Chapter 49 #2
“Is it possible my heart accepted the bond, but my mind didn’t? It would explain why I can feel his emotions but not hear his thoughts.” I raise my voice over the arguing around me.
“The bond is a connection of souls, transcending the corporeal: time, space, even dimensions. It’s your soul that accepts it, not your heart. You feel your pull to him in your chest because for your species, your heart is often more closely linked with your soul than your mind.”
“Well, what if a soul has been fractured? To survive. What if, when I dissociate, it’s more than my mind leaving my body, but a part of my soul, too?”
“That’s a thought.” Scáil lowers his head as if contemplating it further.
“Regardless, if you reject the bond now, both of you could very well die.”
“What?” I shout, then narrow my eyes on S?las.
He’s casually flicking off a piece of dust on his shoulder like I don’t exist. SHADOW PRICK!
Another thing he carefully avoided mentioning. He continues to ignore me, but I know he heard my thought because there is the subtlest tremble in his hand.
I walk over to him, ready to punch him in the face, but stop a few feet away. I know all too well the control he has over my traitorous body when it’s too close to him.
“S?las… is this why you kept wincing this morning?” I grit out.
He disappears into a cloud of smoky shadows, only to appear right next to me, leaning against Calais’ leg. His arms crossed against his broad chest.
“I do love the sound of my name on your lips, even when you’re cross,” he purrs, ignoring my question.
Calais shifts her weight, causing him to stumble. I shoot a smirk her way in thanks.
“I had my theories that something was off when I noticed the markings still on your skin last night while you were sleeping, and the fact your magic could actually hurt me during training today. Technically, your magic shouldn’t be able to hurt me if you love me and have accepted the bond completely. And if you want me to be truly honest?”
“Yes. Complete honesty.”
“I’ve been too busy enjoying every moment of you letting me in.
Every smile that sends the darkness in me shuddering for its life.
Every time you seek out my touch. I just want to be with you.
Yes, this bond links us, but even if it wasn’t there, it would not change how I feel about you.
Of course, I winced when I heard your thoughts of being good at blocking people out.
Because I know if you reject this bond now, it will likely kill you, too. ”
He sighs before continuing, “Prior to this, it would only be me suffering if you ignored the bond. But now… I hate that because I lost control, you now feel the same ache and longing in your chest.” His jaw clenches, hands raking through his raven hair.
“Before, at least, I could find comfort in your heart being full, even if it was not with me. But now, that will never be the case. You talk about fracturing your soul to survive, and I hate to think I could leave your heart fractured. I see flashes of your memories while you sleep. Things no child should have to survive. I understand why it’s so hard for you to accept love when you have experienced so little in your life.
When those you were entrusted to chose only to show you pain and suffering. As an innocent child.”
S?las begins pacing, as if he can’t contain all the emotions bouldering within him.
“You deserve to know what it is to be loved deeply, completely. Even if you don’t think you do.
Even if it’s not by me. I won’t lie to you, though: I want it to be me.
The thought of anyone else even touching you makes me want to do unspeakable things, but I would bear that torment if I knew you were happy and whole.
The idea that I somehow stole that possibility because your heart will always ache for me kills me.
I’m so sorry. If I had known this was possible… ”
He’s pacing again, arms wrapping around himself, as if they can hold him together. “I don’t know. Because I don’t regret a single second with you.” He finishes, looking lost in his thoughts as smoky shadows billow off his shoulders.
I can sense his guilt, longing, failure, feeling broken, his agony.
Son of a bitch. I am somehow messing this up as well. Today just isn’t my day when it comes to anything dealing with relationships.
I have to fix this.
I know if he continues down this spiral of self-flagellation, it will only end with both of us pushing each other away, and I don’t want to let that happen, even if being numb comes more naturally to me.
I may not know much about love, but I never thought it would be easy, and maybe that’s why I’ve never bothered to try.
Things are simpler when enjoying someone’s company just for pleasure; emotions and attachment are an unnecessary, sticky mess.
But if there’s anyone I’m going to figure out this mess for, S?las is certainly worth the risk. And I definitely can’t let him blame himself for losing control when it was me who had accepted this bond, even if only partially and unknowingly.
Something tells me that, even if I’d known the consequences, I still wouldn’t change a thing. Maybe I’m going mad, but Emberhell, it feels right.
Fuck it.
I may not be ready to fully accept this bond, but I’m willing to finally let him in.
Carefully unwrapping and baring all the vulnerable bits I keep hidden from the world.
To really give this relationship a try and stop overthinking every Celestials be dimmed thing.
I’ll never know if I can truly love someone unless I try, and if anyone is worth falling into the abyss for, certainly it’s my mate.
I don’t think I’ll ever truly understand the depth of our connection, but surely something so divine, infinite, and painfully irresistible is worth the risk?
I may not know how to love, but I’m willing to stumble through, trying to figure it out along the way. Plus, it seems like he has enough love for the both of us.
He’s always patient with me, pushing me to the best version of myself. Maybe this can actually work. Plus, I don’t mind putting those pretty decent teaching skills of his to a real test—learning how to love and be loved—and maybe one day, even learning how to accept this bond fully.
He continues to pace, clearly so lost in his own stormy thoughts, he hasn’t heard mine.
My hands reach out, grabbing his arms, pulling them around my waist. My touch causes shock to wave over his face. He definitely isn’t expecting this. I lift my hand to his cheek.
His face falls naturally into my palm, as if it’s his home. I clear the wavy raven locks from in front of his closed eyes. His sorrow pools over me as he nuzzles his cheek deeper, pulling me closer.
He’s fearful this will be the last time he will hold me like this.
“Don’t be ridiculous.” I smirk.
At that he opens his eyes, ice blue piercing through long black lashes and so much darkness.
“I guess that means you’re stuck with me, then.” I wink, hoping my attempt to mimic his flirtations will pry him out of the darkness.
His lips crash into mine. The world melting away around us.
My lips part for him without thinking. He devours me like a male who has been starved his whole life.
His one hand making its way through my iridescent hair, pulling my head back to deepen the kiss.
Our tongues dancing with desire and longing.
I unshackle my magic, wildly colliding with his shadows, an indescribable sensation. Our powers caressing together like souls embracing one another. A touch so deep. So intimate.
The euphoria makes me weak in the knees as I lean back to gasp a moan, but S?las only pulls me back, capturing my pleasure in his mouth. A satisfied sound rumbles through his chest into mine.
The liquid heat throbbing between my legs spills into my blood, igniting it on fire. The ground lifts beneath my feet, as if we’re floating upwards.
His lips on mine make the world feel like it’s falling away beneath us. As if our connection transcended this very world, as if we’re meant for something more. I savor the taste of him, like a warm spring rain after a bitter winter. Full of life, hope, sunshine, and warmth.
His lips are a promise of undying love, a consecration to reforge me into more than I can ever comprehend. The power between us vowing to remake the heavens. Shatter worlds and recreate them.
Deep in my soul, I know there’s nothing we cannot achieve together.
The taste of his essence on my lips melts me into molten iron, ready to take shape into the deadliest weapon if anyone is to tear him away from me.
“You two are going to float away.” Calais huffs in annoyance.
I pry my lips away from S?las to see we are, indeed, floating high above them. My marks glowing with white light surrounded by rays of twinkling pastel rainbows. It reminds me of starlight.
I look at S?las, whose gaze is fixed on me, lust, love, awe swirling in his eyes. While I’m still panting from the world-altering kiss lingering on my lips, I begin to grasp my need to be so protective over him earlier today. My power slowly lowers us to the ground as he leans his forehead to mine.
“I would destroy galaxies to protect you,” I whisper.
“I dare say, Savaé, are you flirting with me? We’re going to need to work on those skills.” He moves his head slightly back to give me one of his dashing winks.
“Well then, I’ll need to find a new teacher,” I tease, scrunching my nose at him and giving him a playful flick on his.
“Always out for blood, hmm, little savage?”
I had almost been out for blood today when I saw Winx trying to hurt him. If I feel this way only having accepted the bond partially, then this is going to affect us on the battlefield.
We definitely need to discuss this with the rest of the Zenith because this pertains to their lives, too. I know Kivi and Atlas will urge me to accept the bond so S?las and I can wield together. But if he isn’t making me choose, then neither can they.
“You’re right. We do need to fill Atlas and Kivi in on you being able to partially accept the bond because now, both our lives are at stake.
The others deserve to know. There’s no going back now.
I’ll send them a whistle note to meet us at our room for dinner on the balcony.
That will give us more privacy and allow Pip more time to stretch his wings. ”
It warms my heart that he doesn’t just think of my needs, but Pip’s, too.
No wonder he likes him. I’ve never had need of using a whistle note before.
It’s a type of air magic; you whistle, say your message, and focus on the recipients while you whistle a second time to send the message on its way.
You feel a tingle on your ear each time the message makes it to its recipient.
It’s not a very secure message system because they’re easy to intercept and require focus to cast, especially when it’s to our entire Zenith. It’s convenient for one person and over short distances. I often hear whistles zipping by in the halls of campus.
I pat Scáil goodnight on the chest; when I go to do the same on Calais’ leg, she almost snaps my arm off. Typical.
I treasure watching them fly together. There’s no doubt of their love. They spin and swirl around one another, dipping and weaving amongst the clouds. Surely if someone as rough as Calais can love deeply, so can I.
Inspired by the thought, I intertwine my fingers with S?las’. He responds with a sweet kiss to the top of my head as we walk back to campus.