Chapter 40
Annie
Luke texted me that he was going back into Lenny’s today, and that he wouldn’t be home when I got home.
Seeing that gave me mixed feelings.
My mind had to focus on everything being thrown at me for this new rotation at the animal clinic I started at this week, but it kept going back to Luke.
I couldn’t keep my thoughts straight, and even on my way home, I’m reeling over how he’s doing, how he’s feeling, what’s going through his head.
When Drew and Mia confronted me at Lenny’s, it really made me take a step back and reevaluate my job as a supportive partner to Luke.
Luke has always been the one to tell me that everything was going to be okay, that we would figure it out, that things would be okay. I’ve relied so heavily on his positive outlook on life, his golden smile, the sparkle in his eyes, and I took so much of it for granted.
He was also my rock to lean on, the constant I knew would always be there, even when I tried to convince myself I didn’t want it.
Now, it’s my turn.
And I couldn’t be his rock when I was burying myself alive .
After Emmett took Luke’s three night shifts, and Mia and Drew took on No Name, the coffee shop, I could finally just be there for Luke. Maybe Luke doesn’t need me to do everything for him, maybe he just needs me , especially now that he’s going back to work.
I unlock the door to our apartment, and I'm greeted by Rosie.
When Luke is home, she’s stuck to his side as if ready for him to lean on if he needs support. She’s been the one who stayed with Luke since Bennett’s funeral, promising me, Drew, Emmett, Mia, and Eddie that he was okay alone.
A small part of me hoped Luke would be home, not because I didn’t want his first shift back at Lenny’s to go well but because I just want to see him.
We’ve been living under the same roof, but it feels too much like when I had to move in after my apartment break-in, something that feels like a lifetime ago. There’s too much space between us.
I miss him. He feels so far away, even though he’s right here.
I don’t push him to talk to me, but our conversations don’t go far. I don’t recognize him right now while he’s living in this fog, but I’ll wait forever for the Luke I know to make his way out of it.
It’s Thursday, so I have a little extra energy because tomorrow is Friday and then it’s the weekend—it makes sense in my head—and I won’t be able to wind down knowing that Luke isn’t home, so I decide to do what I do best and stress-bake.
I haven’t had as much time to do it as I had planned when rotations started, but that doesn’t mean I’m less stressed than I thought I’d be .
I kick off my shoes and drop my backpack in one of the chairs on the kitchen counter, and then head into our bedroom to change out of my scrubs and into something cozy.
I wash my hands when I’m back in the kitchen, trying to focus on the smile I hope blooms on Luke’s face when he sees I’ve made his favorite dessert, rather than worrying about how he’s holding up right now.
I start by putting a pot over the stove to melt some dark chocolate for my cupcake batter.
Thanks to my gift from Luke, my cherry-red stand mixer, I made quick work of the rest of the batter, pouring it into the cupcake tray I put liners in while the mixer was going.
Just like the break-in at my old apartment, Luke buying me the stand mixer after my first day of my rotation year feels like a lifetime ago. It’s only been just over two months, yet it feels like it could’ve been two years—two lifetimes .
I place the cupcakes in the oven, then quickly move onto washing the bowl to start on the peanut butter frosting, the recipe I know by heart, but I can’t help but think about how the hell I ended up here in the first place. I’m making Luke cupcakes in our kitchen.
How did I ever think Luke wasn’t it for me?
How did I convince myself that I wasn’t the luckiest girl in the world for being the girl he loved? Or, how did I ignore that I was the stupidest person on the planet to let him go?
They say if you love someone, you let them go. If they come back, they were always yours. If they don’t, they never were.
But Luke didn’t have to come back to show me he was mine. I never really let him go in the first place.
While the cupcakes are cooling and the frosting is chilling, I take a quick shower—taking a page from Mia’s book and blasting music to keep my mind from spinning—and pull on sweatpants and one of Luke’s hoodies, anything to feel a little closer to him.
The bathroom door is closed, the mirror foggy from the hot steam of the shower. I brush my damp hair, tucking it behind my ears, the music filling the room enough that I don’t notice someone opening and shutting the front door behind them until I step out of the bathroom to catch Luke red-handed, a cupcake in his mouth.
“Hey, honey,” he sheepishly says, talking around the cupcake in his mouth. His long hair is half pulled back in one of my hair ties, and I can’t deny that I get why Drew likes how Emmett ties his back. His gray sweatshirt looks big on him, but there’s color back in his face, a slight pink tinge to his cheek from the December air.
“Those weren’t ready,” I reply, trying to hide the smile on my face and the emotion clogging my throat, feeling like I’m seeing Luke for the first time in weeks.
“I couldn’t help myself,” he answers, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and closing the distance between us. He wraps his arms around my waist, my arms instinctively going around his shoulders as he nuzzles his head into my neck.
“I miss you,” he whispers against my skin, and my hold on him tightens.
“I’m right here,” I answer, one of my hands going to the back of his head as I feel a hot tear drop from his cheek to my neck.
We stay like this for a few minutes, holding each other in the middle of the kitchen. I feel Luke’s fist ball the fabric of his sweatshirt I’m wearing, pulling me in even closer. “Please don’t ever leave me, Annie girl,” he whispers, the words going straight to my heart, the heart that beats just for him. “I don’t know if I could survive it.”
I pull back against his tight embrace, just enough to hold his face in my hands, looking straight into his glistening baby blues. “You’re never getting rid of me, sweetheart. Never.” I lean in, pressing a soft kiss to his lips.
Wrapping my arms around his waist, I rest my head on his chest. He rests his chin on the top of my head, exhaling before he says, “I don’t know how’d I get through this without you. You’ve been taking care of everything, all on your own, on top of rotations. Seriously, Annie, I don’t know what I did to deserve you.”
“What you deserve is the space and time to heal. I’ll do whatever I can to give that to you.”
“I’m getting there,” he says, letting out a sigh. “Maybe today is a fluke, but it's the first one I've felt like maybe things will be okay.” I pull back slightly, just enough to look up at him. He continues, “I decided to push back the opening of the coffee shop. I want it to open on Bennet’s birthday.”
“December 14th.”
Luke looks down at me and gives me a small smile. “Two weeks.” He squeezes me a little tighter. “I can’t thank you enough for preparing everything to open on the original date, but I needed more than just three days for me to be ready. Plus, it’s one way I feel like I can honor him.”
“I think it’s a great idea,” I reply, knowing how proud Bennett was of Luke for building this place from the ground up. Bennett will always be a part of it, not only because it’ll open on his birthday or because he helped Luke with putting it together.
Bennett gave Luke the push he needed to find his own way. Without Bennett’s blessing, or advice, or whatever you want to call it, Luke’s path would’ve been the law firm, a path he never wanted but thought he needed to do.
“And I think I figured out a name,” Luke adds, but he doesn’t say more.
Instead, he lifts my chin and his lips find mine, drinking me in like I’m the only water source he’ll ever need. He kisses me until I forget my own name, until I’m a mess in his arms, until he’s begging me to bring him to bed.
So I do.
He kisses me as I fall apart in his arms, him following close behind me, and the world around us fades. It’s just us, in the darkness of our bedroom, the security of each other’s arms.
Luke tells me stories of him and Bennett until I can’t keep my eyes open, his fingers drawing mindless circles on my bare skin.
I fall asleep to the sound of his voice, the touch of his lips against my forehead, and the feeling that everything will be okay.
We’ll figure it out.
Together.