Chapter 25
Avery
You are stained glass
Cas stands there, but it feels like he’s lightyears away. My nerves from earlier reads a solid nine on the Richter scale.
“Cas, hey, what’s wrong?” Terror has my voice all wobbly and I’m practically shouting at Cas. It doesn’t matter, though, my words aren’t breaking through his trance.
I try again, but this time reach for his hand, desperate to break through his deadpan expression.
“Cas? You’re starting to freak me out.” My touch only causes him to flinch so hard that I stumble back.
I would have fallen on my ass if he didn't reach out to grab me.
Cas blinks rapidly, attempting to reacclimate himself to the present moment.
When his eyes finally meet mine, he looks at me with a confused expression.
“Hey, Avery, what are you doing here?” His question has me flinching as if he slapped me.
I mean, he texted me this morning about this date saying how excited he was.
His words are a knife in my chest. What does he mean, what am I doing here?
Hurt slams into my stomach, knocking the wind out of me.
All of my earlier anxieties come rushing back.
Clearly, he’s changed his mind, and instead of telling me, he stands me up.
Despite my anger and confusion, there is a small part of my brain warning me to be gentle.
That there’s more to the story. I must have been standing there parsing through my own thoughts for a while because he was staring at me like he was waiting for an answer.
“Huh?” I ask.
“I asked you what you’re doing here and why you look all dressed up?
” Is he serious right now? Tears begin to sting behind my eyes.
I won’t let him see how much this hurts, so I become angry, instead.
My hands clench into fists, no doubt leaving half-moon crescents in my skin from my nails.
My eyes blaze with irritation that he dares to stand there, looking dumbfounded.
I should walk away and calm down before saying something I’ll regret, but I really don’t care right now.
“What am I doing here? You have got to be fucking kidding me.” My voice comes out in a humorless laugh. His continuous, blank expression only adds fuel to my fire.
“Well, Cas do you remember our conversation where you asked me out? A date you claimed to have been waiting forever for?” Things start to click for him, but I’m not finished.
“I—" he starts, but I hold my hand up and continue my rant.
I let out a frustrated sigh, swatting away that voice telling me to let him explain like a pesky fly.
“Cas. I’m tired, and angry, and to be honest, a tad disappointed.
I was so excited to go out tonight with you and even got all dressed up.
Clearly the excitement is only one-sided because you would have shown up, instead of looking at me like I have three heads.
” I start to walk away despite his attempts to get me to stay.
I make it off the porch before turning around, needing to get this off my chest.
“You know, I get it if you thought I was what you wanted but ended up changing your mind. I know you’re still in the early stages of recovery and I would understand if you need more time.
If you had communicated any of that to me, I would have been hurt, of course, but I would have given you time.
” I give him a forced smile before turning around and walking away.
“Avery!” he shouts, but I pick up my pace, yearning for the safety of my bed so I can let it all out.
The second I close my front door, I collapse and completely lose it. So much for crying in my bed. My body is a blender and my feelings are the ingredients. As the emotions swirl together, I become so overwhelmed that hot and salty tears fall from my eyes.
I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting on the floor, but a soft knock followed by a soft voice has my head snapping up.
My heart wants to be petty and ignore him, but my body has a mind of its own.
Despite my hurt, the way he says my name has shivers of electricity rippling down and heat pooling between my legs.
“Avery, please open the door. I can explain everything, but I need to see your face,” he pleads. I am so close to giving in. My hand is braced on the doorknob, my forehead resting on the door. When he says my name again, his voice cracks and I swing the door open before I realize what I'm doing.
“Cas. I don’t think we should be having a conversation right now. Maybe us taking this next step isn’t in the cards for us. I—"
“No, baby. Just no. Avery, I need you, especially now. I—just please hear me out?” he pleads.
All my previous thoughts and questions fly out the window when I notice how puffy and red his eyes are.
“Cas,” I whisper. And that’s all it takes for his body to succumb to uncontrollable shaking due to his sobs.
He looks like he’s on the verge of collapsing, so I pull him inside and manage to bring him to the couch before he collapses into a ball in my lap.
Just like that, it’s as if Cas’ pain pulled the plug, letting all my anger swirl down the drain.
All I’m left with is feeling helpless. Cas, who keeps his feelings under lock and key, is an absolute mess.
I said some hurtful things to him earlier, but I didn’t expect him to react this way.
Guilt is a heavy boulder in my body and the urge to apologize sits on the tip of my tongue.
“Babe, it’s okay. Shh, you’re safe. I’m sorry if I—"
“Avery, no, please don’t. You’re not to blame here.”
“But I—" He places his hand atop mine, stopping me mid-sentence.
“Avery, listen, please. You are not to blame for any of this. I…” He pauses as if he was thinking about what to say next. As much as I want to have my say, my gut tells me to remain silent.
“I started seeing a therapist a little while ago. It was recommended to me during treatment.” It doesn't matter how many times we talk about being hospitalized from his overdose. I still wince a little every time.
“Wow, Cas, that's great. I’m really proud of you. I know that can't be easy,” I say, a little stunned by his confession. My fingers tremble as they play with the soft, wavy tendrils of his hair. I hope that he doesn’t pick up on what I’m feeling.
This is about wanting him to feel better and not about me and my fears.
His eyes are closed as he lets out a sigh of contentment, but when his eyes finally open, all I see is pain.
My heart flips in my chest, but not in a good way.
In the I know what he’s about to tell me is going to rip my heart out of my chest and break it in a million pieces, kind of way.
I settle on running my fingers gently through his hair, hoping that this simple touch conveys what my words cannot.
“It was difficult to go in the beginning. I was only planning to go once and then be done. I thought therapy wasn't going to work for me. That I was broken beyond repair—"
I interrupt him before he can continue. “Cas, it breaks my heart when you say things like that.” I look down and see he’s no longer looking at me.
I stop playing with his hair and bring my hands up to cup both sides of his face.
I wait for his eyes to meet mine before I continue, knowing how important it is for him to understand what I’m telling him.
“Cas, listen to me. You are not broken. You grew up with shitty circumstances that had nothing to do with you. You did not ask to have the father you have. You are beautifully whole. I know you can’t see it.
I know you don't believe me. My hope is that one day, instead of seeing a shattered mirror beyond repair, you see stained glass. A beautiful masterpiece of different shapes and colors that are wonderful alone, but together tell the most beautifully unique story.”
“Avery, you’re too good for me.” He sees me shaking my head, ready to argue, so he continues.
“No, you are. I wonder every single day what I did to deserve someone like you in my life. You’re selfless, although lately you’ve learned to put yourself first. You see and accept people for who they are without judgment.
You were my first friend when I came here.
I was in awe, seeing this eight-year-old strut her way over with such confidence.
She didn’t give me any choice but to be her friend, and I knew then that you did me the biggest favor ever.
” He pauses, needing a moment to collect himself.
“How I treated you back in high school, I—"
“Cas, you don’t have to go there. It’s okay.” But he shakes his head.
“No, I need to. You deserve this. I look back at those moments with shame and disgust. Here was this beautifully kind woman who didn’t ask for anything in return, and I took advantage of that.
” He pauses a moment, almost as if he is unsure what to say next.
He removes himself from my lap and turns to face me with his whole body.
“There are things about me you don’t know. Things I didn’t remember until this morning. Before getting into all of that, you have to know and understand something first.” His eyes were so intense I couldn’t look away even if I wanted to.