Chapter 19
It wasn't that Peter brought her out of her shell, Shanti thought.
It was more like…she wanted him to be in her shell with her.
Every hour she spent with him filled her with happiness, and made the time in between, waiting, full of anticipation and joy instead of the long wearying hours that had filled her days since her grandparents had died.
She had never been extroverted. Despite society generally seeming to believe that introverts needed to act more like extroverts to be happy, being introverted had never bothered her.
She liked people just fine. She enjoyed watching them, and even being around big personalities who filled the room.
But she loved her quiet time, either alone or with someone who was also doing their own thing, and she hadn't realized how much of her time had been spent that way with her grandparents.
Pete got her out of the house more, it was true, and it was helping her to realize she'd been walking a fine line between 'introvert' and 'shut-in.
' But he also didn't ask her to be something she wasn't. He seemed as happy with their evenings in as the ones spent wandering around town or eating out.
And he was as good as his promises, too.
He came over Saturday evening and they spent it watching movies and talking, snuggled on the couch until Shanti couldn't keep her eyes open any longer.
Slipping upstairs to crawl into bed with him felt almost wicked: she'd never had a man stay over at her grandparents' home before.
Her heart was beating far too fast for sleep, though she lay with her eyes closed, determined to pretend.
Determined to pretend she wasn't getting all hot and bothered, too.
That was silly. They were literally doing nothing more than snuggling up, blankets tucked between them for warmth and, Shanti admitted, maybe safety.
But it was absolutely impossible to keep her body from reacting to Peter's presence, and Shanti barely knew what to do with that. She wasn't at all accustomed to…
A little laugh escaped her despite her every attempt to sleep. Peter made a curious sound, and she shook her head, mumbling, "I'm not used to sleeping with someone."
"Me either," he murmured back. "And I'm a furnace, so if you're too hot and need to roll away, I get it."
She was definitely too hot. Just not the way he meant. "No, I'm just…nervous."
He smiled against her hair. "I promise I won't turn into a bear in the middle of the night and eat you."
She laughed again, more loudly this time, and twisted to she could sort-of see him in the dark. "I didn't realize that was a potential threat here."
"It's not! I just said it wasn't!" His voice dropped into that extra-low rumble that set her senses afire. "Unless you're interested in being eaten, but that's not something my bear would do."
Shanti was pretty sure she blushed from the bottom of her soul and spoke hoarsely. "I don't…have a lot of…experience in that department…"
Peter pushed up on his elbow, his tone sort of indignantly outraged. "You said you hadn't dated much, but I didn't realize your boyfriends were selfish pigs!"
Somehow she managed to blush even harder, her face hotter than it had ever been. She grabbed a pillow and pulled it over her head, muffling her words into it. "No, that's not it, it's that I've never actually…done anything…"
"Oh." Peter sounded much less indignant, even through the pillow. Then, a moment later, he said, "Oh," again, and lay back down to push his head under the pillow with her so he could say, "I'm glad your boyfriends weren't selfish pigs."
She blurted a giggle into the pillow even though she was still blushing so hard there were tears in her eyes.
She couldn't bring herself to move the pillow, either.
Hiding under it made it possible to tell him the truth, which was, "I've just never really been all that interested in sex, and I never dated anybody long enough for it to start mattering in the relationship.
I figured I was, you know." She lifted the hand that was above the pillow and danced it in the air.
"Asexual. But then I met you and it's…I'm finally starting to understand what all the fuss is about.
I never met anyone that really made me go wow the way you do, and…
the more I get to know you, the more I…" Her voice trailed into a whisper that even she could barely hear. "…want you…"
"Well," he murmured into her shoulder, "that's a lot better than the other way around."
She blinked under the pillow, then understood what he meant and shivered with a tiny laugh.
"You mean, better than wanting you less the better I get to know you?
Yes, much better. But I just…I mean…I know I'm not broken, but I'm a little unusual, I guess, and I'm still getting used to the idea of… you. Me. Us."
Peter breathed, "Okay," then, still muffled, said, "Can I take the pillow off my head before I melt?"
Shanti giggled again and moved the pillow. "Yes. Sorry. Thank you."
He moved to press his forehead against her shoulder, his arm snugged around her, and for a long moment he didn't say anything.
Eventually he spoke, but slowly, like he was looking for the right words.
"You're welcome, although I wish you didn't feel like you had to say thanks for me being willing to meet you where you are, when you're ready.
I get it. People and relationships are really sex-focused, especially early on, and it must…
I know I'm guessing here, but it must seem overwhelming and frustrating to you, if you're…
what, not ace, but…there's a word for it… "
"Demisexual," Shanti mumbled. "Physical attraction comes after emotional connection.
I looked it up because this was all new to me.
And it's so strange, because I thought you were hot.
" She flipped over in the bed so she could meet his eyes in the dim light.
"Right when we met, I thought you were so gorgeous, and I'm honestly not used to thinking that.
But it's fate, isn't it? Even before I knew you the emotional connection was there, or the potential for it was there?
And it was so strong that I thought…hot. "
He grinned a little, a spot of brightness in the dark. "That must have been very confusing for you."
"So confusing!" Shanti actually kicked her feet and almost kicked Peter's shins by doing so. "Whoops, sorry. But it's…it's wonderful," she breathed after a few seconds of thought. "It's just completely new. And I don't think I know how to speed myself up—"
He put a fingertip over her lips, then kissed her.
"You don't have to. I promise, Shanti, I don't need you to move any faster than you're comfortable with.
If you're suddenly struck with the desire to jump me, I'm not going to say no, but I will check in," he said quite softly.
"Right up until you tell me to shut up and get down to business.
If you want to make out and call a stop on it at any point, that's fine.
We have time," he said again, gently. "And if you've never before, I want to make sure we get it right. Okay?"
"Okay." Shanti sagged, even though she was lying down, and rolled a little closer to Peter, eyes closed as she put her forehead against his chest. "Thank you for understanding. I didn't know how to bring it up. Or explain it. Or anything."
"Well, you did fine," he promised her. "And we've got all the time in the world. I won't be pushy."
Shanti took a deep breath and looked up to meet his eyes again. "You might need to be a little bit pushy. I might just get stuck in second gear, otherwise."
He squinted uncertainly, then kissed the end of her nose. "Maybe. Maybe the littlest bit. But not tonight," he said firmly. "Giant emotional confessions are enough for one night. Fair?"
"Not just fair. Kind of a relief. Even if…" Shanti squinched her face and laughed very quietly. "Even if I think I'm kind of experiencing 'horny' for the first time."
Peter rolled onto his back and laughed out loud.
"Thank God it's not just me! I mean, not for the first time, but…
!" He laughed again, rolled back toward her, and gave her a kiss that did a magnificent job of verifying that this was what 'horny' felt like.
Heat throbbed through Shanti, sending tingles and shivers into places she was really not accustomed to feeling them, and tangling with a combination of oh god what am I doing and I don't know but I should do it more.
When she was absolutely breathless and more aroused than she'd ever imagined possible, Peter broke away to smile at her from up close.
"You're the most gorgeous, perfect, wonderful woman I've ever met," he murmured.
"I'm going to love going on this journey with you.
And I don't just mean sex. I mean life. I already love you, Shanti Davis, and I can't wait to see how it all unfolds. "
And Shanti thought she'd been breathless before.
Whatever air was left in her body seemed to utterly disappear.
It vaporized into heat, maybe, because her chest was just full of heat and heartbeat and emotion too big to name.
As if 'emotion too big to name' didn't have a name, one that Peter had just voiced so very easily.
She still gasped and shook her head a little, staring at him in astonishment. "Really? Already? Just like that?"
"Really. Just like that. You have to remember," Peter murmured, though he also smiled crookedly and added, "Well, you don't have to, but…I always knew this was a possibility, you know? That fate might be waiting for me. It might be easier for me to just let it sweep me away."
"I feel pretty swept away," Shanti whispered. "But…I might be playing catch-up a little, too. Is that okay?"
"It's not only okay, it makes complete sense," he promised. "Like I've been saying, it's no rush. I want you to be happy and comfortable. That's all that matters."
"That is not what most guys would say, I don't think," Shanti muttered a little dryly.
Peter snorted. "Any guy worth your time would say it. Which does, I admit, probably narrow it down considerably. Even if you dismiss the fact that I'm obviously perfect for you."
"But you are! Everything—even fate makes you perfect, because I can…I can trust it? I would be so much slower if I didn't have it to believe in." Shanti faltered, and Peter curled his arms around her, holding her close.
"It helps. But I have to tell you that even from my side, having the hope it was out there…it's all so…unexpected?" His warm laugh stirred her hair. "Nothing like I imagined, and somehow it's also so much better."
"What did you expect?" The idea that even a shifter had been taken by surprise when fate struck seemed both funny and wonderful to Shanti, and also, just maybe, a little bit of a relief.
Peter went quiet for a few moments, clearly considering the question.
"Now that you're asking, I'm not even sure I know the answer.
Thunderbolts and lightning, maybe? But I kind of got that.
I've never been struck by anybody the way I was with you.
Confidence that this was right? Yeah, I got that too.
But…it's you," he finally murmured. "I could never have imagined you.
My dream girl, the one fate was going to find for me…
she was just that. A dream. I guess she liked trains," he said with a laugh.
"But I got that with you, didn't I? And the rest…
yeah. A vague idea of 'perfect.' And lookit that, here you are, perfect. "
"And here you are," she whispered back. "Perfect, too. I think…" She held her breath a moment, then let it out in a deep sigh. "I think I feel a lot better now. I couldn't really figure out how to tell you all of this and I didn't want to not tell you and just. Ugh. So much."
"I'm glad you did. Now we're really on the same page. Not that I thought we weren't, but it turns out…" They were already speaking softly, but Peter managed to lower his voice dramatically anyway. "…communication is important!"
A giggle burst from Shanti's chest. "Who knew! Who could have guessed?"
"Therapists around the world have been keeping this secret for years!" Peter grinned and stole a kiss, then murmured, "Time to sleep. Busy day tomorrow."
"It is?"
"Oh yeah. Definitely." He made a face that suggested a total lack of knowing what would happen and absolute confidence in his comment, all at once. "So busy. Better sleep."
Shanti giggled again, rolled over in his arms, and went to sleep.