Chapter 37 – Grant
THIRTY-SEVEN
GRANT
He was lost. Like he’d been abandoned on an island called Earth. Again.
I stood at the foot of my wife’s grave and hung my head. Then I lifted it, because if I was going to do this, I was going to be a man about it.
“I…”
How the hell did I do this?
“I met someone,” I confessed. “No, that sounds like it started out a certain way. I kissed someone. Which is probably what you care about. Not just some aimless fucking to let off steam. Although I did…fuck her too. Sorry, make love. I know you hate that word. Not that it was love. It wasn’t. It was just…something.”
Six weeks before, after I’d fucked Flowers on her desk, I’d left her there. Just walked out of the office and kept on walking until I knew she’d be gone for the day.
Eventually, when I got home that night, significantly less sober, there was a text from her.
Flowers: Call Tom Daniels.
I did.
Told him she was smart, efficient, utterly competent and very curious. All things that made for an exemplary employee. He’d thanked me and asked me when she could start.
I’d told him as soon as he needed her and he asked if she could start within the week.
I texted her back that I’d called him and I didn’t go into the office for the rest of the week.
Figured I was being noble by giving her a chance to pack up all her stuff and leave without my insufferable presence.
She’d been working for him these past few weeks.
Of course, I’d done my research on him. Went as far as hiring a private investigator to find out everything I could about Daniels.
I don’t know what I was hoping for, but the investigation was a disappointment.
He was a solid guy. No criminal background. No complaints from any employees, current or former. Never married, no kids. He was seeing a woman his age casually, but it appeared he was married to the job.
Would he fall under Flowers’ spell too? Would her mix of worldliness and innocence fascinate him?
Would he ache for her?
“Fuck!”
Quickly, I glanced around, but it was the middle of the morning and I was alone among the dead.
“Rebecca thinks I should move to Florida,” I told Allison’s headstone. “Be closer to her and my folks. It would mean leaving you behind, though. So I won’t do it. I won’t go.”
It would also mean leaving Flowers behind.
Even though she’d already left me.
Did she think about me? Did she wonder what I was thinking about her?
“You know why I have to do what I’m going to do today, right?
You, more than anyone else, would understand.
I didn’t use a condom. I came inside of her.
If she’s…well, I have to know. It’s not that I have to see her.
Or that I miss her or want her back. So much.
It’s not that, Allison. I would have let her go.
Any other circumstance and I would have walked away and not looked back.
For you. I swear it. But I have to know. ”
There was no condemnation from the grave. No judgement. No answer at all, in fact.
There never was. Because Allison was dead. Gone. And she was never coming back. No matter what I did. No matter how many times I begged for forgiveness.
It was such a stupid fight.
We were coming back from the OB/GYN. I wanted to tell the world she was pregnant, but she wanted to wait.
After two previous miscarriages, she said she wasn’t telling anyone until she was at least five months along, but that seemed crazy to me.
I accused her of being in denial. She accused me of not being sensitive to her feelings.
And then a truck was weaving into our lane and I didn’t react quickly enough.
I didn’t just kill my wife that day. I killed our child too.
No one knew that part. Not her parents, not my parents. I didn’t tell anyone. Only her doctor knew. But if I never saw him again, if I never looked him in the eyes again, if I never acknowledged what he knew…
Then maybe it wasn’t real.
Except it was. It was real because I knew.
“I have to know,” I whispered.
I turned my back on Allison’s grave and made my way back to the car.
I’d already stopped at the pharmacy. The white bag with the pregnancy test inside sat on the passenger seat daring me to take action.
Flowers’ Apartment
She was home. It was Saturday morning, so she could have been anywhere out running errands. I was prepared to wait all day if I needed to. But I spotted her car in the parking lot and was instantly nervous, fearful and excited at the same time. I made my way up the stairs to her apartment.
The bag clutched in one hand, I knocked on her door with the other.
What if some random dude opened the door?
What if fucking Tom Daniels opened the door?
Shit. I could feel the rage building inside me already. If that happened, I was probably going to go to jail for assault today.
Would Flowers bail me out?
The door opened and I watched her facial expression go through about fifteen different variations of emotions before she settled on resigned. Almost like she knew I’d eventually show up.
“What’s in the bag?” she asked.
Not, how are you? Are you okay? Are you here because you miss me?
Bad. No. Yes.
Instead, she was focused on the bag now clutched in both my hands.
“I have to know,” I uttered, sounding probably not altogether sane. I tried again. “We had sex. Without protection. I brought a pregnancy test.”
She nodded, not quite looking at me. “That’s why you’re here.”
I was here for so many reasons. “Did you cut your hair?”
It was shorter. Just brushing her shoulders.
“I read an article about cutting your hair to help you…it doesn’t matter. What makes you think I’m going to take that test?”
That startled me. I wasn’t expecting defiance.
“Why wouldn’t you?”
“My body. My business.”
“No. Not just your business. If I made you pregnant, that’s my business too.”
“You don’t owe me anything, E.G. And what you don’t know, can never be your responsibility. Go home to your tomb and forget I exist. That’s what you want.”
She was about to shut the door on me, but I put a hand up against the door to stop her from closing it in my face.
“I get that I’m the problem. I do,” I told her. “And maybe it’s fucked up, but I can also tell you I’m not going to be able to walk away without knowing. If you don’t take this test, I’ll hire someone to follow you night and day until I know for sure.”
She closed her eyes, her mouth tight.
“You know I’ll do it. You know I will.”
“Fuck,” she muttered. Then opened her eyes. “I don’t need to take the test. I already know.”
I inhaled a breath and knew without a doubt that whatever she said next was going to change everything.
Either for the better or the worse. Because if she wasn’t pregnant, I would have to walk away.
If she wasn’t pregnant, then I had to honor my commitment to my wife.
I had to. If she wasn’t pregnant, then there would be no reason to ever see her again.
“Say it,” I demanded, when it looked like she might not. “Just say it.”