Chapter 4
four
DJ
If it weren’t for his phone reminding him that he a standing Sunday date with Big Mama he would’ve slept through the alarm, first and second service.
The last time he did that, she was parked sideways in his driveway attempting to find a way in to make sure nothing had happened to him.
The terror in her eyes made him vow to himself to never put her through that again.
So if taking her to church meant losing out on sleep would keep that terror at bay, he’d miss out on sleep.
Maybe they trauma bonded but they were – for a while – the only anchor the ones gone the other had.
His heavy hand patted the other side of the bed he found his phone and stopped the alarm.
It took a few minutes for him to shake the sleep from his being and get out of out the bed.
After stretching and wishing for more sleep, he trekked to the bathroom to ready himself for church.
Dressed in a dress shirt, slacks and his chain and gun tucked he was out the door and enroute a few blocks over to the house that used to make his heart race.
When he arrived, Big Mama was stepping out of the house dressed to the nines as if she could sense he was close by. It was the fourth Sunday, she was dressed down in a casual dress and how somehow was going to manage to outdress the rest of the elder women at church.
“None of those fly hats today?” DJ asked meeting her at the bottom stare and reaching for her hand.
“And cover up my good hair? I think not. Maybe next week,” she sassed holding on to his hand as he assisted her to the SUV. “Thank you for coming to get an old lady.”
“It’s just us?” he posed looking back toward to the door hoping to see Nyna.
“Mmhmm. She needs to rest,” Big Mama replied climbing inside and looking at him. “You do too. I can watch online.”
“Nah, you already put that ‘fit on and everyone needs to see it. I’ll be cool.”
“Fall asleep in service and I’m recording it and showing everyone who will watch,” she shared before pulling the door closed.
DJ drove her to church, participated in the praise and worship with her and honestly this was the only thing that kept him from turning back to the streets.
No one had ever showed him how to be a man.
He learned how from the streets. Big Mama gave him nourishment.
Nyna and those eyes gave him purpose. Charlie could’ve called him whatever he wanted, what mattered is that he knew he was meant for Nyna and he wouldn’t allow anything to stand in the way of that.
He knew when she left in a tearful goodbye that she would be back and he’d be ready for her.
Big Mama called his attendance at Greater Hope Temple of Praise his time to prepare himself to lead and control himself and lead a family.
She’d tell him, “I know what kind of woman I raised, she needs a leader not because she’s weak, but because she can do it all on her own and if you can’t lead her she has no use for you. ”
He found it funny but the honesty was on point.
Nyna was a leader and a woman who could figure it out without much help.
What got him remotely close to stealing her heart, like he did cars, was that he offered her a solution before she could see the problem.
He offered her safety before she could feel the flames of danger.
He offered her space and stillness before the chaos started to war.
And then there was a point where there wasn’t anything he could do. Not just for her, for him too.
That space in his life was dark – weighted.
Big Mama’s, “well” In agreement with whatever the bishop said brought him out of his head and his mind off of Nyna for a moment.
“You got to forgive yourself for the things you were never meant to control. You got to let that stuff go. Yeah, it happened, yeah it hurt but somethings aren’t on you.
You got give it to God. He’s already given you the tools just turn it over.
We weren’t made for a life or worry and dismay.
Yes, trials and tribulation is going to come.
Yes, heartbreak and agony are going to come but you cannot control it.
What you can control is your reaction and who you give it too.
There’s isn’t anything too hard for God to work out. ”
Big Mama noticed how his attention peaked and lowly pointed to the scripture in the open bible on her lap.
Psalm 34: 17-18. DJ removed the bible from her lap and read the verses for himself.
When he was done, he pulled in a deep breath and let the things that kept him up at night fall from his shoulders.
As if she knew just what to do, she squeezed his hand and winked at him. After another hour of service, the pair was headed to the grocery store for last minute things Big Mama swore she just had to have. What she wanted was to guide him over to the bouquets of flowers.
“You know Nyna loves the dusty pink roses and ranunculus. Would you look at that, there they go,” she buzzed before wandering off.
“You know it didn’t take all of that,” DJ spoke with amusement.
The day before when he spotted them he thought about how Nyna’s eyes would light up and then her smile would radiate making her eyes almost disappear when he gave her flowers.
He was cool about it. As if it didn’t take much thought, he saw them and got then.
Phoenix would talk shit to him the whole ride home.
“You get that girl flowers because it’s Tuesday and she won’t even kiss your pretty ass for real.
” Or, “are these going to be the flowers that get you out the friendzone?” and his favorite, “nah, nigga you can’t give her the thank you for a good night flowers yet.
Y’all damn near grown and haven’t even held hands. ”
DJ laughed to himself before groaning at the thought of his brother. The grief came in waves but over the years he learned to grow around it. He refused to let it take over his weeks and months or pull him back into a place that would in turn cost him his life too.
“You wild nigga. Miss you man,” he grumbled to himself grabbing a vase of flowers one for Nyna and the other for Big Mama and roamed to the front of the store where he knew she was. “Always trying to pay for your stuff.”
“I didn’t pay for it,” Big Mama stated with a coy smirk on her face.
DJ’s brows furrowed and he looked around at the packed bags and cashier handing her the receipt and change. Out the front windows of the store he caught Deacon Morris strolling to his Cadillac.
“Ahh, I see you,” DJ quipped. “You still got it don’t you?”
“Baby, I never lost it,” Big Mama said with a smile as she placed the extra money in her purse.
Once the cashier rang him up he grabbed her bags and the flowers and they were on their way back to the house.
Big Mama roamed down the hall to change and check on her pots.
DJ positioned the flowers on the table and the other in front of Nyna’s door and waited.
In his wait he dozed off, the sleepiness finally finding him again.
Unsure of how long he’d been sleep he heard the two words he was listening out for.
“Oh shit,” was hissed from Nyna lowly barely missing the vase of flowers.
He sat up attempting to shake the sleep from his body as Nyna walked down the hall with it in her hands.
“Somethings don’t change, huh?” she softly asked, safely a few feet away.
DJ rose to his feet and looked down at her. Her hair wild and free. The shirt barely hanging on to her shoulders and pair of shorts peeking from under the bottom of it. There were some scars and faded marks over her legs but it didn’t take away from how breathtaking she was – how she’d always been.
“Somethings are constant,” he replied finally finding her eyes. “You’ve been missed.”
Her lips quivered into a barely there smile before it fell. “Wasn’t sure if I’d ever make it back. Too afraid to see how things changed or remained the same. Thank you for looking after her.”
“I told you I would. I meant that.”
Her eyes fell to her toes. “I’m the only one who didn’t keep my word, huh?”
DJ spoke and her body listened. “Eyes up. Don’t drop them.”
She gave him her eyes again.
“Once you got with buddy I wasn’t pressed. I get it. I didn’t make a move for real,” DJ wasn’t going to beat around the bush. However she took this was how she’d take it. But this time around he wanted to make sure that he was completely clear.
“Dom, we don’t have to do the replay. We were friends,” Nyna said placing the flowers on the table.
“You got to be for real with yourself and me,” he stated making her laugh in muted frustration.
“I can say the same to you…that night,” she said before sighing. “It doesn’t matter. Thanks for the flowers.”
He trailed her with his eyes as she roamed into the kitchen to check the pots she’d been handling all morning from the looks of it. Soon after his feet followed his eyes and he leaned in the threshold. “That night matters. It was the beginning.”
“And then it ended and it took people away from us. So it doesn’t matter.”
“It matters,” he stated again. “I didn’t say nothing I didn’t mean. Unless you forgot. And judging by the last three years you been away, you forgot.”
“Because I lost my sister and moved away I forgot? I didn’t forget, Dom. I wanted to. I prayed that shit away. The way…”
“Nyna, come help me. You up?” Big Mama’s voice called zapping the words and letting the tension replace it.
Nyna stopped talking and when back to stirring the pot while DJ stood there with a locked jaw. Big Mama roamed into the kitchen spotting the two in a silent standoff. She hummed and nudged Nyna toward DJ.
“Go talk to him. It’s so much tension in here y’all gonna mess up my food,” Big Mama muttered.
“I’m-”
Big Mama looked at DJ zapping Nyna’s attempt to recover where it stood. “Take her out back and talk.”