Chapter 30 – Anna
THIRTY
ANNA
She wasn’t lonely. And she definitely didn’t miss him.
Christmas
“Merry Christmas Bedford Falls!”
I sniffed. Then sniffed again. See, everyone thinks the whole thing about the bell and the angel is the best part of It’s A Wonderful Life, but give me Jimmy Stewart running happily through the streets of Bedford Falls on Christmas any day. In the original black and white, of course.
It was one of the few traditions I actually enjoyed at the home. Every Christmas. Popcorn, hot chocolate – one packet per kid – and It’s A Wonderful Life.
In hindsight, I can see how maybe it was also used as a suicide deterrent, but, oh well. I still liked it.
I liked it even better with my new friend. Rocco was curled up high on my boob, his face pressed into my neck, his little kitty breath coming out in puffs. Why had I waited as long as I had to do this? Everything was just better with Rocco.
“Best Christmas ever. Right, Rocco?”
As if in response to my statement, my phone rang, only it wasn’t my standard ringtone.
I reached for it on the table next to the couch and saw that E.G. was attempting to Facetime me. Seriously?
I checked the time. It was almost eleven here, so it was close to midnight in Florida.
Maybe he was drunk. Maybe he just wanted to say Merry Christmas.
Maybe he missed me?
I tried to shake the thought off. More likely, it was the Allens and they just wanted to say Merry Christmas. It would be rude if I just ignored them.
I answered the call and E.G.’s face immediately came into view.
A strange sense of quiet contentment filled me upon seeing him. This long holiday weekend was the most days we’d gone without seeing each other since he hired me.
Yesterday, I was thinking that separation was a good thing. That my co-dependency was getting sharper, more tangible. He’d proposed furthering my business education like any good mentor might, but all I’d heard was that I wasn’t good enough.
For the job.
For him.
That kind of emotional thinking was messed up. I knew it, but I didn’t know where to put these feelings.
For now, I was happy to see his handsome crabby face. Even if he did look a little tired. I had this thought to reach out and touch my phone and smooth his furrowed brow.
“Merry Christmas, E.G.,” I said softly.
“You too, Flowers. How’s my cat?”
“He’s wonderful. Look.” I angled the phone so he could see my shoulder and get a good look at Rocco.
“He seems…content. Which is odd, considering your boobs aren’t that big.”
“Hey!” I said with false outrage. “I’ll have you know I went up a full cup.”
He glowered. “You shouldn’t be talking about your bra size with your employer.”
“You shouldn’t have brought up my comfy boobs!” I fired back.
“Oh! Is that Anna? Let me talk to her.”
I heard Rebecca in the background before she was pressing her face into view of the camera’s lens.
“Merry Christmas, Anna! I heard you got a cat.”
“No,” E.G. said. “She got me a cat. Keep up.”
Rebecca shook her head at E.G. then looked into the phone. “Don’t let him say he’s allergic. He’s not. We had a cat growing up.”
“Well, Rocco seems content with me for now,” I told Rebecca. Again, I angled the phone so Rocco could be seen. He had enough stage presence to lift his face, utter the sweetest little kitten cry and settle back down again.
“Oh my freaking God, he’s so cute!”
“Did you guys have a nice holiday?” I asked her.
“Yes, but we missed you. There was like, zero drama,” Rebecca laughed. “And Dad got a new video game, but he has no one to play with, so he’s pouting. What about you?”
“Also zero drama. Rocco and I hung out and watched Christmas movies.”
“Can I please have my phone back, so I can speak to my assistant?” E.G announced from off camera.
“Fine. Bye Anna!”
“Bye!” I called out. “And tell your parents I said Merry Christmas!”
“I will.”
E.G.’s face filled my screen and there it was again. The sense that everything was okay in my world now.
“You prepared for your driving test tomorrow?”
“I am.”
“I’m sorry I can’t be there to take you…”
“No, I’m good. Claire’s going to take me. She wants to come over and meet Rocco anyway.”
He smirked. “My Christmas present seems to be very popular.”
“He is.” Then I had to ask because it had been on my mind ever so slightly. “Are you sorry I didn’t get you a real Christmas present?”
“You’re saying my cat’s not real?”
“Come on, E.G., you know what I mean. I just felt like it was a trap. You basically announced you weren’t going to like anything I got you. I was being set up to fail, so I went the other way.”
“What way was that?”
“Utter happiness. Who knew you could have that with a small donation to an animal shelter?”
“Hmm. But he’s still my cat, right?”
“Absolutely. You can see him whenever you want.”
“I’ll keep that in mind,” he looked away from the phone for a second, then looked back. “Well, I just wanted to say, you know. Merry Christmas. I’ll be in the office on Monday.”
“Yep.” I was certain he was going to hang up then. My chest tightened. “Did your family get you any presents?”
“Hmm? What was that?”
“I mean, obviously, I would have been an absolute failure at the whole gift giving thing, but surely your parents or Rebecca would know what you like.”
“No, we don’t do presents. Mostly, I think, because they don’t want me to get them anything, even though I do. I can’t help myself. My dad’s new video game, that was me.”
“I’m sorry then. For real,” I said, oddly a little sad. “That I didn’t get you something. Just for you.”
“Rocco is my cat, Flowers. I’m not releasing you from that agreement.”
I laughed. “Of course. Rocco, want to say goodnight to Daddy?”
I shifted his butt a little and again he picked up his head, his bad eye shut, his good eye just a slit. He mewled on command and I could hear E.G.’s soft chuckle
“I’m sure you can see the resemblance,” I told him.
“Yes, he’s a very handsome ginger.”
“Ha. Are you flying back Sunday?”
“Yes.”
“Not private, though? That’s bad for the environment.” I didn’t think he had a private jet. That felt a little too high maintenance for someone who had only flown once since I’d known him. Which had been less than a year. Not that long, really, for someone to become so important.
“Commercial all the way. But I’m still allowed first class, right?”
“Acceptable,” I said. I was running out of small talk and E.G. as a rule didn’t make small talk.
I wasn’t sure where it came from. Maybe it was just the general melancholy of the season. Or the fact that we’d never gone this long without seeing each or…
Or all the other things I never wanted to put a name to but lived in my head.
“If you don’t get back too late on Sunday and want to come by and see Rocco, that would be okay. You didn’t really get a chance to get to know him on Wednesday.”
His face changed then. An expression I’d never seen before, but only because maybe he’d been hiding it this whole time.
And maybe that’s what I looked like too, because in that moment I didn’t think I could hide anything either.
“Is that what you want?” He asked the question so softly. Like there was so much more implied than what I suggested. Like I was asking for way more than a drive-by cat visit.
Because I was.
“Is that what you want?” I returned, because I didn’t want to answer the question.
His head dipped and I heard his sigh so clearly through the phone.
“Flowers, what I want is to go back seven months and for you to get the suite number right.”
“Oh.” There was a lot to unpack in that statement, so I didn’t try.
“And I also want to come see you, like a physical goddamn ache.”
“He’s just a cat, E.G.” I said with a small smile. “Don’t make it out to be such a big deal.”
He laughed. “Yeah. Okay. I’ll swing by after I’m home.”
“Only if you want.”
Grant
I hung up the phone, not really certain what I was feeling.
Melancholy to be sure. Flowers had opened a door with her invitation. One, intellectually, I knew I should slam back in her face.
Only, I hadn’t. In fact, I was pretty sure I’d accepted her.
It could have been innocent.
Come over. See the cat I got you. Have a drink. Watch a movie with me.
It all led to the same place.
I was going to fuck her.
“What’s that face?” Rebecca asked me, sitting on the couch, facing me like an eager puppy.
“Am I making a face?” I asked, not looking at her.
“Yes.”
We were in my parent’s living room. Spacious, high ceilings, lots of windows to let in the Florida sky.
And comfortable furniture. Lots and lots of comfortable furniture.
A Christmas tree stood in a corner of the room, fully decorated with ornaments from Christmases past that seemed absolutely incongruous with the seventy-degree temperature outside.
“It’s your all joy is gone face,” she elaborated. “You wore it for years, we’d hoped…well, things were different the last time we saw you, so we had hope that maybe you were deciding instead to choose happiness.”
“That’s not a choice you can make. You either are or you’re not.”
Rebecca shook her head. “That’s not true. You can make decisions. Put yourself in places. And spend time with people who make you happy instead of sad. Like with your family. Or other people.”
“What are you getting at?” Because I sensed she’d been holding this in for the past hour, actually. Since my parents had gone to bed.
“I think you should move here.”
“Move,” I repeated. “Here.” As if she were insane.
“Why not?” Rebecca said. “You have no roots in Texas. You’re only there because that’s where Allison was from. Why not come to Florida? You can work anywhere. One place is as good as the next.”
My jaw dropped. “Allison is in Houston.”
“Allison is buried in Houston, Grant.”
In a plot her parents had purchased for both of us. I thought it was morbid at the time, but they had this idea that we should all be buried together as a family.
I couldn’t leave Texas.
I couldn’t leave her. Although, suddenly my brain was confused, because I wasn’t entirely sure which her I meant.
“Same difference.”
“Not even a little,” she said quietly. But she leaned back against the couch and away from me as if she sensed I needed space.
“And what about Anna?” I shot back. “You’re suggesting I fire her? Just when she’s gotten her footing?”
Yes, I saw the irony in that statement. That’s exactly what I was planning on doing in a couple of weeks, but my sister didn’t need to know that.
My sister also didn’t know I was seriously thinking about seducing Anna.
Yeah, definitely not going to share that.
“Don’t be obtuse,” Rebecca said, as if what I’d suggested was ridiculous. “Of course you’d bring her with you. She has no ties to Texas either. You two can go wherever you want.”
“We’re not some goddamn couple, Becks,” I snapped. Feeling a bit too defensive. “You need to get that shit out of your head.”
I stood then and shoved my phone in my back pocket. Moving away from her, I fixed on the tree in the corner with its shiny red, green and gold ornaments and Christmas characters. All sparkle and light, as if an ornament could make a person feel a certain way.
Pushing on a particularly impish Christmas fairy, I watched it sway back and forth.
“I loved Allison. She was my soulmate. She died and so I’m done with that part of my life. This,” I said, waving my hand in the air, glancing back over my shoulder, “all of it, is just killing time.”
“I’ll try not to take offense at that.” Rebecca said. Then, after a beat, she added, “Allison was the last person who would want that kind of life for you.”
“Yeah, well, she doesn’t get a say.”
“What about Anna?” Rebecca fired at me.
“What about her?”
“She’s already enamored with you, if not halfway to falling in love.
Please tell me you’re not blind to that fact.
You’re going to crush her. You certainly tried on Thanksgiving.
Don’t think I don’t get what that was about.
If you continue down this road of self-immolation, you’ll take her out in the process. ”
Of course I wasn’t going to do that. I was going to push her out of my orbit long before that happened.
I turned all that guilt into anger and fired it back at my sister, who could still apparently get under my skin after all these years. I knew her vulnerabilities like the back of my hand.
“You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. You want to believe some silly romantic nonsense, go ahead. I can’t stop you. Better yet, why don’t you get your own love life? Stay out of mine.”
“I’m trying to help-”
“You’re trying to avoid your own disastrous dating history. How much money did Marco steal from you, again? Wait, that was my money.”
The first sound she’d made was harsh, but she tried to cover over it by laughing.
“Standard Grant maneuver. You poke him with a stick, he stabs you back with a sharp knife. Well done.”
“Becks, I didn’t mean…” I trailed off because I didn’t know what I’d meant to do.
Not hurt her. Just stop her from talking about Anna.
“You’re right. I’m not dating anyone. Haven’t since Marco, because that kind of betrayal is something a person needs time to heal from.
Not because I’ve given up on love. I’m still hopeful.
I’m always hopeful. That I’ll find someone who I connect with.
Someone who it just works with, almost immediately.
And when that happens, I’ll treasure it.
Because I know how rare and special it is.
What I won’t do is throw it away. Call it silly romantic nonsense,” she said, getting off the couch, her chin practically hitting the ceiling.
“And when it’s Christmas, close to midnight, I’m alone, and I realize the only person I want to talk to is that person, I won’t be so stupid as to play it off as nothing. Good night.”
She stormed out of the living room and I was left alone to consider what she’d said. All of it.
A choice. To be happy. When I thought contentment was the most I could achieve.
Happiness?
Was that actually possible?