Chapter 6
Maddie
Sesame chicken, soy and garlic permeate the condo as I stir the sauce with more force than necessary. I don’t know why I volunteered to cook dinner for Atlas. He’s the last person I’d want to cater to, yet here I am.
He breezed out of town yesterday and came back this morning. I know this because I got a short text from him: Have time to meet early evening?
And so now I’m about to learn his decision on whether he’ll honor Gray’s last wishes.
While he was off figuring things out, I did nothing but think about the same dilemma. I’m just as shocked by Gray’s request and it wasn’t until last night as I was lying in bed, that the full repercussions were starting to become apparent.
If Atlas and I co-parent Grayce, that means our lives will be entwined forever.
This is bothersome because I don’t know the man at all, and what little I have gleaned from our short interactions over the years, I don’t like him much.
I’ve tried to reflect on why that is, and nothing solid comes to mind.
Gray once told me when I was complaining about Atlas that I was jealous of him, and I was offended.
As if.
Regardless, the conclusion I came to last night was that I truly hope Atlas declines Gray’s request. I’m going to let him out of it graciously too.
I’ll make him feel good about the decision, and it will be the right decision.
He didn’t ask for fatherhood, whereas I gladly accepted the role of mom.
It’s not fair to him and I’m prepared to ease his guilt.
I guess that’s why I texted back to him, Sure. Come at 6 and we’ll talk over dinner.
Grayce is in her high chair, chubby fists full of Cheerios. Most end up on the tray or the floor, but she gets a few into her mouth and gnaws on them with her new baby teeth—two top center, two bottom center.
“Are those good, little beaver?” I ask, flooded with the love and joy I have for this baby. She’s literally what’s getting me through my pain.
There’s a knock on the door and I wipe my hands on a towel. Six p.m. on the dot. I’ll give him a bonus point for that as I appreciate punctuality.
I chide myself for smoothing my hair before reaching the door and when I open it, Atlas stands there, larger than life with a stuffed animal tucked under one arm. He lifts it sheepishly. “Got this for Grayce at the airport.”
“It’s cute,” I say, stepping back to allow him in.
He tilts the golden lion side to side, giving it a critical once-over. “It called to me. Or rather, roared to me.”
I refuse to let my lips twitch and instead head to the kitchen with Atlas on my heels.
He follows and I move to toss the fried chicken pieces in the sesame sauce. Atlas crouches in front of the high chair and wiggles the stuffed lion in Grayce’s view. With a Cheerio still stuck to her finger, she grabs at it while uttering a string of sounds that will soon become words.
“Those are some sticky digits.” He laughs, pulling the lion away. “Maybe we’ll save this for later.”
“Or,” I drawl, glancing over my shoulder at him, “you could clean her up.”
He freezes, fingers tightening on the toy. “Uh—what exactly am I supposed to do?”
I smirk to myself. “You’ll figure it out.”
There’s no doubt in my mind he’s not cut out for fatherhood and will be later advising me of same.
I watch from the corner of my eye as Atlas hesitates, then sweeps uneaten Cheerios into his palm before tossing them in the trash.
He grabs a paper towel, runs it under water and wrings it out.
His big hands are clumsy but careful as he wipes her face and tiny fingers.
“Okay. Cleaned. What else does she need?”
I frown because this doesn’t sound like a man who’s planning to say, Thanks but no thanks on your kind offer to be a dad.
“She needs a bottle,” I say, giving him a small taste of what it means to care for a baby.
He frowns. “She still drinks milk?”
“It’s infant formula. In addition to soft foods, that’s her main nutrition, but she’s almost old enough for whole milk.”
“Right. So, what do I do?”
Irritation bubbles within me, but I suppress it. I just need to let this play out so he’ll see he’s not cut out for playing house. “I have some bottles prepared in the fridge.”
“Doesn’t it need warmed?” he asks as he gets her formula.
“No. Just shake it well.”
He does, looking to me for approval like a kid being graded. “Do I, um… pick her up?”
“She can hold it herself.” My gaze cuts to Grayce whose eyes are tracking the bottle. “She’s smart and strong.”
“Of course she is,” he grumbles.
I busy myself getting the rice ready. Gray has an electric rice cooker that is a set-it-and-forget-it kind of thing, something I’ve come to appreciate since I started caring for Grayce. Simplicity and efficiency are my two best friends.
Atlas lifts Grayce out of the high chair and easily cradles her in the crook of his beefy arm. He looks a little too natural handing her the bottle, which she eagerly accepts, and rocks side to side on his feet as she drinks.
I settle back against the counter and feel a twinge in my chest. He looks right holding her—too right, and that doesn’t bode well for my future. But does it bode well for hers?
“Um, I think Grayce left a gift of gratitude in her diaper,” he says, nose wrinkling slightly. He pulls the bottle away, leans his face closer to her and grimaces. “Yup. Miss Poopy Pants in the house.”
“Here… let me have her,” I say, holding out my arms. “She just needs a change and then it’s bedtime. We can eat and talk after I get her down.”
Atlas smiles brightly. “Thank God you’re taking her. I was afraid you’d make me change the diaper.”
“Coward,” I mutter, heading down the hall, but I happily read into his disdain for poop to mean there’s no way he wants to take on the challenge of parenting a baby.
He trails after me and watches silently as I change her diaper.
I zip her into clean pajamas, noting the way her eyes are already heavy from the full belly of formula.
When I lie her in the crib, I plug my phone into the speaker on her dressing table and flip through a folder of MP4s.
A pause, then her father’s voice crackles through the room, horribly off-key as he sings “You Are My Sunshine.”
Atlas’s eyes widen. “That’s Gray.” Then his eyes shift to me with a smirk. “And wow. That’s…bad.”
“So bad,” I agree, then incline my head toward the baby. Her eyes are closed, her fist curled by her mouth. “But it works like a charm every time.”
Atlas inches toward the crib and peers in at Grayce. “When did he record that?” he asks softly.
“When the doctors told him that the treatment wasn’t working.
” My voice cracks slightly and I clear my throat.
“When it was clear that he was going to…” I can’t complete the sentence, even though it’s not only the truth, but it’s come true.
“He spent hours making videos, recording songs, pieces of advice, well wishes for important moments in her life. So she’ll always have him. ”
I dare to look at Atlas, and his eyes are misted, his smile steeped in love for his friend. We stand in silence watching Grayce sleep until Gray’s gravelly, off-key voice fades out.
“Come on,” I say, grabbing my phone. “Let’s eat.”
It takes no time at all to plate up the rice and sesame chicken. We sit at the table, both of us staring at our food but making no move to consume.
I put my fork down, not the least bit hungry because I can’t stand the not knowing. “Have you decided?” I ask.
His hazel eyes meet mine, steady and determined. “Yeah. I want to do as Gray asked. But I want to know how you feel about it.”
My heart sinks and a harsh laugh bubbles free. “How I feel? I’m basically going to be shackled to you for the rest of my life.”
Atlas blinks at the venom in my words. “I’m not that bad.”
“I don’t know if that’s true or not, but you do understand—this parenting thing is forever.
We are going to be forever together. Not only that but I don’t want to leave Chicago, and I know that’s the only option since you sure as hell can’t leave Pittsburgh.
But I’m going to be asked to give up my job, my entire life, here in Chicago and I didn’t ask for this. ”
“I’m sorry,” he says, and it sounds genuine. “And you’re right, you’d have to come to Pittsburgh as my job is tied to that city. But I could try to get a trade to Chicago.”
My jaw drops as I stare at him in disbelief. “You wouldn’t do that.”
“I’m saying I could try, but it wouldn’t happen anytime soon. Trades aren’t going to occur until after the playoffs. But if you’re set on living in Chicago, I will do what I can.”
“Why would you want to do that?” I ask suspiciously.
“I don’t want to do it,” he says. “I want to stay in Pittsburgh. I have a real connection with this team. But I also understand it’s not fair to ask you to give up your life.”
I let out a long exhale as he’s just taken the wind out of my indignant sails. He did the one thing that was guaranteed to get me to accept this foolish situation, and that was to validate my fears and offer a possible solution to them. I didn’t think he had it in him.
“And you’re sure about this,” I press, holding on to that tiny glimmer of hope that he’ll come to his senses. “Because if you can’t do it, Gray would understand. I know he would.”
“Yeah, I’m sure. There’s no other choice because I know Gray would have done it for me if the situation were reversed.”
“He wouldn’t be mad if you said no,” I insist. “You know that, right?”
“Yeah, I know,” he says, his expression hardening. “I’ve known Gray longer than you. I knew him better than anyone, so I know exactly how far his grace and generosity extended. It’s that bond that makes the decision fairly easy.”
My entire being settles into a pool of despair because Atlas just sealed my fate.
“So, I’m moving to Pittsburgh,” I say glumly, my head spinning with all that will entail. I’ll have to quit my job, get out of my lease, arrange for my stuff to be shipped.
“If you think about it,” he says, voice low but firm, “it makes sense. I’ve got the resources. The support system. Grayce would have stability, opportunity.”
Anger flares hot again. “Don’t you dare imply I can’t give her a good life.”
“I didn’t say that,” he shoots back. “I’m saying you wouldn’t be doing it alone. Pittsburgh gives us the best shot to do this together. And Gray wanted us to do this together.”
I shove rice around my plate, jaw tight. “Together. Right. Until you get tired of it. Until it interferes with your precious career. Then what?”
He leans forward, eyes burning into mine. “Why are you assuming the worst about me?”
“Because I don’t like you,” I snap.
“Well, I don’t like you either,” he retorts angrily.
“At least we agree on something.”
Atlas takes a deep breath and lets it out. His voice softens as if he’s trying to cajole a feral animal. “I won’t walk away, Maddie. I’m not built that way, and if you don’t believe me, believe Gray. He’d have never asked this of me if he didn’t think I could be a good father.”
The conviction in his voice rattles me, and I can’t ignore the simple fact that the only person in the world I trusted was Gray. If he thought Atlas was good enough for his daughter, then it had to be so, but I mask capitulation with a scoff. “You always get what you want, don’t you?”
“I didn’t want this,” he says, and I hear a different kind of grief in his voice.
He’s losing his life as he knows it. He’s giving up a lot to do this. I try not to let that soften me, but I do feel empathy for him.
Still don’t like him, but I understand his sacrifice.
“Fine,” I mutter, stabbing at a piece of chicken. “I’ll move to Pittsburgh. I’m probably going to need help finding a place as I don’t have a lot in savings. And until I find a job, I’ll need—”
“You and Grayce will move in with me,” he cuts in over my rambling.
“What?” I’m sure he understands the astonishment on my face.
“It’s the easiest solution and I have plenty of room. That way you don’t have to worry about finding a place, you save money, and it will make it easier for us to share duties. And frankly, I’m not ready to be a single dad just yet. I don’t even know how to change a diaper.”
I blink, unable to form words. He wants to live together?
“Maddie,” he says, and I blink again. “This will be what’s best for Grayce.
It will give her stability and consistency.
Once things get settled and we see how it all plays out, we can look for a place for you if you want.
But I have to be back by Monday for the start of the playoffs, so I need you and Grayce there and settled before then. Okay?”
I blink two more times and somehow manage to nod.
“Okay,” he says, relief evident on his face. He picks up his fork and spears a piece of chicken. “Let’s make a game plan.”
I listen to his ideas, still in a stupor over how fast things are changing.
I hadn’t expected this and admittedly, I’m reeling.
But deep down, I’m convinced he doesn’t really want this.
Not for the long haul. And when he proves me right, when he finally throws in the towel, I’ll be ready.
Grayce and I will pack up, walk away, and start our life on our own.