43. Carina
FORTY-THREE
CARINA
Henrik is heading out to sea in just days, and the closer it gets to his departure, the more anxious I become.
My body’s exhausted from constantly pushing it out of my mind.
While he was in Homer with Eirik this past weekend, I cleaned and organized, my least favorite thing to do, to keep my hands and mind distracted.
Spending Saturday with Mia and Jen helped, but as soon as I was by myself, my mind traveled to Henrik, and I ruminated on my fears about crab fishing and my concern for his safety.
When we were doing the survey, my fears were challenged when Peter had his incident, but Kai’s and Edgar’s quick reactions kept him safe, and it reinforced how important safety is on the Brina.
I can’t say my fears have been eradicated, but I now have a better understanding of how life operates on the Brina, and that knowledge does wonders for my worries.
My major concern now is the winter weather.
It’s embarrassing to admit the number of hours I’ve spent researching the weather of the crab fishing grounds while they’re expecting to be out there.
I’m confident Henrik is a skilled boat captain; it’s just the uncertainty of the weather that I find mentally crippling.
To combat that, I know it would be best to talk everything through with him, but instead, I’m pretending my worries don’t exist.
When Henrik texted me earlier to see if I was coming over after work, I took my time responding.
It isn’t that I don’t want to see him. I just know seeing him will force me to confront my fears head-on.
And that’s terrifying. As soon as Henrik sees me, he’ll know I’m struggling, and he’ll force the conversation.
I love that about him because a conversation is necessary.
For me. For us. But knowing that doesn’t make it any easier.
It seems pointless. Unless I can either get over my fears or learn to handle them, I’ll never be okay with him leaving.
My stomach tightens with guilt. It isn’t fair for me to hold him hostage because of fears I’ve had since I was a child.
With all the chaotic thoughts taking up real estate in my head, it’s tough to feel any emotion except sadness.
My worries are causing a wedge between us, and it’s devastating.
Henrik
I’m so excited to see you after work. I’ve missed you so much. What do you want for dinner?
Me
I missed you too. For dinner… anything sounds good.
Henrik
See you soon. I love you.
Me
I love you too.
The last hour of work is torture. My mind refuses to settle.
Knowing we have to talk is making me unbelievably nervous.
I know Henrik will understand my fears, but will he be willing to accept me with them?
And will I be able to remain sane while he’s at sea?
The thought of being separated from someone I love so much while knowing how dangerous their job is has given me so many panic attacks in the last few days that I’m not sure my heart has fully recovered.
That’s precisely why I’m so intrigued by that job in Hawaii.
It seems like the perfect distraction. However, I’m currently locked in a game of phone tag with the researcher in charge of the position.
I still don’t know if the position is open for the months Henrik will be at sea.
Either way, if it’s available now, I still have to talk to my current boss and get his permission…
or quit. On top of my feelings about Henrik leaving in the next few days, it’s all too much to handle.
My stomach churns with unease whenever I think about the entire situation.
And the thought of bringing it up with Henrik seems pointless.
Just tackle the fears. That’s my plan. Face the known, and I’ll share the rest if or when it becomes relevant.
I step into the restroom before I leave work, and splash some cold water on my face. Looking in the mirror, I notice my eyes are sad, and a light breakout of hives, which I only get when I’m incredibly stressed, covers my neck in splotchy red marks.
“Breathe, Carina. Everything is going to be fine,” I tell myself.
But will it? Will Henrik still want to be with me when he finds out how deep my fears actually run?
Until now, I’ve done a decent job of tempering them.
Blotting my face with a paper towel, I remind myself I need to be honest and strong.
Asking Henrik to love me and be with me when I’m terrified of his safety, is a big ask.
At any point, he could decide I’m not worth it and walk away.
And I have to accept that, regardless of how much it scares me.
So today we’re confronting it. Forcing ourselves to deal with it head-on.
See if we’re committed to overcoming it together.
My shoulders are tight, and my hands are slippery on the steering wheel as I drive to his house. Pulling into his driveway, I look to the heavens and whisper a prayer. “Please, don’t let this be the end of us.”
Henrik answers the door with a smile. I love him so much.
I wish I could offer one back, but I’m not in the right state of mind.
His smile falls, and he pulls me into his chest. His woodsy scent overwhelms me in the best ways.
Overemotional and exhausted, I melt against him.
Wrapped in his muscular arms, I feel myself start to break.
With his lips next to my ear, he whispers, “Hey, beautiful.”
A shiver races down my spine, and I mumble, “I missed you,” against his chest. Cocooned in his hold, I’ve never felt safer.
His deep voice rumbles in his chest. “What’s the matter? Why do you look so sad?”
Leaning back, I look up into his dark-blue eyes. They’re filled with so many emotions. He wipes at my cheek, and I sniffle. When did I start crying? I take a moment to gather myself.
“It’s because I am sad. I’m sad you’re leaving the day after tomorrow, and that you’ll be gone for months. And I’m not ready. I don’t know if I’ll ever be.” My words tumble out of me as my tears flow freely.
Calmy, he says, “Let’s go sit down and talk this out.
” Sitting down on the couch, he pulls me to his side.
Needing a little space, so I can watch his reaction to all I have to say, I shift over and position myself sideways.
He mirrors me and then reaches for my hands. “Sorry, I need to be touching you.”
His confession makes me swoon. What an incredible man.
“Why don’t you tell me what’s going on in that gorgeous head of yours?”
I frown. “It isn’t pretty.”
“Give it to me. I can handle it. I need to know what scares you. Maybe I’ll be able to relieve some of your anxiety.”
“I don’t know if you can. I’ve had these fears for years.”
He leans in to kiss me, then rests his forehead to mine. “Please, let me at least try.”
He’s pleading with me. He wants to fix this for me. But he can’t. At least not completely. Pulling back, I look at him, and all I see is love.
“What if you think I’m ridiculous?” That’ll kill me.
He shakes his head. “Not possible. Carina, I know about your uncle. It makes perfect sense my job would scare you.”
And this is why he’s the perfect guy. He’s here supporting me and encouraging me to confront my fears so it’ll be easier for me when he’s out crabbing. “Why are you so amazing?” I sigh.
A loud laugh fills the room, and a gigantic smile spreads across his lips. He waggles his eyebrows. “I was just born like this, gorgeous.”
“Humble too,” I scoff as I smack his chest with my hand. When I go to pull it away, he closes his hand over mine and sets in on top of his heart.
“In all seriousness, I hate that my job causes you to worry and stress. But I get it. Crabbing is dangerous, and I’d be lying if I say I don’t get scared at times too.”
I’m surprised by his admission. “You do?”
He squeezes my hand. “I do. I’m not immune to the worry that comes with the job requirements of a crab fisherman, but I’ll tell you, I see the least amount of risk on the boat.
I have the most responsibility, and keeping everyone safe is my first concern.
I constantly monitor the weather, waves, and fatigue of my crew.
Can I say we always crab in a perfect setting?
No. But we fish responsibly and try our best to stay out of the storms. The Bering Sea is unpredictable, and so I try to mitigate it the best I can.
I can’t make promises that I’ll always be out of danger, but I can tell you I will always do my best to keep myself and my crew safe. ”
After years of harboring my fears, I’ve realized each one has made a delicate slice in my fragile heart, leaving it in ruins. But his words are sincere, honest, and full of love. The perfect salve to my anxiety.
I drop my head to his chest and listen to the thump, thump of his steady heartbeat. I love this man so much. His scent swirls around me, smelling like home. Like always, being near him relaxes me.
Henrik’s hands wrap around me, and he lifts me onto in his lap. “I’m sorry my job makes you worry. I wish I had a thousand guarantees to give you, but I don’t. I love you so much. Please believe that I will do my best to always get home to you.”
I nod while tears gather in the corners of my eyes. He hugs me tightly as I try my best to hold it together. I sniffle and he sits back. “Look at me, beautiful.”
Lifting my chin, my eyes met his. “Do you believe me?” I force a smile and nod. He frowns. “I need to hear the words.”
Swallowing past the emotion that’s stuck in my throat, I rasp, “I do. But I don’t think I’ll ever not be worried.
The thought I could lose you is devastating.
” Hearing myself vocalize it is the permission my body needs to release the tears I’ve been willing away.
They fall, soaking Henrik’s shirt, and he pulls me closer.
“I feel the same. Now that I have you, I can’t imagine life without you. I know that being with me is asking a lot. But I’m selfish.” He blows out a deep breath before he speaks again. “Is my job going to tear us apart?” His breath catches. His words are heavy with emotion.
My heart pounds as I wipe my tears away. “I’m selfish too, and I don’t want to lose you. I don’t know what the future holds for us. All I can offer is that I will do what I can to manage my fears and support you.”
He tilts my chin up and kisses me softly. “Thank you,” he says against my tear-stained lips.
I wish I could switch my brain off, but my mind is a chaotic symphony of scattered thoughts about him leaving and my possible position in Hawaii.
Now that we’ve discussed the former, I want to be able to open my mouth and tell him all about the latter.
To have him share in the joy with me. About how exciting the opportunity would be.
How it’s a dream position in the perfect destination.
That I could make a difference there if they hire me.
But I don’t.
I can’t.
Instead, I continue staring at the ceiling, my mind and heart at war over what to do.
Telling him shouldn’t be this difficult. But I’m an overthinker by nature. I analyze a situation from every angle. Catastrophizing everything until I’m a bundle of nerves, making myself mute.
And right now, I don’t even have all the information about the job, never mind if I really want to take it.
So, it seems pointless to spring this on him now.
I’m almost certain Henrik would be happy for me.
But there’s another part of me that dreads his reaction.
Will he jump to conclusions and pick a fight with me?
And after the already emotional night, I know I don’t have the energy to handle it.
I was hoping to have a clearer picture of everything before he leaves, but that doesn’t seem like it’s going to be the case.
In my mind, I’m protecting him. Henrik doesn’t like drama, and that’s exactly what it feels like I would be dragging him into if I only give him half the facts.
How can I not expect him to rush to judgment and conclude I’m leaving?