Chapter Thirty-Six
ADELE
Sisters
Cole looked from me to my sister and back again. “You understand, right? I was so worried—”
My sister pressed her lips together, fighting a smile. “He really likes you,” she teased.
My heart—my healed, but slightly quirky heart—twisted. It was nice to see my sister tease about anything. It wasn’t a side of her I got to see often.
“I love her,” Cole said earnestly.
There went my heart again—skidding, tripping, and falling, cracked wide open. I blinked away the tears.
“I’ll stay in her emergency contacts,” Rowan said. “But, I mean, if you love her…” She looked at me.
I nodded and cleared my throat. I’d never intended to declare my love publicly. And yet, apparently, the situation demanded it. “I love you too, Cole. You know that.”
Rowan looked between us, her amusement fading and her gaze sobering. “Wow, this is not what I expected with you, Adele. You’ve always been so—”
“I might’ve been a little independent,” I said carefully.
She burst out laughing. “You?” she said once her laughter died down. She turned to Cole. “She’s insanely independent. It’s something, all right.”
Cole caught my eyes before he leaned down and gave me a fierce kiss. “I’m gonna take a hallway walk. You two talk.” Haven stood and followed him out with a wave as the door swung shut behind them.
A moment later, it was just me and Rowan. I let out a sigh. “Why does the hospital feel so familiar?” I asked, dryly.
“Well, it does to me,” she said, sitting on the edge of the bed and placing a hand lightly on my calf. “I work in them every day.”
A few beats of silence stretched between us.
“Tell me why you became a cardiac surgeon. I really want to know.”
Rowan’s gaze softened, sadness drifting in the shadows.
“Because I was always worried about you. I guess, subconsciously, I thought if I became the kind of surgeon you needed, I could fix you—your heart—if you ever needed someone again. I remember you had to travel away when you were little, because there wasn’t a cardiac surgeon in Fairbanks. ”
My throat tightened. My memories of my surgeries were vague, punctuated with more sensation than clarity. “Maybe not when I was little,” I whispered. I took a steadying breath. “Are you glad you did it?” I asked. “Because you won’t even be my doctor.”
She chuckled softly. “I know.”
“Do you actually like your job?” I asked.
“Yes, I do. I love it,” Rowan replied. “For the win,” she added with a little eye roll. “I am glad. Maybe I can’t fix your heart, but it helps me to feel like I can do it for other people. And say we end up in a dystopian world and you need a doctor—I could totally take care of you.”
We burst out laughing. “I don’t think I need surgery again,” I said after catching my breath.
She shook her head. “You don’t. But here and there, things might get out of whack. Say, when you fall in love, it might set you up for a few panic attacks. But tell me what happened with Cole. I feel like I’m missing a big piece of this story.”
I let out a sigh and quickly filled her in on the events in Katmai.
“Oh, Adele. Why didn’t you tell me when that happened?”
I shrugged. “Because stuff like that happens every day. It’s the world we live in. And nothing actually happened. I mean, he tried, and I kicked him in the balls. Twice.”
We laughed for a minute, but her gaze sobered. “You are such a badass.”
“I am?”
“Hell, yeah! Of course you’re going to fight. Everything you went through shaped you into who you are today. You want so badly to be independent.”
“I do. I am.”
“I know you are. I feel like we went in opposite directions.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, you want to hike every mountain and never go to the hospital again. I want to be in the hospital all the time and make sure no one else has to go through what you did. It’s not like I want to be in a city. It’s that my job necessitates it, if I want to be a specialist and an expert.”
“I get that. As cities go, Anchorage is pretty awesome,” I offered.
“It is. And now we’re kind of near each other. If you stay in one place,” she teased, tilting her head to the side. “So, finish the story on you and Cole. Because I know you and I think you’re glossing over things.”
“He was hurt because I didn’t tell him the whole story about the guy.
Then, I felt bad. I don’t know—I just didn’t handle it well.
Then, I didn’t want to tell him what was happening when I sensed my heart rhythm getting out of whack because I was panicking that it meant I’d have to come to the hospital.
He came over to check on me, and now I’m here. ”
“You’re going to be okay. Yes, you need to stay on top of things, but you’re going to be fine. You are fine.”
“Panic attacks don’t help,” I said softly. “It probably wouldn’t have gotten so bad if I didn’t start panicking about having to go to the hospital. I hate the hospital.”
“I know you hate the hospital. Maybe we need to do some kind of exposure therapy thing for you, where you go to the hospital when nothing is happening. It might help. Medical trauma is very real.” She paused, her gaze considering. “You could think about talking to a therapist about all of this.”
I eyed her, feeling my tendency to deflect rising swiftly. I beat the urge back. I knew it didn’t help me, even if it had carried me through much of my life. “I’ll think about it, but I already understand what’s happening.” Okay, so maybe I still wanted to deflect.
“Do you though? Because I know you’re experiencing it, but I’m not sure you’ve given it the acknowledgment it needs. There are ways you can make it less awful.”
I shrugged. This was such a loaded emotional place for me, and seeing as I was currently in the hospital, I wasn’t up for too much processing on this. “I promise I’ll think about it.”
Rowan seemed to sense my need to change tracks. “On another note, what are you going to do about Cole? He sure seems like he loves you.”
Heat flashed into my cheeks, but I surprised myself. “Well, I definitely love him.”
“So, I should give you two some privacy when he gets back, huh?” she teased. “And definitely add him to your emergency contacts because he’s here. I don’t mind at all being one of your contacts. I want to be there for you. But maybe it will help him understand what’s going on.”
“Well, maybe you could explain it?” I pressed.
Rowan’s eyes widened, her brows flying up. “Are you serious?”
“Please? He’s a little stressed. And you can assure him I’m not going to die.”
As if on cue, there was a light knock at the door. We called out in unison, “Come in!”
Cole peered in, and Rowan gestured him inside, announcing, “She’s not going to die.”
Cole’s eyes went wide.
“I mean, we’re all going to die at some point, but Adele’s heart’s fine.
All you need to know is that on occasion, the rhythm of her heartbeat can still get out of whack.
It’s unsettling and disconcerting, but she has medication she can take before it gets too bad and preferably not have a panic attack about it because that’ll make it worse.
If the medication isn’t enough, she needs to come to the hospital and they will try a few other things.
The hospital in Willow Brook has all her records. ”
“But why did it get so bad this time?” Cole pressed, looking between us. “She was pale and shaking when I found her.”
“Because she waited too long, and because my sister is fucking stubborn,” Rowan said bluntly.
“Oh. Ohhhh,” Cole replied, his gaze meeting mine.
“Yeah. She likes to think she doesn’t need to ask for help when, sometimes, she actually does.” Rowan didn’t hold back, letting out a chuckle. “Stubborn.”
Cole looked between us, his expression dismayed.