Chapter 14
14
Sienna
My body ached everywhere: my thighs, my neck, but mostly between my shoulders. I tried to stretch but gave up as it wasn’t worth the agony. Yep, most definitely in between my shoulders was where I felt it the most.
My hands still smelled like roses and greenery. I rubbed my face again, relishing their unique bouquets. So soft and fresh, like summer morning. For the first time in a long time, I felt serene. At peace. The lightness, lifted away from the darker scents of leather, oil, and danger.
Perhaps this was what Heaven smelled like?
Asher’s cologne had had a citrus scent to it. It wasn’t overpowering but enticing; the kind which made you feel safe and secure in its masculinity, but also desperate for more of it. I ached to rub up against it and soak it deeper into my memories. It was the fragrance that I’d fallen asleep to the night before, still woven around my fingertips.
I missed him and his talented lips and tongue. He’d kissed me into oblivion, melting away years of constant dread and replacing them with new desires—desires I had no right to crave. I’d been denying them for so long, I felt starved for it. That part of me that had been dead inside had roared back to life.
But it was all so dangerous. Asher deserved better. He deserved a beautiful life, unencumbered by my secrets. But I was selfish. My wants were pulling him into places he didn’t belong in. And my lies—they only compounded.
The memories of my yesterday filtered through, seeing nothing but absolute happiness and beauty on other women my age. Their ornate dresses of silk and lace, holding the elaborate bouquets Candace had made for them. The men in suits and tuxedos, filled with eagerness and brotherhood of a different kind, while getting boutonnieres attached to their lapels… Twenty-five tables at a lavish country club, being dressed with centerpiece vases filled with white roses and cascading ivy.
I tried to picture that for me. I tried to picture Asher being the one standing at the end of that sacred walk—a tear in his eye because he was happy and in love.
But men like Asher didn’t fall in love with people like me. I had to remind myself of that harsh reality. The clock was ticking, and I was running out of time.
I had to give props to Candace; she’d pulled off a miracle yesterday. It reminded me a lot of when I’d first landed in her world, and she’d introduced me to a whole new life filled with beauty and color. It had taken me a long time to see it, though: that illusion of hope. It’s hard to see the beauty in things when an evil hand makes your vision of the world ugly.
I rolled to my side, wincing through the soreness. My mother would have told me that feeling pain meant you were still alive and to make the best of it. She’d had such a positive attitude even when life had beaten her into the dirt too. Even up until her last few days, all she wanted was to feel the sunrise of another day.
I glanced at the window, seeing that sunrise she’d smiled at every morning. She’d raise her frail hand, pointing at it, trying to touch it just one more time. It was the simplest of things we took for granted that end up being all we really want in the end.
That was the thing about time though… after a while we become just a memory and then eventually, we’re just forgotten. But Asher had held me so tightly when we’d danced, as if he was trying to commit me to memory too.
I needed to get moving, but my tired eyes had other plans. Lingering on the memory of his face was more important.
Loud pounding instantly woke me up. My sliding door rattled in its frame. Panic froze the air in my lungs. I hadn’t heard the roar of motorcycles, but that didn’t mean anything. No one ever knocked on my door. No one. Ever.
I slipped out of bed, hiding in the shadows of my dark apartment. I’d thought about this moment far too often. Candace’s basement made a great apartment, but it was also a trap. I’d have to run past the door to get to the steps that led upstairs to her house.
The knocking persisted. And then I spied him between the cracks in the window blinds. He was leaning hard on the frame with both hands, as if he needed the metal to hold him up. My heart leapt in my chest.
I unlocked the door and slid it aside. “Asher? What’s wrong?”
His head tipped up; those honeycomb eyes landing right on me, going soft. “You’re okay,” he said as if there was another option to his words.
I stepped aside, ushering him in. Asher quickly scanned the room as if he was looking for someone. I tugged my baggy tank top down, trying to cover my underwear. I wasn’t one to wear pajamas to bed and I certainly wasn’t dressed to run for my life at this hour. The clock on my nightstand said it was only seven thirty-eight.
“You’re scaring me a bit. What’s going on?” I turned my lamp on.
He stopped in front of me. “I tried getting ahold of you yesterday.” He drew in a steadying breath. “I texted and called. And then we worked a bad accident this morning.”
“I was helping Candace with two big wedding deliveries. The second one was all the way down past Brentwood. And I accidentally dropped my phone on the patio after you dropped me off Friday.” I grabbed my phone off the table and showed him the proof. “It’s officially broken. The screen is just lines. I’m sorry. I know I’m a klutz. I’m sorry, I should have?—”
Before I could utter another word, he slipped the phone out of my hand and set it down. And then his hands cinched around my ribs and hefted me up into his chest. His arms wrapped around me as my legs curled around his waist, holding his broad shoulders and neck for dear life.
His mouth landed on mine, hard and yet desperate, melting both of our worries away. His hand gripped the back of my head as if losing my mouth on his might cause him to crumble. “I was worried,” he whispered over my lips. “You’re okay. I was worried,” he repeated.
His warm hand palmed my ass, holding me up while his forehead rested on mine. I rubbed the back of his neck, trying to sooth him. “Baby, talk to me.”
Asher’s eyes squeezed shut as his forehead shook over mine—shutting me out of hearing his thoughts. “Ash…”
“I didn’t hear from you,” he breathed out. His hand gripped my bottom tighter, as if he was using my body to shield him from his demons.
I slid my legs down off of him and took his face in my hands. I was all too familiar with the kind of demons that made men get crazy. I needed to shut his down before they took hold of his sanity. “My phone is broken. I know I have to get it fixed but I was with Candace all day. I swear. I was working all day, and she didn’t have the time to get me to the store. I’m sorry. It’s my fault.”
Those gorgeous eyes of his went wide, staring right back at me. Before they could have the chance to turn mean, I needed to fix them. “I’m sorry,” I said again.
Asher shook his head while taking my hand off his face, surprising me when he put it over his lips and kissed it. “Babe, no. Not your fault. No. I was...” He took a couple of deep breaths, trying to come to terms with all that was plaguing him. And then he looked me square in the eyes. “Seeing a car that looked like yours in a wreck… It was on fire , babe.”
“You thought it was me.” It wasn’t a question. I felt my skin prickle.
“Yeah. I did.” He stepped back to me and gently cupped my face, showing me how much that had messed with his head just by the way he was looking at me.
I cinched my hands around his wrists, holding him steady in case those hands got rough. I’d be no match for his weight and power, but I needed to deescalate him. Sometimes, it had worked in the past. At least Asher was sober. “I can see you’re upset.”
He studied my eyes as if he was looking for answers. “You’re under my skin,” he whispered. “I’m not sure how to handle it. Thinking I lost it for twenty-four hours has shown me it’s more. Thinking you didn’t feel the same wasn’t a good feeling.”
“I’m not sure how to handle it either,” I admitted. “Or what this all means—if it even means anything. Liking you is a dangerous thing.” I turned in his grip, placing a soft kiss on the palm of his hand.
Those honeycomb eyes turned heated, but serious. He let go of my face and then laced his fingers with mine. “What are we going to do about it?”
“I have no clue. I think that’s a question only you can answer.”
He gave me a small nod. “I’d like to explore what it could be for both of us. But that’s gonna require your participation.” He moved a lock of hair away from my eyes. My hair was up in a messy bun, and I was only partially dressed, but he was looking at me in ways that made my body feel alive.
“I need gentle, Ash. And I need words. I’ve tried to be a mind reader before. It never ends well.”
His thumb grazed my jaw, so soft. So gentle. “I don’t do games. And I’m not looking to get played or dicked around either. We do this, then there’s no one else. Just you and me. If you’re okay with that, then I’ll give you words. You want to know what’s on my mind, all you gotta do is ask.”
I put him to the test. “What’s on your mind, Ash?”
“My mind is a very dirty place right now, babe. And you want gentle. Not sure I’m capable of that right now. I just spent twenty-four hours thinking you’d scraped me off.”
“I was planning on getting a new phone today. Not knowing if you’d texted me was painful.”
Asher gave me the sexiest smile I’d ever seen. “I did. A few times.” His head dipped and those soft lips I’d been dreaming about were on me. His tongue brushed mine, sending that want right through me, making my belly feel heavy and neglected. He palmed my ass, gripping it while sending more heaviness into all the parts he was getting close to touching.
I needed more, more of his hands all over my body, but my secret shame was dousing that flame he was burning in me. Asher hooked me around my waist and with a little tug, he hefted me back up on him. Putting that heaviness right on the bulge he’d grown.
He walked us over to my couch and sat us down, me straddled up on top of him so he could relax while kissing me. His hands palmed my rear, showing me how he’d spread me wide, planting me right where we both needed it the most.
Once he had me where he wanted me, those talented hands of his started roaming while his tongue made me wild. His thumb skimmed under my breast as he devoured my bottom lip. He’d left me in this state of arousal after our date—after all of those amazing kisses. I’d been so dazed by it all, I’d dropped my phone while trying to open my door.
“God, you drive me crazy,” he said in my mouth as he arched his hips up into me. His teeth scraped my neck, pulling my tank top out of his way to suck harder. His other hand made me moan out as it drifted over my breast, teasing my nipple. My entire body felt like it was about to burst.
His teeth scraped over my neck; a mix of hunger that mirrored my own. His tongue drifted over the top of my tattoo as he moved fabric out of his way.
And then everything stopped. Asher’s body went completely ridged beneath me. He tugged my shirt lower. I’d been so caught up in his touch, I didn’t even think. And now it was too late.
“Sienna.” Asher was serious now. This was one of the reasons why I never wanted to let anyone touch me. Seeing that look on his face was agony.
His fingers brushed over my scar which was now in full view, illumined by the dumb lamp I’d turned on earlier. Then he discovered the divot and circular scar where the bullet had shattered my shoulder blade on its way in. No matter how much ink I’d had the tattoo artist put there, the scars remained a forever reminder of my failures. I pulled away from his touch. My secret shame wasn’t up for such scrutiny.
His hands lifted my head, making me face him. “I need to know.”
No, he didn’t. The ugly washed over me like black sludge.
“Saw the bullet hole in your car. It’s not lost on me you’ve been through darkness. I need to know how dark.”
I moved to get off of him. He was going to leave eventually anyway—once he saw the ugly coating me. No better time than the present.
His hands locked onto my hips, holding me firm. His gaze leveled its heaviness on me. “You wanted words from me. I’m asking you the same.”
I seized his wrist, ready to pull his hand off of me. Last thing I wanted to see was his revulsion. “The last man who touched me, shot me.”
Asher froze, letting that soak in. I watched my dirty coat him too. I tried to move again but his hands wouldn’t let me.
“Babe, look at me.”
I couldn’t. I didn’t want to see it all registering on his handsome face that the woman he’d just been intimately touching was tainted. “I tried to leave. So many times. He had a different idea of what that meant. Bullet went through my scapula and caught a few ribs on its way out.”
Asher adjusted me forward, jostling me just enough to make me look at him. The anger coating him now scared me. “Where is he?”
“Prison.”
That answer seemed to appease him, although only slightly. He tried to touch my face again, but I pulled away. I just wanted off this ride now.
“Sienna, look at me.” I was so used to obeying orders, my body instantly responded. His expression was hard but firm. “Wherever you’re going in your head, stop.”
“You’ll never look at me the same way now,” I muttered.
“No, baby. Don’t go there. Hey”—he jiggled me—“don’t go there.” His mouth twisted together and then he started pulling his gray T-shirt out from under my thighs. He took my hand and placed it on his side. “Feel that? Taliban did that one.”
I moved my hand to see the scar along his side. A tiny dent puckered his skin. He winced when I touched it with my fingertip.
“That tickles,” he said with a soft laugh. I caught the small smile edging his lips. He let out a sigh. “You think less of me?”
I shook my head. How could I think less of him? “No. The enemy shot you.”
Asher’s hand brushed lightly over my arm. “Appears the enemy shot you too.”
I curled my fingers into the soft fabric of his shirt. “It’s not the same. You didn’t trust the enemy with your heart.”
“Do I look like the enemy?” he asked.
I shook my head. “Of course not.”
His thumb skated over my cheek. I hated feeling this vulnerable. “I don’t know this man, but knowing he did that to you, he doesn’t deserve to keep breathing.” He locked his eyes on mine. “I will never hurt you, okay? Never . You’ll never have to fear me. And now I understand things better. And I know you’re gonna need time. But I promise you, you give me that time, I’ll prove it.”
Time . Time was my enemy. I believed Asher. I did. That wasn’t the problem. And me sitting on his lap like this, knowing we’d taken this to the next level—a level which required complete honesty if it had even a remote chance of lasting—wasn’t helping.
“I know what you need,” he said softly.
What I needed was to disappear and pretend these last ten minutes didn’t exist. I needed a passport and a one-way ticket to Antarctica, or maybe someplace a bit warmer, like Fiji.
“You trust me?” he asked.
The war in my head quieted a bit as I thought about the time we’d spent together. He’d never given me any reason not to trust him. But I needed to stay true to myself, even though I’d forgotten how to. “I want to. It may take me a little longer than some to get there.”
“I’ll take that.” His hands warmed over my thighs. “And as much as I love the vision of you sitting on my lap like this, I need to be someplace in an hour. I want you to come with me.”
If I’d only known then where he was planning to take me, I would have said no.