Chapter 15 #3
When he heard the door open, Lee set his toothbrush aside and sucked in a shaky breath, avoiding his own eyes in the mirror as he fought the panic flooding his system.
He’d always expected Alex to walk away.
It was a fool’s hope that had prompted Lee to speak up last night, and now he’d pay the price.
If he couldn’t protect his heart, though, he would at least protect his dignity.
He’d be protecting Alex too, saving him from the awkward knowledge that Lee wanted more than Alex was willing to give—something that could also translate into tension on the field when they needed to put the team first.
The smile refused to sit quite right on Lee’s face, but it was the best he could do.
He focused on the effort needed to maintain it rather than the weight in his chest as he left the bathroom and found Alex by the door, toeing off his trainers.
Alex quickly rose to his feet and faced Lee, shoulders straight, his expression conveying a steady kind of resolve that his smile couldn’t fully mask. “Hey. Sorry you woke up alone.”
“No worries.” Lee leaned against the wall next to the bathroom and crossed his legs at the ankle. “Listen, about last night—now that I’m awake, I realize that maybe that came across the wrong way.”
Alex’s brows drew together, his tone careful. “What do you mean?”
“Like, when I said I don’t want this thing with us to end?” Smile. Fucking smile. “I didn’t mean that I’m falling in love with you or anything. Just… I don’t get that many chances to safely fool around with a guy now, do I? And same for you, of course.”
Three seconds of silence that Lee felt acutely, the room tilting slightly on its axis. Then Alex shook his head. “I don’t believe you.”
Lee felt his smile drop, the careful hold he’d had on his expression slipping for perhaps just a blink of an eye before he clawed back control. “Excuse me?”
“I don’t believe you,” Alex repeated, much more confidently now, and why was he fighting the easy way out that Lee offered?
It could be their implicit little deal, a mutually beneficial agreement to pretend that Alex believed Lee, staving off any awkwardness and giving Lee a chance to nurture his bruises in peace.
So why didn’t Alex give him that much, at least?
Lee couldn’t look at Alex anymore. He pushed away from the wall and sat down on the edge of his bed—the one they’d shared last night and the nights before, so maybe it had become their bed, just a little, and—and Alex didn’t believe him.
It didn’t make sense, not after Alex had slipped out this morning. Did it?
“Why don’t you believe me?” Lee asked quietly.
“Because it doesn’t make sense,” Alex said, just as quietly. He took half a step closer, then halted. “I think you’re lying.”
“Well.” Lee’s chuckle turned out watery, and he dropped his head. “Screw you, then.”
Alex took another step closer. “Historically speaking, you seem to have a habit of jumping to conclusions.”
Lee shook his head but stayed quiet, head ducked so Alex wouldn’t see his face.
“Also…” And now Alex’s voice was tinged with a hint of warmth. “I really very much want you to be lying about how you didn’t mean what you said.”
“You want—” Lee looked up sharply, and Alex was smiling at him, this small, tentative thing that grew the moment their eyes met. “But you left,” Lee said, and he hated how helpless he sounded, how needy, when he’d learned early on that he was better off relying on only himself.
“I did, yeah. For a chat with Jeff.”
“So you didn’t freak out?”
“No, I did, just a bit.” Alex perched at the bottom of the mattress, watching Lee for a moment before he continued. “It’s scary when you realize your whole life’s about to change, you know? Even if it’s for the better.”
Alex’s whole life?
Lee frowned. “What do you mean? I didn’t ask for, like… I don’t know—your hand in marriage and your father’s blessing. Oh, and a unicorn, while we’re at it.”
“Yeah, I know. But when you said that you don’t want this to end…
” Alex shuffled up the bed and touched Lee’s wrist. “When you said that you don’t want us to end—up until now, I always assumed we had to because that’s just the way it is.
And then, when I woke up this morning, I realized that it’s up to me.
” His smile brought out a lone dimple. “Well, to us, obviously. But I realized that I don’t have to blindly follow a certain path just because my parents paved it before I was even born, guardrails and all. ”
It hurt, how much Lee wanted him. He exhaled through it, staring at Alex’s fingers that were still loosely clasped around his wrist. “What exactly are you saying?”
“I’m saying that this thing here?” Alex waved his free hand between them. “I’d like to make it real.”
Something in Lee’s chest loosened abruptly, and finally, finally he could fit enough air into his lungs. “It’s already real,” he told Alex.
“Let’s put a label on it, then.” Alex’s second dimple staged an appearance, and Lee didn’t know why that was what swung it for him, his disbelief melting away.
He turned to drag Alex closer, pushed him over onto his back so he could stretch out on top of him.
Alex went easily, grinning, his legs coming up to frame Lee’s body.
Up close, the hazel of Alex’s eyes was speckled with flecks of green.
“So.” Lee dipped his head to let their lips catch, aiming for a cheesy tone. “Wanna go steady?”
“Yes.” Alex paused. “On one condition.”
“You already said yes.”
“On one condition,” Alex repeated. “Next time, you don’t just jump to conclusions. Ask me, all right? Let’s fight about it if we need to. But don’t just give up.”
It triggered a faint memory of Alex saying that he counted on Lee to not just walk away, trusted him to stay and fight. Lee would have. Of course he would have—if he’d realized there was anything to fight for.
He curved a hand around Alex’s jaw and kissed him, slow and deep, until Alex was pliant under him, fingers loosely fisted in Lee’s T-shirt.
Only then did Lee pull back slightly, just enough to meet Alex’s eyes.
“I wasn’t giving up just because, yeah? I thought I was doing you a favor, giving you an easy way out.
Also saving my dignity, and protecting the team from any fallout. ”
Alex tipped his chin up. “Because you jumped to conclusions.”
“You didn’t say anything last night and you were gone this morning. What was I supposed to think?”
“That between the mess with my dad and this thing with us, my life’s been tipped upside down and I needed a moment to process?”
Okay, that was fair.
“Yeah, guess that could have occurred to me.” Lee glanced away. “I’m just not—I don’t ask for things. From people. But I asked you for something, and then you were gone.”
Alex brought one hand up to cup the back of Lee’s neck, the touch warm and light. When Lee looked back at him, Alex’s eyes were serious. “Why did you ask, then?”
Lee paused before he replied. “Because I was even more scared to lose you.”
It wasn’t quite an admission of just how much Alex had come to mean, but it was pretty damn close.
Lee pressed his tongue against the roof of his mouth as he watched Alex’s face, holding his breath as he waited for a reaction.
He got it in the form of Alex uttering a soft, “Lee,” before they were kissing again, minutes melting away against the faint buzz of voices that passed outside their door.
Fuck, Lee loved him.
It didn’t feel heavy anymore. Instead, it filled Lee with a bright sense of calm, like underwater rays of light. Even if Alex wasn’t there yet—well, Lee could be patient, now that the deadline looming over them had faded away.
They’d get a short few weeks off after this, before they’d have to return for pre-season training with their clubs.
Lee had intended to spend part of that time traveling with his sisters and part of it relaxing at home, but he hoped there was room for a change of plans.
France, maybe? Or a week in Sweden or in the Alps?
Escape the summer heat, rent a little cabin by a lake or a mountain chalet that was just for them?
A loud bang on their door startled them apart.
“Breakfast!” Jeff called out, and Alex huffed out a laugh as he met Lee’s eyes. Alex’s cheeks were flushed, hair a mess, and Lee suspected he himself didn’t fare any better. They’d need a moment before they went down.
“Coming!” Alex yelled in the direction of the door.
“TMI, mate.” Another knock underlined the statement. “Make it quick—I’ll save you both a seat.” With that, Jeff presumably moved on.
Alex snorted, voice pitched for Lee’s ears only.
“Fun fact? If this was anyone but Jeff, we’d have been outed just now.
” He didn’t sound terribly upset at the idea, and that was something they’d need to discuss because while Lee wasn’t in a rush to come out publicly, he could see himself wanting to do so eventually. He had no idea where Alex stood.
A conversation for another time, though. Today, they needed to focus on Belgium.
So all Lee said was, “He’s your best mate, and I’m judging.”
“They do say we become an average of the five people we spend the most time with.” Alex’s soft laugh tempted Lee right back into another kiss, just one more, before he rolled off Alex and onto his back, taking a moment to adjust himself in his shorts.
When he glanced over, Alex was watching him with open interest. Lee grinned, couldn’t help it. “Hold that thought.”
“Right.” Alex nodded, gaze still focused south of Lee’s belly button.
“Breakfast,” Lee told him gently, and Alex nodded again, then blinked and looked away, shoving a hand through his hair.
“Right, yes. Breakfast.”
Predictably, they were the last ones to arrive.