Chapter 18
“I like the lighting,” Molly said as she walked through the rental’s kitchen. She had let Cassie know the previous week that it was time for her to move forward with her life and that meant finding her own place.
It had stung at first, facing both the finality of the end of Molly and Eva and the end of their time together as well. She had enjoyed having Molly so close these past two months and though she wished it had been under happier circumstances, it had made their bond that much stronger.
Cassie ran her hands along the marble island.
“I like the island.” The thought of Drea’s island came to mind and all of the delightful and sweet and wicked things that had happened around it, and on it, over the past week.
And as much as she enjoyed being with her sister, she couldn’t wait to be back with Drea again.
As they drove away from the apartment, the last of three for the day, Molly turned to her. “Is it time to give me the gory details?”
Cassie felt a wave of guilt. Though Molly had been happy to take care of Digit over the past week while Cassie stayed at Drea’s apartment, she knew Molly was going to eventually want answers.
Digit had voiced his disapproval by leaving a hairball in her second-favorite pair of shoes while she was gone.
She flashed a guilty grin, but from the look in Molly’s eyes, Molly already knew exactly where she had been.
“There’s been a . . . development.”
“I see. Sounds pretty serious.” Molly took her attention off the road and asked her gently, “Is it? Serious?”
If she had asked Cassie that question on Wednesday, the answer would have been a resounding yes.
But ever since the nightmare and the presentation to Byron, Drea had pulled away a bit.
They were still intimate, but there was a distance to it.
As much as she wanted to figure out a way to fix it, she was also afraid to ask because she could feel Drea slipping away, and it broke her heart a little more every day.
Maybe there was nothing to fix. Maybe Drea’s true nature, her resistance to commitment, was finally asserting itself.
“I think it’s too early to tell.” The fact that it was the truest thing she could say and that what she wanted to say might not be true anymore sent a ball of emotion to her throat.
She looked out the passenger window, trying to breathe through any impending tears as a sense of dread for impending doom settled in her gut.
Molly took her hand and held it.
Cassie looked at her sister who had always had her back, who had never let her down even when her own life was falling apart, and squeezed her hand. No matter what happened, she knew she wouldn’t have to face it alone.
They drove along Magazine Street, all of the shops adorned with garlands and bows, as people clad in scarves and winter coats scurried in and out of them trying to avoid the damp cold that was winter in New Orleans.
She pointed to one of her favorite local gift shops where everything was handmade. “Hey, can we stop here? We have a holiday party and gift exchange coming up at work. We all picked a name out of a hat, and I got Sam.”
Molly’s face lit up. “Ohh, what are you going to get her?”
“Some relaxing bath salts and a soothing candle. She works so hard all the time, I want her to have some spa time for herself.”
Molly pulled into an empty spot along the street. “That sounds perfect.”
Drea watched as Cassie closed her eyes in a moment of appreciation.
“This is so good,” Cassie said as she took another bite of linguine.
The pleasure on her face warmed Drea as they sat next to each other at the kitchen island, casual and comfortable.
In some ways, it felt like they had been together much longer than a week, and maybe they had if she counted all the time she had spent falling for her over the past couple of months.
Though they had only been apart for a night, she had missed Cassie and looked forward to her coming for dinner this evening.
“If I had known you were this good in the kitchen, I would have ordered in a lot more this past week.” Cassie’s eyes sparkled with mischief.
Drea shrugged a shoulder, a bit proudly. “Well, you know,” she gestured up and down her body, “Italian and all.”
“All is right.” Cassie leaned over and kissed her, the sweet taste of olive oil and butter on her lips.
They finished their pasta and Drea washed the dishes.
It felt so domestic she almost didn’t recognize herself.
She grabbed her glass of wine and rejoined Cassie, her breath catching at the casual beauty emanating from her.
If someone had asked her to explain the profound shift over the past few months, she wouldn’t have been able to.
It was something unexpected, and even miraculous, and as much as she wanted to believe it would last, enough doubt had crept into her mind over the past few days that she worried Cassie would be yet another person she disappointed.
“Hey, um.” The hesitation in Cassie’s voice caught her attention.
So many things had gone unsaid, and she knew it was only a matter of time before it all caught up with them.
But she had wanted to savor the good parts for as long as she could, knowing if this didn’t work, it would be for the last time.
“Listen, I wanted to apologize about yesterday.”
She placed her hand on Cassie’s knee. “You don’t need to apologize.”
“No, I do. I wanted to help you get your art seen, so people would realize how amazing you are, but maybe I overstepped.”
She took her hand off Cassie’s knee and placed it on her own.
While Cassie probably meant it genuinely, Drea couldn’t help but hear the subtext that had been playing in her mind the past forty-eight hours.
“I know you were trying to help, but I’ve been through this many times before. It always ends the same.”
“But it doesn’t have to. Byron loved your work. So did Nellie and Katherine. So do I. I think it’s just a matter of time until you find your audience.”
“And what if it isn’t? What if this is all there is?”
Cassie’s brow furrowed. “Don’t you want more?”
A piece of her heart broke, knowing where this was headed. “Do you want more?”
“Of course. I want so much for you.”
“No, not that. If everything that I am is all I ever became, would that be enough or would you need more?”
They stared at each other, but Cassie said nothing.
She tried again. “Would you still think I was amazing if I never pursued my art further?”
Cassie shook her head. “But you’re so good.”
Her stomach roiled at the realization that this was all there could ever be.
She swallowed the revulsion and plowed forward, knowing it had to be this way.
“Cassie.” Cassie’s face stiffened at the word.
“I don’t think I can ever be what you really need.
” Cassie pulled back at the words, increasing the distance between them.
“You’re . . .” She shook her head. “Amazing and incredible don’t come close to describing what you truly are.
You light up a room with your vivaciousness and style.
Even on my best day, I’m nowhere near as positive and joyful as you are.
We operate at different frequencies, and mine will always be lower than yours, and I .
. .” Emotion caught in her voice. “I couldn’t live knowing that I dimmed your light. ”
“You don’t,” Cassie pleaded as a tear ran down her cheek.
“I will. I promise you I will. I’ll bring you down and disappoint you. You want so much out of life and I can’t be the person you want me to be. And I can’t stand disappointing you every day when I try and fall short.” She wiped at the tear welling in her eye.
“You don’t disappoint me.”
“I do and I’ll continue to. I thought I could do this, but I was wrong. I can’t change who I am, not even for you. It’s not enough. I will never be enough. I’m sorry, but I can’t do this anymore.”
She wasn’t sure what hurt more, the pain in Cassie’s eyes or seeing the tears streaming down her face. It was all her fault. She wished she could go back in time and do it all differently, so she never would have hurt her.
Holiday lights and blow-up snowmen and Santas whizzed by as Cassie drove, the cheer of the season ricocheting off her broken heart.
She couldn’t make sense of what had happened.
How did things go off the rails so quickly?
She didn’t agree with most of what Drea had said, but she also wondered if she had missed something. Something big.
She thought they were having a good time.
It felt like they were actually being a real couple and not just sex-crazed teenagers, but the conversation had seemed to take on a life of its own.
She had the sense that she was the only one it took by surprise.
Something about what Drea had said seemed almost rehearsed or at least familiar to her.
How long had she been thinking those things?
They had had so little time together and yet so much had happened between them, but she didn’t understand the leap between where they had been and where she found herself now, alone with a battered heart.
Had it all gone so wrong that quickly? Or was it deeper than that?
When she got home, she found Molly and Digit on the sofa.
Molly took one look at her and knew. Cassie could only shake her head as tears streamed down her face again.
Molly reached up and hugged her as she sobbed over the best thing that barely happened.
She lay down, resting her head on Molly’s lap, and let Molly stroke her hair until she was out of tears.