Chapter 6
CHAPTER SIX
The incredibly loud, yet tender sound of a saxophone crooned outside of my home. Driven by its beauty, I abandoned my vanity mirror and followed the sound to my window. I spread the lace curtains and split the blinds with both hands. Small, fine bumps pained my skin as they mounted.
Brown skin glistened in the darkness of the night. With a rounded spine and straight shoulders, Saul poured his heart into the mouth of the instrument. His eyes were closed, but he was open.
Open to love.
Open to newness.
Open to the possibilities.
Open to a life partner.
Open to me.
Open to us.
He’d expressed it day after day.
Text after text.
Conversation after conversation.
Encounter after encounter.
Letter after letter.
The wetness from my eyes rested on my freshly enhanced natural lashes. The slightest blink sent them onto the ledge of my window seal.
“To be desired. Wholly,” I whispered with quivering lips.
There’s a person in the world who made me feel as if it was impossible in this lifetime.
And, even my father’s love couldn’t prove them wrong.
But, here he was. A complete stranger. Enforcing all those things my father had ever told me about those who belong to you always finding you…
always choosing you. No matter who didn’t.
I couldn’t fight my feelings. The beauty of the moment evoked unfiltered emotions, leaving me vulnerable and tender to the touch. I smoothed the wetness from underneath my eyes, sure not to smear my mascara before curling my fingers around the bottom of the frame and pulling upward.
The sound grew louder.
More beautiful.
More intense.
More invigorating.
I peeped my head out of the window. Autumn’s breeze kissed my cheeks. It lifted my loose strands, giving them wings.
My bedroom door crept open, startling me. Quickly, I glanced behind me. My father’s long legs remained behind the threshold.
“He’s some kind of special, Sums.”
I nodded, wiping another tear from my cheeks.
“Yes, Dad. Yes he is.”
My father nodded. “I want him around.”
Smiling through my pleasurable pain, I nodded.
“Me, too. He makes me feel good. He makes me feel wanted. Needed. Valid.”
“Su–”
“And, I know I don’t need a man or anyone to validate my existence. However, it feels good to experience it, nonetheless. I won’t deny that.”
“Her absence isn’t your identity, Sums. It’s your reality. Don’t keep letting her hurt you. She doesn’t deserve that glory.”
“I won’t give it to her anymore.”
“Good, then.”
He quieted his thoughts and grabbed the handle of my door to close it. I was Saul’s again. All ears. All eyes. All everything.
Every time he pushed air through, the saxophone roared. Each time his body leaned forward, it touched another part of my soul. When he reared backward, he awakened another part of my center.
In the end, my hands collided. Over and over. Loudly. Proudly. Pridefully. Gratefully. Happily. Confidently.
“Come here, Miss Summer. Your chariot awaits you.”
“Only if you promise not to have my home by midnight.”
Saul shook his head, gazing up at me in the window.
“I have every intention of holding you hostage until work has you for the week,” he explained.
My smile peeled my lips backward.
“I didn’t know you could play.”
“There’s so much you don’t know about me, Summer, but I promise to take my time and teach you. Day by day, baby.”
I stared, unable to move. He was condemning and liberating at once.
“Put me out of my misery–” he begged.
“Coming down.”
I lowered my window and slipped my arm through the overnight bag I’d had packed since he promised me his weekend. I made it down the stairs and into the living room within seconds.
“Goodnight, old man. Don’t wait up.”
I placed a kiss on his forehead.
“I won’t,” my father coughed.
Out of the front door and down the walkway, I met my lover. The man I knew, undoubtedly, I’d be doing life with. He was as simple as kindergarten math in my book.
The saxophone had disappeared. It was no longer in his hands. I was. All of me his ten fingers, wrists, and arms could handle. My mouth joined his.
“Good evening, my Summer.”
“Good evening,” I hummed against his lips, wishing I was even closer.
Embedded in his skin.
Caressing his brain.
Guiding his thoughts.
“You ready?”
He lowered me to the concrete. My dress flowed past my ankles. The fabric fought against the breeze, toying with my skin with each movement.
“I am.”
He opened the passenger door and assisted me into the truck. I leaned over and pushed his door open as he rounded the back.
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
His right hand roamed my thigh until he found my fingers. As he settled in, he wrapped his around mine. Hand-in-hand, we began the journey toward the park I loved visiting. Toward his place of residence.
The wordless sounds coming from his stereo were soothing. I allowed my head to rest on the seat behind me. I felt heavy and light at once.
“Summer.”
I lifted my head and trained my eyes on Saul.
“Yes?”
With his eyes still on the road.
“Who hurt you?”
His words extracted my heart from my chest. The bloody mess rested in my lap, leaving me without the privilege of concealment. Shame stripped me from head to toe. I was fully clothed and naked simultaneously.
I faced forward, struggling to maintain my composure. Things I’d tucked inside was unearthed. Tonight wasn’t supposed to be about her, but somehow it was. Just like almost every other night.
“Summ–”
“My mother.”
“Your mother?”
“Yes. The woman who pushed me from her womb and as her placenta was delivered, decided that I was no longer her concern. She looked my father in his face and told him that I was his to have. Motherhood already felt like too much of a burden. She didn’t want to restrict her world to that of a child.
“She saw more for herself. More than being my mother. More than being a partner. Or even a co-parent. She wanted nothing to do with the life she was building with my father. She wanted nothing to do with the life she’d created.
“She didn’t have a connection with me. Not even as I laid on her chest screaming, begging for her motherly instincts to take over and for her to cuddle me in her arms or place me on her bosom.
She didn’t want me. Not then. Not ever. She made it completely clear.
Even when I sought after her, I learned she’d changed her name the same year of my birth.
“Any records of the woman my father once knew ended the day I turned six months. My search ended a week after it began and I have felt a hollowing abyss in my chest since. Feeling unwanted. Neglected. Undesirable. Dark.
“Just like shit… It wasn’t until that day at the park– the day we met that I felt something there. That darkness– that hole– light was discovered. And, it’s been growing brighter every day you’ve been here.”
Saul said nothing. His grip around my hand grew tighter. Slowly, he lifted it to his mouth and kissed it gently. I watched the street lights dance on the windshield. So much was happening in my head while nothing at all was happening.
“Fuck her.”
Finally, he spoke.
“Fuck her, Summer. And, fuck everything she ever stood for that didn’t include you.
Unfortunately, we can’t choose our blood but we can choose our family.
This thing between us is new… it’s fresh…
but, I know I’ve chosen well. If you have any doubts about it, I’m ready to clear them right now by promising you’ve chosen the same.
“While words are fleeting, my actions won’t be. I can’t undo what she’s done but I can make it better. The family structure you desire and have never experienced, I will give you that and so much more, Summer. In time. Just a couple summers… falls… winters… and springs.”
I believed every syllable he managed. In every chamber of my heart. With every fiber of my being.
“Just a couple,” I whispered.
Parts of me were mending every time Saul was in my presence. He was good for me. This I understood.
“Just a couple, baby.”
“Thank you.”
“No need for that, Summer. Save that for when I make good on my promises. Thank me with your time, energy, and everlasting love. That’s all I’ll ever ask of you.”
I nodded, agreeing to the terms set forth. “Okay.”