Chapter 12 Brianna
Brianna
Now is not the time for self-deprecating
I stare at Avery’s contact photo for what feels like forever.
It’s a photo of both of us, cheeks pressed together with matching, cheek-splitting grins.
Fuck, I miss my best friend. I miss our sleepovers and our at home spa days.
But what I yearn for the most is talking to her.
My head is a complete clusterfuck, and I need my bestie's help.
Of course, whenever I gather the courage to reach out, intrusive thoughts pull me back into their darkness.
She hates you. Who ignores their best friend?
Why does my mind have to always kick me when I’m down? I already feel like shit ghosting my best friend, but my anxiety likes to constantly remind me. I tug at the loose collar of my sweatshirt, overcome with the feeling of being suffocated. My heart gallops like a wild stallion inside my chest.
Be brave, Bri. You can’t keep letting your anxious thoughts win.
I hit the call button, our faces illuminating the entire screen. There’s no time to contemplate what I want to say because the sweet, musical voice of my best friend sounds through the other end of the phone after one ring.
“Oh my God, Bri. H-Hey, how are you?”
How am I? I’m not sure how to answer that question. I don’t want to lie to her nor am I wanting to tell her the ugly details of my current mental status. So, I go with a basic ass answer.
“I-I’m doing okay.” I take a slow, deep breath to collect myself. “Aves, I’m so fucking sorry. I’ve been the worst friend. You probably hate me. I mean, I would hate myself, too, if I was being ghosted. I—”
“Brianna, stop. I don’t hate you. I could never hate you. I just…Well, I miss you.”
Avery’s tears set off a chain reaction, and now we are both a blubbering mess of I’m sorry and I miss you.
I don’t know why I expected anything else from Avery; empathy oozes from her pores. But my mind hasn’t been the kindest to me as of late. Despite my toxic mental health, I’m able to admit how I’ve been feeling, and I’m damn proud of myself.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve lied saying everything was great, I could put a nice downpayment on a new car.
Speaking of driving, I need a new car since mine was totaled.
I have the means to get one. My car wasn’t fully paid off, so the insurance company issued a decent size check for a future new car.
But thinking about driving still has my brain spiraling.
Getting a new car feels like a fuck you to my brother. And then getting a new car means actually driving said car. And then if you drive, then you’ll have to drive past the scene of the accident.
Yeah…Driving is still a no for me. I’ll tackle that item on my list…eventually. Maybe this is something my therapist can help me with.
“Bri?” Avery asks, interrupting my downward spiral.
“I’m here. Sorry, I got lost in my head, what did you say?”
“You don’t have to apologize for that, I get it. I just said I’m so glad to hear your voice again. Y-You sound better.” Avery’s voice quivers on that last word.
“Avery? Are you okay? D-Did I say something to upset you?”
Silence fills the other end of the phone. I feel myself wanting to jump to conclusions, but I know she needs a moment to think.
“Huh? Oh, no, you didn’t. My emotions have just been all over the place lately. A lot has happened, and there’s so much I need to tell you.”
I let out a sigh of relief and I drill it into my mind that what Avery is going through is not my fault. I repeat the mantra, I didn’t do anything wrong. She’s not mad at you over and over in my head. If I say it enough times, maybe it’ll stick.
“Oh, well are you doing anything now?” There. I did it. I’m making progress with getting my old life back.
“Oh.” Avery sniffles, and now we’re both a hot mess for a second time during this phone call. These tears are the healing kind, letting out everything we’ve been holding onto. I guess what they say is true. Sometimes you need to fall apart before you can find yourself again.
“I, um, you can come over if you want. We can watch a movie while eating junk food. Just like old times.”
“I’m already on my way. See you soon. Love you, babes.”
“Love you, too.”
Avery pulls into the driveway about thirty minutes later using her key to enter my home.
The second we see each other, we’re in each other's arms, rocking back and forth.
Tears are a steady stream down my cheeks, and I can feel Avery shake with silent tears of her own.
If I pay close enough attention to my heart, I can feel a small piece of the shattered organ snap back into place.
“I’m so glad you called.” Avery lets out a watery chuckle.
“Me too. I’ve missed you so much. I promise to try harder.
I’m, uh, also sorry about pulling that stunt at your wedding.
I should have formally said my goodbyes, but I snuck out the back like someone sneaking out after a bad one night stand.
” My throat is raw from all the crying. I hug Avery tighter before letting her go.
“Bee. You’ve had a lot going on. You were there for me with everything that happened with Cas and I.
Everyone heals in their own way. I’m just glad you called me.
I don’t care how long it took you to do it.
As for my wedding, I was just happy to share my day with you.
I don’t care about how you left. I understood it then. I understand it now.”
This is one of the reasons I love this woman. She’s still here for me after an extended period of radio silence. Every person needs a best friend like Avery; she’s absolutely incredible.
“I’m so glad you're my best friend. Now, let's load up on junk.”
“I’m glad you’re my bestie, too, now lead the way,” Avery says, a grin plastered across her soft features.
“What did you bring us?” I reach down to pick up the bags, and when I look at what she brought, it's very…interesting.
“Um, Aves?” My eyes move from inside the bag to her face. Avery looks like she’s holding back a grin. Wait—is she glowing?
Avery just shrugs her shoulders before brushing past me and into the kitchen.
“Avery!” I shout-laugh as I follow after her.
But like, what the fuck? Inside the bag is a giant jar of peanut butter, a bag of pork rinds, a giant jar of pickles, and a bottle of red wine vinegar.
The other bag has our usual silly face masks, purple and baby blue nail polish, and a few chocolate bars.
I enter the kitchen shortly after Avery and find her already sitting down at the dining room table, a giant grin on her face.
I place the bags down, eyeing her suspiciously as I do so.
I watch as she digs through her purse for a few seconds before pulling out a tiny, rectangular box.
It’s covered in a soft, dusty cedar wrapping paper with a white ribbon wrapped along both long ends and tied in a pretty bow in the center.
The paper feels smooth underneath my fingertips. I look at Avery with a questioning expression, but she nods her head while pushing the box closer to me. As much as I don’t want to destroy Avery’s impeccable wrapping job, curiosity gets the better of me, so I tear through it aggressively.
The moment I see it, I drop the box onto the table. My hands fly to my mouth as my gaze flickers from her to the box then back again. My eyes sting with tears, but I blink them back. We’ve already cried enough today. But oh my God.
My best friend is pregnant.
Holy shit.
The chair screeches as I pull it back to rush over to hug my best friend while we simultaneously scream. Everything in my life takes a back seat to the pure joy I’m feeling.
“Avery. Oh my God! I can’t believe it. You’re pregnant?” I shout at her.
“I am. I couldn’t be happier. We couldn’t be happier.” Avery’s ear splitting grin speaks for itself.
“How did this happen?” My voice shakes with excitement. My best friend is having a baby? The promise of a new life, a new beginning, dims the sadness that seems to cling to me.
“Well, Bri. When two consenting adults decide to get together and have this thing called sex—” I playfully slap her arm.
“Shut up. I mean, like, were you guys planning it? Was this a surprise? Forgive me, but my brain is trying to process everything. Y’all just got married.”
You’d know if you didn’t—Nope…Not going there. Now is not the time to be self-deprecating.
“We’ve talked about starting a family before. We just didn’t expect it to happen this quickly, but we’re happy. I’m only a few weeks along, but Cas is overly cautious. He tried to persuade me to have him drop me off, but after a long talk, he mellowed out.”
I let out a watery chuckle, because that sounds like Cas. The man is a puddle when it comes to Avery.
“I’m just so happy for you guys. But wait, what about Cas’ graduate program? He’s so close to graduating. And your songwriting? What happens with that?” I’ve been a prisoner of my own pain, but that doesn’t mean I’m not following my friends' lives.
“Cas will step back from his master's program to focus on work and our growing family. As for songwriting, I’ve been writing a lot more children’s songs and lullabies. So being pregnant has inspired me,” Avery says while glancing down, placing a protective hand over her belly.
“Oh, wow, that’s amazing. You’ll both be amazing parents. I bet Cas’ grandparents are over the moon.” I don’t even have to fake the enthusiasm right now, everything is genuine.
“Thank you, Bri. That means a lot. His grandparents are ecstatic about the news. They’ve already started planning what to get the baby. I do want to ask you something, though.”
“Okay, what is it?”
“Will you be the godmother?” Avery asks, her eyes shimmering with pure joy.
Godmother. I let that word sit on the tip of my tongue, and I can’t help but wonder if I'm the right person for the job. My life is still a mess. My mental health has been absolute trash. I glance down at my best friend's belly and frown.