Chapter 25 #4
Grey clouds tumble in, blotting out the moon, rumbling with the fury building in my chest. Lightning flickers in the distance as shards of ice pelt from the sky, nipping at my skin in futile attempts to cool my boiling blood in his silence.
This is the second time he’s pulled me in with the energy between us just to get what he wants.
He asked me to fucking trust him, and I did. How fucking foolish. Lightning cracks outside the crater, splintering my soul into another fragment, blinded by pain that whips in the blizzard’s building wrath.
I manage the strength to finally walk away, and then I’m enveloped in black velvet smoke. There’s only darkness around me. Until I see him stepping out from the shadows, prowling towards me. I want to eviscerate him.
His shadowy figure reaches out to me, cupping my face in his hand.
Thunder roars along my bones at how safe his touch feels.
I hate myself for letting his touch soothe me in a way I can’t even begin to comprehend.
He may have saved my life, sitting guard over my unconscious body, but none of this makes sense, not after he continues to manipulate me.
His touch should bring me pain, not comfort.
He wraps his other arm around my waist, pulling me tight, all my sharp edges going blunt in my feeble efforts to push him away.
Silver tears pool in my eyes. How can I continue to let him touch me after what he did, yet again? Perhaps now I’m the tragic, fragile moth, attracted to the heat of his body’s embrace. A fire that will surely end me, but I fly towards it nonetheless.
“I’m sorry. I never wanted you to feel the pain you are feeling. You can trust me. But I will not take what is not mine.” He pauses, as if searching for the right words. “I shouldn’t have used what we share between us to bring out your power.”
With my hands still braced against his firm chest, I dare to look up at him. He gazes into my soul, considering me, like I’m simply the most astonishing being he has ever encountered. I falter in his embrace, but I steady myself for the answers I seek.
“Then why did you?”
“It was selfish of me. I never meant to take it that far. I promise my initial intentions were… well-mannered. I was only going to use the faintest touch to bring out your magic, to help you lose control just a little. Time is running out before the Celestial Bonding; you needed to release your magic. I didn’t mean to lose control in the process.
But… watching you reborn into the fury of your powers is a marvel unlike any other.
I became intoxicated by you, Luxsula. I couldn’t help myself. ”
“You keep pulling me into your snare, only to release me. Eventually, I will stop falling for your traps,” I whisper as warm tears slash my face.
He wraps his shadows around me, keeping me close. His hands free to clutch my face as his thumbs wipe my tears away.
His eyes pour into mine, unwavering, as if he holds my very soul in his palms. “I only wish to trap you for good. For once I have you, I will never let you go. You will be mine for eternity. Not even the Celestials themselves will pry you from my being. I refuse to take only part of you, if I cannot have all of you.”
His words are a blow to the head as all the pieces click into place. Too messy, too tender, too raw, too real.
The reason my sharp words seem to wound him more than she should.
One of the golden light strings slung around my heart freezes.
The reason for his terror when he held me dying in his arms.
The frost spreads, creeping along another golden thread.
The reason he kept pulling away from me.
Black ice races along the remaining golden strings, spreading like wildfire.
His distance after, knowing I didn’t feel the same for him.
The frozen golden threads of light around my heart quiver in an ache to give in to what he wants while my mind buckles, knowing I wasn’t made for such things.
Sully’s warped words from the Ethereal Maze of Whispers echo along the broken pieces of my soul like shrapnel. The strings shatter, climbing up my ribs in jagged ice, a glacial palace of frozen thorns.
You can never love or be loved. You beckon darkness to consume everything you hold dear. Fear coats everything in black frost.
I’m too terrified to find out if those words are true.
A risk I’m not willing to take, because if they are, the Fates will finally break me beyond repair.
As strong as I am, to give myself completely will take a strength I do not know.
How can someone who knows so little of love even begin to know how to give it to someone else?
The invisible tether between us loosens with my thoughts.
I peer up into his longing eyes. The crimson shimmers like his bleeding heart against the snowy background, consumed by a shadowy eclipse.
“I am sorry.” I exhale as my words push into his heart like my icepick dagger, agony washing over his face. Perhaps my real blade would have been a less cruel fate.
“I know,” he replies as he lets me go, and the shadows return to their host. Head bowed with the heaviness of his heart, he turns to face the buildings and holds out his hand.
“Come, Luxsula. Let me walk you to your room. It’s the least I can do. And please, don’t argue with me. I don’t have the strength for it. Give me this final gift.” Melancholy laces his every word.
I want to scream at myself for not being able to even try to give him what he wants. But I know I can’t.
Despite me stepping towards him, the distance grows between us. I grasp his hand tight, wishing I could be what he desires. Someone who understands emotional attachments, who can even dream of what love might be like.
His shadows creep out before us, taking the shape of a staircase, allowing us to walk out of the cavity I have created. The sky is still stormy, but it’s too cold now, even for snow.
As we step onto level ground, I know this is not the only crater I leave in my wake tonight.