19 Dane
Dane
I STARE OUT THE window of my office, the mid-morning sun streaming through the glass panes. The sunny day doesn’t match my thoughts because I’m unsure of myself and brooding like a grumpy asshole.
Fuck, it’s been a long time since I’ve felt this way, since I’ve felt like I’ve failed a submissive the way I failed Lindsey.
I let my attraction to her cloud my judgment, and I’ve slipped up, not only in not giving her clear instructions and boundaries but also in our interactions.
I should never have asked her to tell me what she imagined.
I should have done what I always do on the occasion a submissive has a sexual desire or fantasy and gently diverted away from it. Instead, I had her lean into it.
Her response eased my disappointment alright, but it also made me feel like a horny shithead, like I was a captive to my baser instincts and couldn’t fucking control myself around her.
It’s not a feeling I like, and it never has been.
Feeling out of control reminds me of how I felt as a child, and it upsets me.
I also called her baby, a nickname I reserve for my online persona to call the internet at large, never a submissive I’m working with. The moment I said it, it felt right, and it’s why I didn’t react in the moment. It should have been my hint to stop the conversation, but I didn’t.
I feel drawn to Lindsey, and I crave her now, more than I crave a good run or the taste of rich cognac. Cognac the color of her eyes, which always suck me in.
My phone buzzes in my pocket, and as if she sensed I was thinking about her, there’s a message from her waiting for me. I tap it open, going against the itch inside my gut that tells me to deny myself, to put some distance between us.
Lindsey
Good morning, Sir. I hope you slept well. I woke up this morning and did not hit snooze on my alarm. I did my stretching and journaling on the questions you sent me. I’ll email them to you in a minute.
Me
I’m happy to hear that. How do you feel?
Lindsey
Still a little tired but good. I needed to sleep.
Me
You work very hard, and your body deserves rest. Do you need time for a nap later today?
Lindsey
Are you enforcing a nap time, Sir?
I chuckle to myself because I know she said that with no less than a little sass.
Me
I wasn’t, but now I am.
Lindsey
Are you serious?
Me
I don’t say things I don’t mean.
Lindsey
I can try to fit one in.
Me
You will if I say you will.
I expect a sassy answer again or for her to say something along the lines of “I’m not a child” even if she is acting like one. But that’s not what I get.
Lindsey
Okay, if you are asking me to, I will.
Pleasure from her submission washes through my body, and I ease back in my chair.
Me
Find a time in your plans today to sleep, Lindsey. Your body, your mind, your health; they’re as important as those you take care of if not more.
Lindsey
It’s difficult with what I do and taking care of Kas.
I think of the little girl I met at the obstacle course the other day. Smart as a whip, sassy like Lindsey. I have no doubt she has her hands full with her. I think of her brother and wonder about her family and Kas’s dad. Does she have anybody to help her?
Me
Do you have help with childcare?
Lindsey takes a moment to respond, the bubbles dancing for some time before her answer comes through.
Lindsey
It’s…a long story. I can share another time, but long story short, I do have help, though I feel guilty asking for more.
Me
Tell me why you feel guilty.
Lindsey
I have a neighbor, a teenage girl, who watches Kas, but I mentioned money is a little tight for various reasons. Then there’s my brother, Nathan, who’s engaged to Fox and Morgan. The three of them help with Kas a lot, but they have their own lives, you know?
Me
Have they expressed that they don’t like helping you?
Lindsey
No, the opposite. Nathan said he wants to help more during the summer, but he’s already done so much. I feel like shit taking more from him.
Me
But he’s offered his help?
Lindsey
He has. He told me to send him a calendar so we can make a plan.
Me
Did you send the calendar?
I ask the question although I know what her answer will be. Lindsey wants help, but she doesn’t want to ask for it or take it when it’s offered. Her pride is admirable but has no place here.
Lindsey
It’s not that easy.
Me
That isn’t what I asked. Did you send the calendar, yes or no?
Lindsey
No.
Me
Send Nathan your calendar, and I’d like a screenshot when it’s completed. Have you had your coffee yet this morning?
Lindsey
No, why?
Me
You will not have your morning coffee until your calendar is sent to your brother. Is that understood?
There’s silence, and I know I’ve chosen the right consequence for her. Eventually, an answer comes through.
Lindsey
I’ll do it now.
Me
I’m here to make your life easier. To take care of you when you can’t take care of yourself. This is me doing that.
Lindsey
Thank you, Sir.
A few minutes later, a screenshot of the email to Nathan with a time stamp is sent through, and not long after, she sends me a picture of her drinking a cup of coffee. There’s a demure smile on her face and a light in her eyes that wasn’t there yesterday. She does look tired, but she looks happy.
Satisfaction pools in my chest at her obedience, and if she were here in front of me, I would have rewarded her with a kiss that made her knees weak.
Me
That’s my good girl.
I typed and sent the message as if it were a knee-jerk reaction. My heart stops beating, and I know I’ve fucked up again. “Good girl” is one thing—“that’s my good girl” is another.
Lindsey responds a moment later with a smiley face emoji, the one that’s blushing. I turn my head to the ceiling and let out a groan of frustration. My dick is threatening to tent my fucking pants, and the urge to run it out overtakes me as quickly as my urge to say inappropriate things to Lindsey.
I stand, making my way through my cabin and entering my room.
I remove my pajama pants and throw on a pair of running shorts, a T-shirt, and socks.
A couple of minutes later, I’ve sucked down electrolytes and put my running shoes on.
I swing open my door and inhale the mountain air, my body feeling better as I fill my lungs with the scent of summer.
My feet pound on the ground, and I get lost in the rhythm of it.
My heart beats loud, and my breath comes hard.
My lungs burn, and I keep running. I pass tree after tree as my eyes track the ground for rocks and fallen branches.
The ground is rich, and there’s green grass, various plants, and earthy soil on the forest floor.
Before I can stop it, the beautiful brown color of Lindsey’s eyes invades my mind, and I almost trip.
I come to the fork in the path ahead of me, and instead of taking the one I know will lead me home, I take the one that will lead me to the only person I know I can talk to: Fox.