14. Rune #2
I went to my secret hideout, the place I've gone my whole life when things got to be too much; it's not much of a hideout, to be honest, but it's my safe place.
It's a spot where a six-foot-high retaining wall made of giant boulders near the back of our property meets the living wall made of impenetrable shrubbery, creating a triangular nook shaded by a nearby massive spreading oak tree.
A large boulder protruded from the top of the retaining wall to create a little roof so I could hang out under it even in the rain. I even get Wi-Fi out here.
I resumed my knee-hugging huddle, feeling ridiculous, overwhelmed, panicked, scared, angry—at myself, at him, at us, at the world.
I heard feet on the grass overhead. "Go away."
"Rune?" Duncan's voice—it shot straight to my heart, rocking my gut and rattling my already frayed nerves.
"I said go away, I'm hiding from you." My voice was muffled because I had my face in my knees.
He thumped to the ground beside me and sat a good three or four feet away, facing me. "We need to talk."
"No, we don't. There's nothing to talk about."
"Unless you're not pregnant, yes there is."
"I don't want or need your help, Duncan," I snapped, finally stealing a look at him.
I hated how damnably attractive the man was.
Even visibly exhausted, stressed out, hurt, angry, and frustrated, he was just plain gorgeous.
His eyes shone brown in the shade, his hair catching a streamer of sunlight to gleam reddish.
He was dressed in faded denim, battered Nike trainers, and a plain black T-shirt, the arm of a pair of rainbow mirrored shield-style sunglasses hanging from the neck of his shirt.
Those stupid arms, gah.
I shut my eyes. "Just take the hint, Dunc. I can handle this on my own. I don't need you."
He shifted closer and then rested a hand on the middle of my back. "I know you can handle this on your own, Rune. I know you don't need me."
I glanced at him, furious as hell at the way my eyes burned, tears I refused to spill threatening like heavy stormclouds all along the lower rim of my eyelids. "Then why are you here?"
"Because you're getting me anyway. I’m gonna be here for you no matter what."
"I didn't ask for that," I whispered.
"I know." He ran his hand in slow, gentle circles on my back—and damn him, but it did soothe me, for some reason. "But you didn't have to. I'm gonna take care of you, Rune."
"I don't love you." The words tasted acidic in my throat, left a bitter ghost on my lips—the flavor of lies.
"I didn't say we were going to be together," he answered, his voice even and steady.
This got him a look from me—curious, despite myself. "If there's no sex in it for you, then what do you want?"
He frowned. "At what point did I give you the impression that all I cared about was sex, Rune?" He sounded angry.
"I…you…” I shook my head, mouth flapping. "Dunc, I just—"
"No, I want to know," he said, as close to fury as I could picture him getting.
"I told you I had feelings. You didn't care.
I showed you I had feelings. You still fucking ghosted me with a spectacularly shitty blow off text.
You know how that felt, Rune? To wake up and find you just fucking gone? And then, hours later, get this text?"
He shoved his phone in my face, showing me the text I'd sent him.
I turned my face away. "Duncan—"
"I respected your decision, Rune. I didn't hound you. I didn't call you or text you. I let you go. And then you call me at four in the morning and tell me you're pregnant, but refuse to let me get a word in? And then you fucking block me?"
The tears escaped, then. "Duncan—"
"And now…" he shook his head, laughing in disbelief.
"Now, I come here to your house to make you talk to me about this very big deal that affects us both, and you act like all I give a shit about is sex?
Fuck that. And honestly, fuck you for saying it.
Clearly you don't know the first goddamn thing about me. "
Sobs escaped, then, wracking me so hard I was forced to curl into a ball, shaking and snotting and shuddering. "I'm s-s-sorry!"
"Oh god, Rune." His voice softened. "C'mere."
His strong arms went around me, and I found myself settling onto his lap. And damn me, I let it happen.
It just felt so damned good .
He smelled amazing—soap, shampoo, spicy, woodsy cologne, and that indefinable but undeniable male scent.
His arms cradled me to his firm chest, wrapping around me, knees at my chest and all. "Let it out, Rune. I've got you."
"B-b-but…wh-why? Why comfort me after I’ve been so shitty to you?"
"Because I'm pretty sure I'm in love with you."
This made the sobbing stop, albeit temporarily, as shock forced me to pull away and look at him. "What?" I whispered. "What did you just say?"
He held my gaze, his deep and brown and wild and calm and sure. "I said I'm pretty sure I'm in love with you."
"Pretty sure?"
He shrugged. "I mean, yeah. It's hard to know for sure since you keep pushing me away."
"We barely know each other, Duncan," I said. "Love takes time."
He shrugged again. "Ehhh, I dunno about that one, babe. My parents both claim they fell in love after only a few days of knowing each other. It took longer for them to both quit fighting it and accept it, but the feelings were there."
"We have great chemistry," I said. "I can't deny that. But that's not love. That's just physical, sexual compatibility."
"There's more to it and you know it, Rune," he said.
"Maybe I don't know that, Duncan."
"You would if you let yourself." He pressed his cheek to the top of my head and breathed in my scent, sighing heavily as if trying to absorb the reality of my presence. "You wouldn't be fighting me so hard if you felt nothing."
"I’m not fighting," I argued.
He barked a sarcastic laugh. "Okay, Miss Un-self-aware."
“If you're trying to woo me, you're not going about it very intelligently," I said.
"This isn't me wooing you, Rune," he said. "You'd know it if I was."
"Then what is this?" I asked, shifting so I was sitting sideways on his lap; I didn't dare to examine too closely the fact that I was still on his lap at all.
"This is me trying to make you understand that I'm not 'off the hook,'" he used air quotes around the phrase I'd both heard and used far too many times in the last few minutes.
"I don't want off the hook. This isn't all on you.
You're not alone, Rune." He paused, thinking.
"I mean, obviously not—you have your parents and Lindsey, and the rest of your friends. But you've also got me."
I sniffled. "Duncan, I…" I wiped at my eyes with my fingertips. "I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I want. I don't know anything right now."
"You don't have to. I'm not asking for anything, Rune. Except, maybe, for you to be honest with yourself and with me about your real feelings."
"To what end, Duncan?" I asked, sounding exasperated, even to myself. "You're gonna give up your whole life for me?"
"I don't know. Maybe."
I barked a bitter laugh at that. "Right. Uh-huh, sure."
"If you told me that you do in fact care about me and do want to have a romantic, committed, long-term relationship with me, but the only way it could happen is if I moved to LA, then yes, I'd consider it."
I stared at him, not expecting that. "You…would? For real?"
He nodded. "Yes, I would. I mean, yeah, it would be hard. I've never been away from home or my family for more than a few weeks in my life." He laughed. "I realize this may be the kiss of death, here, admitting this, but I still live with my parents."
"Because it's cheap and convenient, or because you're not ready to be on your own?" I asked.
"The first one," he answered. "I mean, mostly.
I could afford a place on my own, and I've considered it, but what's the point?
What do I have to prove? I'm saving money so when I am ready, I can buy a house.
I live with Mom and Dad because I can save money and because it's convenient, yes.
I contribute—I clean, I do my laundry, I feed myself, I buy my own groceries, I mow the lawn.
I pay for my cell phone, my car, my insurance.
I just…don't pay rent." He shrugged. "I mean, I don't know what your relationship with your parents is like, but I'm super close to mine.
I like being there. I like hanging out with them, and with my brother.
Who's here, by the way. He flew down with me for moral support. "
"He is?" I asked. "You didn't leave him alone with Lindsey, did you?"
He laughed. “Is he safe with her? Or is she, like, gonna eat his head?"
I rolled my eyes. "She's not a praying mantis, Duncan. I was joking.”
"So was I. Clearly she's not a cannibal." He shook his head, shoulders shaking with laughter. "He's with your parents. And don't worry, Dane can handle a conversation with them. Lindsey is a different story, but I suspect she can take care of herself."
“Yeah, she can." I sighed, shifted off his lap, and sat cross-legged facing him. "I don't care if you live with your parents. I mean, I think it is sweet. Also, why were you talking to your mom at four in the morning?"
He laughed. "You know, I still don't know why she woke up. I'm always pretty quiet when I come home late. She just…I dunno. She said that a mama always knows when her kids need her."
"And you needed her?" I asked.
He shrugged, looking away. "I guess."
"Duncan?" I touched his hand.
He rolled a shoulder. "Don't worry about it."
"Duncan, c'mon. What?"
"I was…I'd been having a hard time. After you left, and all that. I guess she just…felt it. I dunno. Or she had some sort of motherly ESP about you calling me with your news."
"So when I called…"
"Your ears must've been burning."
I sighed. "I'm sorry I hurt you, Duncan."
"But?"
I shook my head. "No, I really am. I didn’t handle the situation right in a lot of ways."