Chapter 18 #2
Drea couldn’t stay in her apartment any longer reliving Cassie crumpling before her as she broke her heart.
She needed air and distance from it all, so she bundled up and wandered down the noisy streets, busy with laughter and music, an otherwise typical night in New Orleans.
It always amazed Drea how alone she could feel in such a lively place.
She wandered through the darkness, willing the cold to numb her memory of all of the amazing moments over the past months, especially the past week, and the horrible ones from the past few hours.
After going down a few lesser-known roads, she found herself on the outskirts of the French Quarter, the smell of alcohol drifting through the air.
A neon-green sign beckoned her with one word.
“Bar.” She pushed open the heavy wooden door, in search of a break from the pain coursing through her.
The first thing she noticed was the darkness, a moody atmosphere as if she had entered a cave.
But it wasn’t depressing. A number of patrons were scattered throughout.
A group of older men at a round table in the middle of the room, and several individuals hunched over the bar, staring into their drinks or at nothing at all.
The sound of pool balls clacking and the low murmur of conversation brought some liveliness to the place, along with the uproar of the men at the table as a couple of them threw down the stack of cards in their hands while one grinned widely.
A few people lifted their heads as she sat on a plush stool at the bar.
An older woman with deep lines at the corners of her eyes and around her mouth, and a white hand towel slung over her shoulder approached her from behind the bar.
“What can I get you, hon?” There was something kind in her eyes, and her voice sounded much younger than Drea expected.
“I’ll take a whiskey. Thanks.”
She stayed there for a long while, sipping her drink, and willing the images in her mind to stop.
“Hey girl, it’s going to be okay.” Janay rubbed Cassie’s back as she cried. Cassie still wore her pajamas from the night before, not able to summon the energy to change or do much but sit on the sofa and wallow.
“I don’t know what happened.” She sniffled.
“She didn’t tell you why she wanted to break up?”
Cassie blew out a breath. “She kinda did, but I didn’t really follow all of it.”
“What did she say?” Janay asked gently.
“She said she didn’t think she could be what I needed and she’d just disappoint me. And she said she can’t change who she is for me, but I don’t want her to change. She’s all I need and want, and she’s never disappointed me.”
“Do you think it was a cop-out? Maybe she was in over her head and wanted out?”
Despite having wondered this herself more than a few times over the past eighteen hours, Cassie felt a flash of anger at Janay for voicing the thought.
Being someone Drea needed to escape hit hard in her chest. “I thought it was real. The shortest relationship in history, but it felt real.” Her mind wandered to when things had turned earlier in the week.
“But some stuff did happen and she started pulling away a few days ago, so maybe. Maybe I was too wrapped up in her to see it wasn’t what she needed.
” She shook her head, feeling stupid at her ignorance.
“What stuff?”
“She kinda shut down the day she presented her artwork to Byron, a client of ours. I thought she was just nervous, but it went really well, and she still felt off or distant, I’m not sure. Just different.”
Janay’s expression suggested it didn’t make sense to her either. “Did anything else happen?”
The thing she had been replaying in her mind for days came to the forefront, and she grimaced.
“What?”
“Something weird happened the morning of the presentation and I think I handled it wrong. I think she had a nightmare or something and she yelled ‘no,’ which woke me up and scared the shit out of me. I asked if she was okay, but she played it off and left the room.” Her voice got small. “I didn’t follow her.”
“You didn’t talk about it again?”
She shook her head. “It didn’t feel like she wanted to, but maybe I fucked up.”
“You didn’t know. You don’t know what’s going on in her world.” Janay shrugged. “None of us ever fully know what’s going on in someone else’s life.”
The words weren’t as comforting as she probably meant them to be. Ever since yesterday, Cassie had a lingering feeling that there was a lot she didn’t know.
“There was something else. Something I didn’t follow. She said something about being on different frequencies and she didn’t want to dim my light.” She looked at Janay to see if any flicker of meaning resonated with her, but Janay just listened intently. “I have no idea what she meant by that.”
Janay thought for a moment. “Did you ever feel like that was happening when y’all were together?”
Cassie hadn’t actually considered it until Janay asked.
“Not usually, except when she started pulling away. Then it felt like I couldn’t reach her, but I wouldn’t say it dimmed my light.
” She paused for a beat as a flash of anger hit that this was even happening.
“She’s definitely dimming it right now though. ”
Janay frowned and then shrugged, and it helped a little knowing she wasn’t the only one who was stumped. But it didn’t take any of the pain away.
“The thing is, when I was driving home, it didn’t add up and I had this feeling that I missed something big.
Like we were talking about different things, ya know, and we were missing what the other was saying or meaning, I don’t know.
It felt like she had made up her mind and I didn’t have a say.
” She slumped back against the sofa, the emotions and the futility of it all swirling through her mind.
Digit jumped up beside her and pushed her hand up with his nose, demanding affection.
“I know this sucks and it hurts, but it kind of was expected, right? I mean, Drea doesn’t do relationships, and she actually tried with you.
All the hearts across the city were breaking.
” There was a hint of humor in Janay’s voice, but Cassie wasn’t in the mood for levity yet and rolled her eyes.
“The point is she cared enough about you to try something she has never done before, and we both know plenty of women who wish she had.”
That last part twisted the knife already in her heart. She shot Janay a look to express how much it was not helping.
“Sorry.” Janay grimaced. “All I’m saying is, maybe it was real and was even pretty huge for her. But . . .”
“But what?” Cassie asked, hoping Janay could offer something that would explain what happened.
Janay took a moment and Cassie could see her filtering, trying to find something that would hurt less to hear. “Some things aren’t meant to be.”
Cassie tilted her head. “What were you really going to say?”
Janay took a breath and exhaled. “That it wouldn’t have mattered what you did, it was never going to work out. That you shouldn’t take it personally because it was never about you. The ending I mean.”
Cassie grimaced at the brutal honesty.
Janay’s face softened at Cassie’s pained expression. “Yeah, that’s why I went with option B.”
She let the words marinate for a minute, but they didn’t seem to fit.
It had only been a short time, but she saw how good they could be together and how much they both wanted it.
And maybe it was just guilt or defeat, things she never accepted easily in her life, not without a fight at least, and yeah, maybe some of the stuff Drea said was coming from somewhere deeper than their relationship, but the ending had felt very personal to her.
She didn’t believe that Drea was running because she was scared.
Maybe a small piece of her, but deep down she knew Drea had ended it very much because of her.
Molly came into the living room, rushing to head to another holiday party she was working. She bent over and hugged Janay and Cassie.
As she let go of Cassie, she put a hand on her shoulder. “Are you going to be all right?”
Cassie nodded.
“I’m going to pick up some peppermint ice cream, and we can watch whatever movie you want when I get back.
” She placed a quick kiss on Cassie’s cheek, said her goodbyes, and was gone.
Cassie looked back at Janay and stroked Digit’s fur as he cuddled beside her.
As much as she was hurting, she was so glad to be surrounded by family.
“What are you doing Thursday night?” Janay asked with a hint of mischief in her eye.
Cassie gestured around herself. “Probably this.”
“Well, how would you like to meet me at Rosie’s and have a little fun?”
The thought of dancing and being in a club did not ring true in her current state. “I’m not sure I’m up for that yet.”
“Okay.” Janay’s voice was sure, but her eyes wandered along the floor.
“What is it?”
“I may have a date and I was thinking we could meet up after, especially in case it doesn’t go well.”
Cassie felt a wave of excitement for her friend. Janay hadn’t been on a date in a year and a half. “Of course I’ll be there for you.”
Janay grinned. “Don’t get your hopes up though. It’s some friend of a friend of Renee’s, so I’m hoping for just short of a disaster.”
Cassie laughed, for the first time in a while. The realization made her miss Drea even more.