Chapter 25 #2
“I didn’t change my mind about you today.
I want you just as much, if not more, than when we were growing up.
It physically hurts knowing you think your feelings are one-sided.
I’m going to promise, no, I will show you how much I feel for you every day.
You’re so much more to me than my best friend.
You’re my home, my lifesaver, my rock, and my…
” He pauses, causing my heart to race. The look in his eyes goes soft and the gray in his eyes pierce deep into my soul.
“Avery, you are my first and only love. I always knew how special you would be to me, but by the time I could put into words how I felt, I just couldn’t.
” He lets out a laugh that doesn't reach his eyes. No, his eyes simultaneously ask a question and search for an answer. Cas quickly continues as if his vulnerability has a time limit, so I don’t get the chance to say those three words.
He loves me. That confession sends a wave of butterflies to my stomach. He loves me. I repeat to myself, feeling warm and fuzzy as if my body is wrapped up in my favorite Christmas onesie.
“Avery? What’s with your face? You have this goofy grin,” he says.
I bring my hand to my cheek and realize that I do, in fact, have a big grin on my face. “You told me you love me. I guess I'm just wondering why you never told me?”
“I never told you because I wasn’t what you deserved.
You know who my father is, but you never knew the extent of how bad it was.
Not telling you was my own fault. It wasn't as if I didn't trust you. I thought that if I let you all the way in, I would lose you. My therapist has been helping me work through my feelings. She’s helping me understand that what happened to me wasn’t my fault.
It’s hard to accept, especially with this new information I learned about myself. ”
The hesitation radiates off him in waves, so I grab both of his hands in mine and bring them to my chest. “Cas, I love you, too. I love everything about you, the good and the bad. You are stronger than you know. I can tell this is difficult for you to talk about, so you can tell me whenever you want. Nothing you say will change how I feel. Whether you tell me today, tomorrow, a month, or a year from now, I will listen and still love you.” He looks at me with teary eyes and leans his forehead against mine.
“I was sexually abused as a child.” His confession causes me to snap my head back to see his face still bowed with shame. I can’t help but just stare. My brain is a computer stuck on the loading screen. So many questions enter my mind, but he continues before I can ask any of them.
“I’ve been having these weird recurring dreams that were always so vivid.
I would awake in a cold sweat and fear in my eyes.
They involved this little boy and a dark room.
I pushed them away because I didn't know what they meant at the time, dismissing them as silly little dreams. It wasn't until my therapist saw me having a flashback, that's what those dreams are called, that she diagnosed me with PTSD.
I started to share these dreams with her during our sessions.
“This morning, I felt off. I was too numb to feel excited for our date. My therapy session was earlier today when I told her that the flashbacks and nightmares were getting worse. She asked me to do a writing exercise, which unlocked something in me, causing another flashback.”
Then Cas proceeds to shatter my heart. I have to choke back the bile that’s threatening to rise out of my throat.
How his dad let various men use and abuse Cas just so he could avoid paying for his addiction.
I’m not sure how I could hear all of this with the loud ringing in my ears from my anger.
Who the fuck does that to a child? I always disliked his father, but now I despise him.
He doesn’t deserve to live. May he always catch red lights or, even better, break every bone in his body.
May he get his dick chopped off and shoved down his throat.
May he—Avery, reel it back, girl. Your brain is getting chaotically dark.
I hope to God I never see that bastard around Cas again, because I won’t be able to resist the urge to kick him in the balls.
I must have said this out loud because Cas stares at me. “I knew you had a temper, but I didn’t know you had murderous tendencies.” He chuckles.
“I don't normally have them, but for your father, anything is possible. How can someone do something like that to their own fucking child?” No longer able to sit down, I start pacing back and forth frantically.
When Cas touches my shoulder, it alerts my body’s natural startle response. So, I guess I was lost in Avery land, because I didn’t even notice him come up behind me.
“Avery, baby, listen. My dad is a sick fuck who only cares about his next high. I learned a long time ago that there’s nothing I can do for him and I stopped trying to change everything.
I didn't tell you any of this to piss you off.
I wanted you to know me, all of me. You have been so open and vulnerable with me that I wanted to be able to do that for you.
I didn't forget our date on purpose, I—"
“Cas, no, you don’t have to explain anything anymore.
You had a long and emotional day. Thank you for letting me in.
I will still hold you to that date you promised, but it can wait.
Right now, you’re exhausted, so let’s call it a night so you can get some rest. We can try again tomorrow, the next day, or whenever you want that make-up date.
” I try to walk towards the door, but his hand on my arm stops me.
“Avery, I-I don't want to be alone right now. Can I stay here with you?” he asks.
“Cas, I don’t think that’s a good idea. As much as I want to, you need to take care of yourself right now. We have time for that later.” My jaw drops at his sudden laughter. “Oh, so sleeping with me is laughable now, huh?”
“No, no, no, no. Avery, I agree. Sleep is needed, but I don't want to sleep alone. I was going to ask if it's okay to stay here and actually sleep with you. I need the comfort of your arms right now…I’m scared to fall asleep.”
That confession has me walking towards Cas and into his familiar, strong arms. He has already given so much of himself today that I find myself wanting to give a little back. “Of course, let me get changed into some pajamas and we can go to bed.”
I blink back the rainstorm that’s building behind my eyes as I get ready for bed.
The weight of today hits like a ton of bricks, but I need to put my feelings aside for now.
Cas’ comfort is my main priority. I’m dressed in my favorite pair of pajamas and make my way over to my bed to find an already passed-out Cas looking peaceful and beautiful.
I crawl under the covers and bring my body against his, hoping to provide him the comfort of being the big spoon.
“I love you, my little Casanova,” I whisper into his ear.
“I love you, too, freckles.”
I lay next to him, listening to the even rhythm of his breathing, and my heart hurts. Inside this beautiful man is a wounded boy who’s healing. Cas may think he’s broken beyond repair, but all I see is a warrior.
Our conversation about him being broken beyond repair repeats on an incessant loop in my brain. Cas needs to know just how beautiful I think he is. Cas’ breathing is a soothing melody in the background, but I’m buzzing with excess energy.
My mind drifts toward the journal that sits in a box in my childhood bedroom closet.
I glance at Cas to make sure he’s fast asleep before sliding off the bed.
He’s out cold, but I still tiptoe out of the room and head toward my former bedroom.
Inspiration to write music again strikes me like a bolt of lightning.
I carefully pick the box off the closet floor before sitting cross-legged on the bed.
My fingers dance across the smooth cover, and if I listen closely, I can hear it whispering lyrics into my soul.
It’s the same journal Cas gave me all those years ago.
A journal that I haven't written in for years.
I take a steadying breath before I close my eyes.
I feel the fuzzy comforter beneath my bare thighs as I hone in on the thoughts and feelings swirling around in my mind.
When I open my eyes, I glance down at the paper and see two words: Stained Glass.
The pen drops out of my hand, landing on the floor with a soft thud.
I have no recollection of how they got there, but they’re the words that I used with Cas earlier.
I pick up the pen and pour out everything I’m feeling onto the page, faster than I ever have before.
I have been writing for so long my fingers are starting to cramp.
Tiny droplets decorate the silky page of the journal.
I delicately press the pads of my fingers to my cheeks, noticing their dampness for the first time.
Everything I wasn't able to communicate earlier lies before me. I notice a melody buzzing in my brain. I quietly rush down stairs toward my music room so I can put everything in my head down on paper. I lift the fall board of the piano that my parents gifted me for my golden birthday, and I swear I hear it sing with excitement. My fingers glide across the cool keys. When my ass hits the bench, I flinch at how cool it feels against my skin. Damn, I’ve really missed playing.
I let my heart do the playing for me, and soon enough, my thoughts and feelings become a song.
The tears I held back earlier now fall fast and hard.
After quietly finding and writing all the necessary notes, I close my journal and hug it to my chest, allowing myself to sit in the heaviness that is my emotions.
It's sometime later before I feel composed enough to go back upstairs.
I place my journal in the same spot as before crawling into bed next to Cas, sadness and love plaguing my heart.
I want to share this with him, but something tells me that now isn't the proper time. Right now, he needs to know that he’s worthy and deserving of my love.