chapter eighteen Lesbianing TM #2
“What’s wrong?” Lex asks, taking a cautious step forward. There’s no evidence of her dimples right now, just a delicate furrow
to her brow, eyes rounded with concern. “What happened back there?”
I bite my lip. Hard. “We can talk about it tomorrow.” Yes. Good. Be a responsible adult.
Lex steps a bit closer, and I respond by taking a step back, my keys tinkling as I hug them to my chest. I can’t be near her
right now. Not with how fucking cute she looks in her Carhartt jacket, how her shirt drapes over her breasts and tugs tightly
over her belly. I don’t want to know if she’s wearing special panties for her date tonight, if she planned on Lynn seeing
them rather than me. Of course she wouldn’t want me to see—I’m her best fucking friend, not her lover.
Lex approaches me an inch at a time with her hands raised, palms in front of her, like I’m a frightened baby bear on the side
of the road whose head’s got stuck in a peanut butter jar. “Did Olsen do something? Are you hurt? Did something awkward happen?
Whatever it was, he’s really concerned. He called me right away and asked me to check on you. I’m sure we can figure out a
way to fix it.”
“I don’t want to fix it.” I look back to my keys and flip through them, finally navigating to the one I need, and wriggle
it into the old, sticky lock. I open the door and slip into my entryway, but Lex’s palm keeps the door open.
“It can’t be that bad,” she says, grabbing me by the shoulder and twisting me around to look into her eyes.
Between her cologne, the zing of electricity I feel with her fingers against my skin, and her intense gaze on me, it’s way too much.
All I want to do is launch myself at her, to press her against the door, to feel her in my arms and tell her the deepest secrets of my heart.
But I can’t, because that would be the end of our friendship.
But the end is already here, isn’t it? No matter what I do or say tonight, tomorrow, next week, my feelings for her have changed things between us.
I can’t possibly harbour a secret love for her and continue with what we’re doing.
I can’t lie to her, or to myself, and pretend that sitting on the couch drinking wine and watching movies is simply platonic, or that she’s not the best fucking part of my day even with a quick text checking in to see how I’m doing, or looking forward to a simple outing with her more than the most extravagant date any guy could come up with.
I close my eyes and let my head drop back to the wall behind me.
“Look, whatever it is, we’ll figure it out.” Lex’s voice is soft and soothing, but does nothing to slow my pounding heart.
“Tomorrow I’ll come over and we’ll analyze the date and see where things went wrong and try again.”
I don’t want to try again. I’m done trying.
“And if Olsen’s not the one for you, then maybe someone else,” Lex continues. “You met lots of cool people on those dates.
Cowboy Guy was really nice.”
I wrench away from Lex and cross my arms like a shield over my chest. “No. Definitely not.” The idea of going on a date with
anyone other than Lex makes me sick to my stomach.
“Okay, not Cowboy Guy.” She takes a slow step toward me. “Maybe Yoga Guy? What if we—”
“It’s you, Lex!” I blurt before slapping my hands over my mouth.
Lex takes a step back, nearly tripping on my door jamb. Her eyes are wide, lips parted. Neither of us breathe. We don’t move.
Then, finally, she manages in a shaky voice, “What do you mean?”
I suck in a sharp, painful inhale. “It’s you. You’re the one who . . . I . . .” I can’t bring myself to say the words. Not
when I know she doesn’t feel the same way. It’s like ripping my heart out of my chest and throwing it off a fucking cliff
into a swamp filled with piranhas.
“Never mind. Lynn’s waiting for you,” I sniff, struggling to maintain some semblance of composure.
But Lex can’t leave it alone. Of course she can’t. I can’t just drop something like that on her and expect her to shrug it off and walk away and go back to her date.
“She can wait,” Lex says quietly. Her eyes are grey in the dim light, but even still I can feel their intensity piercing deep
into my soul and reading me far better than a polygraph ever could. “What do you mean by that? ‘It’s you’? I need you to be
very fucking clear right now.”
“We’ll talk about it in the morning.” I try to nudge her out the door, but she doesn’t budge.
“We’ll talk about it now.”
I rub my eyes, wishing I could undo what I said and stop myself from ruining my life, like I always do. “It’s nothing, I’m
tired.”
“Don’t give me that. If anything I deserve your honesty, and right now I need you to be totally and completely honest—”
I cut her off, my voice cracking. “I love you! Okay?”
Lex blinks several times. Neither of us move.
I’ve said this much—may as well get it all out now rather than drag it on and delay the inevitable. Keeping my voice low,
but unable to stop it from shaking, I lock eyes with her so she can see the truth in everything I say.
“These past few months I’ve been on a lot of dates with a lot of different people, people that I should have been attracted
to and intrigued by and wanting to spend more time with. But I wasn’t. Every conversation I had with someone else, I was wondering
what you’d say, what interesting anecdote you’d tell me . . . I could hear your voice in my head and it would always make
me smile. At the end of every date, all I wanted was to be with you. Whenever I was out with a guy all I could think about
was getting to spend time with you after—eating ice cream or getting a cheeseburger, or relaxing on my couch with a glass
of wine and takeout and an old movie, or making dinner for you and Gabe.
You were the best part of every single one of those dates.
” I swallow past the lump in my throat, my heart aching.
“I don’t want to go on dates with anyone else.
And I don’t want to just be friends with you, Lex.
I can’t be. I want so much more than that. ”
Lex steps back outside and turns away from me, one hand on her hip and the other on her forehead.
“I know. It’s so messed up. But, Lex, I—” I follow her into the backyard and reach for her, but she withdraws, pulling away
like I’m a snake, and fuck if this isn’t more painful than all the rejections I’ve faced on all my terrible dates combined. Tears burn behind my eyes
but I force them back, choking on them.
“Sorry.” Lex’s voice is thick as she battles with her own emotions. “I just . . . I need some time to think.”
“Of course,” I sniffle, barely breathing.
Then, without even looking me in the eye, Lex turns and leaves me all alone in the empty doorway with nothing but my naked
confession and a cracked-open heart. The moment I hear the gate click softly behind her I collapse against the wall and slide
down to the ground. The tears I’d worked so desperately to hide finally spill down my cheeks. A sob racks through my body
like I’ve just lost the love of my life and best friend all in a single moment of selfish stupidity.
Because that’s exactly what I’ve done.