chapter nineteen Queer Enough
chapter nineteen
Queer Enough
My front door opens and I sit up so quickly my head spins. I’m disoriented, looking about my living room in confusion. It’s
light outside. I must have passed out on the couch after a much-needed cry session. After Lex left, all I could muster was
self-medicating with carbs, sugar, and an old Ben Stiller rom-com—anything to distract me from the pain of watching Lex walk
away from me after confessing my love for her.
Tentative steps echo down the stairway before Lex appears at the bottom, coffees and a brown paper sack smelling of cinnamon
in hand. My heart swells at the sight of her, and it’s all I can do not to leap from the couch and sweep her into a hug. She
hasn’t abandoned me—of course, she wouldn’t.
“Do you not lock your door?” she chastises. “I could have been anyone.”
I huff a laugh as I rub crusts from my eyes. “I forgot.”
Lex regards me for a long moment. “Did you sleep on the couch last night?”
“Maybe,” I say, drawing the blanket over my threadbare top. “What are you doing here?”
Lex comes around the side of the couch and sits on the edge of the cushion, setting her items on the coffee table among the
detritus of my sad-girl binge-fest before resting her forearms on her knees. She keeps her eyes fixed on the floor, and for
a moment I wonder if she heard me. “I’m sorry I left last night. I needed to think.”
I nod. “Me, too.”
“Did you mean what you said?” she asks, her voice low and quiet.
I nod again. Lex looks up at me, catching the movement, before returning her gaze to the floor. “I’m sorry,” I say, my voice
wavering.
“Don’t be sorry for that,” she says. “Don’t ever be sorry for speaking your truth.”
“But I ruined everything.” My throat constricts as the tears from last night threaten to reappear.
Lex’s hand lifts, hovers over my leg, and then she places her hand atop my knee, sending a rush of warmth cascading along
my skin.
“Look at me,” Lex whispers.
I bite my lip. Shake my head. I can’t. If she looks into my eyes right now, I’m sure she’ll see my soul. I’m too vulnerable
and raw.
“Look at me,” she says again, louder, more commanding.
I draw my eyes to hers, and suck in a sharp breath. Lex holds me in her gaze with such affection, such care, such longing, it makes my chest ache.
“You could never ruin anything,” Lex says.
A surprised laugh bubbles up inside me. “Are you kidding? I ruin everything.”
Lex’s dimples flash as she smiles and shakes her head, shifting closer. “Not this. Never this.”
“But I fucked it all up,” I try to explain. “We can’t be friends if I’m in love with you. It will never work.”
“Don’t you see?” Lex’s brow furrows as she shakes her head. “I’ve been in love with you this whole time.”
My heart stammers in my chest as my peripherals go hazy, my focus on Lex becoming all-encompassing. There’s no way I heard
her right. I swallow. Lick my lips. Shake my head. “What?”
Lex takes a moment to gather her thoughts, thumb stroking over my knee. “I felt drawn to you right from the very beginning.
When the zipper incident happened, yes it was terrible, but you took charge and did everything you needed to make sure we
got the help we needed. You didn’t have to stay at the hospital, but you did. You didn’t leave until you knew we were both
okay, despite how uncomfortable it was.”
“Felt like the right thing to do,” I mumble. “I thought you hated me. You were so annoyed—and rightfully so!”
“Yeah, annoyed that I thought you looked so beautiful even after everything that happened.” Lex smiles.
My chest aches. “You thought I was beautiful?”
Lex’s tone and eyes soften as she continues.
“And then we became friends after you returned my jacket and . . . right away, I knew there was something different about our friendship. Maybe it was the circumstances that brought us together, or maybe it was that there was something inside me that recognized you on a level I’ll never fully comprehend.
There was no being on our best behaviour, or trying too hard, or anything else fake that I’ve had to put up with my whole life.
And even though we’d just met, I’d never felt so safe being vulnerable with someone else.
It’s like you truly saw me when no one else had taken the time to look.
You made me feel comfortable being myself and figuring out who that was after years of pretending to be someone I’m not. ”
The depth of her confession is still sinking in when Lex takes both my hands in hers, then rests them on my thighs. Her skin
is soft, fingers dainty, grasp careful.
“The more dates we went on the harder it was to be there for you,” she explains. “Watching men treat you poorly when I knew
I could do so much better was its own form of torture. But I didn’t think you’d ever see me like that. So, I tried to move
on, compartmentalize. To put the feelings I had for you away so we could just be friends. I even tried dating other people.”
I shake my head, realization sinking in. “I’m such a fool. All this time, you and me . . . we could have . . .”
Lex’s dimples make a beautiful appearance as a smile lights up her face. “Let’s not waste any more time.”
I don’t. Before I can overthink it, or worry about something going wrong, or wonder if she wants this as badly as I do, I
lean across the space between us and press my lips to hers. Lex meets me, her mouth soft and plush and warm and everything. I’ve had lots of first kisses in my life, but never before has anything ever felt close to this. Yes, there’s heat and yearning
and want, but there’s also an incredible sense of comfort. A first kiss with Lex feels like jumping off a high dive, feels like stars
exploding in the vast reaches of space . . . feels like coming home.
Despite how incredible this moment is, a brain cell clicks on and I manage to pull myself away from Lex just long enough to
ask one cautious question. “Lynn?”
“Ended things,” Lex says. “Olsen?”
I shake my head, nuzzling my nose against hers as I do. “Same.”
I kiss her again, and Lex cups the base of my neck like she’s scared I’ll suddenly change my mind.
My skin ignites at her touch, searing points at each of her fingertips where she holds me in place, as she moulds her lips to mine in a tender embrace.
My body folds into hers, grasping at her clothes, eager to feel her body against mine.
Our lips part just long enough to breathe, a quick gasping intake of air, before they meet again and again.
Lex gently pulls away and rests her forehead against mine as we catch our breaths.
“Wow,” I manage to say, still gripping her jacket in my fists.
“Wow,” she agrees, huffing a quiet laugh.
“I never want to stop kissing you,” I murmur.
“Me either,” she says.
But kissing her isn’t enough. I want to pull Lex closer, to feel the weight of her body on mine, to have her skin bare for
me with nothing between us. I want to know how she tastes.
“I want to hold you,” I say, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.
She nods. “Me, too.”
“The bed?” I ask.
Lex regards me a long moment, then nods.
I thread my fingers through hers as I stand. Her hands are so soft and dexterous, and our fingers fit together perfectly.
I tug her gently toward the bedroom, keeping my eyes affixed to hers as she follows, watching for any sign of hesitation,
finding none. When we step into the darkened room, I release her hand and we make our way to opposite sides of the bed.
Wordlessly, Lex slips off her jacket and drapes it over the nightstand on her side.
I follow suit, releasing the blanket I have wrapped around my shoulders and letting it pool around my feet.
I keep my eyes on Lex—her turn to remove another article of clothing.
She unbuttons her pants, bending slowly as she shimmies them over her wide hips and generous ass, down to her feet, where she tugs them off gracefully and folds them, joining them with her jacket.
Her shirt is loose and long, covering her body just below her panties, leaving me aching to see more.
I bend at the waist, pulling my sweatpants down, standing on one leg to slip them over my ankle, but greatly overestimate my gracefulness and stumble backward into my dresser.
Lex takes a step, as if she’s going to launch herself over the bed to catch me before I fall. “You alri—”
“Yep,” I interrupt, hopping on one foot to get my pants off before standing back upright and tossing them carelessly onto
the pile of laundry in the corner.
She fiddles with the hem of her top. “I think shirts on?”
As much as I want to have Lex bare for me and feel every inch of her skin pressed against mine with no barriers, I agree that
this is probably for the best.
Lex expertly reaches behind herself to unclasp her bra and slide the straps through the arms of her shirt. She places it on
top of her neatly folded pile of clothes before peeling back the sheet on my bed. I follow her lead, slipping under the blanket
at the exact moment she does. We pull the covers up to our chests, roll onto our sides, and look deep into each other’s eyes,
only an inch between us.
Tentatively, I slip a foot toward her. Lex responds by sliding her toes up my calf. I inch a bit closer, and Lex and I take
turns doing this until we’re nose to nose, hands clasped between us, knees touching.
“Hi,” I whisper.
The shadows of her dimples become visible as she smiles, cast in shades of navy and grey. “Hi,” she breathes.
I can’t believe I’m here. My entire body tingles with a feeling I can’t quite place.
Not nervous energy. Not butterflies. But an odd sense of calm.
Like everything I’ve done in my life has somehow, haphazardly, led me to this point, and I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.
If there is such a thing as a perfect moment, I’d expect I’d receive very few of them in my lifetime.
This . . . this is one of those times. And god, we’re barely touching.
“I can’t believe this is real.” I whisper my words like they’re a confession.