50. Carina
FIFTY
CARINA
Saturday afternoon, I’m woken up by knocking on my front door.
“Go away,” I holler from underneath my cocoon of blankets.
But despite my anguished plea, the knocking continues.
Thinking only of my neighbors, and wanting to avoid their comments about my questionable visitors, I throw back the covers and groan.
Half asleep but fully annoyed, I swing my legs out of bed and shiver.
Suddenly, the chilly air registers in one particular spot—my left boob.
That’s weird. Looking down, I blink my groggy eyes several times and confirm that during the night, my boob escaped the confines of my tank top.
Since I’m large chested, this occurs more often than I care to admit.
Grumbling, I shove it back where it’s supposed to be and then stand up.
The knocking stops. But just as I’m about to flop back into my bed, my visitor knocks again, this time in a pattern that seems familiar. Straining my ears, I listen as the pattern repeats a second time. It sounds like “Shave and a Haircut.”
Wrapping a blanket around myself, I walk out into the living room. When I get closer to the door, the knocking stops. Just as I’m lifting to my toes to look through the peephole, I hear someone say, “Come on, Carina. I know you’re home. Please let me in.” Then she knocks the same pattern again.
I lift my hand and knock out the reply, finishing the tune.
“Please open the door, Carina,” Mia begs.
I don’t know if I’m ready for this. My emotions are all over the place, and I’m not sure what I’m feeling other than incredibly sad.
I pull open the door and Mia engulfs me in a hug. “I’m so sorry,” she says. My tears fall easily as she rubs my back. “What can I do?”
“Nothing. What’s done is done. I made a mistake, and he refuses to listen to my reasoning. He’s made up his mind, and we all know how stubborn Henrik can be. I haven’t heard from him, but I know we’re through.”
Mia shakes her head. “Don’t say that. He’s just upset. Once he hears the entire story, he’ll get over it and realize you were trying to protect him.”
I put my hand on her arm. “No, Mia. I don’t think he will.
Once he makes up his mind, it’s pointless to try to change it.
” I head to the couch and flop down on it, pull a blanket across my lap, and then pick up my laptop.
“I wonder if I could ask nicely to be reconsidered for that position in Hawaii.”
Mia gasps. “You mean the one you turned down so you could stay here in Kodiak?”
“Yeah. There’s no reason to stay here now. I can visit my parents or they can come to Hawaii and see me.”
She frowns as she sits down next to me. “Carina, you can’t leave. I’ll miss you, and I know Henrik will too once he finds out he only has part of the story.”
“Who’s going to tell him? He’s not speaking to either one of us.”
She knows I’m right. Silence fills the space between us. Just when I think the conversation is over, her eyes light up and an awkward look stretches across her face. “I’ve got it!” she yells triumphantly.
This ought to be good. I pull my blanket tighter and wait for her to reveal her master plan.
She gets serious. “First, you go to dinner tonight.”
“At your parent’s house?” I shake my head vigorously. “Nope, not going to happen. That’s a big, fat no.”
“Carina, you haven’t even heard the full plan. Give me a chance. Please. I need to make things right. I feel terrible.”
I look into her damp eyes. “This is not on you. It was my fault. I should have told him about Hawaii before he left. His reaction and unwillingness to listen to reason are all on him. He and I are both to blame for our relationship ending the way it did.”
“But maybe it doesn’t have to be over,” she objects.
If only that were true.
“I will not drag your parents into this. I don’t want to gang up on him. To Henrik, it’ll just feel like he was betrayed again.”
Her brow furrows at that.
Then I add, “I love him too much. If I can help it, I refuse to cause him any more pain. It’s time to let him go.”
She grimaces. “But what if he gets over his stubbornness and wants another chance?”
That would be great, but I’m not putting all my hope in the improbable. “If that ever happens, we’ll need to have a long conversation first.”
Mia wraps her arm around my shoulders. “So that’s still a no for dinner tonight?”
I sigh. “I adore your parents, but I can’t pretend everything is fine and lie to their faces.”
“I understand. You can’t get that job offer back, can you?”
“No. For now, I’ll keep working at KFCR and hope a biologist position becomes available. If not, and some other job lures me away, I’ll still visit.”
“It won’t be the same.” Mia frowns.
Patting her arm, I say, “It won’t be. But imagine if I settled somewhere warm, like Hawaii or Florida. You could always come visit.”
“Oh, that could be fun. Sun, sand, and hotties. I’m in. But that’s only if I can’t get Henrik to remove his head from his ass.”
Mia and I talk for a little while longer, and after she leaves, I take a hot shower and throw on a holey t-shirt and joggers.
While my microwave ramen cooks, I flip through the television channels, but nothing intrigues me.
Before I click off the weather channel, the current story’s headline catches my attention, and I pause.
It says “Horrible Storm Rocks the Bering Sea.”
My stomach drops, and the meager appetite I had disappears.
Turning up the volume, I listen as they discuss frigid temperatures, hurricane-like winds, freezing rain, ice buildup, and dangerous, massive waves.
This is what I was afraid of, and making everything a thousand times worse is knowing Henrik is mad at me and doubting my love for him.
Terrified, I curl in on myself. When a violent shiver rocks my body, I pull the blanket wrapped around me tighter. Please be safe. Please be safe.
I grab my cell phone off the coffee table, where I left it fully charged and ready in case Henrik reaches out.
I know it’s unlikely, but I’m having a hard time letting go.
It’s only been a few days since my world came crashing down, so I’d been clinging on to hope.
Leaving my dinner untouched, I desperately clutch my phone as I listen to the same weather warning on repeat.
Hours later, my phone dings. Startled, I drop it, and it tumbles under my couch.
Dropping to my knees, I sweep my hand under the couch until I find it.
Raising it to my face, my shoulders slump.
It’s my mom. She knew I was supposed to have dinner with Henrik’s parents tonight, and she’s checking in with me.
I’m not sure how to tell her what happened.
I know she’ll have my back one hundred percent, but she’ll be sad for me too.
I appreciate that, but I don’t want to be coddled.
Especially now, because he’s potentially in the middle of a horrible storm.
My heart twists. I need to answer her, but I don’t know what to say. Less is more.
Me
Hi. I can’t talk. It’s been a crazy night. I’ll call you tomorrow. Love you.
She gives a heart to my text, and I breathe a sigh of relief.
Then my phone dings again. I see Mia’s name, and I’m not sure what to think. Hopefully, she isn’t trying to push her plan again.
Mia
Just wanted you to know. My dad spoke with Edgar, and they’re away from the storm and safe.
They finished dropping pots when it first hit but got out of there before it got terrible.
Let me know if I can do anything for you.
My parents send their love and hope you’re feeling better soon.
I wish I’d known you told them you were sick because I almost unintentionally outed you.
Me
Thanks for the update. I’ve been watching the weather channel for hours, and I was really worried. I think I’m going to go to bed now that I know they’re okay. How’s Eirik?
Mia
He’s fine. He’s hoping the storm passes through quickly because they need to pull some pots that have already been soaking for almost two days. I hope you get some good rest. Again, let me know if you need anything.
Me
Glad he’s safe too. I promise I am as good as can be expected. Night.
Flipping off the television, I switch my phone to vibrate, so I can get some sleep, and head to my bedroom. Climbing back into my blanket cocoon from the night before, I fall asleep quickly. Emotions are exhausting.
By noon the next day, I’m awake and staring at my boring off-white ceiling. I hear my phone vibrate on my nightstand and reach for it.
“Hi, Mom,” I answer.
“Hi, Carina. How are you? How’d last night go?”
Breathing deeply, I prepare myself to tell her everything.
“Actually, I’m not great. I didn’t go to dinner at the Bergs’ last night.”
Her sweet voice is full of concern as she fires off questions. “What? Why not? Are you sick? Do you need me to bring something to you or make up a pot of soup?”
A tear slips out of the corner of my eye. “No, I’m not sick. And although I love your soup, it won’t help me right now.” I pause. “I-I’m not sure how to tell you this. Umm… Henrik and I… aren’t t-together anymore,” I stammer.
She gasps. “You aren’t? When did this happen? Isn’t he at sea? I thought you were together when he left. Did he get back already? Dad said nothing.”
“Mom, we were together when he left, but then he found out something I kept from him, and he’s furious with me.”
“So you may not have broken up? Have you had that conversation? Does he know why you were withholding something from him? What were you keeping secret?”
“I didn’t tell him about Hawaii,” I answer.
“You didn’t tell him what about Hawaii?” she asks. “Hold on. Let me get your dad.”
“Hey, Care Bear.” Normally my dad’s voice calms me, but I’m so worked up it does nothing.
“Hi, Dad. You know how Stacy told me about a temporary position in Hawaii to help study the whales? Before Henrik left, I was still gathering information about the position, so I didn’t mention it to him. I rationalized it wasn’t worth talking about unless it was something I was considering.”
My dad chimes in with, “That sounds smart to me.”
I let out a weak laugh. “Only to you and me, apparently. And now he knows about it, thinks I lied to him, and is furious with me.”
Mom clucks her tongue, then asks, “How did Henrik find out? And we never heard; are you going to Hawaii?”
I sit up in my bed and rest my back against the headboard. “I’ll start with the easy one. No, I’m not going to Hawaii. When I spoke to my boss, I had to turn it down because KFCR wouldn’t grant me a two-month sabbatical.”
“So why is Henrik upset? You’re staying in Kodiak, right?” my dad asks.
“Yes, I’m staying in Kodiak. Henrik is mad because he only knows part of the story, and instead of hearing it from me, he heard about it from his best friend, who got the information from his sister.”
Mom sighs. “He thought you decided to move to Hawaii and didn’t tell him.”
“Bingo. He told his brother that he feels betrayed by me, their sister, and his best friend. He won’t talk to any of us, so I can’t explain anything.
So all I can assume is that we’re broken up.
And now there’s a horrendous storm moving through the Bering Sea, and I’m terrified something is going to happen to him while he’s furious with me.
I need him to know how sorry I am that I kept the Hawaii thing from him, and that I love him more than anything. ”
“Care Bear, I don’t have any advice for you right now other than to be strong and hold on.
He’ll be back soon and then you can try explaining yourself to him.
If he chooses not to accept that, you’ll have to move on.
But there’s a chance he’ll listen, and you two might have just had your first hiccup. ”
Groaning, I sink down into my bed. “Thanks, Dad. I hear you, but I hate waiting to make things right. It’s tearing me up inside. Plus, I want him safe, and that storm isn’t helping my stress level.”
Before we hang up, my parents remind me how much they love me, and tell me if I need anything, all I have to do is ask. It was nice to talk to them, but my heart still hurts, aching to make things right with the love of my life.