24. Chapter Twenty-Five #4
“Very far from here.” I answered Tavian as I leaned my forearms against the table. “Different continent. Flights, probably more than one, depending on where they bring the team in.”
Tavian absorbed that before asking the question I could see forming.
“Will you be alone?” Tavian asked as concern tightened his face, the question protective without carrying a demand beneath it.
“No.” I told Tavian as I shook my head. “There'll be local trackers, conservation workers, researchers, field staff, probably drivers depending on the sites. I'm not being dropped onto a mountain with a camera and wished good luck.”
“I know you can take care of yourself.” Tavian said as he unfolded his arms and rested one hand against the table. “That doesn't mean I won't wonder who's around when none of us can be.”
The straightforward concern softened me.
“That's fair.” I told Tavian as I reached across and briefly touched his hand. “I'll know a lot more once the full field plan comes through.” Tavian turned his hand enough to catch my fingers for a moment before letting them go.
“What is a guanaco?” Tavian asked after a pause, genuine curiosity beginning to edge out some of his concern.
“A relative of a llama.” I explained to Tavian as a smile tugged at my mouth, already knowing from his blank face that I'd created another problem.
“What is a llama?” Tavian asked as his brows drew together, looking briefly toward Luca as though he might somehow have acquired knowledge of South American camelids without mentioning it.
“I'll show you pictures later.” I promised Tavian as I laughed softly.
“I would like that.” Tavian replied before becoming serious again. “Are you excited about the job?”
That question felt different.
“Yes.” I answered Tavian without needing to think. “Very. The wildlife, the access, the landscape—everything about the actual work sounds incredible.” Tavian nodded slowly, his fingers curling once against the edge of the table.
“I don't like how long you'll be gone.” Tavian admitted as he watched me. “But I don't want you less excited because I don't like it.”
“Thank you.” I told Tavian softly, understanding what he was offering. He wasn't pretending he liked the separation; he was refusing to make his unhappiness my responsibility to fix. Tavian remained quiet for several seconds before shifting his weight.
“Could I go with you sometime?” Tavian asked as he searched my face, his usual confidence noticeably absent from the question.
“Not this one. I don't know enough about your kind of travel yet, and somewhere that cold already sounds terrible. But another assignment, maybe. I want to see some of what you see.”
The question caught me harder than I'd expected because he wasn't asking me to make my world smaller for him. He was asking whether he could learn enough to be part of it sometimes.
“Maybe.” I told Tavian as I smiled. “I don't know how any of that would work yet, but I'm not saying no.”
“Good.” Tavian replied as some of his usual brightness returned. “I think I'd like seeing you work somewhere that isn't here.”
“You might regret saying that when you're carrying equipment at five in the morning.” I warned Tavian, though my smile made it clear the possibility didn't bother me.
“I already carry your equipment.” Tavian reminded me as his mouth curved.
“Sometimes after asking.” I corrected Tavian as I raised one brow.
“I'm improving.” Tavian replied as he spread his hands, accepting the criticism without argument. Luca had listened without interrupting, and when Tavian settled back against the edge of the table, he turned toward me.
“This is the kind of job you'd take if you hadn't met us, isn't it?” Luca asked, his voice gentle while his green-gold eyes stayed on mine. The question caught me more effectively than another version of Do you want to go? would have.
“Yes.” I answered Luca after a moment. “Probably without thinking nearly this hard about it.”
Luca nodded.
“Then I'm glad they offered it.” Luca told me as a quiet purr began beneath his chest. “The first time, they needed somebody who happened to be close enough to help. This time they came looking for you.”
I stared at him, pride pressing unexpectedly beneath my ribs.
“I hadn't thought about it that way.” I admitted to Luca as I rubbed my thumb along a scratch in the tabletop.
“You should.” Luca replied as his purr deepened. “You earned that.” My throat tightened unexpectedly.
“I'm still allowed to hate being gone that long.” I told Luca as I looked back toward him.
“I'd be surprised if you didn't.” Luca answered as his expression softened. “Being excited about the work doesn't require you to enjoy every part of taking it.”
The answer sounded like Luca. He wasn't trying to solve the feeling; he was simply letting both parts exist.
“What are the conditions like?” Luca asked as his attention shifted naturally toward the practical details. “You said mountains.”
“Cold, windy, possibly snow depending on elevation and timing.” I explained to Luca as I leaned forward. “Completely different equipment problems from here. Different clothing, battery performance, storage, field routines. I'll need to prepare for it properly.”
“Does that change anything with your medication?” Luca asked as concern briefly tightened his features, though he didn't reach toward the bag where he knew I kept it.
“It shouldn't if everything is stored properly.” I answered Luca as I shook my head. “And I have plenty of time to sort it out. I still have weeks here, then time at home before I'd leave again.”
Luca considered that before nodding.
“Then we wait until you know what the actual problems are.” Luca said as he rested one hand against the repaired strap. “There's no point solving things you've only imagined.”
“With me.” I reminded Luca as I watched him, wanting the distinction clear even though he hadn't crossed it.
“With you.” Luca confirmed immediately, his gaze steady on mine. “If you want help, I'll help. I'm not going to reorganize your life because I get nervous.”
“Good.” I told Luca as some of the tension left my shoulders.
Then I looked toward Malek. He hadn't said much.
Cedar and damp earth had grown heavier while the rest of us talked, not aggressive or overwhelming but strong enough that I knew exactly how much effort was going into his silence.
His posture remained controlled, though one hand had curled loosely against his thigh.
“Malek?” I asked as I turned toward him, letting the question sit instead of trying to guess what he needed to say. His golden-brown eyes held mine for several seconds.
“You want this?” Malek asked, his deep voice controlled even though the tension in his scent said everything his face didn't. There were uglier versions of that question he could have asked.
Why isn't this enough? Why do you need to go?
Why would you choose somewhere else for that long? He didn't ask any of them.
“Yes.” I told Malek honestly. “I do.”
His jaw tightened, and for one horrible second I prepared myself for him to tell me not to go. Some unfair part of me almost wanted him to, if only because then I would have something simple to argue against instead of sitting here with his fear and my excitement existing side by side.
Malek drew in a slow breath before releasing it.
“Then that matters.” Malek told me as he gave one deliberate nod, even though accepting the answer clearly wasn't easy for him. I watched him for a moment before leaning forward.
“You don't have to pretend you're okay with the distance.” I told Malek as I rested one hand against the table. “I'd rather know what you're actually thinking.”
“I'm not okay with it.” Malek answered immediately, some of the restraint easing from his face now that I'd given him room to say it. “I hate the thought of you being somewhere I can't reach.”
The honesty didn't scare me nearly as much as it might have a few weeks ago.
“But you're not going to ask me not to go.” I told Malek, watching him carefully.
“No.” Malek answered as his hand slowly relaxed against his thigh. “Wanting you close doesn't make every choice I would prefer fair to you.”
My chest tightened.
“I don't want any of you pretending it doesn't bother you.” I told all three men as I looked from Malek to Luca and Tavian. “I'm not asking you to be happy every time I leave. I just need to know that missing me won't eventually turn into expecting me to stop.”
“It won't.” Luca promised as he met my eyes, his quiet purr continuing beneath the words.
“I will definitely complain about missing you.” Tavian admitted as he lifted one hand slightly, his face serious despite the wording. “But I can complain and still know the decision is yours.”
“That is surprisingly mature.” I told Tavian as one corner of my mouth lifted.
“I am often mature.” Tavian replied with exaggerated dignity, although Luca's expression suggested that statement would not survive close examination.
“I'll have to learn how to do this.” Malek admitted as he stepped closer to the table, vulnerability roughening his usually controlled voice. “Knowing you're safe somewhere I can't reach isn't something I've had to practice.”
“I know.” I told Malek quietly, my attention staying on him. He hesitated before turning one hand palm-up on the table between us. He didn't reach for me, and that small choice mattered enough that I placed my hand in his without thinking twice. Malek's fingers closed gently around mine.
“I don't want to become someone you start hiding things from because you know I won't like them.” Malek told me as his thumb moved once across my knuckles. “Or someone you feel like you have to get away from before you can do what you want.”