Chapter 17 #2
“What do you mean? That’s the reason we’re here, isn’t it? Even if I did hear him out, he deserved to die.”
She’s quiet as we connect on to the highway, the city lights fading behind us as the night settles a dark blanked over us.
“Don’t take this the wrong way, Nyx. But I don’t think you have it in you.
” I snap my head to her, brows deeper this time, but she goes on, raising a surrendering hand between us.
“You might have thought you did. But as soon as your finger rested against the trigger, I don't think you'd pull it.”
My teeth grind, mind going back to the precise moment before getting shot. I did hesitate. But denial seems to be my most readily available emotion recently. “Yes. I would have. After everything he's done, he deserves it.”
“I don't disagree with that, but that’s not you, Nyx. I know you’re a cold-blooded killer; we've all been crafted into one. But this? You care about those closest to you, even us as your unit. You might think you don’t show it, but you do.
You're always getting the information first, you need to know everything.
Hell, I think Graves could strangle you sometimes when you pipe up asking about all those involved in the enemy lines, just so you're fully aware of the situations we're going into.” She takes a deep breath, and I hang onto her inhale at her admission of my profiling, feeling uneasy at being so easily read.
“You wouldn't have been able to live with the what ifs once your finger came off the trigger.”
I sink into my seat, turning her words over in my mind.
I do care about my unit. We’re more than a team; we’re family.
And I’ve always needed to know the truth before making a move.
My mother taught me that - always understand the risks, always minimize unnecessary casualties, and never take an innocent life unless survival demands it.
It’s how she rose to become the General - she was solid in tactical thinking.
“This is different, Blitz. He betrayed me, he killed my own flesh and blood. She was our General, for Christ’s sake.
He killed her to cover his tracks, to avoid anyone derailing his plans.
This is personal. I don’t need anything else other than that.
” My words come out as a conviction, but the way my hands tremble, would give away my heart's incredulity.
Silence stretches between us for the rest of the ride back to base, Blitz’s words circling like a storm in my head.
The cruiser pushes past 120 mph, the highway an endless ribbon of darkness.
Doubt seeps into my bones, and I fight to brace against it.
If Graves has evidence of Noc’s wrongdoings, then I shouldn’t need anything more.
I never ask for physical proof during missions, so why would I need it for this?
A small part of me wants to, but the other knows that would be the final blow.
And for some reason, a darker fraction of me wants to feed into where my hesitation is owning me.
Instead, I shut my eyes, willing my mind to drift anywhere else.
But grief is unforgiving, and no matter how hard I try, it refuses to let me go.
We pull into the base, Blitz creeping the cruiser along the road before easing it back into its spot.
My heart trips over a beat. Adam stands in the garage, arms crossed and looking like hell itself spat him out.
I groan as I step out, and he’s already storming towards me.
His hands grip me by the shoulders as he shakes me hard.
“What the hell were you thinking, Nyx? You could have been killed! I should’ve known you were up to something earlier - I saw it in your eyes.
I stupidly gave you the benefit of the doubt.
I thought, y'know, she's not that stupid.
She's definitely not that stupid. But you are! I almost rode out there with Phantom when Blitz messaged.” I swing my body towards Blitz, cutting him off before he can hurl more scoldings at me.
“You what!” I try to keep my voice low, but she gives me a nonchalant shrug, not even the least bit bothered that she's outed me.
“Don't be mad, I had Adam freeze the cameras for us and meddle with the lights so we'd get out of here unseen, he wouldn't have had time to stop us, so he just had to comply.” She gives him a sweet smile.
“You should be thanking him, or else we'd have gotten caught.” I roll my eyes, my sigh is boundless.
I feel like all I do is sigh to get the anger out of me these days.
Adam's firm grip is still on me, twisting me back to face him, his eyes shooting to the blood now soaking my sleeve.
“Are you ok? Not your arm, I know the pain of that probably hasn't kicked in yet.” He hasn't asked what I did, just concerned with my headspace.
The shame gets the better of me. I lower my head at the defeat.
I've done all this and not even succeeded; I've let myself down.
But most of all, I've failed my mother. I shouldn't need second chances with my rank.
“I’m fine, I didn't get him. Yet.” The last word feeling foreign on my tongue.
“We'll get him.” I didn’t even realize Phantom was here until I heard his voice. “We all will, we're a team, Nyx. Next time you go on a suicide mission, at least let us join you. We'll always have your back.”
I look at each of them, and my cold ice heart lets through a little bit of warmth, just for this moment, to appreciate my family. “I’m sorry guys, I had to do this for myself, even if I failed. I couldn't risk any of you talking me out of it.”
Adam takes the chance to cut in. “Which I certainly would have.”
I huff a laugh. “I couldn't have risked losing any of you.”
Phantom speaks up again. “Doesn't matter the cost. We all give our lives for each other out there all the time, this would’ve been no different. Besides, even if caught, they can't take us all down.” He ends it with a wink.
Blitz steps in, completing our group. “Group hug, guys! Come on, just this once - please! We’re human after all.
” She drags out the please like a needy child, and I can’t help but laugh.
It feels good. The guys finally give in, and we hug it out.
Awkwardly and stiffly. We’re hardly the affectionate type, and the whole thing lasts maybe two seconds before we break apart, all of us visibly uncomfortable at the thought of four highly trained special ops indulging in something as basic as a hug.
“Did you at least return the favor to whoever did damage to your arm?” Phantom points, and I glance down, realizing it’s the first time I’ve visually acknowledged it - the throbbing makes itself known.
“Yeah. The blonde with him, Natalia. Not dead, but she probably wishes I was.”
A smirk pulls at my lips - maybe I was jealous.
Not just because she’s got an untainted love with Noc.
Maybe I wanted to mark her, to give her flaws.
She looked too perfect, untouched, like life hadn’t left her with scars the way it did me.
Phantom lets out a dramatic meow, and we all burst into laughter.
“Come on,'' Adam waves his hand. “I've only frozen the front area for another ten minutes, and the sun will start rising soon. You two need to get back to your rooms and sort yourself out before someone sees.” We partake in another mini mission to sneak within the shadows, making our way back to our quarters, helping each other out as we avoid the lights and keep a look out for each other. Teamwork.
It’s been eight days, and I think we're in the clear from my little moment of madness. No one has said a word to us. Graves has been in and out, Hawk seems back to his regular self again. The wound on my arm is healing up - thankfully it was only a graze - and I’ve kept it covered with a bandage and sleeves.
I’m finally getting to enjoy a lie-in this morning for the first time since God knows when.
The weight of everything inside me feeling a fraction lighter, I shared what I could with the rest of the guys, minus the commander and executive officer.
They never passed judgement, never said a word as I let the story spill in full, the words easier as I went on.
They just listened. Blitz’s words still echo in my mind: “You’re allowed to have vulnerabilities, and us out of anyone should know them.
We need to know when you need to be carried, and not just through a battlefield. ”
I check my phone to see it’s 0730, tucking myself back in for another thirty minutes since my body is granting me luxury.
There's a knock at my door, and I pretend I’m sleeping.
This is why I don't speak these things out loud. As soon as I do, poof, they're gone. The door bangs again, much louder than the first. Good mood ruined and returning to my normal, full crank mode as they aren’t taking the hint. “Fuck off, I’m sleeping!” This time I grab my spare pillow and shove it over my head, muffling the world.
Although it doesn’t work against the laugh that glides through my room.
“Sleeping people don't talk back to their Executive, Nyx.” I curse internally this time, throwing the bedding off me and looking up at Hawk. He leans against the doorframe, amusement all over his face as he takes in my wild bed head and screwed up eyes. “I’ve seen you look better.”
“I was actually having a decent sleep for one, douchebag.''
Normally someone would get their ass whooped for that, but we all have a good relationship with Hawk, he lets us get away with it - in principle.
He gives us it right back and we all know when we can afford a joke.
“Just wanted to check in, see how you're doing. You know you can have downtime if you need it, Nyx. Get your head clear. No one would think anything of it.”