendships could end up being liabilities, like Freddie. Casualties from just knowing me. I worried hard that first year… worried that loud motorcycles would pull into Candace’s driveway.
It all sounded silly now, but until you’ve been shot by a crazed biker, the paranoia becomes all too real.
“I like art,” I admitted. Candace had dragged me to a few of the Paint and Sips at the church a few blocks over from our house. “I’m teaching myself portrait photo editing. I love popcorn and old 80’s movies. And I like hot yoga.”
His fork hung in the air, midway to his mouth. “Hot yoga?”
I nodded. “Don’t knock it till you try it.”
“Babe, I don’t even know what that is.”
We both stared at each other before he started chewing again, not waiting to see if I had an issue with him calling me “babe.”
I cut another piece of the lobster, recalling one of Diesel’s guys calling every girl by that name. Bones had made a joke about it, saying he never had to worry about some bitch getting mad when he called her by someone else’s name. Calling them all “babe” kept him out of trouble.
“So what is it?” Asher asked.
I didn’t even remember the question.
“Hot yoga. What is that? And don’t leave out any details.”
I shook off the bad memories. “It’s basically yoga, but the room is kept really warm so you sweat more.”
Asher nodded. “Like a hot box with stretching.” And then his eyes got all broody and thoughtful.
Was that an innuendo? Everything about him was a question with no answers. Asher Hayes existed in a completely different world from the world I lived in. He didn’t exist in fear or lies. And here I was, fucking that beautiful picture up, stacking lies with every word out of my mouth. He didn’t deserve that.
After the table had been cleared, I said “no” to dessert. I dug in my purse. The least I could do was leave a tip. I knew all too well how I’d once depended on the generosity of strangers.
He took the bill, glanced at the tab, and slipped his card inside the holder. I tried to do the accounting in my head, adding and multiplying. “Is forty, forty-one, forty-two enough for a tip?” I was hoping, as it was all the cash I had on me besides a few pieces of change.
She brought the bill back with the copy he had to sign. Asher wrote numbers on the lines, scribbled his name, slipped his card back into his wallet, and nudged the folder away. Then he stared at me, and he smiled, taking my breath away. “You know your lips move when you do math?” He leaned closer. “It’s adorable.”
He stood and offered his hand.
There was music playing from somewhere down on the street as well as from the other side of the huge rooftop. I just wanted one more chance to see the view from here. We walked to the far corner of the restaurant patio. The sun had set while we’d eaten, so everything below was glowing with the life of downtown Nashville. Tourists and cars, and people dancing down the sidewalks. I ached to touch it, as if it was a painting come to life.
The evening summer breeze had a bit of a chill to it, but I was grateful. It reminded me that I was still alive. And then that burn came back into my chest—that burn of longing. I’d been missing life in so many different ways.
“Beautiful, isn’t it,” he said.
I nodded. “It’s breathtaking. Thank you. Thank you for this.” It was like seeing the world from a different perspective. He had no idea of the gift he’d just given me. When I glanced over at him, he wasn’t focused on downtown or the hustle and bustle of the city.
Asher was staring right at me.
“You cold?” he asked.
I couldn’t deny it. The breeze was stronger up this high.
“Come here,” he whispered, tugging me into his warmth.
The lights from below cast a shadow over his cheek and beard. But those eyes, they held so many desires. His head dipped, silently asking. I wanted him to just take… take all the questions and doubt away.
His lips pressed into mine. So soft, so enticing. I felt singed by their heat. I wanted more.
Asher put a breath of space between us, searching my eyes and getting the answers he needed. His hand cupped my face, taking more. Gliding his delicious tongue over mine.
Tossing us both into the unknown.