Chapter 10 #2
My fingers split the new novel, turning to the first page. While my head was grieving the time it had lost with words, my heart wasn’t in the same place. I couldn’t make out the first sentence. The words meshed with the paper. I swallowed back my tears.
The pain was too fresh.
The world was too heavy for me to leave behind.
I had to stay here. In this moment. In this hurt. In this pain.
Knock.
Knock.
Knock.
A fist against the wooden structure my father had created for my enjoyment startled me. I lifted the top of my body, searching in the darkness for the person responsible for the disruption. Though I couldn’t see him, I could feel him.
“Miss Summer,” Saul called out, appearing from thin air.
“Saul–”
“If you wanted me to beg, baby, just say it and I will.”
Silently, I watched as he placed a chair in front of the screen door of the porch.
“Or whatever else you want me to do. I just can’t give away another weekend alone. It hurts too much. I miss you and I know you’re in pain. I just don’t want you to bear that weight alone. Put it on me, baby. Give me some of that load. Let me carry that. I have two hands. Two legs. Two shoulders.”
I had no words.
“I know you’ve read beautiful words before. In fact, you’ve probably read the most beautiful words to ever reach the air before. These aren’t those.”
He removed a notebook from his pocket.
“These are just feelings–put into words as best I could… As best I can, because I’m not quite finished. But, I figure it’s a start. A way to at least begin to make sure the love I have for you lives far beyond our years. It’s been said that if you want something to last forever then write it down.”
Comfortably, he sat in the chair and opened his notebook.
“This book is dedicated to My Summer. I’ve never written so many words, but simultaneously, I’ve never felt so many things. So, instead of trying to show you how I feel all the time, I figured I’d translate them into something you know best–literature.
“It’ll likely take me years to finish this publication because every day I find a new reason why I love you and I doubt that ever stops happening. Let’s just call this piece Always. Because I’ll always be feeling new things. Always be seeing new things.
“Always be learning new things. Always be finding new ways to love you. Always be remembering reasons why I fell in love with you. Always. And, when I’m old and gray, I hope to open this book and always be reminded of the love we shared.”
Saul sighed as he turned the page.
“So, here’s to you and here’s to always.”
“Saul–” I cleared my throat, pressing my hand against my wet cheeks.
He had a way with my heart and I knew that he always would.
“I’m not leaving, Summer.”
“I don’t want you to.”
“Then what do you want me to do? I’ll do whatever. I just can’t get in my truck again without you on my passenger seat. I miss you. I want to be here for you. Just tell me how.”
“You’ve been here,” I explained. “Knowing you’re at the door every morning with food for the day and fresh tulips… that’s been getting me through this time. I haven’t forgotten you, Saul. My heart won’t let me. It just– it hurts. And, there’s so much to be said. So much to be discussed.”
“I know.”
“You experienced the woman I’ve been longing for my entire life.”
“I’m sorry–”
“Don’t be. It’s just the way life goes. You know. If fucks you. Really hard. In the ass. No lubrication.”
“Summer, don’t do that.”
“How do we move on? We share a mother.”
“We don’t share a mother, Summer. My mother is dead.”
“But sh–”
“Is my stepmother and I’m not sure how much longer.”
“Family functions, dinners, baby showers, weddings– am I supposed to just–”
“You’re not supposed to do nothing because I will make sure she’s never in a space you are in.”
“She’s your mother.”
“She is not my mother and she is not the stepmother I’ve grown up knowing. She’s a liar, Summer. A fraud. A fake. Everything is a fucking lie. And, she has run the fuck out with me. Hurting you hurt me. She doesn’t get to stick around after hurting me or you. I won’t tolerate it.”
“You can’t just kick her out of your life.”
“I already have.”
“Saul–”
“My father has filed for divorce.”
I sat up straight, all ears.
“Seriously?”
“Her entire image was a lie, Summer. She’s conniving.
The woman my father married would never leave her child.
And, she would never not grant her child access to her in the future.
She would not remarry and play mother to children knowing she had one in the world wanting to be held like she held us.
“Loved like she loved us. Raised like she raised us. Some things you can’t explain or lie your way out of, Summer.
Abandoning a child is one of those. We’re all disappointed in her.
My brother has wanted a sister his entire life.
Wanted her to try once more for a girl. She refused.
It makes perfect sense. He already had a fucking sister. Named Summer. My Summer.”
He paused.
“But what if you hadn’t been MY Summer. What if you would’ve become his Summer?
You feel me? What Angela did is– it’s– Summer, understand that we’re all in your corner.
All of us. This could’ve been much uglier than it is.
Thankfully it isn’t, but that possibility still exists and it disgusts me. She’s dead fucking wrong.”
I nodded, agreeing.
“Joshua–”
Saul looked up at me and exhaled.
“Whenever you’re ready, he wants to meet you.”
“He resembles me.”
Saul lifted his head and then allowed it to fall.
“He does. Do you want to meet him?”
“One day.”
“Fair enough.”
“Did I ruin your father’s dinner?”
“You opened my father’s eyes. He can have twenty more dinners. That doesn’t matter, baby. How are you?”
I shook my head.
“Not good, baby.”
“I feel it.”
“My father is gone,” I wept. “Like, never coming back.”
“Your father died a happy man. You made him so proud, Summer.”
“I know.”
The tears began to flow like a river. Saul stood from the chair he was sitting in.
“Unhook the latch,” he pled. “Please.”
With all the strength I could manage, I stood on my feet. I pushed the latch up, unlocking the porch’s door. Slowly, Saul pulled it open. His arms were like silk, wrapping around my body.
“I love you.”
“I love you, Summer. So much, baby.” He kissed the top of my head. “So fucking much.”
I couldn’t help myself. I sunk into his chest, releasing it all.
Everything.
Leaving nothing behind.
“Mmmm.”
My eyes were sore to the touch. Baffled, I stared up at the ceiling of the back porch, trying to find the strength to get up.
“Good morning,” Saul’s voice echoed in my heart.
I closed my eyes, remembering I had a reason to keep going. His love was enough to get me through this lifetime.
“Good morning,” I groaned.
“Spend the week with me. Let me take care of you.”
I had no words. I lowered my chin.
“Yeah?”
“Mm hm.”
Saul rolled over, on top of me. He peered down at me lovingly.
“We’re going to get through this, Summer. Together. All of it. Okay.”
“Okay.”
He pushed my hair back and rested his lips against mine.
“I have morning breath.”
“So do I.” He chuckled, pulling back. “Now get up, baby. Come lay in my bed.”
“It’s Sunday.”
“Work can’t have me this week. I’m all yours.”
His words lifted my spirit. His hands lifted my body.
“Yeah?”
“Yes, Miss Summer.”
“That would make me happy.”