32. Chase
Chase
“Alex?” I ask. I’m dumbfounded because I’ve never heard the name.
I don’t mean to interrogate Logan, but I was really hoping to catch up with him tonight. It feels like forever since we’ve had a second to ourselves, and having Kendra here has really magnified my desire for a quiet moment alone with Logan.
I miss his hugs. I could use one of his strong, unyielding squeezes right now, but instead, he’s walking out the door.
“Yeah,” he says, clapping me on the shoulder again with a brusqueness that sets me on edge. “Have a good night.”
I catch his wrist and keep hold of it until he looks at me.
“Is this a date? I’ve never heard you talk about him before.”
“Babe, what does it matter?” Kendra says, coming to stand next to me and wrapping her arm around my waist. “It means we’ll have the place to ourselves, and our dinner reservations aren’t for another hour.”
I hear Kendra talking, but my eyes never leave Logan’s…which means I don’t miss his wince.
He’s leaving on purpose.
“Hey, Ken, can you give us a second?” I ask.
“Seriously?” she says, causing both Logan and me to look her way. “It’s our anniversary. I would like to actually spend time with you, and I keep getting pushed aside for everyone else.”
Releasing Logan’s wrist, I point my finger in his face.
“Stay,” I command before turning back to Kendra. Grabbing her hands, I kiss her knuckles. “You’re right. I’ve been busy, and while I can’t help it, I’m sorry if you feel like I’ve been neglecting you. Give me and Logan two quick minutes, and then I’ll be in, and we’ll celebrate properly, okay?”
Beaming like she just won Olympic gold, Kendra flounces away as she sings, “Two minutes! Then you’re miiiiiine.”
When I turn back to Logan, his jaw is clenched, head turned away from me.
I don’t waste any time pulling him tightly against me. I know if we could just have a second to breathe and pause this crazy circus of our lives, we could get back on the same page.
But my frayed nerve endings don’t even have a chance to recover before he’s pulling away.
“Hey, man, we’re all good,” he says, patting my shoulder. “I gotta roll, but I’ll catch you later.”
I use the rest of my minute and forty seconds to stare at the door he just walked out of.
Somehow this feels much worse than New Year’s and the awkward silence that followed. At least with that, we both knew we had crossed a line… we had also both wanted it.
Now, Logan’s pulling away, and all I want to do is curl into him and have him tell me things will get better.
As I’m left trying to figure out what just happened, Kendra’s voice calls from my room.
I’m ashamed of myself for wishing she would go home already. I feel truly terrible for these thoughts, but she’s just another demand on my time, and I’m already stretched so fucking thin.
Sighing, I yell back, “Coming!”
She giggles.
“Not yet, you’re not, but hopefully soon.”
Nothing in me stirs. My dick hangs limply between my legs, silently begging me to not put up with the charade.
I slowly make my way back to my room where I find Kendra sprawled out on my bed in a piece of royal-blue lingerie.
She looks stunning, truly.
She was a competitive cheerleader in high school and undergrad, and she’s kept the physique that goes with that sport. She’s petite with naturally blonde hair, bright blue eyes, and tan skin from her life in Florida.
She’s a vision, turning heads everywhere she goes.
But looking at her now, all I see is that damn door closing behind Logan.
“Like what you see?” Kendra asks, the corners of her mouth turning up into a confident smirk.
I nod, knowing my lies will taste bitter on my tongue.
“I just need to grab a shower really quickly,” I tell her, trying to procrastinate as much as possible.
“Make it fast,” she says seductively. I’m looking around for my towel, coming up empty, when she adds, “Check the top of the dryer.”
“Right,” I say, exiting the room.
Logan did my laundry because he’s a saint.
Standing under the spray of hot water, I force myself to push everything aside. Focus on the here and now. Give Kendra the anniversary she deserves, especially since there hasn’t been any time for flowers or a gift.
I need to get my dick in this game because I know what Kendra is expecting as soon as I get out. I’m afraid I’m going to be asleep two-point-four seconds after being horizontal, but even more than that, I’m afraid I won’t be able to get it up, and I’ve fucked up enough where she’s concerned.
But after five minutes of thinking about that lingerie and the gorgeous girl wearing it, my dick is still as uninterested as ever.
I begin to panic, pulling desperately on my shaft, almost to the point of pain, trying to elicit a response, when out of nowhere, an image of Logan pulling me to him by the back of my neck on Dr. Porter’s front porch springs front and center in my mind.
Deciding that desperate times do, in fact, call for desperate measures, I let my mind pause on that moment.
I continue to stroke myself, thinking about the way he touched me, the way his body felt under my hands, pausing only once to ask for permission, and devouring me once he had it, his tongue taking without apology.
I’m fully hard in less than a minute.
Deciding I’d better get a move on before I lose it, I shut the water off, do a terrible job drying my body, and rush back to my room.
Kendra eyes my erection immediately.
Climbing onto the bed, I pull her to me, wishing I had time to appreciate the outfit she has on and the look of pure lust in her eyes, but I don’t. If this is going to be successful, it needs to happen now.
But as soon as her lips connect with mine, it’s all wrong, and my dick immediately begins to deflate.
No, no, no!
I shove the fabric to the side, knowing that surely, if I can sink inside her, the feeling of that wet heat enveloping me will do the trick and revive my traitorous cock.
But the bastard checks out before I can even drive home.
You have got to be kidding me.
“Babe?” Kendra asks, the concern in her voice clearly evident. “What’s wrong?”
“Shit, Ken. I’m sorry. It’s all the stress. It won’t always be like this, I swear.”
“Let me see if I can help,” she says, sliding down to settle between my legs.
I already know this is going to end poorly.
“Maybe we should just go grab dinner. A glass of wine will help me relax; we can catch up, and then I’ll have enough margin to do this the right way,” I say, running a thumb over her lip.
I can see the disappointment in her eyes, but she nods with a small smile.
“Yeah, okay.”
Dinner doesn’t go any better, and I don’t even feel like drinking the wine.
The awkward silences feel like they stretch on for hours.
Kendra doesn’t like hearing about my co-residents because she gets jealous of their time with me, and she—like my parents—doesn’t understand why I love to talk about the kids on the sixth floor so much.
“You aren’t at work right now, Chase. Let’s talk about something else,” she says.
I startle at the realization that I’ve become the guy who’s made medicine his life.
Interestingly, it never seems to bother Logan.
Our conversations flow so naturally. He talks about the hospital from his perspective, and I talk about it from mine.
It’s how we decompress. It’s what we know. It’s the world we share.
Kendra updates me on her friend drama, her parents, and some new restaurant in Florida she’s excited to try, and I couldn’t care less about any of it because it all seems so meaningless.
I force myself to drink more in an effort to get out of my head long enough to be able to fuck her tonight.
God, that thought makes me nauseated.
When we get home, Logan’s truck is still gone, and my mind conjures a thousand questions.
Who the hell is Alex? Does Logan plan to go home with him tonight? Will he let Alex fuck him?
That last one really pisses me off, sending me into a tailspin as I pull Kendra from the car, determined to pound her into the mattress.
Fuck this.
She wants it, and Logan’s off getting laid. Why shouldn’t I?
As we enter the house, I spin her so her back hits the now-closed door. I push so hard that the air is forced from her lungs. The sound starts to turn me on until she says, “Jesus, Chase, think you could go a little easier?”
Instead of answering, I bend down, bringing my lips to her neck. She tilts her head to give me better access, and I nip the skin there with my teeth.
“Ow! Did you just bite me? What has gotten into you all of a sudden?”
“I haven’t seen you in months, Kendra, which means I haven’t gotten laid in months. Sorry if I’m a little excited.”
She gives me a wicked grin.
“Well, why didn’t you say so?” she says, obviously pleased that I’m making a move as opposed to earlier. “Lead the way.”
I practically drag her into my room and wonder if I should apologize in advance for being a rough lover tonight. Something under my skin is dying to let loose.
Only, once she’s naked, it doesn’t matter how much licking or sucking I do, nor does it matter where my fingers wander to play, I still can’t get hard.
“It’s okay,” Kendra says softly. “I can get it back.”
I admire her confidence, and for a second, I think it’s going to work…but her hand is too soft. Too small. Her whimpers are too fragile for what I need right now, pissing me off all over again.
“Look, I’m really fucking sorry. I just don’t think it’s going to happen tonight,” I say, sighing in frustration as I slide off the bed and pull on a pair of sweats.
“Is it me?” she asks, and although the question is valid, I’m annoyed.
“No, I’m pretty sure my dick’s refusal to cooperate is all me,” I snap as another piece of this puzzle slides into place. It’s getting harder to deny the truth glaring me in the face.
I don’t even know why I’m fighting it so hard.
Yes, I do.
I’m scared.
Because falling in love with a man doesn’t fit the script I’ve written for my life.
Leaning my bare shoulder against the wall, I wish I could sleep. I need to fucking sleep. But I know sleep will continue to evade me until Logan comes home.
If Logan comes home.
“We could watch a movie?” Kendra suggests, rising from the bed to grab a pink robe off the back of the chair.
“Actually, I think I’m just going to work through some chart reviews. Why don’t you try to get some sleep?” Moving to where she’s standing, she rolls the robe into a ball and tosses it onto the floor.
“Un-fucking-believable,” she mutters. “Are we going to talk about this, or am I just supposed to let you bury it under mounds of work?”
“The conversation won’t be productive tonight,” I tell her honestly. “But I promise we’ll talk tomorrow.”
I need to talk to Logan first.
I need to know if I’m going crazy or if there’s something there. I need to know I’m not having some psychotic break from the stress and lack of sleep.
Most importantly, I need to know if he’s in as deep as I think I am.
“Yeah, well, we’d better since I’m leaving soon,” she says.
I tuck her into my bed with a kiss on her forehead. I’m not sure how it feels to her, but it feels a lot like goodbye to me.
Then I pour a drink and settle onto the couch.
I must’ve dozed off for a few minutes, because the sound of the front door opening pulls me from my sleep.
“Logan?” I say groggily, my eyes still closed.
“Chase? Why are you on the couch instead of buried inside your girlfriend?” he gripes.
Christ, why is everyone mad at me?
My eyes flash to his. More shit is not what I need tonight.
“Why didn’t you go home with Alex?” I fire back, sitting upright.
“Who?” Logan asks, his brow pinched.
“The pilot you said you were meeting tonight?” I prompt.
His eyes dart toward the hall, telling me something doesn’t add up.
“It wasn’t like that. It was just a drink.”
“You’re lying,” I say, calling him out, finally standing to meet him as eye to eye as we can be since I’m several inches taller than him. Inhaling deeply, I search the air for the scent of another man, but I come up empty. I only smell Logan’s body wash.
“What does it matter, Chase? You’re meant to be figuring things out with Kendra, not worrying about where I am or who I’m with.”
I flop back down on the couch.
“Right,” is all I manage.
Logan shifts next to me, but I keep my eyes off him. He looks good tonight, and it irritates me that I notice.
Why can’t I just say the words?
It also irritates me that he’s lying about where he was and who he was with.
“Look, I want to help you figure this out, but I don’t think I’m the right person for the job,” he says sympathetically.
“Don’t worry about it. I’m pretty sure I’ve already figured it out,” I tell him, peering through my lashes to look up at him.
He releases a slow exhale.
“And?”
“And I’m afraid I’m going to fuck my whole life up by making the wrong choice.”
I’m getting closer to acknowledging this truth, but still, I don’t release it yet. Maybe I’m doing this backward. Maybe I need to break up with Kendra first.
When Logan speaks, his words are kind, but his shoulders remain tense, and he swallows hard.
“As long as it’s the right choice for you, that’s all that matters. I’m gonna head to bed,” he continues. “Maybe I’ll see you tomorrow. I know you’re on call. Don’t forget your lunch.”