28. Chase
Chase
While Logan was on my lap, the whole world ceased to exist, and all I wanted was everything he was whispering in my ear.
He’s right.
About all of it.
Obviously, I hadn’t committed to pursuing anything with Logan—or any guy—but now that he’s taking the possibility off the table, I feel empty.
Which is insane.
“Can we just…slow down, or back up, or pause, or something?” I ask, suddenly needing to stand and pace to dispel the energy coursing through me.
“We can do whatever you want as long as you don’t clam up and avoid me for weeks again,” Logan says, earning a glare from me.
“I wasn’t avoiding you,” I argue, even though I absolutely was. “We were both busy as fuck. And okay, I was trying to deal with my guilt. So, sue me,” I snap.
I’m totally frustrated because I wasn’t expecting to be called out. I’m also frustrated because everything he said was accurate, and I don’t know what to do about it. I just wanted to show him the townhouse I found. I wasn’t aware that an entire existential crisis was coming along with it.
“Is that all you were trying to deal with?” he asks, even though he damn well knows it wasn’t just about the guilt.
No.
“Why don’t you tell me, since you can read my every thought so easily?” I bite.
“Okay,” he says with a shrug, despite the comment being rhetorical. “You were dealing with the fact that you are attracted to me and that you liked that kiss, and while you’re okay making Hanlon comfortable with his sexuality, you haven’t come to terms with your own.”
I freeze.
“You think I’m gay?”
Logan shrugs.
“I think there are a lot of options, but since you’ve been dating a chick for the last several years, I’m probably gonna say gay is off the table, but bi, demi, or pan might fit.”
“Glad you think this is funny,” I spit.
“I never said that,” he argues, taking another sip of coffee.
Finally, I sit back down with my face in my hands.
“How the fuck did I get here?” I ask.
Realizing my mental state is far more fragile in this moment than he was anticipating, Logan climbs back out of the recliner and sits next to me, our thighs touching as he drapes an arm across my shoulder like I’ve done to him many times.
“People change, Chase. They evolve. You and Kendra have grown apart; meanwhile, Hanlon and Stone are getting married. Some part of you was probably searching for what comes next for you, and we happened to reconnect in the middle of all of that. It’s a natural progression,” he says calmly.
Sometimes those on the outside have a much better perspective than those of us in the middle of things.
“Yeah, I guess,” I reluctantly admit, though we both know it’s more than that.
“Does being attracted to me really freak you out that much?” Logan asks.
I turn to look at him, casting all jokes aside. I take in the blond tips in his light brown hair, the diamond studs in his ears. My eyes linger on the pulse point thrumming in his throat before moving back up to his eyes.
There’s no doubt about it: Logan Kirkland is hot.
It’s just a fact.
Like water is wet, the earth is round, and Logan is sexy as fuck.
I can admit that.
“No,” I answer, relieved when the tension eases in my muscles, giving confirmation that I’m telling the truth.
Logan’s lips curve in a smile, revealing his insanely white teeth again.
“You do admit you’re attracted to me, though?” he says, playing off our first night together.
I playfully nudge his shoulder.
“You’re alright,” I tease.
“Look,” he starts, turning to face me on the couch by pulling his right foot into his right thigh as his left foot stays braced on the floor.
“I shouldn’t have been a dick. Regardless of how comfortable you are with someone else’s choices doesn’t mean you’ll automatically be that comfortable when it’s applied to your own life.
My illustration probably took things a little too far, but I needed something dramatic here because I need you to understand it’s not that I don’t want to keep being roommates, it’s just like, a whole-ass house together feels like a bigger commitment than what I can handle while you’re still…
uh…working through things,” Logan says, running a hand through his hair.
“No, it’s cool. I get it,” I tell him. “I might’ve jumped the gun on the whole townhouse thing,” I admit. “I just feel like I’m spiraling and need to control something. Buying that place would at least give me control over my space and take a little control of my life back.”
“Hey, I’m not saying no. I’m just saying maybe not right this minute.”
“Yeah, I hear you,” I say, sounding totally defeated to my own ears.
Logan pats my knee and stands.
“Well, you know, if you have any questions about things, I know you can always call Hanlon, but I’m here too.”
Him saying Hanny’s name again finally jogged my memory enough to remember, “Oh, I have something for you. I’ll be right back.”
Grabbing the envelope off my dresser, I make my way back to the living room.
“I didn’t want you to have to deal with this during your on-week, and after that crazy-ass weather, I’m glad I waited,” I tell him, handing him the envelope as that terrible dream plays on repeat in my mind.
At first, Logan looks confused, but I see the moment he reads the return address label in the top left corner, and he begins chewing on his bottom lip.
“Is this what I think it is?” he whispers.
“If you think it’s their wedding invitation, then yes,” I reply.
He tosses it onto the coffee table and mutters, “Un-fucking-believable.”
“Yeah, I sort of thought the same thing,” I tell him before starting to laugh.
“Christ, we’re quite a pair, aren’t we? You’re fucked up over Stone.
I’m fucked up over Kendra. We’re both exhausted all the time, living in this Cracker Jack box, and I’m so fucking tired of the cold and snow I could fucking die.
Logan, my friend, it’s time for some changes. ”
“Like adding bourbon to my coffee?” he asks.
“No! Here’s what we’re going to do. We’re both going to that wedding.
I’m going to support my best friend, and you’re going to get closure.
Then, we’re going to get on a plane, use a couple of our blessed days of vacation, and head to Aruba.
We need a change of scenery. We need the sun and someplace warm.
We both need to be reminded that life is bigger than this daily grind we find ourselves in.
“It’s time for you to stop running from the past and for me to stop being so focused on the future that I’m wasting today.
I need a fresh fucking start even if everything in my daily life stays the same.
I need something to reignite the fire under my ass and restore my zeal for life.
Let’s go windsurfing or shark diving, or cliff jumping. What do you say?” I ask.
“Are you high?” Logan replies, making me laugh.
“No!” I yell again, laughing harder. “Come on, the wedding is in early April. At best it’s going to be in the low-fifties here, and you know it’s going to be raining every day.
We’ll make the quick trip to Vermont, say our congratulations, close some doors, get plastered at their open bar, and then get the hell out of the country for a few days.
” When Logan finally looks like he’s starting to take me seriously, I really try to paint a picture for him, waving my hands in front of us like I’m magically revealing the image that’s in my head.
“Picture it. Crystal-clear water, temps in the eighties, an adults-only resort, pina coladas at a swim-up bar, and some crazy-ass excursions that make us want to kiss U.S. soil by the time we get back home.”
I see the wheels turning in his head and smile when he finally says, “Fuck it. I’m in.”
“Yes!” I drum my hands on his thigh in my excitement, and he catches my wrist, making me go still.
“But you need to do something for me before then,” Logan says.
“Okay,” I agree easily.
“Regardless of your stance on men, you need to figure your shit out with Kendra by the time we leave. If I’m going to commit to closing the chapter with Stone, you need to figure out if you’re all in with her or if that chapter also needs closure.”
I nod, knowing he’s right.
Things haven’t felt right with Kendra for several months now, and it’s time to address it. This state of limbo is brutal, and I need to either shit or get off the pot, as my father says.
“Deal.”