Chapter 12 Changeup
Chapter twelve
Changeup
Derby
It had been three days since Godwin’s leave me alone email.
I still couldn’t believe it. I wanted to curl up and cry, or maybe spend a few days hiding under a blanket. I didn’t even know what to do with it. After trying a few times to reach him with no luck, I gave it up and focused on my job.
We won two out of three games, then headed to Mobile for a break, which meant practice. It was nice to be in our own clubhouse for once. I slapped the ball into my glove, preparing to throw out some heat to some of our best hitters.
My heart wasn’t in it, though.
Garcia hit a long ball, right over the fence.
I shook my arm out, hoping to shake off everything else bothering me. It didn’t help much and made for a long practice.
The guys gave me hell in the locker room while I iced my arm. I should have expected it, but it was typical razzing. Everyone had an off day now and then, and at least this was during practice. But ultimately, I had to snap out of it.
I met Amy out front, she’d arranged to have my SUV driven down for me, so I could go ahead and head up to Brexlin, but I was debating getting a hotel and staying the night before heading out the next day. Because I was tired. And a little depressed.
She handed me the keys. “Uh, Derby, Before you go, I have to tell you about a weird call I had earlier.”
“Call? With who? My agent?” Who else would be giving Amy a hard time.
“No, no. It wasn’t like that. It was that Nancy from Ellis Homes.”
“Nancy?” That was Godwin’s admin. “What did she want?”
Amy blew out a long exhale. “She said she thought you should know that he’s miserable, and maybe you could do something about it.”
“What?”
“Yeah, because Godwin’s been a real bear to work with lately...Or something like that. She wanted you to stop by the office.”
“Oh.” I had no idea what that meant, but Amy wasn’t finished.
“I don’t know what happened between you, and I don’t want to.” She held up a hand as if to stop me from talking, but I didn’t have anything to say about it. “I know it isn’t my business.”
“Uh, you’re my friend. If you have something to say, I want to hear it.”
“Fine. You were both a lot happier together. If you can straighten things out with him, you should. He’s a good man.”
“Nancy said that?”
“We both said it.”
“I see. Thanks.” I tossed my duffle in the backseat and climbed in the SUV. His email was killing me. I could admit that. And according to what Nancy told Amy, it was killing him too.
I knew why he’d backed away, but I didn’t know what to do about it.
The drive to Brexlin was longer than ever. I went to Momma’s first and helped her with the last of the packing. She wasn’t quite moved in but insisted I stay with her in the new house. I agreed easily, but everywhere I looked, I saw Godwin. How could I not? He’d built this house.
The beautiful soft gray cabinets. He’d suggested we use quartz to keep the costs down but not sacrifice quality or beauty for counter tops. The open and spacious living area. The back porch. Every inch of the place echoed with Godwin’s touch.
Throughout the day, I was quite despondent. I could feel Momma’s eyes on me as we worked, unpacking the last of her boxes, but she didn’t say anything.
By dinnertime, I had to get out of the house. I felt smothered with Godwin’s presence, even though he wasn’t even there. I was about to tell Momma that I needed to go when she smacked me on the back of the head.
“What?” I asked.
“This is good cooking here, and you’re only moving it around on your plate. You’ve made soup out of your mashed potatoes and gravy.”
I stared down at my plate. She wasn’t wrong. “I think I need to get a hotel—”
“Don’t start that with me.” She shoved her chair back, the legs screeching on the new tiles.
“Mom.” I was going to protest, but I didn’t have it in me. I sighed instead and leaned back in my chair. My long legs stretched out under the table.
“Okay. Spill it.”
“Spill what?”
She gave me a soft and gentle smile. “Derby. I’m not stupid.
The last six months, you’ve been bouncing on air, walking around with your head in the clouds.
Every time you’ve been home, you’ve been happier than I’ve ever seen you.
Not that you were unhappy, but this has been.
..well, more. And now?” She held her hand up. “Mope-ville.”
“What? Mope-ville? Nah...” How could I protest? She spoke the truth, but it only made me frown more.
“If you don’t want to tell me what happened, fine.
I get it. But.” She held up her index finger.
She wore her hair pulled back in a ponytail, the gray barely showing through her golden blonde.
I could see more wrinkles around her eyes.
She was getting older, but the light in her eyes still pierced my heart.
“Let me say this one thing. Life isn’t meant to be miserable.
If you’re unhappy, you take steps to get back to happy.
Sometimes one small step is all you can manage, but you keep moving forward. Don’t stand still.”
“I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know what step to take.
” I ran my hand through my hair. It was getting a little long, but I didn’t have time to cut it.
Not when I had to carry around all the broken pieces of my heart and figure out how to put them back together. “I don’t even know what I did wrong.”
“Maybe you didn’t do anything wrong. Maybe he has his own issues.”
My eyes widened. She’d had me pegged from the beginning, and I should have known I couldn’t keep anything from her. “He definitely has his own issues, but I don’t know how to get through to him.”
Momma wiped her mouth with her napkin, and I had the feeling she was simultaneously hiding a smile. Then she cleared her throat and set the napkin on the table. “Persistence, Derby. Same way you’ve done everything in your life.” She winked at me.
“Why are you always right?”
“Cause I’m your momma.”
I still didn’t have a plan in place, but I needed to act. Between Momma’s advice and Nancy’s comments, I was convinced I needed to give it one more try. If he didn’t respond, I would have to figure out how to get on with my life without him, though I didn’t want to.
My feet were itching to take me to him. I cleaned up my plate and kissed Momma on the head. “Don’t wait up,” I told her as I grabbed my keys and walked out the door.
On the drive over to Godwin’s, I kept thinking about what I would say to him. I had a few good opening lines. I played out the scenarios in my head. All of them ended with us in bed, but I worried it could all go wrong. One way or another, I had to try.
I pulled into his driveaway and turned off the vehicle, stalling. “Now or never, Derb-ster!” I told myself with a chuckle, then forced myself to get out.
I rang the doorbell camera. It took a few minutes for Godwin to open the door, but when he did, he peeked out the crack, scowling at me, and barked, “What?”
“Come on, Godwin. Why can’t we give this thing a chance?” I leaned against the door, hoping to open it more.
“It wasn’t meant to be a thing.”
“But it is. It’s been good. I like you.”
“I like you, too.” He huffed then opened the door. “This is only going to end badly.”
“Not necessarily.” I tilted my head, begging for a kiss. I closed my eyes and silently prayed he wouldn’t let me down.
Then his lips pressed against mine, and I let out a sigh. He smoothed his thumb over the spot he’d kissed and stared into my eyes. “Okay, Derby. Let’s talk. Just talk.”
I was practically vibrating with excitement. This was my chance. I didn’t want to blow it, but I also knew that unless Godwin accepted me exactly how I was, that it would never work.
I bounced after him into the living room and cuddled up next to him on the couch. He was shirtless, wearing basketball shorts, and his feet were bare. I thought it was sexy as hell. I wanted to get my fingers inside that elastic band.
Stop.
I couldn’t come across as a horn-dog. I was after more than that. Godwin said talk. So I would talk.
He turned toward me and nudged me with his foot. “What are you doing here?”
“Come on, Godwin.” I grabbed the foot and squeezed it. “You have to know how much I like you. More than anyone. I want more than fooling around.”
Godwin leaned back on the couch, face tilted toward the ceiling. “I don’t know if I can do this. You’re killing me.”
“No, I’m not.” I rubbed his foot. “The way I see it, we have stuff in common, we get along, and we’re great in bed.”
“Surely, you can’t be serious.”
I laughed. “I am, and don’t call me Shirley.”
“Did you just quote Airplane?”
“You started it.”
We both laughed. It felt good with the tension broken, but there was still a lot to unpack here.
“Godwin,” I huffed. “I know I can be goofy, but it’s because I need fun in my life.
My childhood was too, I don’t know, too staunch, dire.
Or at least, it felt that way. I told you how poor we were, and I had a learning disability.
They didn’t know what exactly, but I had a hard time with numbers and shapes.
I’m bad at science. I was okay enough with English to push through, but for a long time, I didn’t think I’d be able to be anything, do anything.
I’d never make my momma proud. Never be able to get us out of the East side.
Never be anything but a dirt-poor, uneducated redneck. ”
“I know that.”
“So now that I’ve overcome that, I need to be happy. You bring me a lot of joy, my friend, and I’m so not willing to give that up.” I shook my head. He had to understand I wouldn’t walk away so easily.
Godwin pursed his lips, making me want to smooth them out with a kiss, but I held back.
I waited. Finally, he said, “I could have done with a little more help in school. Help that didn’t involve getting drunk and having the teacher suck me off.
Maybe I would have stuck it out.” He shrugged, but his face relaxed.
“The only thing I’ve managed to accomplish is running my dad’s business. ”
“That’s no small feat, Godwin. You not only kept it going, but you’ve also improved it. I can see that. Anyone can.”
Godwin looked away and cleared his throat. “Uh...you want a drink or something?”
“Water?”
“Sure. Be right back.” He scrambled into the kitchen, where I could hear him getting drinks together.
He returned before I had enough time to think about what I wanted to say. So I asked him what he wanted to do. “I mean really, really want to do. If you could do anything at all.” I spread my hands wide, hoping he’d understand that I was encompassing the entire world.
“That’s easy. I want to be an architect.” He took a sip of water.
“I should have known. With the matchstick houses and all. Are they kits, or did you design them?”
“The first few were kits, but then I designed the rest,” Godwin admitted.
“I actually sold a few of the design plans I perfected online. Yeah. I want two things out of life, Derby. To be an architect and to have a family. I want to be a dad to some kids like my dad was. I want— It doesn’t matter.
Right now. I doubt I’ll have any of it.”
“Why not? It’s all right in front of you. Just do it.”
“What are you a Nike commercial now?” He shook his head and stared down at his drink. “I can’t. I have this business to run. People are counting on me. I don’t have time to go back to school.”
I didn’t know what else to say to him. If I could give him everything he wanted, I would, but there were some things money couldn’t buy, and if he wanted to make it happen, he had to do it himself.
That much I knew. But...”You should follow your dreams. Any way you can.
” I put my drink on the coffee table, not having drunk any of it, then stood.
“I only have the now. You know? I’m going to play baseball as long as I can.
And enjoy it. Then what? I don’t have any dreams outside of sports.
I only know I want more, a family of my own.
Something that’s going to last, I think we could have that together. ”
Godwin stood and crossed his arms awkwardly. “I don’t know.”
“You don’t have to know. Think about it, though.”
“Are you talking about my dreams or us?”
“Both.”
We stood there staring at each other. I wanted him so much, but I wasn’t going to keep begging him. This wasn’t hot sex on the floor. This was life. “I, uh, I’ll be around tomorrow morning, but I have a flight later in the day.”
“I know. I have your schedule.” He gave me a shy smile that felt a lot like hope, but then he showed me to the door.