Chapter 16
“H
ave you been to see James yet today?” Darina asked.
“I haven’t yet, though I intend to go and check on him soon,” Edwina replied.
It had been several days since the procedure.
The two sisters were leaning against the stone wall outside the pantry, furtively munching on apples and cheese they had surreptitiously lifted when none of the servants were around.
It was a harmless caprice, and although the two sisters had rarely gotten along as children, this had been the one activity they had occasionally shared at Castle Wallace.
These had been the infrequent times when they had momentarily forgotten how little they had in common and had bonded over purloined berries and the occasional tart or meat pie.
They were caught and scolded once or twice, but generally, they had been allowed by their parents to commit these petty thefts with impunity.
“You will want to look in at his chamber rather than the healer’s,” Darina advised, “as he was moved there late last night.”
Edwina scowled. “What?! Who arranged such a thing without consulting me first? He should not have been moved before I had a chance to inspect him and approve it!”
Darina giggled. “Calm yourself, Sister! All the healers examined him thoroughly and pronounced him fit enough to be helped up the stairs to his own room. They felt it would elevate his disposition and in doing so improve his health as well.”
“Nonsense,” Edwina grumbled. “They were the ones whose care of him was inadequate to begin with, or had you forgotten? Not to mention the fact that they probably only suggested his removal because they had grown weary of his company.”
“Can you blame them?” Darina challenged impishly. “James can be a rather difficult person to be around.”
“He has been in agony for the better part of a year, Sister. He can hardly be faulted for losing his temper here and there.”
Darina tilted her head curiously. After several moments, she said, “Do you know, I believe that might be the very first time in our lives that I have heard you actually come to someone’s defense! Generally you prefer ladling out insults of your own rather than making excuses for people.”
Edwina didn’t answer.
“You are developing feelings for James!” Darina crowed, amused.
“Nonsense. I was brought here for healing, not courtship. As you know, I have never had any real interest in such things.”
“Yes, but then again, this visit is full of firsts, is it not?” her older sister prodded. “Your first foray into healing without Drusilla by your side, and now—”
“Oh, stop being silly!” Edwina protested.
“You always get the most foolish ideas in your head! The vaguest hint that James and I have come to a meeting of the minds, and you start giggling and swanning about, accusing me of falling in love or some such idiocy. Not all women are like you, Darina. We don’t all spend our lives chasing romance. ”
“In this case, it doesn’t seem as though it’s required any chasing, does it?
It appears to have found you even while you’re standing still!
What do you intend to do? Will you let him woo you?
Will you marry him, and come to live with me here?
Oh, I would have preferred it were any of our other sisters,” she teased, “but I suppose you shall have to do.”
“I am going to make sure that the person entrusted to my care is capable of sustaining his recovery without my presence,” Edwina informed her archly, “and then I shall return to Castle Wallace, as planned.”
Darina shrugged. “Suit yourself, but it seems to me you are depriving yourself of a chance at real happiness.”
“I do not need a man to achieve ‘real happiness,’” Edwina insisted.
“You would be shocked, I think, if you knew how few women actually do. It is merely a delusion peddled to them by men to keep us simpering and chasing fairy-tale princes so that such silly pursuits will ensure we stay well out of their way.”
“You may use all the stern and steely words you wish, Sister, but I have known you too long to be fooled by them. I have never seen this look in your eyes before, but now that I do, it is all too easy to identify: You are in love.”
“You are imagining things,” Edwina replied flatly. “Now, if you will pardon me, I must go now to see whether James requires any further ministrations from me before I depart.”
“‘Further ministrations’ indeed!” Darina laughed. “Why, I’ve certainly never heard it called that before!”
Edwina took her leave, grumbling and cursing her sister all the way up the stairs until she reached the tower where James’s chamber was situated. She rapped on the door, and he called out, “Enter!”
When she walked in, she was astonished to see James standing. He looked at her, his face alight with glee. “Do you see? I have been standing like this for quite some time now, far longer than I was able to before! It seems that I am healing wondrously!”
Edwina was pleased, but she hid it well, walking over to him and fussing. “You will not heal well at all if you insist on rushing things! Now lie down this instant!”
James did as he was told, giving her a lopsided grin. “I knew that you would say something like that and remain outwardly impassive, but you must admit to being pleased to see that your efforts have yielded such results! My pain has diminished incredibly!”
“Yes, and it’s a good thing too,” she said briskly, “for I have nearly run out of the concoction which was meant to wean you from the opium. Do you believe you can continue without the aid of it now, or do you think you might return to your old ways?”
He shook his head at once. “No. I have resolved that I shall never touch that vile stuff again. It made me its prisoner, and now that I am free, I will not risk being locked in such a horrid cage again for all the world.”
“I am glad to hear it.” And she was, far more than she allowed herself to let on. In truth, the victory she had achieved with James made her feel better than anything ever had before in her life.
Though part of that, perhaps, was the way he was looking at her: with such amazement and adoration, and above all, gratitude for having liberated him.
No one had ever looked at her that way before.
Her temperament was such that she rarely drew smiles from anyone; she had, indeed, cultivated that forbidding demeanor so that others might leave her alone.
This time, she found herself less inclined to deliberately repulse him for that purpose. She had come to enjoy his company and the triumph that he represented in terms of her healing abilities.
“Now, let me inspect your leg,” she demanded. “I must see how the healing is progressing.”
“So you say,” he replied roguishly, “though, for my part, I believe you simply wish for any excuse to see parts of my body naked and exposed.”
Edwina raised an eyebrow at him. “We’ll have none of that,” she shot back. “Just because you find yourself in higher spirits does not mean that you are given leave to behave inappropriately while we are alone together. The others have given us their trust in that regard, and we must not abuse it.”
She reached for his trouser leg to roll it up, but he reached out, taking her by the hand and looking into her eyes earnestly.
“I jest, and perhaps crudely, for which I apologize. I would not offend you for all the world, Edwina. You have worked miracles with me, and the longer you remain here, the quicker my prospects are sure to improve.”
“You will continue to improve even without my presence,” she assured him, “and it’s a good thing, too. For now that you are able to stand and move on your own, and you have forsworn the use of laudanum, my work here is concluded. I intend to return to Castle Wallace and my own people at once.”
A look of deep concern came upon him, and he gripped her hand all the more tightly.
“No, you…you mustn’t! Your presence here has lifted my spirits, and allowed me to heal beyond my wildest dreams. You have restored in me the hope for a long and fulfilling life and a return to my old self! I do not wish to be without you!”
“Those are sweet words indeed,” she replied, her tone softening slightly.
They had touched her more deeply than she would have cared to admit.
“And I can tell that you mean them. However, you have recently given up one dependency, and you must be wary of adopting another to replace it. You cannot come to lean upon me as if I were a crutch. You must be free to stand on your own, without me by your side.”
“But there is so much more to it than that, Edwina,” he insisted.
“I wish you to stay, not because I feel I cannot heal on my own, but…because I have come to adore you in a way I have never felt about anyone before. And, indeed, never thought I was capable of. Your presence has introduced me to the very best of myself, as only real love can. I wish to marry you.”
Edwina’s eyes widened. Was this a complete surprise to her?
Not his feelings, perhaps—not entirely. She had seen the way he’d looked at her ever since she’d taken the piece of metal from his leg.
His eyes had been filled with the most sincere devotion, and it had pleased her tremendously, mostly because when he smiled at her, he was perhaps the most handsome man she’d ever seen.
Free of the poison, he was charming and witty and seemed to admire her for who she was (rather than who he wished her to be, as most men had, in her experience).
But a proposal of marriage? It seemed so strange and sudden to her, and she was taken aback by it. She was unprepared, and so she clung to her dispassionate demeanor in the face of her panic.
“I know it must feel that way to you now,” she explained as calmly as possible, “and I suppose I should have expected it. In many cases such as yours, a wounded man will become enamored of the healer who liberated him from his suffering. You are mistaking gratitude for passion, and it is understandable, as well as forgivable. In time, however, you will come to see that—”
James shook his head firmly. “No, this is most certainly not that. Ever since you arrived here, you have proven yourself to be unlike any woman I have ever encountered. You do not build your life around trivialities and nonsense. Any other noblewoman in your position would busy herself with the usual trappings of privilege and idleness, but you have chosen to make your life matter by saving others. You are a true marvel, Edwina, and I would give anything in the world to be your husband.”
What shocked her most about this sudden offer was how tempted she was by it.
She, too, had developed feelings for James.
Despite her protestations to the contrary earlier when she was in the company of her sister, she could not deny the truth of it to herself.
In healing him, she had connected with him on a level she could never have imagined.
She found herself comforted by his presence and reluctant to leave him.
These feelings frightened her immensely, for to her, they represented a loss of control.
One she felt she could ill afford if she were to have a life of independence and self-determination.
She tried to tell herself that it would be the biggest mistake of her life to accept his proposal and thus shackle herself to a man for the rest of her days…
even though the idea that her loneliness could be at an end (for yes, she had felt a deep and penetrating loneliness, though she had never admitted it to herself) appealed to her more than she would have previously conceived.
She shook her head. “Marriage is not for me, James. You ought to find another woman to fall in love with. One who wants such things for herself. One who is not convinced that such endeavors are doomed to eventually fail.”
“Please consider it, Edwina,” he pleaded.
“I, too, always believed that I would spend the rest of my days unmarried, for I never dreamed I would find someone like you. I think that you fear your feelings for me, and as such, you are inclined to flee from them. I beg you to remain and face them instead. With me.”
Again, she felt the pull of his words, tugging on her heart and tempting her to stay here with him.
But she could not relent. Her sensible nature forbade it.
“I must return to my home,” she said quietly, taking her hand from his and turning to leave. “I am pleased that you are healed and wish you a healthy and happy life. But I cannot stay and share it with you. My place is not here.”
And with that, she left the room quickly before he could say something to change her mind.