Chapter 20
TWENTY
BETH
JUNE
Beth’s knee bounced, her gaze locked on an oblong stain stretching horizontally across the carpet that she didn’t remember being there the last time she had sat in Lenore Briggs’ office a year ago.
She drummed her fingers softly against the large wrapped package she was holding as she looked around the room more.
Aside from the stain, not much else had changed in the boring beige little room.
The clock still ticked at an annoyingly loud volume, and the walls were still bare.
“Sorry about that. Needed to use the restroom.” Lenore smiled at her, settling herself in the tattered armchair across from Beth.
Beth set the package aside, shifting against the leather sofa. “No worries.”
“I was pleasantly surprised when you reached out to schedule. It’s been, what, a year?” Lenore raised an eyebrow as she flipped to a new page in the small leatherbound notebook she had always used during their sessions.
“I know. It wasn’t intentional on my end. Life kind of got in the way.” Beth smiled to herself, running through all the surprises life had handed her in the past year and the unexpected ways those surprises had been delivered.
“How so?” Lenore asked, the tip of her pen moving across the page.
Beth laughed, an easy grin pulling at her lips.
“I don’t even really know where to start.
I guess first things first. I did the homework you asked me to do.
I let my body surprise itself…and to be honest, a part of me is still surprised.
” She leaned forward, both feet planted on the ground, elbows on her knees.
“Okay, here we go: I started dating again, had an orgasm again, made a new friend, felt like a real person again while spending time with friends, and I started painting again… Oh, and I fell in love with my ex-wife again.”
Lenore’s pen stilled enough that Beth noticed, the absence of the scratching competing with the ticking of the clock.
She couldn’t believe her eyes as she spotted the tiniest pull at the corner of Lenore’s mouth. “So, sounds like you had a pretty quiet year then?”
Beth grinned slowly. “Boring, really,” she said, voice dripping with sarcasm before she burst out laughing, the motion lifting the last of any lingering weight she carried.
“I’m sorry, it’s just that if you had told me a year ago that this was where my life was going?
I would have told you to get lost. But every day I wake up, and I can’t believe that I’m here.
Which is weird, right? Because Sarah and I—we’ve done this before, but it never felt quite like this. ”
“Like what?”
Beth thought for a moment, crossing one leg over the other, her flowing skirt shifting slightly. “Stable,” she said honestly.
Lenore didn’t say anything for a moment, simply letting Beth sit in that word for a little bit longer.
“Were things with Sarah not stable before?”
“No, they were. If you look up the definition of stability in the dictionary, it’s a picture of Sarah.
She always provided everything we needed, but it was very…
my way or no way else. But this time the stability feels like it’s coming more from the foundation because this time we built it together.
” Beth inhaled deeply, glancing out the window before continuing.
“We were so young when we got married. We were basically kids—still in our twenties, where the biggest decisions we had to make were what bar we were going to on the weekend or where we’d be getting brunch.
Our lives weren’t serious yet, and that’s not something you can really wrap your head around until after you’ve lived it, because in the moment, it all felt so serious.
And then we had Lily, and things got extremely serious.
Decisions needed to be made—real decisions like preschools, and college savings plans, and pediatric orthodontia, and then to nurture a marriage on top of everything…
And when we had the miscarriage… We didn’t have the foundation to weather that phase of life together. ”
“And what makes that feel different this time?’ Lenore asked.
Beth thought for a moment. “We’re both a lot more aware of who we are as individuals, and the ways we don’t always show up as our best selves. And we talk about it now without the shame we had when we were younger. There is space for us to learn and grow together.”
Silence stretched between them, filled by the clock ticking.
Still, the sound didn’t feel as ominous to her anymore.
Lenore set her pen down, her silvery gray hair piled in a bun on top of her head, looking intently at her as she asked, “And how does your relationship with Jamie fit into all of this?”
Beth closed her eyes, Jamie immediately appearing behind them. Jamie making pancakes in the kitchen, Jamie laughing so hard she nearly peed her pants, Jamie and Lily coming back from their runs together. Dimples, brown eyes, a curtain of curls—perfect moments in time forever preserved.
“I’m the version of myself I am today because I loved Jamie and Jamie loved me”—her voice cracked—“I grew because of her, and to me, growth is never something that should be regretted. Jamie will always be a special person in my life, in Lily’s life, in all the lives she touched while she was alive.
But at the end of the day, Jamie would have wanted to see me be happy.
It took a year, but I found my happy and it’s better than I ever could have imagined. ”
Lenore picked up her pen once more, scribbling a line across her page. Beth watched, her curiosity finally getting the better of her.
“What are you writing down?”
“Oh, just little notes here and there.”
Beth raised an eyebrow, not satisfied with the answer. Lenore smiled. From the woman who had sat stone-faced across from her for an entire year while Beth bared her soul through tears, there was an awful lot of smiling happening today.
“If you must know… I wrote ‘What’s next?’ So, I’ll ask. What’s next for you, Beth?”
Beth grinned sheepishly. “Oh, next… Well.” She adjusted her skirt, the gold cuff bracelet adorning her wrist catching the sun, sending a flash of light across the blank wall behind Lenore as she took in a deep breath. “Sarah and I are moving to D.C.”
“That’s a big change.”
“It is. But it feels right.” Beth dropped her eyes to the stain on the rug again. “I’m ready for my next big adventure. And honestly, I’m feeling like a change of scenery could be good. Trading one Washington for another feels almost serendipitous.”
“How so?”
“It feels almost like the perfect do-over for us. I, um, was less than enthusiastic about moving to Seattle when Sarah’s career brought us here, and now I’ve lived enough of my life to know that I can build a home anywhere as long as I’m building it with Sarah.”
Lenore flipped her notebook closed, setting the pen on top. “I think that’s a very beautiful way of looking at things.”
“I think so too.” Beth shifted, the slim package next to her moving against the leather of the couch.
“Oh, I almost forgot. This is for you. A parting gift. And now, after being here again after a whole year away, I’m glad I brought it.
I thought for sure you might have hung some art up by now.
” She grinned, sliding the package towards Lenore.
A crinkling sound filled the little office as Lenore peeled away the craft paper. “It’s perfect,” she laughed. Beth joined her, looking at the canvas in Lenore’s hands.
“I didn’t want to overwhelm you with color, but texture—that’s a different story. Now people will have something else to look at when they’re sitting in here.” Beth rose to her feet, Lenore joining her. “Thank you for everything.”
“Best of luck in D.C., and take care of yourself,” Lenore said warmly as Beth stepped out of her office for the last time.
The heat of the summer sun warmed Beth’s face as she walked down the tree-lined sidewalk in the direction of the Grumpy Goat, where she and Lily had planned to meet following her appointment. Lily had dropped her off since her beloved car was already en route to D.C.
The familiar jingle greeted her as she pushed through the coffee shop’s front door, the scent of roasted coffee beans wafting to her as she grinned, her eyes landing on the red-headed Rousseau siblings.
“Liv, Oliver! Hey,” she greeted them, setting her sunglasses on top of her head as she stepped up to the counter.
“Hey!” Liv said with a broad smile, pulling Beth into a hug. “How’s packing going?”
“It’s going. Still sorting through what’s coming with us, what’s going into storage, and what’s staying behind at the house. What are you two up to?” Beth asked, leaning around Liv to say hello to Delaney, who was looking at her shyly from the safety of her dad’s arms.
“Liver and Delaney were driving Sophie crazy, so I offered to take them to the park for her.” Liv winked, making Beth laugh.
God, Liv was an odd one, but that was what Beth liked so much about her.
She owned that part of herself. Beth was almost sad to be leaving after becoming friends over the past year, but Liv had promised to visit and, in her own words, was very in the know about the goings-on in D.C. , whatever that meant.
“It’s the perfect day for the park. If I didn’t have a mountain of stuff to sift through, I’d join. I miss the park days.”
Liv snorted. “We’re just about out of the sticking-everything-in-her-mouth phase, which makes nearly everything that much more enjoyable.”
With a sweet smile, Pat set three drinks on the counter in front of them. “One iced latte with whole milk, one raspberry lavender lemonade, and one Delaney Special.”
Oliver reached for the drinks, waving his thanks as he moved towards the door with Delaney.
“You officially leave on Wednesday, yeah?” Liv asked, sliding her straw into the lid of her drink.