Chapter 31 – Anna
THIRTY-ONE
ANNA
She knew she was making a mistake. But she couldn’t make herself stop.
Sunday Night
I heard the knock on the door and jumped. Which was silly. I knew he was coming. He’d texted me when his plane landed. I offered to drive out to the airport and pick him up.
Yes, I’d passed my driver’s test and now had a valid license.
There wasn’t anything about this that was unknown. Yet, I’d felt this crazy tension since I’d asked him to come over.
I rubbed my hands on my jean covered thighs and walked over to open the door. He was standing there in jeans and a light gray thermal, no coat. His reddish gold hair and green eyes so distinct, but a little out of focus.
Because there were tears in my eyes? Was I that happy to see him? He’d only been gone four days.
“Hey,” he said.
“Hi,” I answered, once I was certain my voice wouldn’t crack. “Come in.”
He stepped inside and looked around. He’d been here before so I didn’t know what he was thinking. Not much had changed other than I had a stuffed white lamb and blue and purple plastic mice with fuzzy tails scattered all over the floor. A new food and water dish on a mat in the kitchen.
Rocco was asleep on the bean bag chair, his favorite spot to curl into when he wasn’t sleeping on me.
“Did you have a nice time visiting with your family?”
He shrugged and shoved his hands in his pockets. “Rebecca and I got into a fight. I apologized, but she was pretty icy to me the rest of the weekend. Good thing I bought her a house for her to retreat to.”
“What did you fight about?”
He bent down over Rocco and stroked him along the top of his ears. Rocco lifted his head for more contact, not shy about loving the attention no matter who it came from.
E.G. then sat down on the couch.
“You still have my bottle?” he asked.
I nodded and made my way to the kitchen. I poured him a drink and one for myself, even though I was still not a fan. It felt like I was going to need it. I came back from the kitchen and saw him staring at Rocco.
“Why did you pick the blind one?”
I handed him his glass and then stood awkwardly beside him as I sipped, then coughed on my own drink.
“He’s not totally blind. Just one bad eye. I was afraid he wouldn’t get adopted. Because he needed the surgery.”
“Why didn’t you get adopted?”
I blinked. It wasn’t a question I got asked a lot. People inside the system knew not to bring it up. Not being chosen into a family was always the elephant in the room for any foster kid.
People outside the system were always too afraid of the answer.
The simple answer was I didn’t know. The hard answer was the truth.
“My mom was addicted to drugs when she had me. I was a pretty sick baby. That’s what they told me, anyway.
Apparently, there had been a couple who was going to adopt me, but they backed out when the doctor told them about the potential risks associated with my condition.
But I’m happy to say, I proved them all wrong. I stand before you utterly healthy.”
He huffed. “Come sit with me.”
I did. I sat on the couch. Not pressed against him, but not very far away either.
“I missed you,” he said.
And my chest filled with the strangest ache I’d ever known. “I wasn’t entirely sure what this feeling was. I’ve never felt it before.”
“I never wanted to miss anyone again,” he admitted.
Like I had absolutely no control over it, I rested my head against his shoulder. He didn’t move and neither did I. We just sat there, my drink in my hands, while he sipped his. Rocco’s bigger-than-his-size kitten snoring was our soundtrack.
“Why did you ask me to stop by?” he asked after a while.
“You wanted to see the cat,” I told him. Except I knew it wasn’t true.
“Try again, Flowers.”
“Okay, maybe I wanted to see you. Not in the office, though. Here with me. That’s pretty messed up.”
“Yet, here I am. But if you want something else, you’re going to have to ask for it. I’m not a mind reader.”
His voice soft, but dark and intimate. Like it had already happened. Like I’d already asked him for what I wanted and he’d agreed.
Like we were already lovers and so he spoke to me like a lover would.
Not a friend. Not a boss. Just my whole world. Which might have been humiliating if I didn’t know that I was his whole world too.
“This is probably a bad idea,” I said lamely, instead of answering him.
“Not probably. It’s a horrible idea. But I don’t think either of us can walk away from it at this point. It’s always been there. Hasn’t it?”
From the first time I saw him. Even though he didn’t really know when that was.
“Yes,” I agreed. “But I’ve done an excellent job of ignoring it, so I should get points for that.”
“Will I be your first?”
“No,” I admitted. “There was a boy at the home.”
“Was it consensual?”
I nodded. “But it was sort of awful and didn’t take very long. I guess I just didn’t see the point. There was always something bigger to worry about.”
“It’s the man’s responsibility to make you see the point,” he nudged my shoulder with his. “Are you scared?”
“Totally,” I said.
“I’ll make it good for you. You have to trust me on that, Flowers.”
“Oh, I’m not scared of the sex part, it’s everything that comes after.”
He didn’t say anything to that, which confirmed my fears.
“Will I be your first? Since Allison?”
I lifted my head from his shoulder so I could see his face and watched as he slowly nodded.
“You still remember how to do it though, right? Because I have to say, I’m probably going to need a little coaching.”
He turned to me and it felt like his eyes pierced my heart. Along with all the other parts of me.
Yeah, I thought. He still remembers how to do it.
“Let’s go to bed, Flowers.”
“Okay.”
In the end, it was just that simple. And, of course, not simple at all.
E.G. led me by the hand into my bedroom. The light next to my bed was on and he walked over to it with a purpose.
“On or off?” he asked.
Oh. Right. We could do this in the dark. That might be easier. Not to have to actually see everything. Although…
“Isn’t that part of the fun? Seeing all the stuff after all this time?”
He grimaced, but he left the light on. “Are you going to remind me every second what an innocent you are, Flowers?”
I shrugged. “Maybe? Are you going to call me Flowers the whole time?”
He cupped my cheek in his hand. His eyes locked on mine. I couldn’t look away. I didn’t ever want to look away.
“Anna, are you sure you want to do this?”
I nodded. I had no doubt about that. E.G. was the one. Maybe not my first, but he was the one I’d waited for to start this part of my life. There was a sense of certainty in that. I knew him, but more importantly, he knew me.
What we had between us was different than anything I’d ever experienced with anyone. And while I knew that having sex with him was going to plunge everything else into uncertainty, I also knew this moment had been inevitable.
It was like that line from an old movie I loved. “The sex part always gets in the way.”
E.G. and I were never going to be able to get around this. We were never going to be able to pretend enough that the sex part wasn’t always there.
Because it wasn’t about sex. Not really. It was something bigger than that.
I should tell him about the first time we met.
Except, I didn’t know how he would react and I didn’t want to ruin this moment. This was mine to have. Whatever the consequences. And I knew so much about consequences. It felt like my whole life was a series of avoiding them, only to ever end up in the worst possible position.
So why not take this? Why not have this?
No matter the outcome, I would survive him. It’s what I told myself, anyway.
I took a step back and pulled off my shirt, then quickly unfastened my jeans and stepped out of them. Standing in front of him in my very sensible bra and panties, I felt both vulnerable and oddly, seriously turned on.
Because it felt like this was always supposed to be how he saw me.
It also helped that he was looking at me like he was starving. For me.
His eyes roamed up and down my body without hesitancy. Like maybe this was a thing he’d always wanted to do but had been holding himself back because he knew he couldn’t.
“I want to see you, too,” I said. I wanted him to be naked. All the way.
“In a second. It might hurt a little at first. If you’ve only done this the one time,” he said, even as he wrapped an arm around my back and pulled me closer.
“Isn’t that your responsibility, too? To make it hurt less?” I said, my breath catching, because even though he was still dressed I could feel the heat emanating from his skin.
With a casual flick of his hand, he undid my bra and tossed it on the floor. His big hand cupped my breast and I let out a whoosh of breath. He used his thumb to rub against my hard nipple, and when that wasn’t enough, he pinched it.
Hard.
Harder.
It hurt and it didn’t hurt. I didn’t know why, but I felt it between my legs.
“Pain is all part of it,” he murmured, as both hands played with my breasts. “It’s the thing no one ever tells you. Smashing two bodies together is never easy.”
“There’s going to be smashing involved?” I teased him.
He huffed out a laugh but continued to focus on my breasts.
Cupping their weight, teasing the tips. Gripping them. Suddenly, I was thrilled with the extra cup size I’d grown into since food had become a constant in my life.
“Does this feel good?”
I let my head drop back and moaned. “Yes. More of that. Please.”
Except, instead of pulling on my nipples with his fingers, he dipped his head and then his wet mouth surrounded one. He sucked it between his teeth and I immediately felt another sharp tug between my legs.
“Oh, shit.”
This wasn’t going to be gentle, I realized. It was going to be urgent and hurt, like he said, and I wanted all of it. Right now.
Only I never wanted him to stop sucking on my nipple.