Chapter 19 #3
A flash of sun flickered across her cheeks and it was only then that Lily noticed the tears falling silently from Wren’s eyes. Lily’s stomach twisted with guilt even as she reached for Wren, throwing her arms around her neck, pulling her shaking frame tight against her body.
Wren had never cried in front of her before, not like this. Not looking so broken.
“I—I—” Wren hiccuped. “Can, I’m just—”
“Shhh,” Lily said, brushing her hand up and down Wren’s back. “Breathe.”
“I’m such a fuck up, Lily.” Wren sniffled, head still cradled in the crook of Lily’s neck, muffling her voice.
“I’ve never been able to do anything right.
My parents always said—when I was little—they gave me two choices, and I always chose the wrong one.
And I don’t know why. And I’m trying. I’m trying so hard, and—”
Wren’s words got lost in her full-body sobs. The sight completely gutted Lily as she squeezed tighter. “That’s not who you are,” she said quietly, trying to think of a way to soothe Wren, to make this all go away, to fix it for her.
They stood there together until Wren’s breathing evened out and her shaky tears subsided. The salty breeze made the ends of Lily’s hair dance around them as they clung to each other.
Her mama’s voice echoed in her mind as she wiped away Wren’s tears.
As long as you’re there catching her, she’s never going to realize how hard the ground actually is.
Lily’s hands stilled as the realization set in that there wasn’t anything she could do to fix this for Wren.
Only Wren could do that for herself, and Lily didn’t know anymore if she was helping her or hurting her by constantly being there to catch her.
“I love you. That’s what makes this so hard.” Lily held Wren’s gaze, watching as sadness was replaced by confusion, followed by worry. “But I was taught that part of loving someone is helping them learn when it’s time to grow… I think this is a growth moment for you, Wren.”
Waves crashed in the silence between them as Wren’s eyes flitted back and forth as she attempted to formulate a response. “I can grow,” she said quickly. “For you—anything. Just tell me what you want.”
Lily’s heart sank at those two words—for you.
It’s brave to know when to walk away. It was something her mom had said to her during their car chat in Oregon. Something Lily hadn’t really understood until this very moment, when she found herself standing at the crossroads of bravery and complacency, Wren smiling at her weakly.
“I can’t.” The hot tears were back, stinging her eyes as she tried to blink them away, stepping back from Wren.
“Wha—”
“Please, Wren. Please—don’t. I can’t. I can’t be that person for you, the person you do everything for. Not like this.” She took another step away from Wren, back toward the little hut next to the path they had entered the beach from.
“Lils—” Wren’s voice cracked with fear, desperately reaching for her, but she was already too far away.
Lily looked back at Wren as flashes of the forever she so badly wanted to have with her flew around her mind.
But that forever would never be possible if they didn’t learn how to stand on their own without propping the other up.
She breathed in deeply, drawing on her remaining strength, committing fully to her decision that now was the time to be brave and trust that if she and Wren were truly meant to be, they would one day find their way back to each other.
“I love you, but I can’t be your girlfriend, Wren.
Not until you learn to love yourself enough to live for yourself.
” Lily forced the words through her own tears.
“So you do that. You learn. And when you do, come find me.” She held Wren’s gaze for a long moment, taking a mental image of the hurt looking back at her, tucking it away with all the other mental images of Wren she had collected in their time together.
Lily turned quickly on her heel, her short, hurried steps carrying her past the guard stand and back up the path towards the estate.
She fought the urge to look back at Wren one last time, but knew it would only make this so much worse.
So she kept moving forward, one foot after the next, all the way back to the pool area where her moms, Nell, and Nate all still sat chatting in overstuffed lounge chairs.
“Where’s the bathroom?” she muttered, not making eye contact with either of her moms, trying to hide the fact that she had been crying and was barely holding herself together. She needed a minute alone and then she would be fine.
“Right next to the front door, you can’t miss it,” Nate answered, tilting his chin towards the door they had entered through, concern in his eyes. But Lily ignored it.
She nodded, moving past the group back into the house.
Finding the door marked restroom, she slipped inside.
Hot tears came with heavy sobs; her back pressed against the closed door, body sinking down slowly as she attempted to control her breathing with deep, heavy inhales, trying to push down a dull, achy feeling that had set in in the minutes since she had stood on the beach across from Wren.
She had broken up with Wren. Wren wasn’t her girlfriend anymore.
That hadn’t been her plan.
“Lily, love.” A soft tapping followed by her mama’s concerned voice filtered through the door. “Everything okay?”
No.
Lily stood, moving away from the door, turning the handle so it opened a crack, allowing Beth to slip inside.
“What’s going on—”
“I broke up with Wren,” Lily said, cutting her off, burrowing herself deeply into her mother’s embrace and sobbing, wanting nothing more than comfort. Wanting reassurance that she had made the right decision.
That night, back at Nell’s, Lily sat curled up next to the stone firepit, watching the flames twist and contort around charred pieces of wood. Not really listening to Nell and her moms chatting beside her.
They had left Changing Tides in a hurry, Nell driving them back while Nate had stayed behind with Wren.
The car ride had been quiet, Lily lying with her head in her mama’s lap, letting the repetitive motion of fingers combing through her hair soothe the numbing sensation that had spread through her entire body since telling her everything that happened down on the beach.
Back at Nell’s, she had excused herself to go take a shower, hoping the scalding water would be enough to make her feel something, but no such luck.
She emerged with red, angry patches across her skin, somehow still numb.
Dinner had been a struggle, too; the idea of eating anything made her grab her stomach.
So instead, she picked her way through, pretending like everyone wasn’t shooting side glances at her, assessing her current state.
And now, even by the fire, it continued as she caught her mom looking over at her.
“Stop, I’m fine,” she said flatly.
“I was just checking.” Sarah flashed her a smile across the fire.
“It’s just a breakup. I’ll be okay.” She shrugged, repeating the mantra she had been telling herself.
Nell sipped from a glass of ‘the good wine,’ as she and her mom kept calling it. “The first breakup with a girl is always the hardest, but I can promise it gets a little easier each day.”
Lily looked up, her eyes meeting Nell’s. “It does?”
“It does. God, I remember my first breakup. Genevieve Reinhart. I was sixteen, and we had to sit through calculus together for the rest of the semester. It was torture. Haven’t spoken with her since graduation, and especially not after half her family ended up in prison on RICO charges.”
Her mom eyed Nell with a raised eyebrow. “On a slightly more relatable note, I was twenty-one, in college, and her name was Lindsay Shilling.”
“Oh, I forgot about Lindsay.” Her mama covered her eyes.
“I still stand by the fact that we didn’t do anything wrong. She and I were broken up before we ever kissed…” Sarah’s voice trailed off as she intertwined her fingers with Beth’s.
Lily looked at her mama, a smile pulling at the corners of her mouth, this conversation weirdly making her feel better. “What about you? Who was the first girl you broke up with?”
Beth glanced sideways before answering. “I was thirty-three, and it was your mom.”
Nell sputtered into her glass, having just taken a sip. “Sorry.” She coughed, clutching her chest. “I wasn’t expecting that answer.”
They all burst out laughing, Lily joining in with them, not really sure what was so funny, but enjoying the light mood. She leaned back in her Adirondack chair, pulling her blanket tighter around her shoulders. Settling into the moment again as the other women kept talking.
And then, before she could think twice about it, she spoke the thought that had been on the top of her mind for weeks. “I’m retiring from gymnastics.”